This post was originally published at Racialicious on June 15, 2006.
by Jen Chau
Nice story in the Christian Science Monitor — a mom of mixed and transracially adopted kids reflects on a time when she took a stranger’s solemn staring as an act of hostility, but was instead pleasantly surprised.
…it was quite an experience going out in public with them. My husband and I were sometimes asked if we were baby-sitting, if we were foster parents, or, once, if we were “dragging all the neighborhood children along with us.”
I remember us sitting in a restaurant having lunch as a family. Halfway through the meal, I saw an elderly woman looking over at our table. She continued to stare, and then leaned over and spoke to her husband, who also began staring in our direction. I told my husband quietly, “They’re talking about the kids.” He watched them for a while. “You’re right,” he said, “but just ignore them.” Easy to say, tough to do – they weren’t smiling, and they didn’t look like particularly tolerant people.
Finally, they stood up to leave and headed straight for our table. I sat as tall as I could. The woman looked me straight in the eye and said, “We just wanted to tell you, your children are the most well-behaved children we have ever seen in a restaurant. They’re just beautiful. I wish my grandchildren would sit so nicely and had manners like yours do!”
Her words caused me to shed tears of humility and gratitude. I had made a judgment about her based on her race, her age, and her actions.
I was wrong on all three counts, and it taught me a lesson I still remember 25 years later: Although it may be easier to categorize people based on what we see with our eyes, it requires contact and communication, even if it’s only at the most basic level, before we can begin to read what is in a person’s heart.
Cheesy but true. 
And an interesting depiction of how mixed people/mixed families are in situations where they are on the defensive. It’s a shame that the automatic reaction of so many of us is, “oh, they are probably racist and disgusted by me/my family.” Unfortunately, still, a lot of our mixed families receive negative feedback, so it doesn’t surprise me that this mom assumed that the staring was malicious.
yes, but it’s possible, i would say even probable, that the old couple weren’t actually coming over to tell them how well behaved their kids were, but rather to tell them that they approved of the multiracial family.
the “well-behaved children” comment is old code, a way to compliment people of a lower-status race and try to connect with them in a safe manner. after all, they’re not going to get mad at you for complimenting their children. this gets carried over to such mixed families as well.
it’s a way to patronize, to express your sense of what should be in the racial hierarchy–by forcing your approval on people who don’t want it. the mother was grateful because she was expecting hostility. but this was only comparatively better. she should expect–and demand–from others not notice and approval, but respect and non-intrusion.
You cover the objective sociological-study sense of the possible components behind the elderly couple’s actions, but miss the human element.
Very often our seniors live in a world of isolation and despair, and this moment may have provided a point of human contact essential for making waking up each day worthwhile: an opportunity to establish contact with someone, outside of their doctor, while admiring beautfiul children and possibly reliving their own parenting days and the memories that flood back with that experience.
Too often isolation can force one to cement uncharitable, disparaging ideas about others, as in that isolated environment (our homes, our communities, classrooms, churches) we never have contact with that dreaded “other,” enough to confront or confound our faulty premise.
Let us not be so scornful and suspicious toward every point of contact that could, yes, be full of guile.
The ripple effect of having made such observations and comments, of feeling charitable -nay, say even warm- could spill over to other parts of the elderly people’s lives…opening them, enriching them.
No blinders on, no blinders up.
-Kim