by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Margie Perscheid
Whenever I see a white couple with an Asian or Hispanic child, I can’t help wondering whether adoption — like the personal ads — is one of the last areas of American life where naked expressions of racial preference are acceptable.
In Why Doesn’t White Adopt Black? , an op ed that ran in the Washington Post on December 24th, David Nicholson explored the racial dynamics of transracial and intercountry adoption. Although Nicholson’s question seems simple enough, getting my head around the answer was rather like trying to follow the surface of a Möbius strip, where you always end up on the other side of where you started.
In the article, Nicholson wonders if the preference of white parents to adopt Asian and Hispanic children rather than black children could be construed as racist behavior. Why, he asks, with so many African American children in need of permanent families, would prospective adoptive parents choose to adopt from other countries?
It’s a question that absolutely deserves consideration, but in my opinion there’s another he missed altogether: Is it acceptable for white parents to raise children of other races in the first place?
As the white adoptive parent of two Korean children, I can’t answer this question objectively. My adoption experience has been entirely positive – I have a close family and two confident children with strong Korean identities. But do my children feel as positive about their experience as they appear to? Or do they keep the negatives to themselves for fear of hurting my husband and me?
And what about their first mothers or fathers, how would they answer? Or adoptees who have experienced racism in their communities, their schools, and even in their families?
Critical mass and the internet have given adoptees and their first parents voice. There are so many forums, lists, and blogs sharing different transracial and intercountry adoptee points of view that adoptive parents really have no excuse anymore to plead ignorance of their points of view. And although communication with first parents is far less common, it is beginning – perhaps not online, but in other ways: at conferences, for example, and in film and print.
What many of them are saying is what we adoptive parents should have known all along: That being a part of our families doesn’t make them white. That they’ve experienced all kinds of racist attitudes and behaviors. And that being different from the rest of their families, the only one of their race in the place that’s supposed to be their haven, is hard.
This is what’s missing in David Nicholson’s article. For although he asks a question that makes perfect sense in the context of race relations in the U.S., it misses the point in the context of adoption.
So is it appropriate for white parents to raise children of other races? I don’t know, and honestly don’t believe I’m qualified to answer. But I do know that it’s time for adoptive parents like David Nicholson and me to stand aside and let the first parents and adoptees do the talking. They’re the experts.
What are your opinions on transracial and intercountry adoption? Do you think it should continue? Stop entirely? Be overhauled to better serve the needs of first parents and children? I’m interested in what you have to say.
Margie Perscheid is the adoptive mother of two Korean teens. She is a co-founder of Korean Focus, an organization for families with children from Korea with chapters across the country. Margie is on the Board of Directors of the Korean American Coalition DC Chapter, a former board member of KAAN, the Korean YMCA of Greater Washington (now KAYA), and ASIA (Adoption Service Information Agency). Margie writes about her intercountry adoption experiences at Third Mom. She, her husband Ralf, and their two children live in Alexandria, Virginia.
Paula, Thanks for sharing your perspective with us– especially us AP’s who really do want to listen and learn.
this is such a “black and white” question that really doesnt come with a one size fits all answer.In the world of adoption,many many issues come into play.To me it is the land of grays and people on all sides try to make it stark.
As a rule I am ANTI ADOPTION.I dont believe in giving other ppl’s babies to others.unfortuanately,there are real cases of child abuse,devestating poverty across our country and the world, and INFERTILITY at an all time high.
If an adoption must happen,the child’s identity should be preserved.No name changes,no sealed records and the complete and honest truth to the child as age appropriate.Every effort should be made to maintain contact with natural parents even if it has to be supervised,even if its photos and letters once a year.
As far as TRANSRACIAL adoptions,I believe that LOVE KNOWS NO COLOR.But white adopters however well meaning and however loving, can never teach or show another person of color, what it is to be WHO THEY ARE.Even with visits to the home country/culture,even with all the books videos and support groups.Once you raise a child into your own cultures,they can never get back WHO THEY ARE. Adoption is an unnatural state of being for all parties involved and even if placed with adoptive families of the same race and culture – it still goes against humanity.
If adoption needs to happen, then god bless the adopters who are doing it for the kids and doing it with LOVE AND TRUTH.
