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1. this woman’s work » Blog Archive » By the way on 08 Jan 2007 at 11:17 am

   [...] I have a new post up! [...]

2. In case you missed it… at Racialicious - the intersection of race and pop culture on 12 Jan 2007 at 5:30 pm

   [...] Calling anti-racist white parents of white kids! I know that there are white parents of white kids who read this blog and I’d like to hear from you. What’s stopping white parents of white kids from publicly claiming their anti-racism here? [...]

3. In case you missed it… at Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook on 12 Jan 2007 at 6:10 pm

   [...] Calling anti-racist white parents of white kids! I know that there are white parents of white kids who read this blog and I’d like to hear from you. What’s stopping white parents of white kids from publicly claiming their anti-racism here? [...]

Comments

1. Raquita wrote:

   I think they have to be prepared to be called on it when it is visible, and be prepared to call others on theirs.
   I certianly want to be called on my racisim because I beleive there are small racist things in everybody – the difference is a persons willingness to look at, disect, and address it when they find it. A white friend called me on my desire for Cammy to have a bunch of ethnic dolls, but I didn’t buy a white one. and I appreciate her at least asking the question and making me think about my actions. And forcing me to verbalise my reasoning behind my choices.
   I certinaly want Cammy to have a full spectrum of friends – including white ones.
   I think the only way to move forward is to for all people to join, and for all persons to welcome the support, the want to be an anti-racist parent is enough I beleive to help each other get there. and we will have to help each other get there.
   I think the hardest part will be seperating the sterotype of rascist from the reality of it. When you call someone on a rasict they automatically think you think they hate all people of a different race or belong to an extremist group when that isn’t the case with most people. Its just a matter of misinformation or lack of information in general.
   I hope anyway.
   We can do it though. We really can.

   Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 11:04 am ¶

2. Andy wrote:

   Thank you for opening up this topic. I read your blog often but am not qutie sure what sort of area I fit into. I am caucasian but my child is not. As a white mother of a biracial child I find myself in an interesting place. I struggle with things that may come up in her life in the future that I may not know the answers to. How do you teach your child about things that you, yourself, have never experienced? I know her father will be helpful in dealing with things that may come up, but I also want to equip myself with the tools necessary to help her through her life in every single way possible. It’s just so hard knowing that she is going to deal with things I never have before and I am supposed to help her through it, but I’m not quite sure how. We’ll take things as they come and deal with it in the best way we know possible, but it’s something that will always affect me and be in the back of my mind.

   Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 12:34 pm ¶

3. Jae Ran wrote:

   Dawn, great question. I hope people respond, I am very interested in what people have to say about this subject.

   Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 12:57 pm ¶

4. Lyonside wrote:

   It’s an interesting dilemma… My mom was definitely anti-racist as a teen (calling out her father on his most blatent race statements, for example). But now I wonder if she’d have been as vocal if she hadn’t been in an IR and had a biracial child. It definitely forced her to FIND the language in which to speak what was already in her head.

   In my part of Philly, the middle and working class amateur tennis circuit is heavily African-American. It was this circle that my mom found herself in when she picked up the game. Yes, my parents met playing tennis

   In some ways, my mother gained “cred,” and most definitely access, to the African-American community because of her sports connections, but also because of my father and myself. Could she have done it herself? Absolutely… but maybe she would have faced more rejection and suspicion – this was, after all, the 1970s.

   She probably would have been vocally anti-racist to a certain degree, by virtue of her career (early childhood, in the public school district) – which pushed her into different ethnic environments from the get-go.

   I wonder, if antiracist white parents (and non-parents) are not so much afraid of what ethnic minorities would say or think, but rather might lack the tools/language/access to express what they already know.

   Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 1:18 pm ¶

5. Nicole wrote:

   Wow, what a timely question. I’m a white parent of a white child and have been wanting to send my kid’s photo in, but wasn’t sure if I should. I was raised in a pretty anti-racist household (even being all white) but the reality was my school was not very diverse (Saratoga, CA) and we want our children to have much more exposure to diversity. My parents moved to CA from back east and mid-west upbringings, and are extremely liberal. They moved to East Palo Alto once all their kids were out of school and we’re sending our son to pre-school there, where he’s one of the very few white kids, and to be perfectly blunt, I wanted to send a photo of him with his friends there, but then felt funny in that I didn’t have their parent’s permission to put them on the web. I love this blog but do sometimes wonder how my opinions would be viewed.

   Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 1:55 pm ¶

6. Carmen Van Kerckhove wrote:

   I’m so glad that Dawn raised this question because from the start, the intention of Anti-Racist Parent was to be inclusive of ALL anti-racist parents – and that includes white parents of white kids.

   So if you’re a white parent of white children, please by all means speak up! We’d love to hear your views – you’re an important and valued part of our community.

   And Nicole, please do send in a gratuitous cute kid pic of your son! The same goes for everyone else.

   As time goes on, I hope to add more and more guest contributors to ARP. One of my goals is to include as much diversity as possible in terms of race, gender, sexuality, geography, age, etc. Needless to say, columnists who are white parents of white children will be a part of that diversity. If you’d like to suggest someone, please email me at team@loveisntenough.com!

   Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 2:24 pm ¶

7. Lyonside wrote:

   I second Carmen: Nicole, you’re more than welcome and we need ALL perspectives here, not just the minority POV…

   Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 2:37 pm ¶

8. Julia wrote:

   I’ve come here a few times in the past when Dawn has specifically referenced this blog. I am a white parent of a white child and I am fervently committed to fighting racism.

