by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Dawn Friedman
I was looking at the archives of the gratuitous cute kid pics, (which really are pretty darn cute) and I was wondering where are the cute kids from white families? From looking at the gratuitous cute kid tag, you’d think the prerequisite of being anti-racist is having a non-white family member. Every single group of kids comes from a family of color (by which I mean a family that has at least one member of color).
I know that there are white parents of white kids who read this blog and I’d like to hear from you. What’s stopping white parents of white kids from publicly claiming their anti-racism here?
Now I understand that there are lots of reasons people don’t choose to share pics of their kids on the internet – the gratuitous cute kids pics are a pretty small sample of this blog’s audience. But I’m still curious – where are all the white kids who don’t have family members of color?
I ask myself this, too. Would I have joined this blog if Madison hadn’t become a part of our family through transracial adoption? I considered myself an anti-racist parent before but would I have felt comfortable claiming that label on an anti-racist blog? And if not, what would have stopped me? Thinking on this brought me to this quote, which (to be perfectly honest because there’s no point in having a deep discussion about racism if we’re not going to be honest) echoes my feelings more than I like to admit:
A final fear has probably always haunted white people but has become more powerful since the society has formally rejected overt racism: The fear of being seen, and seen-through, by non-white people. Virtually every white person I know, including white people fighting for racial justice and including myself, carries some level of racism in our minds and hearts and bodies. In our heads, we can pretend to eliminate it, but most of us know it is there. And because we are all supposed to be appropriately anti-racist, we carry that lingering racism with a new kind of fear: What if non-white people look at us and can see it? What if they can see through us? What if they can look past our anti-racist vocabulary and sense that we still don’t really know how to treat them as equals? What if they know about us what we don’t dare know about ourselves? What if they can see what we can’t even voice?
from The Fears of White People by Robert Jensen
I want to open this to discussion: How can we white parents effectively join the anti-racism movement? How can we sensitively work our activism? What are our barriers and how can we overcome them? Is Kil Ja Kim correct when she writes thatThe White Anti-Racist is an Oxymoron?
To me, our fears feel like that classic elephant in the room so let’s talk about it. I’m really interested in what you all have to say.
Dawn Friedman is a writer and mother to two children. Her articles have appeared in Salon.com, Yoga Journal, Brain Child and the Greater Good and she is the op-ed editor at Literary Mama. She is also the founder of OpenAdoptionSupport.com and since the adoption of her daughter in 2004 has become passionate about the need for adoption reform. She blogs at this woman’s work.
I am a white parent of a white child. I was just turned onto this site yesterday, by a friend. This is pretty much the first post I’ve read here, and perhaps it was meant to be.
I have many female friends are not white. I love all of them so much and it pains me to see it when one of my friends has been the victim of racism and she feels that she cannot share it with me because I will not understand. When one of them does feel like sharing, I know that many details are left out to make room for all of the extra explanation that is required for my white ears.
As for my friends that are white, it pains me when one of them makes a racist comment, whether or not it would have been made in the presence of a non-white person. I am not always sure how to respond to these comments. Anger only exaccerbates the situation, and silence just keeps the status quo…or sends the message that I condone the behavior.
I’d like to learn how to be more approachable and understanding for my friends, and also come up with strategies for combatting racist speech in a constructive way. I believe that the best way to raise my son is to set a good example…hopefully I can slowly chisle through my own racist thought, speech and action so that I can support my son in this.
Lyonside-
just today I was in a store and an older woman (maybe 73) and I got into a conversation about the usefullness of stored fat for bears during the hibernation state.
I’m feeling a little down today, a little bloated, and expressed my desire to just get under the blankets for a while and rest.
She took this as an opportunity to reach out and touch my hair, making the analogy of ‘well, try it, you’re can’t have that hair for nothing!’
After half a moment’s shock, we both smiled, and I told her I found that interesting (it was…kinda).
I’m losing it…I didn’t need to say the woman was White, did I? She was. I definitely think that was her moment of exploration, where her curiosity got the best of her, and I’m not recommending that for most people…never know what the reaction might be.
Henry:
I forgot to say welcome. Welcome.
Kim: I’m missing something with the hair comment, but yeah, that sounds like a very interesting conversation… But yeah, I think if you hadn’t started off talking about bears, you’d have been justified in slapping her septegenarian hand away from your head
I’ll be one soon!
“…wonder, though, if a kid is asking, “how does your hair feel,” if the parents might not be horribly embarassed because deep down, they’re wondering the same thing! ”
My comment went to a moment where the older woman sought to satisfy a (presumption on my part) life-long curiousity about Black hair (ha!), afros, etc.
Ariah:
Then you’ll stay with us and contribute, yes?
Kim: OK, I got that, but I just wanted to know how the woman related that to bear hibernation – or to you wanting to hibernate under blankets – either way, that’s one heck of a segway
As a total aside, if folks are interested in continuing this conversation, a woman named Tereza has also started another blog called http://www.whiteloveisntenough.blogspot.com with the intent of clearly articulating this as a space where white parents particularly with white kids can write about and hope to strategize and feel through racism, white privilege and our kids. The reason I like the idea of a separate but public space is that us white folks can do the shit work we have to do and say the ignorant things we’ll say and folks of color can choose if they want to check out the discussion or not. Come check it out, comment, let’s learn and make mistakes and make change together!
Interesting post and some great responses everyone! I’ve been quiet here on the blog for a while but I’ve been listening. I’ve always been anti-racist despite what Kil Ja Kim thinks, and I’ve always been “white.” Sadly, the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” type of thinking has gotten much more popular in recent years. All each of us can do is our best. I definitely go out of my way to embrace and help a.nybody and everybody, regardless of race, sex or religion. If somebody wants to hate me or resent me for the way that I look, there is nothing I can do about it and I feel only sadness. I am always amazed by folks who claim to hate racism and yet set limits on what certain people can do based on their race. I completely understand bitterness and anger, but it never solves anything. I have three children, one from my first wife who happens to be black and two from my second wife who happens to be Puerto Rican. You can see me and all of them on my blog at myfoxny.com. Just click on the Blogs tab and look for my ID, Sanctus. Peace
Daniel
I’m white. My parents are white. And I am more comfortable with people that aren’t white. Because in my own opinion and experiances, people who are not white are more interesting and are usually not mama’s boys or whatever. That is definately racist so I’m sorry for that but I’m the kind of person that tells the truth. I don’t sugar coat shit. real talk.
Also, I think that your heratige and race should be looked up to and celebrated not hidden and pushed into conformaty in a sorry attempt to make everyone equal. Everyone is already equal. I’m proud of being white. There are ups and downs to it as there are to all races. This is the truth as I believe it. I do not want you or anyone else to believe or think anything you don’t want to just consider what I have written. Thank you.
-Decker
Whites are racist and enjoy the benefits of whiteness!
Malcolm – ALL OF US are a little bit racist, even if we don’t act on it and don’t even consciously think in a racist way. We live in a racist society. To quote Melissa on Shakesville, “We’re soaking in it.”
Many white westerners (Americans, Canadians, Western Europeans, etc.), out of ignorance (the classical sense meaning “lack of knowlege”), or out of wanting to think of themselves as OK (which most people are)), do not see or are unaware of their white privilage. That in itself does not make them racist.
Your comment, however, IS racist, by pegging all racism on white people and basically ignoring the point of the thread: antiracist parents are of all ethnicities, and shouldn’t be afraid to work for equality despite not seeming to have a horse in the race. Pun intended.