Hair and now
by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Meera Bowman Johnson
A week before my five-year-old daughter’s dance recital, her instructor, Miss Debbie, pulled me aside.
“We’re asking that all the girls wear their hair in a bun.”
I looked at Jasmin’s golden-brown mane that was pulled neatly into a single puff on the top of her head. Each perfectly spiraled strand was infused with the genetic code of women who came before my child, myself and every other black woman in our family tree. These weren’t the girl next door’s curls. “A bun?”
The fitter-than-thou fifty-something in a black leotard, tights and pink leg warmers looked me squarely in the face. “Yes.”
“I’m not sure if it will do that.” I knew I sounded kind of strange, sitting there talking about my daughter’s hair as if it had a life of it’s own. But it did.
“Try.” Miss Debbie gave Jasmin a once-over before standing up to sashay down the hallway. I had no idea the woman was even half as narrow-minded as she had just revealed. I could have sworn I saw her do a pirouette before she went back into the classroom.
It wasn’t the first time I’d had this type of discussion about the “proper” way a female of color should be coiffed for something. In high school, the captains of my cheerleading squad insisted that we all wore french braids. Never mind the needs of Tiffany Williams, who wore her hair in intricately designed cornrows, or Mia Kim who wore her jet-black hair in a chin length bob. I hated the idea that this incident was the first in a series that would drill a negative idea into Jasmin’s psyche that something about her “ethnic” hair is problematic. And I didn’t appreciate Miss Debbie for initiating the conversation.
Later that evening, I called to my mother for a second opinion. She calmly reassured me that yes, Jasmin’s hair might be sort of “kinky”, but I could surely get it into a bun if I wanted to badly enough. I just had to get Jasmin to sit still long enough so that I could blow dry it straight and then flat iron it with searing heat so it would be straight enough to twist into a bun (easier said than done). It wasn’t exactly what I’d wanted to hear. You’d think I never made my mom want to fling the comb at the ceiling in frustration (on countless occasions) as I ripped myself from her grasp – mid-braid, mind you – and ran to the bathroom complaining of “chest pains”. I wasn’t about to send her grandbaby on Miss Debbie’s stage looking like the African American understudy of Little Orphan Annie, but the bun wasn’t happening. Less because it couldn’t than because, at that point, I was pissed.
Just like Jasmin’s curls defy convention, the person they grow from does, too. Unlike myself, who once longed to have have hair as long and silky as Dreamgirl Christie’s, Jasmin adores her kinky curls. She sees them as part of her beauty, not the bane of her existence. Even on the day she went to nursery school au naturale, unrestricted by the usual braids, headbands or barrettes, she faced her curious classmate’s criticism with confidence and common sense: “My hair is pretty! I like it just the way it is.” Currently, she’s campaigning to get me to stop blow drying and flat ironing my own hair because she feels I look “much prettier” when I just leave it alone. I’m not about to take beauty advice from a person whose personal style icon is Strawberry Shortcake, but I like the way she thinks.
I wasn’t so sure that my forcing Jasmin to let me straighten and “tame” her hair for a two-minute dance routine to “A Bushel and a Peck” wouldn’t send her a mixed message that something was wrong with her. Whether she grew up to wear regal dreadlocks or highlighted extensions a la Tyra Banks didn’t matter; a grown woman is free to change her hair as often as she pleases. What mattered to me most was that from an early age, my young daughter began loving herself for who she is, not the person society says she should become. From where I stood then, she was headed in the right direction.
The activist mom who sat on my left shoulder nudged me:
“Go on girl, make Miss Debbie eat those words. How dare she hold your child to the outdated, platonic ideal of what a dancer is supposed to look like?”
But her counterpart, cynical mom, shouted from the other:
“What are you going to do, hold a sit-in at the dress rehearsal?”
Then realist mom (the one who makes most of the decisions anyway) chimed in:
“Of course not silly, it’s just hair.”
That night, after the kids were in bed, I put Miss Debbie’s red, white and blue Hee-Haw meets French Maid confection of a recital costume into a plastic bag and shoved it into a corner at the top of my closet. Maybe if Jasmin didn’t notice her costume was missing, she might not remember the performance. That way, if I woke up on the morning of the big day with butterflies in my stomach, and decided to take her to the Bronx Zoo instead, no tears would be shed – by either one of us.