   I grew up in predominantly minority settings (approximately evenly split between blacks and latinos) in Texas. Given my environment, I had a unique chance to view racism from the other side: a watered-down reverse-racism against whites in my school because of the perception (unfortunately encouraged by many parents of color in the town) that all whites are automatically racist.

   From junior high through college the majority of my dating relationships were with men of color, and I was rather surprised to find myself married to a white man after college. But my committment to leading an open, diverse lifestyle and teaching my children to base their judgements of other on their moral fiber and character has not changed simply because my children are white.

   I would say that my biggest fear as a white who is striving to eliminate the bits of racism I’m sure I still harbor somewhere, is that people of color who do not know me will automatically assume that I am a classic, closeted racist. This fear drives me to go out of my way to be visibly anti-racist. Sometimes I think that’s good, and sometimes I think it’s reactionary.

   For me, it boils down to my promise to myself to denounce racism when I see it – even when it comes from the mouth of a friend or colleague – and to pass on my love of diversity to my children.

   Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 2:54 pm ¶

9. Nicole wrote:

   Thank you. I will send the photo in. I have not felt unwelcome here and have made some comments, but I do appreciate you comments. Funny I was reading on another blog (http://badgermama.blogspot.com/2006/12/good-lessons-in-fighting-racism-in.html, who would be an excellent contributor in my opinion) about using the word white, so reading the “White Anti-Racist” link above really threw me, to put it mildly.

   Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 2:57 pm ¶

10. Jenna wrote:

    Did you write this for me, Dawn.

    I haven’t joined in because in the fallout of the Associated Press article, it was stated by some nimwit that I placed the Munchkin because of her color. I found this shocking as it was the first time I’ve been accused of such nonsense and if the reader had known me at ALL they would have known how ludicrious that statement truly is. But it was my first time being called a racist and it sucked.

    All that said, we try to bring some diversity into our home with the books we read. I don’t know if you saw my review of Jamie Lee Curtis’s book “Is There Really a Human Race” on the family blog. We also have the “We’re Different, We’re the Same” book by the Sesame Street gang. I also don’t hesitate to borrow books from the library that feature children of color. Nicholas will be raised with a biracial sister who lives in another household. So we have some issues facing us that maybe other families don’t have… but we’re ready to meet them head on.

    anyway, i’m rambling over here…

    Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 3:28 pm ¶

11. Ally wrote:

    I’ll ditto Nicole’s comment about being hesitant to send a photo in, and I’m embarrased to admit I haven’t even commented here before. I think there are several reasons. My husband and I are committed to raising our white child in our fairly segregated city with as much exposure to other races as cultures as possible. But I am hyper-aware of my own racist knee-jerk reactions and sometimes feel I have no business taking part in this discussion. Sometimes I get so tangled up in the appropriate language – African-American? Black? Native/American Indian? White? Caucasian? – that I figure I’ll just keep my mouth shut. Plus there’s the thing I learned in women’s studies classes about people that are actually affected by racism (sexism in that case) needing a safe place to talk without intrusion from those with the power to do the discriminating.

    Both of those are just a coward’s response to a topic I feel strongly about and I’m glad Dawn wrote this in a way that not only made me comfortable responding but made it impossible for me to ignore.

    Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 3:39 pm ¶

12. Dawn wrote:

    Ally, you really echo my own thoughts sometimes and it’s one reason I linked to Kim’s article — to confront those fears head on.

    I have to remind myself that *choosing* to deal with racism is in itself a privilege. You know, that I can choose NOT to be uncomfortable by not participating but still claim anti-racism in the guise of being sensitive. (”Not that *I’ve* ever done that!” Dawn types, lying to herself and her keyboard.)

    And Jenna, I am freakin’ flabbergasted that someone put that on your daughter’s adoption. Jeez m’kneez!!!!

    Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 4:13 pm ¶

13. Emily wrote:

    Thank you for posting on this subject, I honestly have been too chicken shit to comment before. As a white mother of a white child I am always afraid to put my thoughts into writing on subjects written about here. I guess I was afraid of good intentions being interpreted the wrong way. Thanks to this post, I know I should just get over it and get in the conversation. As for the photos, I have a cute kid I would be happy to contribute gratuitously. Sincerely, thank you for this post.

    Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 5:03 pm ¶

14. Ana wrote:

    I’ll never know what I would have done, whether I would consider myself anti-racist, if I hadn’t become a transracial-adoptive mom. But I think if I didn’t have some desire to advocate for children of color I wouldn’t have taken that leap.

    I think that desire came largely from a pretty anti-racist upbringing created by my caucasian parents. It was sort of an old-fashioned anti-racist upbringing, granted — I was taught that race doesn’t matter and that we are all the same on the inside. As I’ve become more educated I’ve learned that while the latter is true in some ways the former is not. Still, I am grateful for the intention of my parents and the openness that their ideas gave me to people of other ethnicities and cultures. I think in that way they were effective anti-racist parents, themselves — pretty good considering it was 30 years ago. Imagine what greater good we can do with our children now!

    Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 5:50 pm ¶

15. Makeesha wrote:

    I think that as a white parent of white children, no matter how dead-set I am on being anti-racist and raising anti-racist kids…I still feel like an “outsider” and often think “what on earth could I contribute”. I mean, is there really anything that wouldn’t sound completely trite coming from a white woman raised in white upper middle class america surrounded by other white people who lives in a predominantly white community?

    Justified or not, that’s how I feel even in real life talking to my black and latino friends .

    Having said that, I think my kids are frighteningly cute and would love to share them

    Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 5:51 pm ¶

16. Margaret wrote:

    My husband and I are “white”, but our daughter is Chinese. Our future children will, in all likelihood, not be of our same racial background. I don’t think I would have found this blog otherwise and I don’t think I would have been as committed to fighting racism otherwise. Racism would have been on the back burner, so to speak.

