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1. In case you missed it… at Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook on 01 Dec 2006 at 2:42 pm

   [...] Ask ARP: How to handle racist family members? My family background is Cuban and his is Jamaican. To make a long story short, my family does not accept our relationship simply because he is black. [...]

2. Little pitchers have big ears at Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook on 01 Jan 2007 at 10:03 pm

   [...] I began to reply to Susanna’s question on Anti-Racist Parent, but realized that my response was too long for the comment box, so I thought I would share my thoughts about how I deal with racist family members, and how that affects both myself and my children, here instead. [...]

Comments

1. Terri Smith wrote:

   Good luck to you.When we adopted my mixed race son(white/black) my father(white like us) was very vocal.”You don’t want to do that”.Well, we did, and he got to know my son anyway.Then we added my daughter(also mixed) to our family.My mother in law also made some very racist comments,but I am sure she had never met anyone who cared. I asked her to stop and she did, or I wouldn’t have been around her.
   I am grateful my kids had their Grandparents,but I wouldn’t haven’t tolerated any slurs.Living in a very white state has been a challenge,but that’s another topic! Know that you all are blessed.
   Terri

   Posted 01 Dec 2006 at 2:28 pm ¶

2. Rachel wrote:

   As some one who studies family approval of black/white couples, I feel I have a little insight here. I had two very important findings related to this question in my research 1) The “what about the children?” question was one of the key arguments white relatives used to oppose an interracial relationship and 2) Most white families become more approving of an interracial relationship after the birth of a child.

   This certainly doesn’t hold true for all families, but I think many parents of IR couples change when they have grandchildren. It’s much harder to hate a child or being angry with a child.

   So this may actually be a good point to try to rehabilitate the relationship. I would get my hopes up really high, but you may want to start by sending them a birth announcment or card. You could tell them exactly what you would like– that they be a part of your child’s life. If they don’t respond, I would continue to send pictures, etc.

   You could start slowly to see if they are willing to change. Then, if things get better, you could visit. I wouldn’t leave the children with them alone. Once the line of communication is open (if that happens) then you could bring up the subject of racism and discord in the family. You may also want to make it clear that they need to behavior in a particular way (not be racist).

   This may take a long time, and it may never work out, but I have heard of it working in several other cases.

   Posted 01 Dec 2006 at 10:57 pm ¶

3. brad wrote:

   Given the long history of miscegenation in Cuba, I wonder if the famous question “who was your grandma?” might be a handy tool. The fact remains that the majority of Cuba’s population is African-descended. Some people have crossed the color line and don’t want to look back at their history.

   One thing that I have noticed is that all of the movies about Cuba that are made are about the “White” Cuban experience are either on the island or as immigrants to the U.S. The only time mulattoes or blacks are shown in Cuba are as servants.

   Posted 02 Dec 2006 at 7:34 pm ¶

4. Susanna wrote:

   I agree Brad…that’s one of the things I always wonder about when it comes to the majority of the population in Cuba. I wouldn’t doubt that in my family there is some mixing somewhere along the line…being that my dad has very kinky/curly hair and so do I. He was once even discriminated against because of his hair when he first moved to this country. Thats the ironic thing about all of this. They can’t seem to open their minds and their eyes to certain things.

   Posted 02 Dec 2006 at 11:05 pm ¶

5. Lyonside wrote:

   Wow, do I feel this question. My inlaws have experienced racism – and that doesn’t stop them from being racist. I have some suggestions, which I know echo Terri and Rachel above.

   1. If they’re threatening to break off all contact, or something like that, do as Rachel suggests and reach out with a cute baby picture, update on the baby’s health, etc. once s/he arrives. If possible, have you and your fiance meet with the parents privately and talk about what you want from them as grandparents. They may open up to you as to WHY they’re hostile, or they may pretend they’re really not, or they may use personal attacks. Let your fiance do a lot of the talking, though – he knows them best, and he may be able to make them understand that you and the baby are not going anywhere. Don’t let them push emotional buttons, and try to keep everything civil. But if you feel it becomes too much, be prepared to leave.