Meera Bowman Johnson is a freelance writer and full time mom who is also the former Associate Art Director of Essence Magazine. Her work has been featured in HealthQuest: The Publication of Black Wellness, Code: The Style Magazine for Men of Color, Black Issues Book Review, Mommy Too! Magazine and Honey. She lives with her husband, Mat Johnson, and their three children in Annandale-on-Hudson, New York. Her online alter ego, Mrs. J, blogs about race, pop-culture and parenting.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
CScarlet wrote:
That is just so ridiculous to me- when I was Jasmin’s age I was in a dance class and all our teacher required of us during performance was that it be out of our faces. Which was good, because I had very short hair. Couldn’t Jasmin’s hair just be pulled back and up- it wouldn’t be drastically different from a bun. It would be as close to bunlike as is comfortable without the considerable hair gymnastics you mentioned. I can’t believe that teacher.
Miss Debbie needs to take a hike. “Try,” indeed.
Posted 26 Jan 2007 at 10:51 am ¶
Jae Ran wrote:
Great post! Good for J for knowing what she wants.
Posted 26 Jan 2007 at 12:14 pm ¶
Kim wrote:
I am honestly going to have to Google bun, because if it is the chignon that all dancers wear at some point, then I’ll have something to say that may make sense.
But , until the next couple of minutes can be gotten through, I just want to say:
Meera, email me! afroceltclan/yahooo.
Posted 26 Jan 2007 at 12:44 pm ¶
Kim wrote:
Alright. Bun = chignon.
I don’t do buns, either.
George C. Wolfe, The Colored Museum,
Character: Afro-Wig:
“The kink of my hair is like the kink
of my heart-
And neither one of us is about to be
hot-pressed into surrender!”
Seriously. I’ll meet you at the Bronx Zoo, I’ll bring balloons.
Okay, the mechanics:
First: how about a curly, wavy, puff-bun at the lower neck? Properly meet the general location of the gathered hair, and wave a curly noodle at Cruella all at the same time.
Second: gather the hair in a thick pony at the rear (if it’s long enough), pin a few loose limbs on the side with decorated hairpins, tie in ponytail. Take about four to seven groupings of the rotini noodle and twist into …twists. Hope the ends stay in place.
Gather all the individual twists and twirls and twist them counter-clockwise about each other and secure with one final thin beige/camel colored stretchy scrunchy. Instant bun.
Finally: wipe all the tears from her face, and kiss her tender cheeks. Have Mr. J standing by to hold Mommy.
Posted 26 Jan 2007 at 12:58 pm ¶
SF Mom wrote:
Lord, I dread the day this happens at my daughter’s ballet class. Good for you for refusing. My daughter has abundant, thick, beautiful, natural hair with a very tight curl. Blowdrying it takes me hours! So we just keep it in thin braids and put the braids into a ponytail for class. But I see the older girls, of all ethnicities, with their hair in chignon-things even for CLASS, so I know the day will come when some Miss so and so tells me the same. My daughter loves this ballet school but I sure could leave it!
Thanks for sharing your story. Now, can you tell us what you decided on recital day?
BTW I love reading Mrs. J posts.
Posted 26 Jan 2007 at 1:29 pm ¶
Kim wrote:
SF Mom:
I went on a school trip with my seven year old yesterday, and one of the little girls asked if when I touch my hair, does it hurt?
*sigh*
I told her no, but leaned in to tell her a secret, which I let all the little girls hear: if you came near me with a comb, and sought to comb from root to tip, that would just about kill me.
So, who does the braiding? ‘Cuz a comb has got to be used in that process. How could the blowdrying take more effort?
(Just a question, ’cause I’m sure your little girl and I could talk…no barbs at you).