    I think there are plenty of white parents of white children out there who are committed to fighting racism and I think it will take time for them to show up here. Maybe they fear being attacked or not fitting in…not sure.

    Let me say this also. I find the statement “white anti-racist is an oxymoron” deeply offensive. Look at history…that statement is blatantly untrue. There have been and continue to be white people who fight against racism and who even gave their lives fighting racism. Also, I’m troubled again by blanket statements. Folks gotta realize that although they may not walk in white skin or may not know a lot of white people personally, that we are quite a diverse bunch.

    Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 7:48 pm ¶

17. atlasien wrote:

    Hmm… I read that Kil Ja Kim piece. It has pieces of truth in it, but I have to say it sounded more like a primal scream than a real argument. Telling white people all they can do is “act like John Brown” in this day and age doesn’t sound terribly pragmatic. It also leaves zero room for multiracial part-white people. What on earth are we supposed to do, speak out of one corner of our mouths and keep the other one shut?

    I think there are tons of practical anti-racist things white parents of white kids can do. Challenge racism in other white people. Push for multicultural education. Support various civil rights campaigns. Volunteer for things like ESL classes for immigrants. Be the token white person, if welcomed in that role: sad but true, sometimes the general public doesn’t pay attention to campaigns unless a white person is involved.

    Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 8:36 pm ¶

18. Kim wrote:

    Julia: people of color who do not know me will automatically assume that I am a classic, closeted racist.

    I don’t know how to tell you, convincingly, that there are many who will not, except to say, there are many who will not.

    I will say that many may harbor the fear that you will “become White” in front of them, and take the convenient moment to disrespect or betray them, and that they will still interact with you with an open heart, though somewhat cautiously.

    I have found it pointless to try and figure out what others may think of me, and don’t suspect that they see me as ‘other’ at all, unless they cock their heads back on their necks while talking to me (brother-in-law), or end their statements to me with some sort of slang or ‘Sistah’ confirmation to display their ‘comfort’ with me (neighbor who walked past me everyday without any acknowledgement until she was stuck in supermarket line next to me).

    When others -Black, like me (couldn’t resist that one!) seek to deride or playfully mock me for such openness, I always think I hear a bit of their own frustration.

    Much like with integrating interstate bus travel, and then municipal, and then school systems and business offices, people who have no meaningful long-term, constant contact with each other can only change their understanding of the other, demystify, by changing their behaviors. Then they can change their minds(wake up and out of the blue, their looking forward to catching the 8:05, and talking to Mary or Leola, or Sarah – you get it).

    Be who you are, and people will feel that. And respond accordingly.

    (No t-shirt or photo required, except, of course that we’re all voyeurs here!

    Posted 08 Jan 2007 at 11:31 pm ¶

19. May wrote:

    I’m not white, and I believe that white people are key to effectively addressing and finding solutions to racism. To those that think they don’t have anything to contribute, you do.

    While working in a middle school, I heard about a strategy for addressing bullying. Instead of targeting the bully or the bullied, it involved changing the attitudes students had towards bullying. Basically, it targeted the bystanders, and the idea was to create an environment that was not tolerant of bullying.

    I believe the same concept applies to addressing racism. People of color can’t do this by themselves. We need allies. We need white people who are going to care enough to join us in interrupting racist comments and actions and making it clear that racism is not just an issue that’s being raised by yet another person of color – it’s an issue that’s being raised by everyone, including white people on behalf of people of color.

    This site is for “parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook.” If you’re a white parent of white children, I applaud and thank you for being a part of this site. Do contribute as an ally, and please pass this along to your children because my children will need them as an ally as well.

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 1:57 am ¶

20. Courtney wrote:

    I’m glad you asked this Dawn, because I guess I’ve been assuming that ARP has been deliberately only showing pictures of non-white kids. I’m glad to know that’s not the case!

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 3:06 am ¶

21. Lilian wrote:

    This is post totally resonates with me, Dawn, thanks for opening such a great discussion. Even though I didn’t have time to read all the other comments, I really like the conversations that have been going on.

    As for myself, I have a clear advantage over other white parents with white kids — you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at us, but I am from another country (Brazil). That alone helped immensely in the development of the friendship and understanding I have experience with my African-American friends. One such friend told me that I could understand her feelings about racism better than a white American friend we had in common because I knew what it was to be “different.” I had a different perspective on life because I was from another country.

    While this doesn’t mean that I don’t have that deep down “hidden level of racism” that you talked about, I felt very happy that I could communicate with her better. The “communication lines” were much more open between us than between her and her other white friends, and for that I felt thankful. I learned a lot from her.

    I have actually considered sending photos of my kids to the site, but I thought of photos of them with close friends of color, not just them, you know… I definitely want to raise my sons to be anti-racist and it saddens me when members of our extended family (all are Brazilian) make racist remark. I want them to be very sensitive to these issues.

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 2:27 pm ¶

22. Carmen Van Kerckhove wrote:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, everyone. I’m really enjoying this discussion. And let me reiterate once again that we welcome ALL gratuitous cute kid pics. So please, send them along!

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 3:02 pm ¶

23. Dawn wrote:

    atlasien, Kil Ja Kim’s piece reminded me a lot of my feelings about being a feminist and dealing with “pro-feminist” men. There was definitely a time in my political life when I didn’t feel like anyone with a penis had a part in the women’s movement. I did NOT want the oppressor coming around and offering me his “help” and I didn’t trust pro-feminist men who spent a lot of time claiming pro-feminism. (My feeling weren’t helped by the various pro-feminist men whose condescension made it clear they weren’t willing to face up to their privilege. They were all talk, no do.)

