by Anti-Racist Parent columnist, Amber, originally published at American Family
Ever since the Chinese school incident M has been struggling to wrap her head around the idea of race. While she seemed to have an ok understanding of skin color (people with dark skin, people with brown skin, people with light brown skin, people with pink skin), she is having a harder time with what “Chinese” looks like.
After her appearance was critiqued at Chinese school, we tried to explain to her why some people might not think she looks Chinese. The conversation went something like this:
Hair comes in lots of different colors. There is red hair, black hair, blond hair, brown hair… We both have brown hair that is a similar color. Daddy has black hair. Can you think of any other people you know who have black hair? (M names her Aunt, some kids at school, and her uncle.) Right!
Did you know that many people who come from China have black hair or very dark brown hair? They also might have eyes that look more like Daddy’s eyes than Mommy’s eyes.
Did you know that Daddy and Aunt R are Chinese? They are Chinese because Amah and GongGong came from Taiwan and people from Taiwan are Chinese. Because their mommy and daddy are Chinese, daddy and Aunt R and Aunt J are Chinese too.
…Yes, I know that GongGong has white hair, but when he was younger his hair was black. No, I didn’t see it myself, but that is what daddy said GongGong looked like when he was younger.
Because daddy is Chinese, that means you are also Chinese.
…I know daddy doesn’t speak Chinese, but you can be Chinese even if you don’t speak it. Well, daddy doesn’t speak it because Amah and GongGong didn’t teach him. Yes, I know *you* can speak some Chinese. Yes, I can speak a little Chinese, but no, I am not Chinese. Both Nana and Grandpa are not Chinese, so Mommy isn’t Chinese.
Can you think of any people you know who are Chinese? (M names Mr. A, E a friend from school, her chinese tutor and her Uncle.) Well, daddy and E are Chinese. And your chinese tutor is Chinese. Yes, I know her hair is a little brown, but she is still Chinese. (she has highlights). Uncle S isn’t Chinese, even though he has black hair. Uncle S’s family is from Korea. Korea is near China and many people from Korea also have black hair, so that was a good guess.
Do you remember at Chinese school when that lady was surprised when I said you are Chinese? You do remember? I think maybe she was surprised because your hair is brown, not black like most Chinese people.
You look a little bit like daddy and a little bit like mommy. Your eyes are shaped like Daddy’s eyes, but they are very large like Mommy’s eyes. Maybe that lady thought you looked more like Mommy and she knew Mommy isn’t Chinese, so she was surprised that YOU are Chinese, but you are! That is what I told her. The next time someone asks you, if you want to, you can tell them that you are Chinese. Or, if you want, mommy or daddy can explain it to them. It is up to you.
We have come back to this conversation and had it in many variations over the past month, sometimes at M’s suggestion, sometimes at Mr.A or my suggestion. We rehashed it again with a little more focus on skin color when they were talking about Martin Luther King at school. We talked about how people come to the US from other countries and how people look different in different parts of the world.
It is interesting, watching her little mind struggle to sort it all out. Heck, there are still a lot of grown ups who don’t have it down yet.
The funniest conversation we have had about this topic so far was this weekend. We were in a Chinese restaurant and Mr. A and MIL were having an in-depth conversation in Chinese with the waitress as they were trying to order something that wasn’t on the menu. M was listening intently.
After the waitress walked away, M turned to MIL: “Amah, your hair is brown not black. I think you don’t look Chinese.”
The look on MIL’s face was priceless.
Amber is currently underpaid and overworked as the full-time parent to a three year-old daughter. Currently, she and her husband are in the process of adopting a child from China. Amber blogs about motherhood, adoption and life in her Midwestern multiracial family at American Family.
I read this over twice here, already having read it over for clarity repeatedly at your website, and I’m just getting it: MIL is mother-in-law. Good grief! (Even with the Amah, which I got…)
Of course, she will deal with this for so long, that she will develop a little twinkle in her eye, and maybe a tilt to her head, when she decides to engage.
The irony, of course, in all of this is that she will make make eyeball-test assessments and judgments of others, and reconcile her ideas of what ‘that group’ looks like, and whether the person she spies fits those ideas.
Good luck, little one. Call my little guy and maybe you guys can work it out, ’cause Amber, you know, the children shall lead us.
Here’s my 2 cents: I wonder if it might be easier to emphasize that being Chinese is a cultural identity and a link to your ancestors that shows up in the ways you live your life. Try not to talk about a person’s appearances at all. That’s the point right? There is no biological basis for race nor the phenotypes we stereotype as race. So take it out of the conversation and don’t give children this baggage that will just weigh them down. The differences that mean anything are cultural differences not physical.
Wouldn’t the phenotypes, much like structured language on the page, be the outgrowth of recognizable, present (and presumably prevalent) aspects of a people/of a culture?
That one might choose to group , under some purist leaning or rigid label, a common trait as THE DEFINABLE, IMMUTABLE (sorry, can’t seem to italicize on my mac, yet) feature of a people, and call it a racial group is altogether different outgrowth, with its own motivations.
People come in all shapes, sizes, tones, with varying shapes of noses, skulls (I am really into cranial shape), legs, torsos (-oes?), etc. One with sight can see this, and one will start to make mental groupings.
Growing up in a world where this is done, despite one’s input, will not make her immune from running into-and up against – it.
Ideally, we might not want to try and do the eyeball test, and we certainly don’t want to place restrictive boxes around people that send us hurtling into an irretrievable state of cognitive dissonance when they do the same to us, but we are … watching, thinking, musing.
Her parents will guide her on how to reconcile what she sees with respecting the individual for who the individual is, but part of “seeing” is recognizing, and being open to broadening what one thinks one knows.
Hi Amber,
I really appreciated this post and can truly relate. Our family, both nuclear and extended, come in all shades – I’ve had quite a time explaining to my 5 year old that everyone considers themselves black. You might get a kick out of this post I wrote to that effect:
http://ourkindofparenting.blogspot.com/2006/11/bill-cosby-is-black-man-and-your-father.html
Lately, I’ve been talking more about ethnicity and less about skin color with her …and I think it’s actually beginning to click. Give it time.
Correction: I actually meant *most* of our extended family, not everyone. The dear relatives who are Irish Catholic or Jewish do not consider themselves black. Except for Aunt Leah, who is actually black *and* Jewish. But come to think of it, she might not consider herself bl…oh, never mind!
Hi, Amber!
Few days ago I pinged this article and the ping was published as comment.
Now I don’t see it.
Is it deleted, or it disappeared by mistake.
Shall I ping again?
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Ah, I pinged you again…
I did not wont to.
I just published two links to your weblock in my new article, and that made the “ping”.
Sorry if I look a little insolent.
I am not, but some times even I see myself as insolently acting person
Kids have surprising amounts of inherent wisdom. Not to tell you how to raise your kid-well o.k., to tell you how to raise your kid-if somthing like the concept of her being chinese doesn’t make sense to her, maybe you should let it be. Which is to say maybe she’s right. Maybe being born in the U.S. midwest to one not at all chinese american parent and one american parent of chinese descent who doens’t speak chinese doesn’t make her chinese. Tell her the truth-daddy’s parents were born in China, daddy was born …..mommy was born……you were born…. but let her decide who and what she is by her own experiences.
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