Posted 26 Jan 2007 at 1:44 pm ¶
mtevc wrote:
I have the same hair myself…and so do my daughters, and I make sure every day to remind them that they are perfect and beautiful as they are…as much as people have told me to straighten my younger daughter’s hair, I have continued to ignore it…she is always beautiful, well-kept, and her hair is shining and bouncing…but it is a mass of tiny wild curls…and that’s fine…if you straighten a little girl’s hair over and over again, and at a young age, the message you are sending is that she isn’t beautiful as she is…the process takes forever, and i can’t imagine why women subject their kids to it…plus, there is beginning to be cutting edge research that the chemicals may just have something to do with the early onset of menses…and a variety of other hormone disruptor problems…and i don’t care what anyone argues…it does send the wrong message…when she gets older, and she can fathom thru all this hair and beauty crap, she can do whatever she wants to her own hair…until then, i want her to know she is beautiful as she is…
Posted 26 Jan 2007 at 5:14 pm ¶
SF Mom wrote:
Hi Kim,
I do the braiding and combing. I must just be bad at blowdrying! ; )
Posted 26 Jan 2007 at 5:24 pm ¶
Nina wrote:
Great piece Meera. Made me think about what I would do if faced with such a predicament. Is skipping the recital letting Miss Debbie have her way (no bun, no performance). Is protesting the hairstyle requirement politicizing what should be your daughter’s innocent ballerina debut? “It’s just hair” some might argue. But hair among peole of color, is a political issue. So many issues raised by this piece. Again, thank you and like SF Mom, dying to know what you did on recital day.
Posted 26 Jan 2007 at 6:04 pm ¶
Julia wrote:
I, too, am dying to know what happened.
I was so pleased to hear of her inherent self-love and great attitude that I literally smiled and chuckled out loud when I read your description.
My daughter’s hair is incredibly curly, even though she’s anglo. People make the strangest comments to me, like the lady at the market who insisted, “I had hair just exactly like that as a child. She’s gonna hate it when she grows up.”
I felt like telling her and her personal image issues to take a hike. I hope my daughter grows up to be as content with her body – all of it – as yours already is.
Posted 27 Jan 2007 at 12:12 am ¶
Yvette wrote:
Great post–Thank you so much for sharing this. Your daughter sounds like my 6.5 year olds in terms of their love for their natural hair. I so hope all little girls can love the hair they’ve got.
Posted 27 Jan 2007 at 11:08 am ¶
Mom2One wrote:
Oh my. I don’t see why “pulled back off of their faces” wouldn’t work just as well. I say “good for your daughter” for liking her hair just as it is.
I’d be interested as well to see what happened with the hair issue.
And we wonder why females grow up with poor images of themselves. Hmmmm . . . .
Posted 27 Jan 2007 at 3:44 pm ¶
OmegaMom wrote:
Ah, yes, the dreaded ballet bun. My daughter’s hair is the opposite–long, shiny, silky and slippery as hell. I can put it in a bun, and by the end of dance class, it has slithered out here and there.
If you decide to go, buy a chignon/bun cover, do her hair in one pony tail, roll it around the elastic band and stuff it all into the chignon cover.
(Chignon/bun covers for dancers: http://www.22dance.com/hair.htm , or eBay at http://search.ebay.com/bun-cover_W0QQfnuZ1QQfsooZ1QQfsopZ3QQxpufuZx . You can get them in “invisible” or all fancied up.)
Miss Debbie shouldn’t have left it at confrontation stage–she should have given you ideas and options. Pbbbt at Miss Debbie for turning it into a problem, rather than helping with a solution.
Posted 27 Jan 2007 at 4:13 pm ¶
KWiz wrote:
This post is so timely. With the upcoming 2008 presidential campaign and its current focus on race, I am finding the need to address it myself in a sort of different way. As a young Black girl, I dealt with many insecurities about being Black, but mostly, those insecurities arose because I was rejected by my peers. I don’t want my daughter (who will be 3 in May) not to know how to deal with these issues. In fact, I will be hashing out these issues on my own blog in the upcoming weeks, so I will make sure I tune in with you. I’m so glad I found you!
Posted 27 Jan 2007 at 4:25 pm ¶
Stephanie wrote:
I love that your daughter loves her hair so much! I like to bun cover idea the OmegaMom mentioned as a way to cope if you do go… although I’d still be tempted to talk to that teacher.
Mine does too, but being white the only problem we have is with Grandma constantly campaigning for short hair cuts and insisting that her hair should always be pulled back. My daughter says she doesn’t look like herself with her hair pulled back.