    Ultimately, finding feminist role models who welcomed men in the movement and were willing to help me see the way the patriarchy hurts men as well as women gave me the ability to be less angry and more open to working with men (and eventually to fall in love with my particular favorite man and mother a future man).

    Because that was part of my experience as a feminist, I am humbled by essays like Kim’s. I think that the reality of being a white anti-racist means that I accept that I’m not always welcome and instead find places where I AM welcome. I think Carmen has created a very welcoming place here (and on her other blogs) without watering down her message and I’m excited to see such great discussions happening because of her work!!

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 3:24 pm ¶

24. Stephanie wrote:

    I discovered this site pretty recently and hadn’t really given any thought to sending pics of my kids in. Yes, we’re a white family, but like many I rarely share pics of my children online. I have to say though, love the pic from last November of Alex as Dorothy for Halloween. That’s who my daughter dressed up as too, and her favorite movie. Might just have to send that in.

    The high school I went to gave me something of an unusual experience. I went to a magnet school, one of many non-black children bused into a primarily black school. However, as the program required testing to get into, the local kids and the nonlocals didn’t get mixed much.

    I don’t think it was so much an issue of race as it was of background. Take kids from a disadvantaged situation and mix them up with kids who have been tested for academic excellence and there are going to be differences. There would have been similar differences if it had been at just about any other school.

    Was the school set up the right way? Perhaps not. It certainly didn’t do as well as one might hope at race issues. It was almost more designed to show the “poor black kids” the some of the best of the students from other areas and then give those students advantages the “poor black kids” didn’t get because they didn’t test into it.

    The school has changed since then. First they tried mixing everyone in together which didn’t work because the local kids simply lacked the academic background. Very few students will succeed if they’re thrown into classes for which they have no background. That flopped, and the school went from one of the best in the county to one of the worst. “Oops!”

    Now it’s a charter school and I hope they get it right this time.

    The whole point of that is that so often in trying to get things right and “anti-racist” good intentions go bad. The solution isn’t going to come easy and the only thing I can say for it is that it’s better than not trying at all.

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 4:07 pm ¶

25. Janine wrote:

    i’m a mixed blood with an yet-more mixed daughter, and i heart this site.

    in specific response to the quoted passage by mr. jensen, i wanted to offer a perspective that makes sense to me, but is often met with vehement resistance when i articulate it: in a white supremacist culture, white people are inherently racist, just as in a patriarchal culture, men are inherently sexist, and so on with regard to different aspects of oppression.

    under systems of oppression, those privileged by those systems are inculcated from go by the larger social context of the oppressive system with problematic understandings that even the most open and progressive parenting cannot completely combat. acknowledging that, accepting it, and moving forward in light of it is the first step in transforming both self and system, imho.

    to my mind, acknowledging that would be key to easing the fear mr. jensen speaks of and release all that energy to be used to do the Work of anti-racism and anti-sexism, et cetera.

    sometimes this analogy helps. my father was an alcoholic. he didn’t get sober until he stopped trying to deny that he had a problem. once he had done that, he was able to use the energy he’d been pooring into denial and get better. like alcoholism, racism and sexism are diseases, and the first step in treating them in ourselves and our society is naming them.

    i inherited a dictionary from my grandmother that was published in the 50s. the word sexism does not appear in that dictionary. see what i’m getting at here?

    if we’re going to make any real headway in transforming the white supremacist patriarchy we live in into the more just world we’d rather live in, we have to do it together. female empowerment is grand, but sexism won’t end until men stop being sexist. therefore, anti-sexist men are key to ending the oppressions of patriarchal culture. along the same lines, anti-racist white folks are key to ending the oppressions of white supremacy.

    we need each other, and i think we’re best served by acknowledging that and coming to each other as honestly as we’re able, even in spite of our fears.

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 4:12 pm ¶

26. marka wrote:

    Here is my excuse – and it just the excuse – I hate feeling like the bad guy. I (at 30!) am just learning the language of anti-racism and practicing (and frequently failing ) to put them to use. I.e. Staring at ones dinner plate is alot less effective than leaving when dinner conversation among elder family members turns racist.

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 5:16 pm ¶

27. Margie wrote:

    “How can we white parents effectively join the anti-racism movement? ”

    Talk less, listen more.

    We must be prepared to relinquish the power we’ve traditionally held, to step aside and let those who have experienced our society’s inequalities guide its recovery.

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 6:41 pm ¶

28. Leisa wrote:

    I posted this on my blog but I thought I should also find my voice here…

    Well that is us, we fit that category. There is a post today with that title at Anti Racist Parent have a read here

    I have been thinking about my own racism and racial identity for the last couple of years. I am embarrassed I haven’t been thinking about it longer. I suppose I fell into that group of people who think it doesn’t apply to them because we are not racist. Am I? I hope I am not but how often in my life have I been tested.

    I know I have felt the pain of being different and I haven’t thought about this for many years but it is amazing what writing a life story for an adoption application can do to long forgotten pain. In primary school my friends would call me burnt coco pop. My skin is very olive and in the summer I go very dark. Now I would laugh along but inside I didn’t want them to talk about the colour of my skin and I didn’t like feeling different. People ask me “where are you from?” I know they don’t mean what suburb do you live in. These are infrequent incidents and they are not a patch on what our future kids will experience.

    My greatest worry now is how to deal with subtle racism. I am not afraid of the white supremacist’s and their vile words. I will be able to shield by children from that for quite a few years and I think I will be able to teach our kids that these people are so afraid of difference that they have no idea (am I deluding myself?)

