by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Dawn Friedman
One of the first things I learned when my husband and I, both white people, began to explore adopting a child of African descent is that there would be a major curve for us to get educated about caring for a texture of hair unfamiliar to us. At the time, I thought the hair care was just about getting the hang of it — learning to use the right comb, learning to make a straight part, learning to make braids that aren’t lumpy. But as it turns out there’s whole other curve, which is figuring out what Madison’s hair means and what her hair says about us, about her, and about her place in the African American community and what messages we send her as we care for it.
White parents of black kids seem to be having a tough time of it. I see it all the time at our grocery or library — brown-skinned little girls holding the hands of white mamas and with hair that is dry and frizzy, pulled into a tight ponytail. Or wearing a halo of blurry fuzz that bears little resemblance to the wild, but well-defined curls of Corbin Bleu. I understand that we white mothers are often working at a disadvantage but it’s the state of our children’s hair that’s suffering for our ignorance. I have heard more than one black woman say, “If I see a biracial child whose hair is a mess, I know it’s her mother who’s white.”
Alberto-Culver, surely seeing the same sad fuzzy “styles” that I’m seeing, has figured out that we’re a market and they’ve created an ad campaign specifically targeted to us.
The product, Soft & Beautiful Just For Me Texture Softener, is intended as an alternative to hair pressing or relaxing. It launched last spring as an extension of A-C’s larger Soft & Beautiful brand of relaxers and related products for children from 4 to 11 years old. …Just For Me Texture Softener, in this initial marketing phase, is going after parents of girls from multiethnic or biracial backgrounds–specifically, “white moms who have black daughters, blood related or adopted–which is an underserved market,” said a public relations rep for Soft & Beautiful at A-C’s agency M Strategies, Dallas, Texas.
…
“If your mom is struggling to comb your hair–which is even more likely if she doesn’t have the same hair and doesn’t know how to deal with it–that imparts a negative feeling for the child and the mom also needs a boost of confidence,” she said.
–source: MediaPost Publications
There are three questions I had after reading this. The first, who knew we were a market? Second, is the answer to our struggle with our kids’ hair to “soften” with chemicals? And the third, is the way to market those chemicals is to make it a self-esteem issue?
On the Texture Softener site, the company promotes their “Advice for Moms” section with a pop-up right at the front. This part of the site details the ways our children’s hair is tied to their feelings of self-worth, cautioning, “Your daughter’s hair is unmistakably linked to her self-image and self-esteem. If she feels her hair is a problem, she will also think there is a problem with her image. If she believes her hair is beautiful, she will believe she is beautiful. Your little girl will take her cues from you, her mother. Be careful not to inadvertently pass on negative feelings through the frustrations of everyday grooming.” The solution? Change the texture of your daughter’s hair to make it easier to style. In other words, the problem is not with white parents who aren’t learning to manage their children’s hair — the problem is with the texture of that hair and so the solution is to change it.
Now I know that relaxing a child’s hair (although the company hastens to explain that this is a texture softener and is an alternative to harsh relaxers) is controversial in the black community and not just in the white moms with black kids community. I’m remembering a conversation I once read on the Nappturality forums when a member said that she thought it was ironic that so many white moms with black kids came to the forum to learn to do their children’s hair “right” but that too many black mothers did it wrong, i.e., not naturally. Yeah, pretty ironic and it underlines, I believe, that we white moms are making decisions without really getting the nuances of the cultural conversation. (My bias is for natural hair but I understand that I have a limited understanding of why many black woman do not choose to do natural hair.)
As my blogging friend Liana wrote on my entry about this topic, “The fact of the matter is that MOST black women do not do their hair naturally. When was the last time you saw a newscaster with natural hair? They are all permed. … When I dared suggest that I might let my kid’s hair loc, [my mother] lambasted me most furiously and made it clear that she would cut them out when I was asleep. This hair thing in the black community is powerful. I often liken it to white women’s issue with weight. Hair is our neurosis, but we come by it honestly.”
