by Anti-Racist Parent Columnist, Karen Walrond, originally published at Chookooloonks
Back in August, a commenter asked what I thought of this article. It was written by a Lisa Lerner, a Jewish-American woman who adopted transracially from India, and who, as it turns out, ended up having trouble handling the fact that her daughter was dark: “even Blacks and Indians in Vaishali’s and my social circle are lighter than she,” she says. She concludes, “We need darker friends.”
Ignoring for a moment the ridiculousness of this last statement (what’s she going to do, start making friends on the basis of skin colour? “Hi, I’m Lisa. My daughter’s dark — like you, actually. I was wondering: will you be our friend?”), the general content of her article, as you can imagine, unleashed a flood of comments. Some people praised her for her courage in admitting something that was clearly difficult to admit, others blatantly called her a racist, and still others wondered why the hell she would adopt internationally when “there were plenty of children needing a home in America.” I’ll admit upfront that I read very few of these responses, because frankly, they didn’t jibe with my initial reaction. My first thought was, “this doesn’t surprise me in the least.”
See, I have a theory: as superficial as it sounds, I think all prospective parents have an idea of what they hope their child will look like. “I hope the baby has my wife’s eyes,” a man might think. “God help me if she has my mother-in-law’s nose,” an expectant mother may shudder. It’s human nature to imagine what your family is going to look like — and therefore no different for adoptive parents. For this reason, I think to state that “race shouldn’t matter” when adopting is naive — race does matter. When we were considering adoption, Marcus and I specifically wanted a multiracial child, because we’re an interracial couple (although what races made up the “multiracial” were much less of an issue). Even when a couple chooses to adopt transracially, if they’re smart, they will have considered whether or not they can handle all of the issues that can arise when their kids don’t look like their parents do, and therefore the adoption is obvious on its face. Race matters, make no mistake.
The question, therefore, is not whether the baby looks like you expected her to, but whether you can handle it if she doesn’t. And this, my friends, takes some serious soul-searching — a flippant “of course I can, I’m not racist, I have friends of all colours” is not enough. It requires honestly looking at biases that you may have based on others’ skin colour, or culture, or nationality, and really being frank with yourself as to where any discomfort you feel comes from. It requires, if you choose to adopt transracially or transculturally, exploring, on a deep level, why you feel drawn to one race (or culture or nationality) or another. And frankly, it behooves you to do this WAY AHEAD OF TIME — when your child comes home to you is probably a bit late.
As you can imagine, for some this can be a very uncomfortable exercise, since it may involve uncovering some less-than-attractive traits. The good news, however, is you don’t have to tell anyone. For once, it’s really no one’s business why you choose to adopt internationally, or transculturally or transracially — or hell, why you don’t — and if anyone asks, you can just smile and say something vague like, “it’s just what feels right.” (That said, if you do uncover some biases based on stereotypes, for your own good, you probably want to work on that — but that’s a conversation for another time).
I guess my thoughts on this were cemented some time back: a few years ago, Marcus and I heard of a situation similar to Lerner’s. In this case, a couple returned their infant baby to the placing adoption agency during the six-month period pending finalization of adoption, because their African-American child was “too dark.” What made this story particularly startling was that the couple were themselves African-American. I remember first thinking how preposterous I thought their position was, but you know what? Ultimately, they did the right thing: if they weren’t equipped to raise the baby to be proud of who s/he was, then thank God they gave another couple the chance to do so. As for Lerner, well — I guess I wish her the best. It’s too bad she didn’t confront her preconceptions before little Vaishali came home, but whatever. Here’s hoping she works through them now — for both their sakes.
Anyway, that’s my take on the matter – feel free to share your own thoughts in the comments. Oh and one more thing:
No one said this adoption stuff was easy.
—-
Formerly an attorney, Karen Walrond is now a writer and photographer who has contribued to such parenting publications as Blogging Baby and AlphaMom. She is the author of Chookooloonks, which was named one of the Best Adoption Blogs on the internet by Adoptive Families Magazine, and was featured in the book Blogosphere: Best of Blogs. She currently resides with her husband and daughter in Trinidad & Tobago.
A powerful message Karen. Thanks.
I think you make a strong point here. It’s easy to point at people who adopt this way or that way and cry “Racism!” but ultimately, it’s not helpful. Racism is present in every aspect of adoption — from the availability of children to the privilege of adopters to the institutional structure of adoption professionals.
It’s important that parents don’t use adoption as a way to “work out” their racism. I know that some non-black parents choose to adopt black babies because that’s what they can afford (black babies being less expensive to adopt through some programs) or because that’s what they perceive as being most available and do very little soul searching about what that means. (Baby hunger is a poor task master.) I find that way more disturbing than people who say, “I can’t do this” before they commit themselves to a child.
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“The question, therefore, is not whether the baby looks like you expected her to, but whether you can handle it if she doesn’t.”