    I am more concerned with the words that will be spoken by people in our community, both friends and strangers. The man I heard telling a “n…ger” joke at a party we went to recently and I didn’t say anything. I was shocked that in my little part of Australia people acutally use that word! The relation who was so happy that “they” could actually get work and keep a job. It isn’t just comments made about someones race it is anything that is different.

    I am reading “Different and Wonderful, Raising black children in a race-conscious society” . They say “If your child is having difficulties, although the problem might have nothing to do with racism, you have to consider it as a possible factor. The same would be true if the child was gifted, handicapped, or even significantly shorter or taller that his classmates. If your child is different from others in any readily apparent way, it would be unreasonable not to take that difference into account.”

    Our eldest son is very small for his age and he has been at the centre of some pretty unkind attention from adults who should know better. His kindy teacher pointing out that his little brother was taller than him…The butcher telling him he looked like he should be in grade one not grade four…his soccer coach standing him and his younger brother up in front of the whole U9 side and asking him why his little brother was taller and when would he grow!!!! I said something to all of those people but there have been many times when I haven’t been able to have a quiet word out of his earshot. At those times we have walked away and I have said to him something like, how strange that person was not to realise he was the big brother it is obvious to all of us.

    Is my preference for little black babies reverse racism? I don’t know that either. It will take me a lot more time before I have gone through all the issues in my mind. So in the meantime I read and talk to people and try to wade through my thoughts.

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 9:34 pm ¶

29. Sarah wrote:

    What a great post Dawn–drawing us lurkers out of the closet. I am a white parent raising white children. I have thought a lot about race and child-rearing and politics and society, but don’t consider myself wise, at best thoughtful and trying to listen.

    I went through a large urban school district for my K-12. As much as it was integrated, it was also segragated in many ways–I spent time as the white minority in the room, and also saw white privilege at work. My local metro area is quite segregated and as a grown-up, even living in one of the few integrated neighborhoods, I find myself unsure how to give my kids the chances to become anti-racist through experience, not lectures. I find myself unsure how to even start this conversation.

    This site has already been thought-provoking. Thank you for pushing me to join the conversation.

    Posted 09 Jan 2007 at 11:51 pm ¶

30. Kaydee wrote:

    Here’s one all-white family. We don’t post photos–or much else–but we do read and think and learn and try to do better and be better.

    Posted 10 Jan 2007 at 2:19 am ¶

31. Julia wrote:

    I’m the white parent of white kids and I’m also committed to raising antiracist kids, although I admit that I’m still learning how to take ordinary day to day situations and weave them into lessons about tolerance and acceptance. I’ve been lurking here but not participating, but still knowing that I have a part in the anitrasict movement. Lurking isn’t enough and this post reminded me of that. Thank you.

    After being raised in a close family with mixed cousins (they had white and black grandparents who married in the 1920s) in the North I think that I got insulated. I was in for a shock when I moved to the south when I was 14.

    Now, married to a southern man who was raised by racists, who is not racist but clearly has to fight the internal upbringing from his youth we are an interesting lot of a family and I drive our family’s antirascit dialouge. When we moved three years ago it was important for us to find a school that represented diversity – races and cultures.

    I was talking with a friend who is raising her kids in a very priviledge white upbringing. We had a long discussion about how her kids are in their classrooms with all white kids. The only way her kids are meeting, interacting with minorities is in a charity relationship. That’s not a true picture! Aren’t you afraid about that? I say. I asked her if that was responsible – to only show that side. We discussed how she can open the circle for her kids and it will only happen if they leave their bubble. It was a good reminder not to lay dormant on what I believe even if you think people will be uncomfortable.

    I have some cute kids…and I’ll send their picture in one day!

    Posted 12 Jan 2007 at 9:03 am ¶

32. Kim wrote:

    Oh, Ladies.

    This is great. Welcome all.

    Tell your friends, the ones you’ve kept close, and those who look at you like you may have left the cap off the ammonia a little too long.

    Dawn, you get a blue ribbon.

    Posted 12 Jan 2007 at 9:08 pm ¶

33. LM wrote:

    Interesting post and comments… I”ve only been able to breeze through, not read too carefully… but a quick thought on reluctance by many white people, not only in this context, to proclaim themselves anti-racist:

    It seems self-serving (and hey, it often is, right?) and often provokes questioning along these lines — “What’s your motivation to be down?”

    For better and worse, a lot of discussion around race and identity issues involve staking a claim of some sort, which doesn’t always engender the sort of environment that people in which people speak up. Offering an inviting yet challenging environment is a strength of this site, and for that matter, this particular post.

    Posted 13 Jan 2007 at 12:36 am ¶

34. B wrote:

    This discussion is very interesting–thanks to all.

    Julia #8, thank you for your sincere post. I do have one critique, however. Please consider eliminating the term “reverse racism” from your vocabulary. The term is problematic because it assumes that one form of racism is “right” or, if not that, that one form is more customary or expected or normal. Racism towards black people is racism. Racism towards white people is racism. There are different historic and social sources of different types of racism, but that doesn’t mean that one form is more appropriate than any other.

    Posted 13 Jan 2007 at 3:01 am ¶

35. chanie wrote:

    another white parent of white children delurking to say that i’m trying to learn and listen, and would love more specific advice and discussion about how to raise our kids in a tolerant and open way.

    Posted 14 Jan 2007 at 4:46 am ¶

36. Lyonside wrote:

    Chanie: Let us know more about the situations your kids are in: any race issues they’ve faced, pos and neg? (andyeah, they could be victims of racism from peers too, just acknowleging that), what type of school are they in diversity-wise (if school age), wjat you your concerns?

