Ask ARP: How to instill pride in race and heritage for adopted son?

Dear Anti-Racist Parent,

ask anti-racist parent We are soon to be a multicultural family and I am from the belief that every culture has a rich heritage to be embraced. Our son is coming from China and I have not been content with the way some of my peers have incorporated their child’s culture into their everyday lives. I am looking for ways to give my son a positive self image about who he is as a whole but I don’t know how. Maybe you folks can help.

I have never heard of the ice cream of coffee descriptions (honestly as a pretty ignorant white person I found it ridiculous). I want to go beyond heritage camps and learning from books but again nothing. I don’t even know what to ask but I do know I want my son to be proud of his race and heritage-I just want to know how. I want him to deal with racism face on but how can I each him when I have never been on the receiving side of it.

Here is my question-I have been trying to become friends with some people who are also from China within our community-how do we break down those awkward moments of trying to be respectful. It seems very hard to do. We have asked people over and such but no go. What are we doing wrong? I feel the best way to help our son be comfortable with who he is -is to build relationships with people of his race and culture and not just occasional get together’s but real relationships. We are trying to do so before he joins our family.

I have had friends and family tell me I am doing too much in trying to learn about his culture and race. I have actually been asked how am I going to “Americanize” him if I keep exposing him to all “stuff that’s Chinese”. My response is no matter how much I expose him to his culture it will never be truly Chinese and he can’t help but become “Americanized” but once he leaves his country he will lose all that is authentically of his race and culture. I am trying to learn some Asian dishes to cook, and am getting some items to incorporate into our home decor that reflect the Chinese influence in our home. From there I am out of ideas.

Thank you for doing this – thank you for the honesty and mostly thank you for your help.

Lisa from MD

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In case you missed it… at Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook on 01 Dec 2006 at 2:42 pm

[...] Ask ARP : How to instill pride in race and heritage for adopted son? Our son is coming from China and I have not been content with the way some of my peers have incorporated their child’s culture into their everyday lives. I am looking for ways to give my son a positive self image about who he is as a whole but I don’t know how. [...]
In case you missed it… at Racialicious - the intersection of race and pop culture on 01 Dec 2006 at 2:43 pm

[...] Ask ARP : How to instill pride in race and heritage for adopted son? Our son is coming from China and I have not been content with the way some of my peers have incorporated their child’s culture into their everyday lives. I am looking for ways to give my son a positive self image about who he is as a whole but I don’t know how. [...]

Comments

Jae Ran wrote:

Lisa, I think you have incorporated at heart what I think many adoptive parents haven’t – that it’s not just shoving buffets at the local Chinese restaurant and culture camps in your kid’s face that is going to really impact your family, it’s having a community that includes Chinese Americans.

I don’t know if you practice a spiritual faith, but if you do you could try attending a place of worship that has a Chinese American congregation. You could also try to frequent Chinese American businesses on a regular basis.

I think the most difficult aspect is that you will have to establish trust within the community. If it appears you are looking for “Chinese friends” just to help out your child, you might have a very long and difficult wait before you are included into the community.

I’ve always felt, as a transracially adopted person, that it was the parent’s job to find their community before the child comes in. That is easier said than done, I realize. My point is, that it might look insincere to the Chinese American community (or whatever ethnic community is involved) for white parents of adopted children to come into their community looking to them for guidance and help as role models.

A second thought. My advice might be to look at in general how diverse your own circle of friends are – and that includes others than Chinese Americans. Your child will benefit from seeing that diversity in your own life. There is nothing you can do to replace the fact that your child will not grow up being culturally “Chinese” so you will have to do whatever you can to ensure that you and he recognize how as a person of color and part of the Chinese diaspora, you will both be perceived in the US.

Posted 27 Nov 2006 at 10:14 am ¶
AmericanFamily wrote:

Lisa,
I think you are right that building personal relationships with Chinese, Chinese American and other people of color will greatly benefit your son. It sounds like you are taking some really great first steps.

While putting yourself out there is hard (especially when you aren’t getting the response you want right away), you have to keep trying. I think it is especially challenging for white adoptive parents to make connenctions in the Chinese community because there are a lot of biases against adoption for many people from China. You have to keep trying, but it does make your work more challenging.