So then maybe a texture softener is a reasonable answer for some white moms who are struggling with their children’s hair and can’t figure out how to keep it healthy and style it attractively. If mom is cussing and fussing trying to drag a comb through it, what kind of message does that send? Especially if mom is white and her hair is kink-free. As Liana points out, “I think that what is different is that with a black mother, the kid sees that the mother is going through the same drama with her hair as does the child. In white households this is NOT the case. (And please don’t tell me about bad perms, frizziness and such, because this is not the same). The white mother’s hair is done much easier and the kid begins to long for hair like the mom and perceives her own hair as bad.”
That gave me a lot to think about. While my own feelings about caring for my daughter’s curls are unchanged, was I being too harsh on the company for rejecting their campaign outright?
I don’t think so. I think there’s a difference between a black woman softening the texture of her black child’s hair and a white woman making that same choice. My daughter does not have a black role model living in her house. In our family, white is the default. I think I need to work harder to help her see that she is OK just as she is — that her skin and hair are beautiful. If black children in black families are struggling to understand that Black is Beautiful, how much harder it is for my daughter with a white mother, whom she loves and wants to emulate? Shannon, a fellow white mom of a black daughter, talks about the importance of “direct socialization” in their family to counteract the messages her daughter gets everywhere else.
The Texture Softener people may have figured out that the best way to market to our “under-served” market is to tie their products in with self-esteem and with direct socialization (“Proactively talk about loving your daughter’s hair”). But I strongly disagree with their campaign: telling my daughter that I love her hair while I’m putting chemicals on it to fundamentally change it is a mixed message I don’t want to send. She is not beautiful DESPITE her curls; she is beautiful in part because of them. She is a whole package of perfection just as she is. Should she choose to change her hair when she’s older and cognizant of the broader social impact of her decisions, so be it; I will support her. But as long as I’m calling the shots, we’ll stick with daily conditioner, a wide-toothed comb and lots of clips to adore her. Those chemicals can just stay on the grocery shelf.
What do you all think?
Dawn Friedman is a writer and mother to two children. Her articles have appeared in Salon.com, Yoga Journal, Brain Child and the Greater Good and she is the op-ed editor at Literary Mama. She is also the founder of OpenAdoptionSupport.com and since the adoption of her daughter in 2004 has become passionate about the need for adoption reform. She blogs at this woman’s work.
Wow. Personally, I think a little more self-introspection might be in order. Why all the underlying anger?
Lots of questions regarding race, how we view beauty, etc. have been raised, but the fundamental question is this: how do we raise a strong, self-confident female/male child? Isn’t that really what you are asking?
I grew up in the age of the straightin’ comb — stuck on the stove to get it just hot enough. I am also old enough to have watched many African American women reject popular ideals of beauty preferring everything from short cropped hair to afro-puffs. The pendulum swings back and forth.
Folks, the concept of what is beautiful will always be in flux. Aren’t we talking more about plus-sized models today?
In my case, I happen to be a very successful (and fortunate) African American father. As such I have a much more flexible schedule than my wife. Both my daughter and son are “biracial” since folks seem to like that word.
I tend to do my daughter’s hair as best as I can. Sometimes that means it is straighter. Sometimes she goes “au natural”. It depends on how much time I have. And her hair is beyond curly — especially after it is washed. The same applies when our nanny, who is from Belize, does Tori’s hair.
At the end of the day, we all want our children to look good and be happy. It really comes down to time and skill. I have watched my sisters do hair my entire life, but as I can now attest, it is a lot harder to do than it looks. And even for my sisters, it takes a lot of time to do my daughter’s hair — only for it to come undone within 2 days.
There is no answer to whether natural is correct or some other version. It is what it is.
Dawn, to answer your question directly, The “Just for Me” product provides an option, a choice. Whether you like or agree with the marketing campaign should be irrelevant. It is kind of like fast food chains — plus and minuses.