    Heck, this is turning into its own post – if you have anything specific bugging you or the family, can you email Carmen? We’ve done “Ask a Question” posts before and I always find them a great way to get other POVs.

    Posted 14 Jan 2007 at 9:24 am ¶

37. Kim wrote:

    Chanie and all:

    I read a book a while back ( The Failures of Integration) which I found to be a great source of information on the ideas one might want to consider in seeking to have an “intentional [life]” , where race, class and diversity issues come to play. One discussion in the book had about five white women, all pulled together by the author, sitting together to discuss the challenges to their convictions to diversity that they faced when it was time to enroll their children in school (pre-, and then the all important high-).

    I was so moved, and called myself to question, in that when one considers all the ways of diversifying community, and having the discussions that keep one’s committment to such a world in the forefront of one’s actions so that one is living in sync with one’s ideals, one must ask (as I do) how can I live where I live? why are my friends all [fit in whatever you wish here]? why is it a drive to get to a place where I interact with [ again, whatever/whomever you want], etc.

    I will pull the book out again, I’m sure, but have used the pin-prick lessons as a starting place for viewing the ways in which we seek to blend the world into one, and the ways in which we are successful or not, and for having the willingness to examine what the blocks were.

    I also read a funny as hell book by a woman from England trying to get her child into the select middle school, for which exams must be taken, and the ways in which the challenges to her own assumptions about her ideals and values hit the wall against the reality of what she is willing to do to place her child on the road to a most assuredly better life due to her (impending) enrollment in the “better” schools. I will find the title and post it.

    It will help you to breathe and not face it all as an uphill battle, and, being the Indulgent Class American mother-type that we are all so slanderously portrayed to be in this era, may reflect upon some of the conversations or concerns you have in your own life (the testing hit a spot with me). Be prepared to howl, seriously.

    Posted 14 Jan 2007 at 4:04 pm ¶

38. Kim wrote:

    The book’s title:

    May Contain Nuts,
    by John O’Farrell

    Posted 14 Jan 2007 at 4:08 pm ¶

39. Susan Raffo wrote:

    Greetings, all:

    Thank you for asking this question, although I admit that I was a little surprised by it. I am a white lesbian partnered to a white Brazilian lesbian and we are raising a white daughter. The way we talk about it in our family is less about raising a white antiracist child and more about raising a white binational child with middle class privilege who is working daily to confront and understand and whenever possible erode white privilege.

    I always believe there is great danger in white folks working to articulate what racism is and what anti-racism needs to be. What we do have to struggle to do, I believe, is articulate how deeply we benefit from white privilege and white supremacy – and not just intellectually articulate this but be active in our work, love, political, social worlds in pointing out how minute by minute white privilege props us up.

    My partner and I are pulling together a group of folks in the town where we live to talk about raising children with privilege – not all of the parents or children are white and one of the things we are trying to do is to get at deeper understandings about the specifics of privilege – how us white folks benefits, how some of the folks of color in our group with class or light skinned privilege benefit – and where our privileges touch and where they are miles apart. In particular, there are some white folks who have adopted children of color and one of the things we’re going to talk about a lot is what happens when the parents have privilege that their children won’t inherit – white privilege. As a group we’ve observed how often transracial families with white parents talk about the racism the children will experience rather than the white privilege the parents gain from.

    For white folks to focus on race and racism WITHOUT focusing on white privilege and white supremacy and our collusion with it is, to me, to fall into traps of being “the good white person” or doing a very complex underbelly good leftie kind of charity work. It is too easy to be the good white person and therefore, even when we’re saying something different, to end up feeling on our deep insides that we’re not the problem.

    Susan

    Posted 15 Jan 2007 at 4:47 pm ¶

40. pacific wrote:

    Wow, Susan Raffo, awesome post! I am new to this website, but have been listening to Addicted to Race for some time.

    I am a white parent of a white child, and though I do a lot of learning about racism and privilege on my own (unfortunately privately and in isolation mostly), I am not sure HOW to be an anti-racist parent. I cringe when anti-racist parent advice hovers around children being exposed to “diversity” or playing with “multicultural toys.” That just glosses over the surface and doesn’t begin to touch on the core issues. Yes, it’s good for our children to interact with lots of people that look different from them, but so what? What does that have to do with being an anti-racist parent? I couldn’t agree more with you about exposing and working to dismantle white privilege. But I guess I’m not sure how. My child is so young now (little over a year)… I wish I could join your privilege discussion group Anyways, I guess I just wanted to be honest about not knowing quite how to do this as a parent of a toddler.

    Posted 16 Jan 2007 at 1:30 am ¶

41. Lyonside wrote:

    >Yes, it’s good for our children to interact with lots of people that look different from them, but so what? What does that have to do with being an anti-racist parent? {snip} I guess I just wanted to be honest about not knowing quite how to do this as a parent of a toddler.

    Pacific: at that age, that’s EXACTLY what being an ARP can be about. In other words, kids can hear til their parents are blue in the face and hoarse that “all people are equal.” But if the only people they see who are different than they are are doing bad things on TV, or they only interact with peers who are in a subservient or otherwise negative role, etc. then it means nothing.

    I grew up w/ suburban upper middle class white kids who knew better than to use a racial epithet (that was “bad” and would get you in trouble of course). But the only ethnic minorities they saw in their day to day life were cleaning their bathrooms and clipping their hedges… or were “infiltrating” from the city and causing crime. They weren’t out-and-out racists (for the most part), but race meant nothing to them other than something “other people” dealt with.

    Posted 16 Jan 2007 at 11:08 am ¶

42. Jim R wrote:

    I am also a white parent. I have one blonde haired blue eyed bio kid and one black haired black eyed adopted kid. Opposites in almost every way, but princesses both.