So much of the weight of that statement parallels the considerations one must make when one is told the baby may have complications, problems…with the options ranging from educating and preparing to care and love a child “less than perfect,” and terminating a pregnancy.
The final analysis, it seems, is that the children can often be found to be outside of the parameters of what a healthy child is supposed to be, and,therefore, imperfect. The laughter seems tinged with this imperfection, the delight dim, the milestone moments a dullard step toward a dullard life, as seen through the eyes of the disapproving adoptive parent.
Yes, giving a child an opportunity to find accepting arms with someone else does not seem so selfish when these considerations are made. It is the lack of consideration of these circumstances that seem, irrefutably, selfish.
Thanks for the perspective.
It never ceases to amaze me when I hear of people who don’t think about racism before they adopt transracially. But I guess there may be some wishful thinking involved, like “If I pretend it doesn’t matter, then it won’t.” But its the children who pay.
“The question, therefore, is not whether the baby looks like you expected her to, but whether you can handle it if she doesn’t.”
Karen, as an adoptive mom, I have to weigh in. I see the question as being a bit different. It is “Assume the child will look different from you. What you need to do as her parent is understand that that difference matters, because race matters. What is your plan to help her feel comfortable with her racial heritage and at home in your family?” While Lisa’s “we need darker friends” may seem simplistic, at its core it is true. As long as her daughter is the only person of her racial heritage in her close-in community, she’ll feel alone.
Julie,
from what I understood, the idea that this child might differ even from people who have a similar racial heritage but with significantly different looks (you can apply bone structure, eye color, height, skin color, hair type, shape of head, etc.), thereby not “normalizing” even within that extended-original-people’s community, could simply further be a source of conspicuous “outsiderness” and discomfort for the adoptive parents.
Children will feel out who loves and welcomes them, and this does not have to happen in a community where one is isolated by “one’s own.” The sad fact in the African American community of the problems associated with valuing people differently placed on color/tone/shade is not one I even need allude to: Karen did so herself.
I would posit that cultural heritage may be what you seem to feel is the most important, while the “darker friends” comment may or may not have truly been too far off the mark.
The intersection of the two would, I think, be important in the rearing of the child.
I have white friends who adopted an orphaned brother and sister from Africa. I won’t tell you whether those kids have black or white or brown skin, because I’ve never heard that mentioned by anyone in the family, not becuase they’re being careful not to, but simply because people in that family are people.
Wish it was always this non-anxious and real.
To
JulieKim:My husband and I adopted an interracial child because for us, it was important that her adoption not be obvious on its face, so that when she grew up, she could manage how much information she gave about the fact she was adopted to her own friends and social circle in her own time. The decision had NOTHING TO DO WITH “color/tone/shade.”
As a multiracial person born to a multiracial family who come in all colours, tones and shades, I was not naive enough to believe that a multiracial child comes in a certain “shade” or “color tone.”
Furthermore, stating an interracial couple choosing to adopt a biracial child is proof that they don’t value one race or another is like saying a white couple who choose to adopt a white child hates other races, or a black couple choosing to adopt a black child is clearly prejudiced again nonblack people. A bit simplistic of a conclusion, don’t you think?
Karen,
Not seeing a JulieKim posting above, and seeing you reference my statement, the allusion by you to which I refer had nothing to do with your family, but the African American family you mentioned in your article who found it best to return the very dark child.
The shared racial heritage (even in its place-specific abstract, yet with its psycological and politicaly hyphenated relevance and proximity) of Black/African did not seem enough in that situation.
Also, as I did not even frame an argument toward anything you address in the latter part of your post, I really am not clear what you have construed.
Kim: just to clarify, my computer shows the “Julie” crossed out, so Karen’s comment is to you -your browser may not be showing the text formatting correctly.
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I remember when this article first came out and made the rounds. If nothing else, it shows that colorism is alive and well… My issue w/ the original author, though, is the idea that her social circle has to MATCH her daughter’s skin tone to make a positive impact (i.e. the author DID have black and South Asian friends, just not tof the right “color”). What? In a lot of minority families, you’d be pressed to find siblings or cousins w/ the same skin tone.
IMO, it’s not important that the child see a mirror image, so much as there are people that the minority child can see as role models, and to ask questions that the adoptive white parent cant’ answer. That the child has someone to turn to when teased or made to feel like “other” at school. That the child knows from an early age that skin feels like skin and hug feels like a hug. The presence or absence of diversity in all things is more of an impact on a small child than having a physical double.
When I was growing up, I was usually the only one w/ a white parent, the only one w/ a black parent, etc. everywhere I went. It went beyond physical, though – depending on where I was, I’d be the only one w/ never-married parents, or the only one w/ half-siblings, the only one in private school, or the only one who’s mom worked 2 jobs. If there had been more diversity around me in all my situations, I think I would have felt less on display all the time as a kid.