Anti-Adoption.
Great.
The first woman I met who held to that standard was an arrogant, complacent, non-thinking, materialistic middle-class mother of one who openly expressed to me , “mothers who cannot have their own children are not really women at all.”
We went back and forth with that for a while, and all she could offer was, “a female does not become a woman until she has a baby.” Ignorant.
We talked about biological predetermination, and reproductive functions determining value, and the antiquated aspects of those philosophies, and she would not budge. I found out later she did not understand my language.
My hoped-it-would-be-humbling retort during the insane conversation: Some people would say that women who can’t have babies vaginally, and without medical assistance, would ever really have a live child, so they are actually not supposed to be mothers at all – science helped them out where their own bodies were deficient. (The last six weeks of her pregnancy she’d spent laying in a hospital bed, constantly monitored, and the baby was taken by caesarian.)
She took issue with my statement; wonder why?
Kim: What you said, sister!
Erika: Against HUMANITY? Genocide, nuclear war, adoption? One of these things is not like the other… Adoption is FAR from being against “humanity,” since basically it has always existed inn some form by every human society.
Between high maternal (and paternal) mortality rates, extended family and kinship structures that would place babies and children with adults who may or may not have a biological tie, abandoned children being taken in, outright fosterage especially in times of need, etc., adoption has been a way to CONTINUE humanity, in various social frameworks. I’d consider that a positive, thanks.
Not to mention chaos caused by wars, diseases, famines, migrations (forced and otherwise), or the needs for more physical labor, and you have situations were adoption, regardless of name, was essential for keeping communities going.
Lest you think adoption is modern, think of all the foundling stories and myths in every culture. Folktales do not take their structural elements in rarely-seen events, they take their basic elements from the common everyday, and weave the fantastical/spiritual/miraculous elements into them.
Slight correction upon rereading: “Unnatural” to me meant “against humanity” – if that means something else to you, Erika, please enlighten me, since that’s not exactly your words.
But the rest of my post? I stand behind.
I am an adoptive mother, and I agree with Erika.
Taking children away from their mothers to
solve the problem of infertility is not a very
good solution. Finding homes for children who
are in need of a family is quite a different topic.
Erika, please know that I support you.
Kathy:
>Taking children away from their mothers to
solve the problem of infertility is not a very
good solution.
Is this actually happening ANYWHERE? (not talking about a surrogate motherhood situation – totally different concept). But are there actually adoptions in which a mother who would otherwise raise the child says, Oh, but I can help another woman who’s infertile? Or is adoption generally a “2 (or more) people with 2 different needs” situation?
Kathy…
would you mind expounding?
Lyonside…is there some Campbell rolling (swimming) around inside of you? I must start from there, and start tackling some of my kids’ big questions. Thanks for that.
What I think is that adoption has become a
huge industry focused on finding children
for infertile families. I think women in a
crisis are at risk of losing their children to
adoption to satisfy the demand. I know that
this is a sweeping statement and doesn’t
apply to all adoption and it doesn’t in any
way implicate adoptive families. I think
adoptive families for the most part are
interested in building families in an
ethical manner.
There is a lot of information on
“Exiled Mothers” that Erika links to.
I think in the case of international adoption
that there is so much money involved
and so many poor women who do not
have much power or control of their
life or that of their children combined
with the power of the relative wealth
of adoptive families that fuels this
enormous industry.
Kathy:
I missed any link (was that word to show parallel and agreement?) from Erika.
That which is offered up as considered option and choice for the desperate, ailing “first mother,” is indeed in the minds of many who express concern over creating a shift in the process of offering aid (not related to this thread). But, offering aid is not the basis of adoption, not aid to all parties concerned.
There are personal, selfish-without-intent-to cause-direct-harm-or-hardship, reasons for adoption (especially for the infertile couple), which may indeed reflect the global imbalance of access to resources and power that is true of the U.S. , and all her citizens, to other nations and peoples across the globe.
I wouldn’t think people are salivating to pull a child away from a parent with limited options, but, is that a consideration throughout the process? I think a few have spoken to it here, and elsewhere across the net, and children lingering in orphanages comes to mind.