   2. This only works if you have some contact w/ his family BUT… call family members out on racist language and slang. Watch out for the euphamistic “those people.” Make sure that you and the fiance have a unified front, so that he is not the apeaser and you are not the troublemaker. Sometimes people say things out of habit, without really acknowleging what they’re saying.

   3. Turn
   “What about the CHILDREN?” into “What ABOUT the children?” If they wonder about ethnic confusion, ostracism, etc., treat it like a legit request and give them the information. The current stats for multiethnic/biracial kids TODAY show that we’re generally no more or less confused, no more/less likely to be successful, criminal, poor, etc.

   4. Again: this only works if there’s contact. Don’t allow slurs or other negative words to be said in your hearing or around your child. It doesn’t matter if they’re “too young to understand.” Infants pick up on tone instinctively, and small toddlers will repeat anything to get a reaction. Make a pact now to not leave the child alone with either the grandparents or other grandchildren.

   5. Stock up on your own resources as a parent. Music, books, etc. that show both your heritages would be good. Look into any Latino (specifically Cuban or otherwise),and Jamaican celebrations, festivals, or school/library programs in your area. You may also be able to connect with other diverse families to form a support structure.

   It is true that once a grandparent sees beyond color that their grandchild is “normal,” relations can improve.

   Posted 04 Dec 2006 at 11:48 am ¶

6. Kim wrote:

   Susanna,

   I’m not going to be encouraging here.

   People who
   1. are openly opposed to the two of you being together,

   2. benefit from the privilege of being perceived as white ,and

   3. reveal in their loaded questions ‘about the children’ that as society will not confer skin privilege to these offspring, but will stamp them as belonging to that “other” group,

   4. are concerned that so too does the stamp attach to the family, (and you need to know this is what it is all about), and therefore

   5. say the family will not acknowledge those offspring are SERIOUS.

   In many instances, ranging from your position of importance or “good standing” in the family unit, the family WILL ignore your children and their place in the rank of the grandkids.

   Even where some family members may reach out, or may want to, the threat of loss of some aspect from the first family unit (inheritance, access) may compel them to make such gestures surreptitiously, or place them into the uncomfortable position of knowing the larger extended family unit gathers at times when yours may not be invited or welcome (even when no one would slam the door upon your arrival.)

   A two-year old poll taken on the feelings of whites (caucasian, non-hispanic) toward changes in society and attitudes toward integration in the workplace and schools, had results reported as “sixty-six percent of the white families say they would even be accepting of a child marrying someone of another race [black].” It is the ‘even’ part which is troubling. ‘Even’ connotes an exception to a mainstay behavior or attitude, as exceptional, as not part of what was hoped for, but , hey, sure, why not.

   You should certainly make the early efforts to include your parents, but don’t knock yourself out. You’ll spend too much time focusing on a problem which, at its core, is not yours. You can always build community with people who don’t think the family you have created is aberrant, or toward which anyone must reconcile their feelings.

   Posted 05 Dec 2006 at 2:16 pm ¶

7. Lyonside wrote:

   OK, I screwed up on whose family was what background So re: my earlier comment, please just flip the nouns/pronouns around a bit…

   I agree with a lot of what Kim says, and I definitely think you should be cautious… But:
   >People who say the family will not acknowledge those offspring are SERIOUS.

   I don’t know about this – sometimes people say this without even KNOWING anyone of a particular background personally, or out of societal ignorance. It’s amazing how many people think, “OMG, the neighbors/church group/etc. won’t understand” when people in those groups may already have mixed families themselves, or at least not be hostile to the concept. Or they talk to one person, and think that that’s how everyone is, etc. People have selective hearing, esp. when it comes to confirming their own beliefs (yeah, myself included).

   But I know from experience that changes in behavior if not belief can happen.

   My mom’s father was an Archie-Bunker type racist (equal-opportunity racist – he hated everyone). When I was born, my parents were unmarried. My mom and grandmother collaborated to say nothing about my father’s ethnicity, and Pop-pop ended up walking around for the last 3 years of his life saying, “Why is she so dark? She must have some Puerto Rican in her…” Poor, truly clueless man! He had no way to handle my appearance, so he went for the less objectionable option in his mind.