In my humble opinion, either use the product or don’t. After all, THAT is the BEAUTY of choice.
Thanks, Lavon, for just “telling it like it is”! I think that a lot of time is wasted trying to convince one side that the other side is somehow right or better. Perhaps a lot of the anger that seems to have surfaced here is due to a perceived notion that some are trying to put down or disrespect decisions that others have made. As you so eloquently stated, our lives are all chock full of choices, options, pluses and minuses, and we all make decisions every day based upon which one is most beneficial to our own family. We all arrive at our own truths when we’re supposed to.
And, may I offer my compliments to you for what you are teaching your children by stepping outside that stereotypical father role, and being a wonderful example of a parent, be they male or female! God bless you and your family!
This is such a emotionally-charged subject and I suppose it has reason to be. My problem is slightly different (although I suppose everyone thinks their situation is different). I am multiracial. Among other things, I am black. My mother is 100% Asian. My hair gives me a lot of issues. It is very curly and because it is long, gets very tangled. My mom did an amazing job always keeping it neat when I was younger. My husband is predominantly black. Our daughter’s hair is extremely curly and long. I would not consider it nappy but kinky would be accurate at times. I used to just use detangling spray and styling cream to do her hair but the longer it gets, the more difficult it is getting to control. I am also finding it physically difficult to spend an hour or more to do her hair. I do not want to relax her hair for two reasons: 1. it is permanent and I don’t feel it should be my decision to make that kind of change and 2. because I think her hair is beautiful as it is.
But I can’t get around the fact that it is difficult to do her hair. My daughter (who is 7) thinks straight hair is beautiful, especially blonde hair. I am not blonde. My daughter wants to be able to wear her hair like mine (I wear it naturally curly or blow-dried straight; she loves it both ways). I don’t want to flat-iron her hair on a daily basis and it would be daily since her hair curls up again within hours. I am considering using the texture softener because it would allow us to have a happy medium of being able to style her hair while still maintaining the natural look. I certainly don’t want to send my daughter the message that she is not beautiful as she is but right now, I can’t help feeling like I am sending her the message that her hair is difficult to care for and a burden. I can’t think of any solution to that besides telling her and we all know that alone will not counteract all of the things she sees and feels on her own. Is it wrong that I want my daughter to feel beautiful? If I avoid doing something like this because of how I feel, aren’t I still inflicting an unnecessary judgement upon her? I don’t want her to look like a little white girl or little asian girl or even like me. I want her to look like her and believe she’s beautiful. How can she feel anything but the pain of having hair like hers right now?
Does this softener only work on hair of children with white mothers (hair that is naturally even LESS kinkier than all black children’s hair)? In other words, will this work on full blown kinky hair…or hair of a biracial child with a black mother who has kinky hair?
What if your daughter has really kinky hair when it’s dry and it’s painful for her to have her hair combed? My thoughts are that I would want to make my daughter more comfortable and less anxious about having her hair combed daily.
JFM works. Nevertheless, if your kids’ hair has a curl to it when it is wet, but frizzys-out later, you might want to try Mixed Chicks’ hair system. It’s not a relaxer… It’s more of a tamer, that works with the hair’s natural curl, rather than chemically straightening.
Great call, I.N-
I’m still looking for it, but will have to order it, I guess.
Tiffiany,
Seriously, dry combing is not the way to go, then. Every need will have to be addressed according to its demands.
Many people need their hair to be damp, moistened, or all-out wet in order to be combed. A little detangler by your side and a wide-tooth comb, plus a good brush, will help tremendously.
Not expecting to comb straight though from root to tip is a real consideration to make as well. Smooth it out with a thin application of any type of hair grease that is not too heavy (or scented) for your child, or try a creme-based curl smoother, like Garnier makes.
Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize.