I’ve wanted to ask, and this is slightly related, but I am not recalling as clearly as I want: Does anyone recall a POV (Point of View) production done about four or five years ago, (along the time that a guy named Phil, a biracial adult, raised by a White adoptive family, went looking for information on his first family) about a family (White), in Minnesota I believe, who decided to “adopt” a family, to share the raising and care of this child whose mother was just unable to do so, having no way to care for her other children and the new baby?
That show introduced something that my heart had me crying out about as I watched, before the solution for all was revealed, and was the only time I’d ever heard of adopting families in a hands-on AND extension of monies way.
Unethical adoptions unfortuanatlely occur domestically and abroad. I don’t think it’s a matter of a woman offering up her child to help an infertile party, it is usually along the lines of a crisis pregnancy and the woman exploring the adoption option.
The scales are tipped to the adopter’s side, in that once a woman chooses to consider adoption and starts exploring potential parents, it becomes very hard to change their mind.And there are thousands of cases where mothers changed their minds, but lost their babies anyway.The case of the teen mother in Ohio is a perfect example.The judge ordered the baby returned and the adoption agency is defying the order by not revealing the child’s whereabouts.So that attachment occurs over a period of time and then more likely be able to keep Baby Evelyn because of the attachment.
Because of the huge demand for babies, disadvantaged mothers are targeted, from television ads to internet sites and counselling centres set up to “help”.Poverty and lack of social support is a major reason why first mothers lose their babies.
I know unethical and fraudulent adoptions happen because it happened to me in 2001.
I asked for social support and instead was taken into court and threatened. Open adoption was the carrot used to get me to sign.without proper legal assistance or counselling, i was railroaded into giving my baby up. Suffice it to say, open adoption is another tactic to get mothers consent, and once recieved adopters often close the adoption.
In a perfect world there would be no need for adoptions. But that isnt the world we live in. I’ve seen first hand over and over, women coming to my website expressing great sadness and grief over the loss of their babies. It’s an industry plain and simple. We poor women have the product.
When I see the question is it okay for white ppl to adopt babies of other races and cultures, it is a major signal that the desire for babies has become insatiable.
Until you’ve experienced the loss of your baby, you can never really understand the terms in which i speak.
if adoption was so wonderful, why are there so many problems and issues with it? which one of your children would you like to give away?
what i went through was inhumane to me and to my children. it was unnatural and wrong on so many levels.
and even the women who actually made an informed “choice” did so with great burden and suffer a life long trauma and grief.
I am ANTI adoption because I was raised by an adoptee, who has major attachment issues. my family is now 3 generations of adopted children, and I have experienced the negative effects through out.
I am all for Guardianships, extended family care and kinship placements. I believe that if a child must be adopted, it should be done with the most amount of openness and truth.
I am not arrogant, middle class or prejudiced. I know alot of professionals who deal with adoptees and all the painful issues that adoptions bring.
I salute adoptive parents, the ones who truly are in it for the best interests of the child, rather then their need to become a parent.
What kind of a society first creates orphans and then promotes adoption? Why arent single mothers given more support? I live with the aftermath of adoption and so does my 10 yr old daughter who lost her younger sister. I also have to deal with a mother who cannot attach to her children. then theres the adoptive mother, an adoptee herself and pulled every dirty trick in the book(including befriending me and lieing about me) in order to gain my child.
maybe now you can understand where I’m coming from.
“Neither society nor the (adopter) who holds the child in
Her arms wants to confront the agony of the mother
From whose arms that same child was taken.”
(Margaret McDonald Lawrence)
Erika: I’m sorry for your painful personal history – this isn’t the story I hear from most adoptees (personally I only know domestic adoptees), and I don’t think it’s overwhelmingly common.. maybe it it.
However, there are adoptive situations in which the birth mother (parents – lets not forget the fathers too) are deceased, or incapable of raising a child (mental illness, drug abuse, neglectful parenting, all of which sometimes result in the termination of parental rights). So no, there is not always a grieving birth mother. And sometimes, the birth mother is actually OK with her decision. That’s not to trivialize your story, but there are other scenarios.