   It didn’t stop him from caring for me, and from all accounts, he was a grandfather despite reservations on the part of, well, everyone.

   >Even’ connotes an exception to a mainstay behavior or attitude, as exceptional, as not part of what was hoped for, but , hey, sure, why not.

   Not to make excuses, but I question whether that part (the “even”) was written by the poll-takers (pollwriter/taker bias is HUGE). I’ve taken lots of surveys where I agreed w/ the sentiment, if not the actual wording, and you can’t change one or two words. I also question where and with what demographic the survey was taken. A 35 YO parent in a major city may be a little different from a 55YO parent in the ruural midwest.

   All that said, if worst comes to worst, substitute or “play” grandparents are amazing all of the love, none of the familial baggage…

   Posted 06 Dec 2006 at 11:23 am ¶

8. Kim wrote:

   Yes, the reason I wrote as I did,regarding the reporting of the survey, is because of the way the bias could have been placed by those doing the reporting, and not by those who published the survey.

   But listen to the tone in what becomes normal speech pattern among the layperson, listen to what it connotes, to how it transmits the underlying assumption and values. It is all around us, even when not being passed off as the voice of scientific reasoning.

   Yes, the fictive grandparent can often do a wonderful, warm job of letting the kids know they are loved.

   And those grandparents are 64 year old Mid-Western, not-so-rural residents.

   Posted 06 Dec 2006 at 5:26 pm ¶

9. Susanna wrote:

   Well…..the thing is, my own parents didn’t want to tell my grandparents what was going on. They said they would have a heart attack or something…so I went ahead and told them myself. Well…to make a long story short many “remarks” were made…one being… “He is only with you to elevate his race”.
   I think its true what Kim said about “spending too much time focusing on a problem which, at its core, is not yours.” After they made that remark it really turned me off to say the least. It makes it hard to even want to begin to have a relationship with them.

   Posted 06 Dec 2006 at 7:51 pm ¶

10. Lyonside wrote:

    Susanna: That’s harsh – I’m not sure I could have kept a straight face on the “elevate the race” line – but then, I’m pretty confrontational and would have have switched on the “anger” before “hurt.” Hopefully you were able to at least report back to your parents and go, “See, no heart attacks, not the end of the world.”

    You have to do what’s best for your immediate family (and that means, yourself, fiance, and baby). I think that you’re willing to talk and be open about all this now is a very good thing.

    Ultimately it is your family’s loss, and they’ll regret it, I think. I guess ultimately it’s a “hope for the future, deal with the present reality” kind of thing.

    Posted 07 Dec 2006 at 11:41 am ¶

11. Lyonside wrote:

    >listen to the tone in what becomes normal speech pattern among the layperson, listen to what it connotes, to how it transmits the underlying assumption and values. It is all around us, even when not being passed off as the voice of scientific reasoning.

    That’s true, Kim, and it deserves confrontation (there’s that “anger” switch again). I don’t trust surveys as a general rule (too muck Family Feud as a kid – I never agreed with them either), and I hate when they’re used to affect public opinion or politics. It’s just too easy to influence, either by sampling size or by questions asked.

    Posted 07 Dec 2006 at 11:43 am ¶

12. Kim wrote:

    Susanna,

    You will be Mommy, and he will be Daddy, and nobody else will really matter. And it will all overwhelm you, and tire you out, and make you laugh, and…everything!

    You can do it. We can help (sorry, I just starting cracking up as I started a different sentence, and it just came out).

    My husband grandmother, ninety-years-old when I met her, was so concerned that I was comfortable in the family, and she has welcomed my children and my family into her life. So it is isn’t always the age, but the disposition, I suppose.

    I think she’s lived long enough to see the entire world change, and will not spend any energy on the nonsense anymore. It is her daughter, my husband’s mother, who could not stand up to the courage of her convictions, the very same convictions she instilled in her child, my husband, and turned away.

    Perhaps the more overt statements are merely initial shock, I don’t know. Such statements never came from the grandparents.

    But I do know that your children are not the tools to redeem their prejudicial disapproval of your having found love with a Black man (and Jamaican heritage can be so multi-ethnic), so simply keep your eyes open, and your heart attuned to the nuances that come if you should be welcomed back into the fold.