When I attended SWIRL functions in NYC as an adult, what excited me was not meeting people of my exact mix per se – that wasn’t important – but meeting people of various backgrounds, of which mine was just pedestrian. Normal, boring even. In other words, just like everyone else in my daily life.
I think I posted this comment before — but for what it is worth I had to do this work with my birth sons who are half Asian and didn’t realize I had to do it until after they were born. I held them in the hospital, and they did not appear mixed at all. I held these little Chinese boys and couldn’t believe they came from my body. I had to work through issues over the next months about how that made me feel. Having done that work, clearly made the adoption of our daughter from China easier in that respect.
DS-L
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So many of the comments are from the parents perspective – paretns dealing with their children’s color.
My 7 year old daughter (from Africa) talks about her need for being around other brown kids. She also says she feels loved, cherished and supported for who she is, but wishes there were more kids like her around her. I think this is totally normal and understandable. I am supporting her by trying to find opportunities for her to make ‘brown friends’. I don’t believee that she (or I) is being racist. She wants to be around kids who have hair like her and who make her feel ‘like’ others, instead of always the different, exotic one.
There is a danger that we can get too wrapped up in pc-ness.
>She wants to be around kids who have hair like her and who make her feel ‘like’ others, instead of always the different, exotic one.
I don’t think anyone here is thinking that is being racist. I think what many people flich at is the notion that a perfect skin color match is needed. African-texture hair knows no one skin color, for example. And it’s important, as I’ve said, to not be the Only One. But that doesn’t mean that we have to play the colorism game.
i was watching this show about adoption and a stuck up conceited southern white woman said she chose to adopt from russia becuase she wanted a child that looked american…hmmm what does an america look like, blond hair and blue eyes…what am i then? not american enogugh for you…? i think adoption is perfectly fine as long as the adoptee can rais ethat child with a positive image of who they are..
Karen,
Since you were (apparently) addressing my statements, and have not returned to the thread, I will say that I hope you see the intent of my comments.
I would also like to say something to the nature of your response, but not in this forum.
I respect your voice, and your consistent effort to put your heart out there on the line and would not ask you to defend your family’s choices in any matter. The nature of my posts both here and at your blog (which folded, to my deep sadness), do not lend themselves to the tone you felt I had in my comments.
I guess I am not sure what the ‘colorism’ game is. What I do know is that some people flinch when I suggest that my daughter needs to be around people who look like her. They feel it is racist b/c it is more pc to say we are all the same. This feels naive to me. We are not same and this is wonderful. Until we can celebrate and honor our differences (without fear and judgment) – skin and eye colors, tones, hairtypes etc etc etc – we are not honoring our children and helping them to be proud of who they are, no?
Jennifer: you’re right – the problem w/ saying “Oh, I’m colorblind” is that it IS overly naive and essentially negates anything “different” from the norm, which in the US is still someone of European descent (as the “average” American, etc.). It’s idiotic to say that someone doesn’t “notice” that another person is from a different visible ethnic group – physical features are physical features.
As for “colorism,” that is something pervasive in the African-American and Latino communities, namably that even w/in the same ethnic group, there can be divisions based on appearance, usually hair texture and skin color. I.e. being told that that guy you’re dating is “too dark” and that your kids would have “bad hair” or some such nonsense.
It’s not as bad as it used to be – there’s a lot of pride out there in various communities. But in the African-American community colorism reflects, I think, both a need to look more “acceptable, like white folks” but also a fear of the dangers of passing during segregation – it’s good to be light, but not that light, lest people make a sometimes deadly mistake. In Latino cultures, it reflects the influences of colonialism, in that the upper or ruling classes were/are still the ones that appear most like those of the former colonial power. Case in point: the cast of the average telenovela, or former Mexican president Vincente Fox, whom I always thought looked like he just stepped off the boat. The vast majority of the Mexican people (and many other nations) are of visibly mixed European/Native, African/European, or African/European/Native descent, while those ruling over them rarely have been.
The way I see colorism used in the original article is the idea that the author needed to find someone “darker” to match her daughter, as her AA and Indian friends just weren’t dark enough.
I just found this article, about two weeks old, written by a young man named Jason Riley of the WSJ, who is writing on the unsolicited remarks of friends and acquaintances regarding the birth of his impending biracial child.
One of the comments is so topical to this thread, and particularly resonant of DS-L’s comment .
The comment that struck was, from a Danish woman to the pregnant wife of Riley, “a lot of my friends have interracial babies, and they feel totally alienated from their children.”
Can’t hyperlink, but the url is:
http://www.opinionjournal.com/taste/?id=110009359
An adopted baby adoption can take some characteristics from its adopted parents, studies have shown that the longer you are around someone the more you tend to act like them and favor them. Children adoption will of course begin taking characteristics of their adopted parents once they have been about them for some time. After trying unsuccessfully for years, a lot of couples decide to look into infant adoption.
Elby