I still have a problem with the idea of saying that adoption is unnatural by its very existance. Is the US system, domestic and international, perfect? Nope – but tell me, what is?
Kim: Yeah, I was probably channeling Joseph Campbell – the dude got me through a Science and the Sacred course my freshman year, I owe him a huge debt.
Erika, thank you for your candor, as it does indeed allow us to better understand the perspective you hold.
“What kind of a society first creates orphans and then promotes adoption? Why arent single mothers given more support?”
I am completely in-line with this type of questioning, and find that, ultimately, a foster system , such as that run here in the States, finds ways to keep itself in business, and does this by expanding its parameters of power and the broad ranging definitions that such quasi-legal organizations (meaning, agencies invested with the force of law, even when cases are not adjudicated) use to lend legitimacy to their processes and determinations.
I am from a community that has felt preyed upon by state foster care agencies, and do not know anyone who would turn to such agencies for temporary rest, respite, or support. (There are initiatives in some states whereby stressed parents are encouraged to turn to “temporary” care providers, to de-escalate any rising tensions or simply to have a much needed breather from the solo parenting gig, who are then betrayed by “the system” and have to fight to wrestle their kids back from being wards of the state.)
I do know that life will throw curves at a family that can never be foreseen, and in the case of suddenly orphaned children, especially for the poor, such a system has been looked at , and indeed may have been created to act, as a social safetynet, taking in the kids, and finding home placements. In some instances, if the kids are shined upon by the Gods, they find a second, permanent home.
And, yes, even then there is great loss that travels with them.
I must acknowledge the haunting that I know you and your daughter are going through, and say I wish for you the patience and fortitude to keep tight your memories of, and your resolve to be reunited with , your adopted-out daughter one day. Life may open that door for you, and find she is looking for you, and then you’ll have that long road to travel, filled with its own ups and downs.
I agree with you that children will always need to be placed with loving families due to the reasons you stated. I wish I could say that what happened to me was an isolated incident, I know that it wasnt. There’s a few reasons why you might not hear about it. One is that women are only now beginning to come out of the darkness and tell our stories. Another is because we are poor and lack status our voices are generally not heard anyway.More and more natural parents are posting blogs, putting up websites and writing books. We’re trying to expose the industry for what it is and to educate others on the perils and horrors adoption can bring. We are almost never well recieved particularly by adopters and agencies, because we challenge the status quo. We challenge the myths and dehumanization of “birth” parents and we challenge ppl to examine their motives for adopting. I have said in previous comments that adoption should be reformed. It should be done with openness and I advocate to preserve families wherever possible.
If you are not familiar with the adoption healing literature, the Primal Wound is well documented.
The demand for babies has reached an all time high in human history. Never before has adoption thrived in a billion dollar business. I’ve been networking and researching for 5 years. I’ve met black market adoptees, birth parents who were lied to in “dead baby scams”, to adoptive parents who adopt babies in order to help them reconnect with their families. I’ve met just about everyone in the adoption world.
There are no fast and easy answers, but I will say for sure that for me, my daughter is being forced through an unnatural situation. She has to call someone Mom, who is not Mom. She knows this on a primal level. Unnatural to me, to live separated and deprived of her year after year. Unnatural to you, the adoptive parent, because you have to adjust, read up on other races and cultures, read up on attachment all the while (in some situations) not having resolved the real motives for adopting.
This issue is political and emotional, but if there’s an open discussion then thats progress.
Without seeking to continue to dominate this thread, I wanted to also say to you, Erika, that my family’s relationship to adoption is radically different from your own, and probably better termed “social aid” adoption than not, with only one infant being adopted, and the rest, nine cousins and one uncle, having entered at various stages in their development.
Every adoptee, even the cousin who was legally adopted and is now a first cousin as opposed to being a fifth cousin, has gone through the need for searching and establishing relationships with the “first family,” and many of those efforts have resulted in a sort of pain to my cousins that they have had to reconcile against the hardship and lack of care they might have been left to falter in, had they not been adopted.
No one is our family is thought of as a qualified-cousin (“adopted” cousin), though of course I use the terms here in this thread, and perhaps the general, seemingly easy absorption of them into the larger “us,” has seemed easy because I am not the adopted child, and because we were all raised together, with the adults never making any distinctions within earshot of any of us.