Different kinds of hair can be interesting. My daughter saw a black woman a while back with her hair all in beautiful braids. My daughter’s comment? “Look, mom, she has yarn for hair!”
Tried to explain they were braids, but my daughter insisted. Sweet, innocent, yet soooo embarrassing!
Posted 27 Jan 2007 at 4:46 pm ¶
Yolanda wrote:
First of all I find it so incredibly wonderful that she loves her hair just the way it is. I spent so much of my life finding fault in my hair(i.e. hating it along with the rest of my appearance) that part of my going natural was realizing that if I ever was blessed with a daughter I would never subject her to grow up with the same negative hair baggage.
Secondly- why not cornrows that meet in the back in a bun? I think its ridiculous to have hair requirements of a 5 year old but I’d find a nonheat solution instead of forcing her to endure a flatiron/hotcomb (oh how I hated my hotcomb sessions as a young child).
Posted 28 Jan 2007 at 12:45 am ¶
Sasha wrote:
I thought the idea of our children performing a “Bushel and a Peck” after several weeks of dance classes in an over crowded and steamy auditorium was detestable…but what is way more disturbing is the ignorance of that teacher. Maybe if her bun hadn’t been so tightly wound itself she could have clearly recognized the differences of the children in the class and would not have requested that everyone look the same. I’m interested in joining an adult dance class and see if she would really want to put me in a leotard and tights on performance day so that we could all look the same…point is, we shouldn’t tell our curly haired beauties that they must wear a bun to be a ballerina. Love and thanks to you Meera.
Posted 28 Jan 2007 at 11:48 am ¶
Lori wrote:
Interesting. Something similar happened in Memphis in 2005. A columnist (Wendi Thomas) for the city’s daily paper, The Commercial Appeal, brought it to the community’s attention.
In that case, a 7 year old (Destini Berry) with shoulder length locks actually managed to secure her hair into the required “bun.” Still, upon seeing it, the dance director declared it unacceptable and barred the child from participating in her class’s first ballet recital. According to the director, “Classical ballet dancers do not have locks.”
It just goes to show you, there’s always something about us that somehow just isn’t good enough. Once upon a time it was our bodies . . we weren’t made for classical dance or so we were told. . . now it’s our hair.
Fortunately, in Destini’s case, the community’s outrage helped change/sway the director’s opinion. It was also brought to the director’s attention that she might possibly be in violation of state and federal guidelines that prohibit race-based discrimination by a nonprofit organization.
In the end, Destini was able to keep her locks and perform with her class. According to the African American columnist who brought the story to the community’s attention, the lesson learned should be “Black and white people are alike, and we are different. Acknowledge the similarities and celebrate the differences. Don’t crush them.”
Posted 29 Jan 2007 at 9:11 am ¶
Deesha wrote:
What a HAIR-raising tale (!) and a great read…
Posted 29 Jan 2007 at 2:28 pm ¶
Sombra wrote:
As a young mixed afro-cherokee-white girl my hair was so long that black kids called it good hair even though later I found out it was too curly to qualify, but my blond straight haired mother loved my hair and learned at least fifty different braids and buns and fluffed it out like Shaka-kan for special occasions. I learned that my hair was mine and in the world where people threw bricks at me and called my mom the n-word, I didn’t always feel like sharing it. I know the world is changing and we are changing, brave enough to voice our highest aspirations of ignorant people and hold them to it, but I also think conditioner on wet hair in the shower is amazing. I just comb it there, and fix it how ever I wish when I get out (or not). But it’s combed and knot-free. There are many shine products now (without alcohol try Chrome) that help to smooth it down so I can put it in a bun or chignon. I often leave some fluffy wisps at the front, cuz I’m not trying to hide my hair, sometimes though I try not to outshine the bride.
For the record, Miss Debbie sounds out of step with the new millenium. Perhaps she would benefit from a conversation about how homogeneity (white, male) ideals have impinged on universal human rights in so many historical contexts, and why feminists among others reject these ideals, philosophically and practically EVERYDAY. (What are you going to do, when your daughter starts getting the Serena treatment in ballet?)
