by Anti-Racist Parent columnist, Amber
As a white woman, I was not raised to think about my race. I was supposed to be colorblind and not acknowledge that I noticed other people’s race. Growing up, it wasn’t hard to keep up that charade, because most people I came into contact with in my small town were white, mostly middle class, Midwestern Americans. Wonder Bread at its finest.
When I was growing up, it was impolite to talk about race and racism. When race was discussed among the white people I knew, we used codes. We lowered our voices. We talked about “those people,” “bad parts of town,” and “people who don’t speak English.” Even if we disapproved, we didn’t speak up when people made racist comments or jokes. We didn’t consider ourselves to be racist because we weren’t using slurs or directly hurting anyone.
When I left my small Midwestern town for a big university, I found myself among with people of color for the first time. Without meaning to, I managed to say some pretty hurtful and racist things to several classmates. Aware of my own ignorance, I also found myself avoiding people of color because I was afraid I would say something wrong. I simply didn’t know how to interact with people who were not white like me.
I struggle to find the words to describe how I felt then, because so much in my life has changed.
Now, I am married to an Asian American man. I am the mother of a mixed race (Asian and white) daughter. I will soon become the transracial adoptive parent of a child from China. Culture, race and racism are frequent topics of conversations in my world today.
For me, becoming anti-racist began before I met my husband or became a mother, but now the stakes are higher. Unlearning racism is the most important parenting work I do for my children and myself. It is a long process and I try work on it every day.
Racism is more than being actively hateful. Racism is passively allowing discrimination to happen, ignoring a racist joke or not speaking up when I should. Racism is ignoring the pain and experiences of people of color. Racism is pretending that race doesn’t matter.
It has been difficult for me to find other white people who are willing to talk honestly about the challenges of trying to unlearn racism. And when we do talk about it, it sometimes feels like we are trying to communicate in a foreign language. I have found that with practice, it gets easier.
It gets easier to acknowledge that I am the recipient of white privilege. It gets easier to admit that I notice race. It gets easier to look honestly at my thoughts (even the subconscious ones), identify racist tendencies and change my actions. It gets easier to speak up.
I am not an expert, an academic or much of an activist, but I am honored to be one voice here at Anti-Racist Parent. I believe that the more we talk about race and racism, the more power we have to fight it.
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Amber is currently underpaid and overworked as the full-time parent to a three year-old daughter. Currently, she and her husband are in the process of adopting a child from China. Amber blogs about motherhood, adoption and life in her Midwestern multiracial family at American Family.
Amber! I am so thrilled to see this photo of your gorgeous family. And thrilled that you will be writing here. You’re doing really great and important work. Keep it up.
Wow..great site and I’m always impressed with Amber’s work. Glad to see her here.
Welcome to the team, Amber! You know I’ve been a fan of AmFam for a long time. When we launched, I was all, “You know who’d be great for ARP? AmFam!” And here you are! Yay!
I enjoyed reading you post. I still work on these issues internally. We adopted our daughter, who is about to turn 7, from China 6 years ago. While I was truly excited about the prospect, and adopting from China was something I had thought about for a long time, it wasn’t until we started the paperwork process that I really started focusing on my own internal prejudices.
I know my daughter is going to face race issues that, as a Caucasian, I have never had to deal with. Plus, there are all the adoption issues, too. It’s on ongoing process and I look forward to your commentaries.
Amber, welcome! It’s great to see you contributing here. I am looking forward to your essays.
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What I always find ironic is that all that teaching in the 70′s about “Race doesn’t matter” was instigated in an effort to eradicate racism. Instead it was just denial.
I went through (and am still going through) a major re-assessment when I moved to my current city — being around so many people who are different from me really brought out the crap I had hidden under the surface. Which is good– a major part of the reason we moved here was so that my son would not grow up in Wonder-bread land.
Amber, great to see you contributing here. That’s a wonderful pic of the three of you!
Good to see you continuing to spread the good word, Amber, and also to actually *see* you. Look forward to more posts.
What a beautiful family! I look forward to your posts here too!
DS-L
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It’s not wrong to teach that race doesn’t matter… but if that’s all you’re saying you’re leaving out why you have to say it in the first place… because it does matter. Anyone who’s really conscious of all this knows that’s the conundrum at the center of racial issues.
Race doesn’t matter when it comes to individuals’ inherent capabilities, personalities, emotions, etc. — and that’s what the simplistic teaching of the ’70s (and before and since) means to address. For those who aren’t as aware, it does very little good to dismiss this concept as unimportant.
Race does matter when it comes to how individuals fare within society… and to say otherwise, as Meira mentions, is just denial. There are a lot of reasons why this piece of the puzzle — the truly vital one — gets overlooked, underplayed, etc. Hence, this site and our discussion.
I know I’m preaching to the choir but I lay out this simple case as an important one to make with those who aren’t so aware — because when they say “race doesn’t matter,” they’re right, just not right enough.
Good point LM! Speaking only from a scientific standpoint, race is completely irrelevant. Superficial differences are what they are; superficial. Unfortunately, there are still many people alive today who to employ the artificial construct of race to describe behavior, potential, attitude, etc. While race itself truly does not matter, it is the perception of race that makes a difference in our lives. What people perceive as true often becomes “truth” and is harmful to others via behavior, actions, inactions, etc. Race should not be an issue, but it will be an issue as long as ignorance thrives and dims the light of reality. It is up to all of us to point out such ignorance when we see it. There is still a long way to go.
Though I respect the most basic idea of being “colorblind,” it’s also extremely misleading.
The reason why is because it contains one key word which no one seems to notice. The word is “blind.” It means you can’t see.
I’d rather see everything and make decisions based on what I can see and experience. Being colorblind is what causes everyone to tiptoe around the discussion of racism but no one, especially whites, actually learn the fundamentals of racism and how it affects certain demographics differently.
Some examples:
A white woman/man I was talking to had no idea why it was wrong to refer to blacks as “creatures” even though she used it in a positive phrase in a poem such as “they are wonderful creatures.”
Well, it’s the same reason why you don’t refer to Asians and Latinos with the following descriptions: horde, invasion, tide, flood, etc.
The answers are quite easy. Blacks have been viewed as being animals and beasts since slavery and Asians/Latinos are constantly referred to the groups that breed on an enormous scale and flood the “indigenous” people out from their own lands.
Being colorblind hinders one’s ability to gauge what’s racist and what’s not.
The better motto to adapt is:
“See everyone for what they are, skin color and all but treat everyone equally.”
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