The point: every adoption experience truly is different, for both the child and the new family unit that the child essentially creates, though through the actions of the adoptive parents.
With all of the work, sweat, spilled pudding stains, time-outs, new shoes, and unexpected smiling-dimpled-cheeks that happen in a family, the families that put in great work, nurturing, and dig deeply into a natural wellspring of reason and instinct, (and support from other family members!) can make a family work. And it can be positive for many families, many adoptees.
The ideas and comments I’ve read in this thread have been very interesting to me.
I am a single adoptive mom (white) to my daughter (AA). I am also an adoptee. While I grew up in a same race family, sometimes I felt different, but that was just how it was for me–that was my normal. All the relatives on my mom’s side–many of the 43 cousins–look like each other, and though I could “pass” as a bio kid, and certainly more than my daughter would be able to, that really didn’t matter–I didn’t see any reason for pretending that I was a bio kid. I knew that I had big unanswered questions about my identity, but seriously didn’t know there was social stigma attached to being adopted until I began researching adoption as a prospective adoptive parent.
My sister (also adopted) and I thought that she and I had to wash the dishes and help do housework while our brother (the bio kid) did not because he was our parents’ bio kid–we didn’t know about patriarchy. I guess I’m trying to say that being adopted was normal for me, but it was not without pain and confusion.
I went through a prolonged identity crisis, much due to not knowing who or where I came from . I learned that to sort of c0-exist in two realities… I am a part of the family that raised me, but I also have a shared biology with others. I am, and I am not.
I met my birth mother when I was 37. I had many of my questions answered, and I don’t feel like ‘free agent’ out in the world like I used to since finding out who I look like and about my family of origin. I did not expect that after I met my birth mother I would feel more bonded to my adoptive mom–I understood at a deeper level that family is who you are raised by, and raised with.My birth family is delightful, and I feel proud and lucky to have found them. But my b-mom is not my mom, though she’s someone I love.
I have an open adoption with my daughter’s b-mom. It is important to me that there not be any secrets there, though the b-mom’s life situation has prevented us from having contact. But the door is open on this end– I want my daughter to have that connection and not have to wonder about some basic facts about herself that I believe she has a right to.
So, I feel that I will be able to share some of my experiences as an adoptee with my daughter, and look for some of the signs of some of the issues that I went through. I am not going to be able to be the person in her life who helps her learn how to deal with racial prejudice and stereotypes from first hand experience—I fully admit that I cannot raise my daughter on my own and provide for all of her needs–I have to rely on family and friends to help round out our family and her world. Even if she and I were of the same race I could not fill all her needs.
I was very hesitant to adopted transracially becuase I felt my limitations, and I questioned whether I could provide for my child’s needs in areas that were not my life experience. But I also felt a big commitment to my child to do whatever I could to help her to be strong in herself. I am confused about whether the town I live is in is where I will stay once my daughter is school-age as it’s pretty white. I get a variety of opinion from my AA friends–some move back to west coast cities, others say this is a great place to raise kids. But I don’t want my daughter to be a novelty in the classroom.
I don’t know that I addressed anything relevant to this thread. But just wanted to toss in my 2 cents too.
Brenda
MichelleL: “I strongly believe that even though my husband and I have never experienced racism personally…”
Brenda: “I am not going to be able to be the person in her life who helps her learn how to deal with racial prejudice and stereotypes from first hand experience…”
Kim: racism and racial prejudice do not happen in a vacuum, they do not merely happen “to” a group, but are systems and actions that are placed “upon,” or “done to” the group.
You know more than you can identify about the chain link fence we are all a part of.
Dawn (a guest writer to this site) speaks often about possessing this consciousness, and being vigilant about divesting from the assumptions, biases and unspoken bigotry that each of us, even in a socially privileged way absent ideas of race, is privy to, albeit quite often unconsciously, unconsciously.
In addition,racial prejudice can be as simple as being assumed to be the one in the group who has never experienced a hard time, who has always had her way paved (because one is White), and so being considered a “provisional” member until one “proves” one’s self. It can simply be people’s opinions of who you are, and how they respond to you, based on the eyeball test.