    At an early age, I realized that race is an issue. I was lucky to be born of a wealthy surgeon. One of his hallmarks was studying the effects of neighborhood on health. It was a dramatic study that started showing how kids in poor parts of the city were more susceptible to certain kinds of cancers. He was not necessarily anti-racist, but he certainly taught me a lot about injustice.

    As I raise my kids, I am in the position of trying hard to teach one about white privilege, while trying to help the other cope with being a racial and ethnic minority.

    I also believe it is imperative that parents from all walks challenge the status quo when it comes to racism. However, I know I can truly only change me. I can teach my children, but ultimately, all I can do for them is hope they learn. I can challenge when I hear racists comments, but I most likely will not be able to change the other person’s thoughts or feelings. I do not have all the best language of an antiracist parent, but I am trying.

    Posted 16 Jan 2007 at 3:50 pm ¶

43. pacific wrote:

    Lyonside, thanks. I try to bring my child to toddler activities at the library and in community centers so that he does play with (if it can be called that at this age) all kinds of children. I do live in a very racially segregated city, though. And I’m really noticing that in a more pronounced way now.

    Posted 16 Jan 2007 at 7:48 pm ¶

44. henry wrote:

    I am white, my kid and husband are white, I just started reading this blog. That said, I live in this town where pretty much everyone is white (90 or more, oddly) and the only kids my son knows who aren’t white are adopted by white families. I used to live in a city, in a predominantly asian american area with a smattering of other races, and it is weird to me to be so surrounded by white people. I love everything about where I live except the whitewash.
    I don’t know how to raise my son to be anti-racist in practice since he has so little exposure to races other than white. It’s great to talk about it, read a few books, but I need to do so much more than that. I don’t want to move, but I hate it that when he sees chinese people he points to his mouth and says “spicy” since, at two year old, the only chinese people he sees on a regular basis are at our favorite restraunt.
    I haven’t been reading this blog long, but I think I might not post much because I am white, I don’t have any obviously non-white family members and I don’t think I am doing a great job of combatting racism or teaching my kid about other races. At our baby group I brought up the everyone is all white unless they are adopted thing and everyone was like “oh well” and “we had a black mom here once” . So I need to learn more than I have something to offer.
    I have a white son who I don’t want to grow up totally ignorant and nervous or arrogant or rascist.

    Posted 19 Jan 2007 at 2:14 am ¶

45. Kim wrote:

    henry,

    start by differentiating between people and food. seriously.

    Start with small things, as your child is seeing things in a small way that will be extrapolated to have larger meaning and value, and in such an isolated context.

    I would actually talk to my child, starting with the way to greet people, and the fine points of pointing. Greet the people you meet with simple salutations unrelated to their work in the food service industry, start with “hello, how are you this evening/day?”

    Your child will take cues from you, and can easily be redirected right now.

    Others find it uncomfortable (and feel free to tell me how out of place or discomfiting you would find it) when I respond to their child, upon hearing their child express a fantastic shock at how “weird” my hair is (I wear a nappy afro). Parents “shoosh” their children so often, and smack that finger away, ushering forth a silence that I do not feel has addressed the child’s curiosity, or anxiety.

    I have never had a child run away from me when I bent down to talk about how my hair is different from theirs, or what I call my hair. It is simply one person to another, and it is a time of connection and sharing. I always think that helps to dispel the mystery that gets built up between people, and it helps others, afraid that their child has offended me, to relax.

    Posted 19 Jan 2007 at 3:39 am ¶

46. Lyonside wrote:

    Henry: I think you’re being too hard on yourself – at least you’re AWARE and want to do something about the “whitewashed” environment you find yourself As your son gets older, I would keep looking for those opportunities, maybe something like a sport group or summer camp that is on, say, a county-wide level (more chance of diversity). As a kid, my school was 98% white, and my most diverse peer experiences were in public recreation department and YMCA summer camps.

    Kim: I agree – the terminology we teach our kids is what they’ll pick up, and they need to see good examples modeled.

    I’ve also seen/experienced parents shushing children or explaining something race or otherwise related in hushed tones (say, a veil or a turban) – and it sends the message that something “bad” might happen if they continue to ask … (after all, they only get shushed when they say something “wrong,” right?) which for a small child, can translate into making that PERSON a threat. If a parents is matter-of-fact about physical differences, clothing, whatever, that shows a level of comfort with the idea, which kids pick up on immediately.

    I wonder, though, if a kid is asking, “how does your hair feel,” if the parents might not be horribly embarassed because deep down, they’re wondering the same thing!

    Posted 19 Jan 2007 at 12:07 pm ¶

47. Meera wrote:

    Henry – Bravo to you for wanting to raise your son with respect for others, despite our differences. Please don’t shy away from the blog because you live in an area that’s homogeneous. That’s the reason many of us are here in the first place. Where do you live? I might be that “black mom” the playgroup moms were talking about! LOL

    Welcome, Henry, and everyone other parent who isn’t drinking the Kool Aid. Let’s keep talking!

    Posted 19 Jan 2007 at 4:06 pm ¶

48. squirrel wrote:

    I am a white parent of a white child. I was just turned onto this site yesterday, by a friend. This is pretty much the first post I’ve read here, and perhaps it was meant to be.
    I have many female friends are not white. I love all of them so much and it pains me to see it when one of my friends has been the victim of racism and she feels that she cannot share it with me because I will not understand. When one of them does feel like sharing, I know that many details are left out to make room for all of the extra explanation that is required for my white ears.
    As for my friends that are white, it pains me when one of them makes a racist comment, whether or not it would have been made in the presence of a non-white person. I am not always sure how to respond to these comments. Anger only exaccerbates the situation, and silence just keeps the status quo…or sends the message that I condone the behavior.
    I’d like to learn how to be more approachable and understanding for my friends, and also come up with strategies for combatting racist speech in a constructive way. I believe that the best way to raise my son is to set a good example…hopefully I can slowly chisle through my own racist thought, speech and action so that I can support my son in this.