Regardless of race—Hair “styles” can drastically change your appearance. I am a black mother with a black child that has hair texture like Corbin Bleu. My hair is easy to manage but her hair isn’t. I chose not to press or relax. My daughter’s hair is naturally curly so the texture softener helps to make her hair more manageable for me and less painful for her. She wears her hair is many different styles.
Perhaps JFM incorrectly defined and stated their target market during the product campaign but for Moms who seek a product that allows the hair to look natural yet be manageable the product works.
This is going to go nowhere, this end of the thread.
If it is your child has hair texture like Corbin Bleu, many, many Black people (women and girls) would wonder what in the hell you are thinking if you can’t ‘even’ manage that, and need to chemically alter it.
The thinking is (and I’m thinking it, I have to admit) ‘if you had to comb really kinky hair, you would lose your mind, you better be saying your blessings that your kid has ‘bouncy’ hair’.
(And, for clarity, texture and coil formation/springiness are not the same, so I’m actually referring to the IDEA of what Bleu’s texture may be, and assuming the hair shaft to be less porous, or bumpy, along its length, than that with which I am familiar among African-Americans who tend to be called ‘nappy’.)
If it is you who has the Bleu-bounce, and not your child, and you seek to have an easier way to manage your child’s hair, then the issue would once again be one of 1)familiarity and skill at handling coarse, tightly-kinked hair, and 2) one’s disposition toward natural styles and their political and/or psychosocial implications on the developing child’s mind.
I am multiracial, I think everything but hispanic. my parents are also multiracial. I grew up in the black community in New York City and white communities everywhere else. My hair texture look very much white and because it is curly does some crazy things especially when it is humid. My experiences did link my self esteem to my hair. Black girls wanted to be friends in order to play with my hair and the white girls were confused that I did not look like the idea of what a blask person should look like. It was too long and too straight. The black girls that didn’t know me accused me of wearing weaves and wigs and pulled my hair to prove thier assumptions. There is something to be said about the “advice” but overall I don’t agree with the ad.It is misleading and a little insulting. My child is naturally multiracial and her hair texture is sooo different from mine. I am not white and I have problems here and there. Sometimes I wish her hair were more like mine then I would have that learning curve that generally is assumed only white people have. We all have it otherwise these products would not exist to “make combing the hair easier”.
Correction — Sometimes I wish her hair were like mine so I wouldn’t have that learning curve that is generally assumed only white people have.
I used this product on my daughter’s hair.
Let me give you my history.
I do have caucasian ancestry on my mother’s side.My Father is of african descent. My mother has soft , curly hair which grew naturally long down her back. I loved to comb it as a child so wavy and beautiful.
I grew up hearing about how thick my hair was (still is to this day) but it was never long.
Growing up with my mixed heritage, I have several cousins with long, kinky hair and we all had our hair relaxed by the time we were 13. We had the discussions of good hair, nice hair which left the unspoken message of bad, hard hair which I have.
Mine broke up and to this day fluctuates from a full healthy relaxed head to patchy and short. Of course I am a wig and weave wearer which because of my complexion and features few realize.
Back to my daughters ( I have twin girls now 5).
One of the girls natural hair is all down her back, extremely coarse and thick at the roots and she has a tender scalp. She has enough hair on her head for about 3 people and has really fat plaits.
The other one is not quite at her shoulders, not as thick or long – easier to manage.
The thick haired one I had problems with ever since she was a baby – she would cry incessantly to comb and style her hair.
Up to before I used the chemical, her hair would take about 2 and a half hours just to style. Add another hour to unbraid, section, shampoo and condition and dry. ( And I still had the other daughter to do).
I tried everything- every product I could put my hands on – moisturizers, deep conditioners, detanglers, hair food, oils, lotions – nothing helped much – she still cried for two hours straight until she fell asleep or her eyes got so puffy that I would give up and not bother to comb out up to the roots but put a woogie in and comb the ends. She would go for weeks without her hair being properly combed through. I would make sure and comb with a wide tooth comb and go from ends up to the roots but the minute I got within inches of her scalp she would wince and start to cry.