Alright. I am truly out. Will listen for days and days.
Dear Brenda,
Thanks for letting us “meet” you. I would do whatever you have to do, to make sure your little daughter is not the only African American in her class. My daughter, if she could post comments, would tell you chapter and verse why being the “only” is just too isolating, lonely and hard. I am sure you have access to books on transracial parenting that discuss this topic – but take it from me, it’s worth taking whatever steps you can now to identify the community and school that will help your child be strong in herself.
I do sympathize with Erika in that I do think that often adoptive parents support “charities” (through the huge costs of adoption) that support and profit from racism. I became pregnant as a teenager. I come from an affluent, white family. My parents strongly pressured me towards adoption, particularly through a “liberal” adoption agency that promised open adoptions: essentially it was a lot of empty promises – the literature focused on open adoption, but they neglected to mention that I had no way of insuring that the adoption would remain open (though giving my child up for adoption, of course, would be final), the adoption facilitator focused on how easy it would be to find someone who wanted a nice, white baby, while trying to convince me that it was impossible to afford a child by not providing information about aid programs (despite that they are legally obligated to do so) and by vastly inflating the cost of a child (by saying things like it would help me make my decision about whether I could keep this child by looking at the baby registry lists provided by babies r us and deciding if I could realistically afford that – which of course, I couldn’t). I didn’t end up giving my child up for adoption – and perhaps it is because of my privileged status of white and coming from an affluent family (even if nowadays I’m struggling on public aid)…but what I learned from this experience is that the literature assumes that birthmothers generally don’t give up their babies, because they don’t feel ready to become parents, but rather because the people around them try and convince them that they cannot be parents, that it is selfish and wrong of them to keep their children, etc…And I have a problem with any adoptive parent who isn’t looking at the literature given to birth mothers and trying to use agencies that aren’t coercive, who don’t support creating better social welfare programs, etc…
K.-
Alright, I hear you. I am familiar with women whose parents did the same thing, same path, same reasoning, same convictions.
This thread has turned dramatically from the topic originally posted, and I regret the loss of those voices, while being incredibly curious and sympathetic to, the (apparently) large number of voices that could tell the same story as yours.
Is there support for … other young women who are in the situation you were once in? Are there serious advocacy groups working for change in the way the decision making process and choice for keeping/raising versus adopting-out a young girl makes, and the recourse available to her?
What do you see as similar, or dissimilar, between the domestic issues that both you and Erika spoke to, and those that present in international adoption ?
The issues that affect adoption run parallel, domestically and internationally. I’ve heard alot of adoptive parents say they adopt overseas because they dont want to deal with birth parents. That they want to be the “only mother”. They also have an attitude that they’ve “saved” a child, because some of these countries are rife with poverty,violence etc.
Now begin to translate this domestically.North America does have similar issues,we deal with poverty, abuse, violence.We also deal with pregnancies that occur before a woman may be ready to parent.Adoption is offered as a “choice”,but increasingly it has become coercive.Because it is becoming more acceptable to single parent,the tactics have changed.But the mothers who cant afford lawyers,cant afford to ensure their own rights,are the ones that lose their children to adoption.
Adoption works on the premise that the mother is disadvantaged and without resources.Instead of providing resources we harvest the baby and discard the mother.
The same attitude of saving the child is used.
I believe that adoptive parents need to examine their motives for adopting and understand that adoption is an industry that profits from the hardships women endure.It’s universal.
As far as the original question posed here, I stand by my remarks, adopting from other cultures is a signal that the adoption pool domestically is becoming emptier,increasingly international adoption is booming.It’s wrong on so many levels.I wish adopters would consider adopting mother AND child since they care so much about children and have so much love to give.
As far as serious advocacy for the vulnerable groups of pregnant women, there are none.