Some suggestions for making friends:
1) Find a way to have a mutually beneficial relationship rather than just making a friend so your kid can see an Asian face. What do you have to offer? Could you offer to be a conversation partner for someone just learning English? Can you volunteer at a local Asian social services organization?

2) Try to seek out all kinds of Asian role models, not just recent immigrants from China (2nd generation or later Asians may not have the same biases against adoption)

3) Be VERY respectful when attending Chinese community events. I often see large groups of white adoptive parents loudly invading Chinese community activities and it makes it harder for all of us. Contact the leaders of the events and ask if you would be welcome. Offer to volunteer to work at the event (A great way to meet people!). Ask if there is anything you can contribute. Put yourself out there as someone who wants to give back as well as take from the community.

4) Don’t just use Chinese community activities as your way of meeting Asian adults. Look for other places where you can meet them where Chinese cultures is not the focus. Examples I can think of in my community are parks, ballroom dancing lessons, tennis, library storytimes, etc. Think outside the box a little and try to find activities where you will see the same people repeatedly over a period of time.

5) Once your son is home, make it a priority that his activities include other Asian children. We looked long and hard to find a preschool with Asian teachers and a majority of Asian kids. Our daughter takes dance classes at the local Chinese saturday school. Make playdates with the kids you meet there. My daughter sees many Asian faces every day, but it is because we work at it.

I recently posted about this topic on my blog with a lot more detail than I can fit in this comment box. If you are interested, you can read more here:

http://american-family.org/2006/11/20/overcoming-adoption-prejudice/

Good luck!

Posted 27 Nov 2006 at 10:54 am ¶
Margie wrote:

Hi, Lisa,

I echo everything that Jae Ran and Amber of American Family say above, and would add a couple things.

Amber touched on one – contributing to your child’s ethnic community. This may take you outside of your comfort zone, but is in my opinion one of the best ways to reach through the barrier that often separates adoptive families and their children’s communities. Connecting through such an organization may create the foundation on which you can build the kinds of friendships you seek. And in my experience, once one adoptive family reaches into their child’s community, others follow.

I would also add that your child’s interest may open up new ways to connect with his community that you may not be thinking of yet. Letting our children lead us to the connections that will work for them will give those connections more meaning. A personal example (we are an adoptive family with two Korean teens) – our daughter has always been interested in sports, and developed a deep connection to taekwondo. Through her sport, she has met and become close to several Korean American families, all of whom have brought her closer to the Korean American experience in a way my husband and I simply can’t.

From your message it’s clear these issues are important to you. That’s the first step in helping bring your child closer to his community. Best of luck to you, and enjoy every minute!

Posted 27 Nov 2006 at 7:23 pm ¶
sume wrote:

Just wanted to chime in…

I see some great suggestions here. As an adoptee, I’ve had a similar dilemma when it comes to how to get involved with the Vietnamese American community in my area.

I agree that it should be a priority for adoptive parents to think about these things before they even consider adopting. However, even for those who do, it can be terribly difficult for them to get in touch with and interact with local communities.

While brainstorming with a few friends of mine, we were throwing around ways in which to facilitate the way for both adoptive parents and adoptees alike. One of the things we came up with was finding ways to reach out and get local (fill-in-the-blank) communities involved. For example, set up volunteer opportunities for mentoring like a big sister/brother program, community events and get-togethers. I’m not sure how feasible or realistic the idea is but the point is for the “adoption community” to openly ask local communities for help and provide opportunities to do so.

If you make it about adoptive parents, some may be reluctant to answer the call but if it’s all about the children, some may want to help.

Posted 28 Nov 2006 at 10:19 pm ¶
Sparkle_Shortz wrote:

At the risk of sounding harsh: Be willing to go beyond your comfort zone, and understand that it is not the responsibility of random Chinese people to help you raise your child. Be grateful for any person of color who is willing to help you, and repay their generosity with engaging them as real people rather than teachers’ aides, and giving back to the community you are trying to join in ways that fight racism in ways larger than its effects on your immediate family.

Posted 16 Dec 2006 at 4:57 pm ¶