I had stylists try washing and conditioning and once left the salon with her crying , her hair soaking wet, with a towel wrapped around it.
I prayed, I cried I did not know what to do. I felt so sorry for her and so frustrated every time I had to comb and style her hair. I even considered cutting it off till she was older. I really did not want to put the chemical in until she was older but I felt she was suffering too much. She would cry and say she hated her hair and wished she had hair like her sister.
Now her hair takes less than an hour to style when dry(still takes a while to wash and section but not as long). The hair is almost at her waist and of course she loves it because it is lighter, shinier, bouncier and prettier.
My main concern now is maintenance – so far it is not breaking and I am trusting God that it never will. I comb and style it about once a week – to protect it. She is much happier and so am I – and she looks so beautiful. While I feel a bit guilty for introducing relaxer so early, I am happy for her and for me. I just pray we can maintain her healthy hair so that she can enjoy it when she’s older.
The truth is most people’s perception including my own is that softer, longer, wavier hair is more beautiful than coarse, kinky, tightly curled african hair. The statistics, the chemical product sales, and what we see around us every day prove it. Almost all the women I know with African ancestry has chemically treated hair, wigs, weaves, pieces – look at the magazines and television. I am not usually an advocate of going with the crowd, but in this case it is actually easier and better.
More so, “nappy” kinky hair is just hard to comb and style – it hurts like hell and who wants to deal with that all the time.
As for “community hair” it is an ideal – sounds great but so not practical. None of the other african women I know have any time for that. While it sounds sweet, it would just be a communal nightmare. I have had other friends, relatives try to help me comb my daughters hair, and they all end up just as frustrated and sweating as I was. None of them who have handled her hair have protested or questioned my decision to apply chemicals. They saw the torture she was going through even though they admired her natural hair.
The real question for me at the heart of it all is why is the african race the only race with this problem – and lets face it – it is a problem than no other race faces. Not white, chinese, indian, thai, phillipino whatever. No other race has this.
I do not have the answer – this one I reserve for my maker when I see him or maybe if I take the time to study our biblical or archeological roots there may be answer there. If anyone has answers or insights I am eager to listen.
For now I am happy with the solution I have found, a solution as old as the pressing comb and straighteners that 99% of us have been through.
So I don’t judge the chemical users and I admire the natural wearers. I just know where and why my preference lies.
i’d like to correct the site name to http://www.mixedchicks.net, not DOT COM,
this product is giving me mixed emotions in general… i dont kno what else to put
Lisajo-
Sounds to me like your insistence on keeping your daughter ‘in the look’ was more pressing (ha!) than keeping her comfortable and cute in a kiddie way.
Your comments are disturbing in a dismissive manner that border on a ‘Wish I may, wish I might, have the hair I dream tonight’ propensity, and ignore the underlying causes for a nation of women to deny that they routinely deny expression of their genetic selves.
Not enough words to fill the void.
Thanks for your comment Kim. The comfortable part was the most ‘pressing’ reason as I really just wanted to reduce my daughter’s pain. There is no denial of expression of her genetic self – her relaxed braided hair , skin color and facial features still express who she is genetically.
Her life is just a bit easier and happier and she can enjoy being who she is. A woman of any other race who colors, perms, streaks, braids, locs, or anything else is not considered to be denying who they are genetically. Your genetic makeup cannot hide (unless really extreme measures are taken). A person should be allowed to have a preference or an option and not be regarded as denying themselves.
Belle: A “texture softner” is as PERMANENT as a relaxer. A “texture softner” is a texturizer, they just changed the lingo to make it new again.
There are loads of misconceptions out there so I’ll try to address a few:
NATURAL HAIR (on “black” persons) should be combed ONLY when wet and coated with a conditioner. That is when the hair shaft is strongest. You’ll have less breakage and pain. The size & type of comb/brush matters and you should start from tip to root when combing. Also, make sure to finger detangle first.