A woman domestically, would usually get the 3 options. But adoption agencies have the corner market by far.The capitalize as the last commenter said, with videos and brochures,internet ads, that do not warn them about what adoption loss entails.And if they dont choose adoption, much of the supports and resources are taken away.
when we talk about black adoptions, that is a whole nother thread as is international adoption. These issues speak to the communities in which the babies are coming from.The Madonna adoption story is a good example of this controversy. Advocates were quick to tell the world, that investing in communities was a much better answer then adopting out children to foreign countries.Madonna stood behind her position saying the child would’ve had a terrible life of poverty had she not taken him, and made a 3 million dollar donation to help the village.I wonder how she plans to educate this child on his heritage and identity.
So both domestically and internationally,we need to address the issues plaguing the poor people of this world. We need to differentiate between real orphans, and created orphans. Children will always need good homes, and there will always be good parents willing to take them in.
The industry that earns the money, advocates in washington for more adoption, and goverments that dont support the weaker members is where I take serious issue.
As an adoptive parent, I am often being made to feel that I am a “second class” mother because I did not give birth to my children. It is frustrating to read the articles by “well meaning, well-informed” individuals who believe they know the reasons why I adopted…to save my child, to avoid the “chore” of having to deal with birthparents, to follow a trend and adopt internationally. Well meaning friends have even commented that the bonds I share with my children are not as strong or as meaningful as those that they share with their birthchildren. How painful do any of you think that that is to hear and to have to defend? How painful do you think it is for my childent to have to listen to ignorant and inconsiderate questions or comments from complete strangers every time we are out of the house? “Are they real sisters? How much did you pay for them?”
My daughters are beautiful human beings and are loved beyond words by my husband and I and our families. They are our daughters whether by birth or by adoption. We didn’t adopt them to save them, we adopted them because we wanted a family and because they were our daughters. We didn’t adopt them from China because we wanted to avoid birthparents but because we did not want to have to wait endless months or years to make our family complete. We didn’t care if our daughters were black, white, purple or green…they are our daughters period. I see them, not the colour of their skin or the shape of their eyes. We would have loved for our children to be able to grow up and know their birthparents but unfortunately that will never be and none of us had that choice to make.
We faced many obstacles in adoption in the United States and many doors did not open to us simply because we were white. I did not adopt internationally to be fashionable but because I wanted a family. Do I worry that I am not able to properly give my child a full sense of her cultural identity? Of course I do. Any good parent worries that they are not doing enough for their child.
Adoptive parents continue to face challenges and discrimination in the workforce and in society just as our children do, but thankfully because we are a family we and our children have support and love to help us through.
Any person who is capable of providing a loving, stable and secure home for a child should be able to do so. There would be a lot less unplanned and unfortunately unwanted children in the world if all parents had to “prove their worthiness” as we do.
Shouldn’t the question really be “Who is fit to be a parent?” rather than whether race or ethnicity should be an issue?
And lastly…next time you are in a store and you see a biracial or interracial family, please keep your questions or comments to yourself because it’s really none of your business. A smile is appreciated much more. Afterall, you’d be offended if I asked you how and when you conceived your children, wouldn’t you?
Shocked,
Shouldn’t the question be, “who is ‘fit’ to parent a child of color?”
I’m not saying that you can’t love your child as much as any child birthed to you, or that you can’t be sensitive to your child’s needs – maybe even sensitive to their racial and cultural needs, but as long as we’re talking about certain people being more “fit” than others to parent, I’m interested in knowing what special skills you have that makes you qualified to raise a Chinese American kid?
Just wondering.
And saying, “We didn’t care if our daughters were black, white, purple or green…they are our daughters period. I see them, not the colour of their skin or the shape of their eyes” is extremely offensive to me. Like there are purple and green children. Or maybe you could stretch it and love a polka dotted kid too, I know there are so many of those lingering and languishing in orphanages somewhere.
Jae Ran,
(this is my silence…)
(( )) (( )) those my clapped hands
[[(( ))]] this, my silent embrace of you
Thanks to Jae Ran for responding to “Shocked.”
Speaking as an adult transracial adoptee, I would also add that even if white adoptive parents “don’t care” what race their adopted children are, the transracially adopted child of color living in a highly racialized society does not have the privilege of being able to overlook his or her race. I think it’s incredibly unfair for the parent to place the onus on the child to reconcile his or her own racial identity, without offering the validation and support that is the parent’s job to facilitate in the first place. Insisting that race isn’t an issue serves to alienate transracially adopted kids and teaches them that their ethnic heritage is insignificant, or wrong to talk about, or somehow all in their own head.