    You may well present to the world a picture much like that I have: children who are identifiably Black, a Hispanic-looking child, (Their doctor says to my husband, Oh, Mr. —-your children have wonderful tans!), and two Caucasian-looking chldren.

    Be attuned to how each is received by the family, and be prepared to firmly but gently address any disparities you may see in treatment.

    Think of chocolate during the labor, and do any delivery option but the bed. Our bodies are made to have gravity assist!

    Peace to you.

    Posted 07 Dec 2006 at 3:55 pm ¶

13. Susanna wrote:

    Thanks to all to your advice and kind words. I will try to remember that what is important is the happiness of my immediate family. Its hard to please everyone and it just can’t be done sometimes. I’m happy and that’s what counts. I just hope that they can see this one day. Happy Holidays to everyone!

    Posted 07 Dec 2006 at 7:24 pm ¶

14. Aly wrote:

    I read some of your comments. I am a mother of a biracial son (black, hispanic, & caucasian). It is sad to say that my family is extremely racist towards blacks. They practically disowned me for dating a black man. My relationship is better than all the relationships I have been in. He is a motivated professional and we bought a home together. I introduced my 5 month old son after 2 years of not talking to my family. They tried to accept it and it was quite bumpy. The reason it became more difficult was because of my siblings. They are very cold hearted and jelouse of my return to the family. The only reason I brought my son to them was because I did not want him to ask about his grandparents. I did not want to say that they are racisist and want nothing to do with us. So , I let them decide. Well, I think they made their decision. Eventually my teen sister brought out racial discussions related to my son and how difficult it will be to raise him to how I ruined the family. My parents did not do anything to stop her. I had to leave because my son was upset due to the arguement. I really feel that you need to have a serious discussion with your parents or anyone else that finds the situation sensitive after you send them photos. Understand that you can not teach old dogs new tricks. It is not your fault for their ignorance. Good luck.

    Posted 17 Jan 2008 at 3:58 pm ¶

15. Morgan wrote:

    I am white and I am in a relationship with a black man. I went on one date with him and it went well. A mutual friend introduced us. I had not dated out of my race until we started dating. To say the least, all hell broke loose when I started to go on a second date with him and my mom found out. I have been dating him for almost 9 months now and things still aren’t any better. She refuses to meet him. At one point, it got a little rough and he didn’t think he could handle the situation anymore if she never changed. I realize it does get tough. She hasn’t directly said, but has hinted at my family disowning me for dating him and I think that is unfair and ridiculous. I think they should love me and be happy that I’m happy and show support. My brother and some of my closest cousins have met and love him, but my mother does refuse and she refuses to let me tell my Grandad. My uncle knows, but has never mentioned it. I just think it is time to get over it. She has threatened me with disownment and has tried to make me feel like I need to choose one or the other and I refuse. I choose both and they will have to accept it. I understand you can’t change people’s opinions, but I think I should fight for what I believe in and I do not think it is fair that I have to be threatened to break up with him for what others believe in and think. This is my life and I feel like they should love me for me and accept my decisions as a grown adult.

    It is very, very stressful, but he is amazing and worth it and I should not feel guilty for being happy. He is successful. He is in college, has a full time job as a boss and lives on his own. She acts like he is this trouble-making jailbird when the fact of the matter is, he has never been in trouble and she is jumping to conclusions that cannot be fixed because she refuses to meet him.

    I just hope I can continue to be strong because I feel I am doing the right thing and I have amazing friends and some family members who do support me.

    Posted 30 Oct 2009 at 7:12 pm ¶

16. Stephanie wrote:

    I am a white woman who is dating a black man. I am from the deep south and my father absolutely does not accept. It bothered me at first not to talk to him but then my boyfriend told me phone my father would leave him nearly threatening him, given I was 17 at the time. It has been three years later and my dad thinks we broke up but is very nosy and has lots of money and we are wondering if he could or would possibly track us and harm him? Please tell me what you think we should do!

    Posted 24 May 2010 at 11:37 pm ¶

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