    Posted 19 Jan 2007 at 6:09 pm ¶

49. Kim wrote:

    Lyonside-

    just today I was in a store and an older woman (maybe 73) and I got into a conversation about the usefullness of stored fat for bears during the hibernation state.

    I’m feeling a little down today, a little bloated, and expressed my desire to just get under the blankets for a while and rest.

    She took this as an opportunity to reach out and touch my hair, making the analogy of ‘well, try it, you’re can’t have that hair for nothing!’

    After half a moment’s shock, we both smiled, and I told her I found that interesting (it was…kinda).

    I’m losing it…I didn’t need to say the woman was White, did I? She was. I definitely think that was her moment of exploration, where her curiosity got the best of her, and I’m not recommending that for most people…never know what the reaction might be.

    Henry:

    I forgot to say welcome. Welcome.

    Posted 19 Jan 2007 at 9:19 pm ¶

50. Lyonside wrote:

    Kim: I’m missing something with the hair comment, but yeah, that sounds like a very interesting conversation… But yeah, I think if you hadn’t started off talking about bears, you’d have been justified in slapping her septegenarian hand away from your head

    Posted 19 Jan 2007 at 11:05 pm ¶

51. Ariah Fine wrote:

    I’ll be one soon!

    Posted 22 Jan 2007 at 1:24 am ¶

52. Kim wrote:

    “…wonder, though, if a kid is asking, “how does your hair feel,” if the parents might not be horribly embarassed because deep down, they’re wondering the same thing! ”

    My comment went to a moment where the older woman sought to satisfy a (presumption on my part) life-long curiousity about Black hair (ha!), afros, etc.

    Ariah:

    Then you’ll stay with us and contribute, yes?

    Posted 22 Jan 2007 at 4:39 am ¶

53. Lyonside wrote:

    Kim: OK, I got that, but I just wanted to know how the woman related that to bear hibernation – or to you wanting to hibernate under blankets – either way, that’s one heck of a segway

    Posted 22 Jan 2007 at 10:42 am ¶

54. Susan Raffo wrote:

    As a total aside, if folks are interested in continuing this conversation, a woman named Tereza has also started another blog called http://www.whiteloveisntenough.blogspot.com with the intent of clearly articulating this as a space where white parents particularly with white kids can write about and hope to strategize and feel through racism, white privilege and our kids. The reason I like the idea of a separate but public space is that us white folks can do the shit work we have to do and say the ignorant things we’ll say and folks of color can choose if they want to check out the discussion or not. Come check it out, comment, let’s learn and make mistakes and make change together!

    Posted 26 Jan 2007 at 3:41 pm ¶

55. Daniel wrote:

    Interesting post and some great responses everyone! I’ve been quiet here on the blog for a while but I’ve been listening. I’ve always been anti-racist despite what Kil Ja Kim thinks, and I’ve always been “white.” Sadly, the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” type of thinking has gotten much more popular in recent years. All each of us can do is our best. I definitely go out of my way to embrace and help a.nybody and everybody, regardless of race, sex or religion. If somebody wants to hate me or resent me for the way that I look, there is nothing I can do about it and I feel only sadness. I am always amazed by folks who claim to hate racism and yet set limits on what certain people can do based on their race. I completely understand bitterness and anger, but it never solves anything. I have three children, one from my first wife who happens to be black and two from my second wife who happens to be Puerto Rican. You can see me and all of them on my blog at myfoxny.com. Just click on the Blogs tab and look for my ID, Sanctus. Peace

    Daniel

    Posted 08 Feb 2007 at 1:03 pm ¶

56. Decker wrote:

    I’m white. My parents are white. And I am more comfortable with people that aren’t white. Because in my own opinion and experiances, people who are not white are more interesting and are usually not mama’s boys or whatever. That is definately racist so I’m sorry for that but I’m the kind of person that tells the truth. I don’t sugar coat shit. real talk.
    Also, I think that your heratige and race should be looked up to and celebrated not hidden and pushed into conformaty in a sorry attempt to make everyone equal. Everyone is already equal. I’m proud of being white. There are ups and downs to it as there are to all races. This is the truth as I believe it. I do not want you or anyone else to believe or think anything you don’t want to just consider what I have written. Thank you.
    -Decker

    Posted 18 Mar 2007 at 2:52 am ¶

57. Malcolm wrote:

    Whites are racist and enjoy the benefits of whiteness!

    Posted 02 Jul 2009 at 11:09 pm ¶

58. Lyonside wrote:

    Malcolm – ALL OF US are a little bit racist, even if we don’t act on it and don’t even consciously think in a racist way. We live in a racist society. To quote Melissa on Shakesville, “We’re soaking in it.”

    Many white westerners (Americans, Canadians, Western Europeans, etc.), out of ignorance (the classical sense meaning “lack of knowlege”), or out of wanting to think of themselves as OK (which most people are)), do not see or are unaware of their white privilage. That in itself does not make them racist.

    Your comment, however, IS racist, by pegging all racism on white people and basically ignoring the point of the thread: antiracist parents are of all ethnicities, and shouldn’t be afraid to work for equality despite not seeming to have a horse in the race. Pun intended.

    Posted 05 Jul 2009 at 9:37 am ¶

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