I would find it refreshing to see more adoptive parents citing as one of the main motivations behind their transracial adoptions, “because I am equipped to support and nurture a child of X ethnic heritage for these reasons …” and focus on the child’s needs rather than the parent’s own pain and the parent’s own desire to have a child.
Finally, I find it interesting, Shocked, that you have compared the discrimination that you, as a white adoptive parent, face to the discrimination that your Chinese-American daughters face. I am curious as to how this discimination that you face as a white adoptive parent enables you to relate to your daughters’ experiences as people of Chinese descent. All discrminiation is not equal.
Sorry, but like Jae Ran said, purple and green people do not exist. And we aren’t talking about what “any good parent” would do. This is a discussion and a site for those interested in strategies for anti-racist parenting — not for arguing whether or not race is a valid issue.
This sentence had thrown me.
>many doors did not open to us simply because we were white.
As a white adoptive parent, I never experienced this. I have a Haitian son, and Believe me, I am fully aware that had he been adopted by a black family, many aspects of his life would be a lot easier. But ours was a different experience. We were asked by a friend to adopt him, as he has medical issues. He was 9 years old and very sick. At the time, there were no other options for him.
And I do see the color of my son’s skin… I am aware of it every minute, and if I weren’t I would have an awfully difficult time helping him grow up in a world where I know everyone else will be aware of the color of his skin.
Shocked, I do relate to the insensitive questions and stares you get. I think you worded your post poorly. But I also try to take every one of those stares and ignorant comments/questions and use it as a learning experience for myself. I imagine the comments and questions my son will be faced with his whole life, and know that he will be using me as his guide for how to react.
i think if you love the child who cares what race they are from
Ash: Short answer: because love just ain’t always enough, not when noone around you shares your appearance and heritage, and you are constantly reminded of that by every person you encounter.
Read more here: http://www.loveisntenough.com/2007/03/28/beyond-cuisine-and-traditional-dress-creating-true-cultural-connections-for-transracial-adoptees/
First…if you read Denise’s comment above yours, then you obviously just felt like spewing as contribution. Listen to what her stated reasons FOR THE CHILD are.
Second…substitute gender assignments, or even age assignments and see how fitting you think it to slather love without the attendant discriminate adjustments for the respective categories assigned: I think if you love the ‘girl’ who cares what ‘gender’ ‘she’ is …; I think if you love the ‘adult/baby/toddler/elderly’ who cares what ‘age’ the ‘adult/baby/toddler/elderly’ is….
While you certainly love who you love, how you love is determined by the relationship and its needs, and how well is the outcome determined by the quality of the relationship and its impact on both parties.
So Margie Perscheid is asking to hear from adult adoptees, the so-called experts on the controversy. I offer the following as a response from someone who respects the author’s work.
I am a transracial adoptee and one of the writers included in the new anthology on transracial adoption, OUTDSIDERS WITHIN, published by South End Press. (South End Press is a non-profit, worker-owned collective, so you can be assured that this is not a self-promoting plug done with the intent of securing royalties– we authors get none).
For readers who want to hear “how we turned out,” Outsiders Within is a wonderful resource about transracial adoption AND international adoption. What you will read in this book will not simply warm your heart. It may also make you shout, squirm, hit the roof in anger, or collapse in a puddle of tears. I certainly cried after reading one or two of the chapters.
If you want to hear from a representative group of thoughtful, critical, and experienced transracial adoptees, get Outsiders Within. It’s a must-read for the adoption community.
THE John Raible? I am just so thrilled to hear
that you are a member of ARP. I have been
reading your John Raible Online for a long time
and you have made an impact on my family
for some time now. Count me in as one
of those who consider you “MY HERO”.
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I don’t understand whats wrong with wanting to adopt children who look like you. i don’t get how some people think that means your racist.
> don’t understand whats wrong with wanting to adopt children who look like you. i don’t get how some people think that means your racist.
TC, if that’s what you took away from the original article and the comments, then you have a lot more reading to do about TRA issues.