I am a 22 yr old American-born Nigerian woman and grew out my relaxer in 2003. My hair was first relaxed at 6 and before then I wore it in an afro. I think my mother thought our hair was supposed to be relaxed, but I never asked. I always *hated* having my hair relaxed. I *love* my natural hair.
Hair CARE is just that, CARE as Rebecca so nicely pointed out. I think we all having a learning curve. For instance, I recently learned more about eating healthy — this could take more time in regards to food preparation and more money but I’ve looking into ways to keep time and cost down. The same is true for the natural hair care of “black” people. It’s not *1* click away, but it’s 2,3, and maybe a book or two.
As a childless person I wonder, why have children if you aren’t willing to *learn* to care for them?
Kudos to you on a great article. I wish more people would adopt the same views as you
I think it’s important for you to learn how to care for your child’s hair in it’s natural state. This is a chemical plain and simple and you don’t want to place a chemical on a child under 10 years old. In spite of what the ad said and in spite of SunFlower Mom.
As a matter of fact the young girl used as a model doesn’t even have what’s considered coarse hair.
Natural Hair is beautiful and can be managed! you just have to find the right product not chemical! A good detangler and good moisture product and your done!
Now as girls approach the tweens they may have a desire to go straight and that may require a chemical. At this point I’d say go for it!
Mixed Chicks products are doing right by my family.
I am the bio. white mother of a georgous 10 y.o. bi-racial daugter. we have struggled with her hair since she was born. I have sought advice from AA friends and followed it only to end up in worse condition than when we began. to complicate things she is a swimmer and this dries her hair terribly, so relaxing the hair is out, it breaks too easily. I have found that lots of conditioner, not shampooing everyday but once a week, and lots of leave in cream conditioner work best, the oils and grease do not moiturize or hydrate her hair, they just add to the build up and dull color. Her hair is now shiny and beautifully curly – natural hair is definately the way for us to go!!
Try Neutragena’s triple moisture shampoo and conditioner. Works great on my grownup, but still tender-headed, curls.
Good luck.
To relax or not to relax is an issue most African American mothers of African American children think about. Unfortunately in most of our communities it is “natural” to relax. To see a child with natural hair, that was her mother’s choice, often tells me what kind of person her mother may be…forward thinking, activist, afrocentric, etc… I have natural hair that I wear braided or picked out in an afro. I have already decided not to put any chemicals (other than oil) in my daughter’s hair. When she is old enough to decide for herself then I will allow that to happen. I have three nieces and they all have relaxers. My family will not understand because in their world straight hair is beautiful.
What I have seen most often is that White parents don’t know how to manage hair daily. I have met people who wash their African American child’s hair daily (which dries it completely out) or don’t put any oil on it or the scalp (we don’t produce much of our own hair oil). That to me is the most important things to learn. I believe it to be true, especially in this day and age, that girls do connect their self acceptance with their hair. You don’t see many African American singers, actresses, etc.. with natural hair and they want to be like “those girls”. Don’t make it right, but it is true.
I put the texture softer on my daughter’s hair and she loves it,,before then she hated getting her hair combed..it didnt take away from her original texture she still has her curly locs, its still thick and look nautraul. but it is more manageable and it doesnt look dry and frizzy and i will definitely continue to use it! i am a African-American mother and my daughter is too she has hair exactly like corbin bleu which is beautiful hair..i used to comb it and it looks as if i didnt do anything to it which i spent hours on it then people pass judgement and think your neglecting their childrens hair when they are really not! i put the texture softer on her hair it only took about 30 mins to do her hair and this with washing 6 times and styling! I think that this is a GReat product and dont knock until you try it!
I really stand by you with this, even as a black woman when I was a child my mother never relaxed my hair. She would, comb, grease and braid or twist my hair styling it with hair bows and barrettes. I didn’t get a relaxer in my hair until I was 16 because her hair stylist pressured her into putting a Just For Me relaxer in my hair which caused bald spots in my hair…not a good choice.