Posted 13 Feb 2007 at 12:19 pm ¶
Kim wrote:
I wouldn’t even reach for Serena…remember the young ice-skater from the isle of Seychelles, raised in France by trans-racial adoptive parents…Surya Bonali ( I love saying her name)?
She went through extreme international level osctracism in her professional career, not only for her unorthodox (read highly athletic and, therefore, intimidating in its presentation) inclusions of jumps and flips in her routines, but merely for the tone of the judges toward her…physical appearance, her muscular definition.
Whole world understood she was phenomenal, but she couldn’t crack the glass-slipper ceiling.
It’s young women like Jasmin, with the backbone God gave them and the support of her mini-Gods (mom and dad) who go on to turn heads, change minds, redefine and start new things. (Thank goodness…my girls will need someone to talk to, and trade stories with).
Posted 13 Feb 2007 at 2:51 pm ¶
Takeisha Berry wrote:
Hi, I am the mother of then 7 year old Destini Berry. I am so sorry that your daughter had to go through the same discrimination my daughter did. I fought this battle to the the end and it did rule out in our favor. It is so sad that we as blacks still is somehow going through this, but throgh the grace of god we are more stronger than ever and we can set such presidence for our generation. I’m glad to see we still have the fire for freedom. Thanks
Takeisha Berry
Posted 15 Jul 2007 at 9:58 pm ¶
Dee wrote:
As a former dancer, I understand the discipline need to mold our bodies, including our hair. Attention to detail is everything. If you force the hair into submission, you will most likely be the individual that disciplines the rest of the body as well; and, this attitude colors the rest of your life.
My heritage is African American, French, Native American, and Scots-Irish. Oh the variety of faces in my family! But, the majority of us share one distinct feature, fast-growing, extremely thick hair with big loopy curls that do their own thing so often that some of us even give them their own name.
When I was a girl, I loved my hair. I gloried in it. But I regularly had it thinned and straightened. I learned to discipline myself. I learned to push myself when it would have been easier to quit. But, secretly told myself that I would let my daughters hair be the way it was intended to be.
At age twelve, my daughter announced that would no longer endure the long design sessions required to keep her from looking like “Cousin It with a perm.” Her grand three-foot mane was cut to her chin. I cried; she smiled ear to ear for a week. Over the years I have seen the same outlook she applied to her hair in other areas of her life. When enough is enough it’s time to walk away.
Now I have a beautiful grandbaby. Even at eight months, she is strong-willed. Where will she draw that line between perseverance and knowing when enough is enough? More importantly, how will we help her to find a balance between the two?
Posted 27 Nov 2007 at 3:34 pm ¶
Julia wrote:
Just want to mention that I have the straight, slippery hair problem with my two girls. I have just despaired when the various ballet teachers have told me firmly over the years that buns are required. Is this discrimination? It affects white girls too, if they have difficult hair like my daughters. (I find it wierd to call my daughters “white” since their skin is shades of olive/brown/tan (one daughter) and pink/peach (the other daughter) but I guess it’s similar to how people of color sometimes might feel at all being called “black”. As if one color could possibly be a shorthand for so many.) At any rate, once again, this year, I am arming myself with an arsenal of hair products to try to put enough texture on their hair that the buns won’t fall out before the end of class. this year I’m going to try mousse AND hair spray before starting, AND the big strong roller-pin bobby pins AND hair nets. Every week I’m supposed to subject my 7-year-old to this? (For her, buns are required for every class; not just recitals.) Arghhh.
Posted 04 Sep 2008 at 9:28 am ¶
sahira wrote:
i want to know how to grow my hairs & strong my hairs.iam indian from A.P. plz send reply
Posted 08 Mar 2009 at 9:40 am ¶
Alycia wrote:
OK, I know I am rediculously late, but…Maybe that funky dance instructor got just what she wanted. She probably didnt want her there anyway. You coulda just got her all dolled up with her usual lil puff at the top of her head and took her in anyway. Would she been so dumb and hurtful as to turn her away? I doubt it. That would be a lawsuit and public protest just waiting to happen.
Then again, she does sound dumb, so maybe she would have turned her away. that crap makes me so angry!
You go mom!
Posted 24 Jul 2009 at 9:59 pm ¶