My hair is now thick and beautiful because my Mother didn’t put a relaxer in my hair that would break it down and thin it out at a young age like so many other mother’s do.
Embrace your child’s natural hair like my Mom did mine Even now she still presses her own hair (not relaxes) and she’s 52 years old.
I need help, really! I catch all kinds of flap from so many people for relaxing my daughter’s hair. I am an African-Am mom and so is my daughter. She has extremely long and extremely thick hair. Other than the Huxtable kid, “Rudy” from the Cosby Show, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a little girl with such long, thick, kinky hair. For me, I don’t relax it primarily for the look. I do it so that I can comb it and get on with our day. My mom (who has the exact same hair as my daughter) swears that she would be more than willing to wash and hot comb her hair. But, realistically, we don’t live around the corner– with two other kids, I can’t maintain a press & comb and a full-time job, and all the other stresses of life. I gave up and figured it’s just hair. Let’s get it combed and move on with life. It simply wasn’t worth the struggle of hearing her cry and scream everytime we had to wash or hot comb it. If anyone can offer a better solution, please share. I know I’m altering her natural hair, but technically don’t I do that anyway if I apply conditioners to natural hair or even hot comb it? I’m just looking for a way to get her hair done in under 2 hours without the fuss and tears.
I’ve just begun to read many of the comments on this page. I actually am black and my 2 children are black and my eldest of the 2 has very unmanageable hair, however it reminds me of some biracial hair types. I have been perming her hair since she was 15 mos. due to her agony and mine. I have not found a product that best suites my daughter since they introduced the just for me texturizer. My little and I tried this product in April of this year and she still has no tears when we do her hair, even though she has washed most of it out. I believe in this product but not the price. All the other talk about who is racist and who is not does not matter. It is finding the cure for managable due to our busy daily lives. The world is moving too fast to throw insults. If white people were really irritated by mixed children’s hair they would either develop a way to cope or not mix at all. My great-great grandmother was white and through time everyone born in our family doesnot share her naturally straight look. We are all biracial in some form or fashion.
Thirty years ago I gave birth to a beauitful mixed black baby girl. I remember how I searched for hair products, reading material that would work for her. I would take her into the hair salons, in the white hair salons they would refused to handle her unmanageable hair and in the black hair salons I would receive hissing and kissing of teeth and was quoted a fortune (over priced )to relax my daughter’s beautiful locks. That day I refused to relax her hair. As a white mother, I learnt to handle my daughter’s hair thorugh my husbands advice. (Be patience, comb in small sections, comb from the ends then go work upwards to the roots and if all else fails use lots of DAX.) I learnt to cut, braid and evern cornrow her hair. I would have black mothers come to me and ask who is my daughter’s hairdresser because her hair was so lfull, long and beautiful. I would tell them it was me. Most times they would look at me funny and sometimes, I was even called a liar. When she was little, I toke her to daycare and the black daycare teachers would take out her braids to play with her long natural hair. They said they loved to play with her unknotted hair. Every night I would braid her hair again. By the age of 16 her hair was full and to her waist, never been relaxed and never been dyed. She choose to cut her hair short and relax it. Thirty-five years later, I have a beautiful granddaughter. (Whom is six) . Daily, I take her to daycare. I was approached by a black daycare teacher and she told me that my grand-daughter’s hair is always beautiful with her pretty braids, ribbons and bows. I was asked do I texture her hair? I said no, what is that? The teacher proceeded to inform me how it cuts the time down in doing her daughter’s hair. Nowdays, there are so….many hair products, that makes taking care of ones hair easier. I always felt confused everytime I walked to the shelves in the store. Last week, for the first time, I approached a sales clerk and asked about texturing. I was coming out of the old days and I bought a kit. Who gives two hoots what anyone says. If the product works why not. I go to the salon, I get a wash, haircut, perm and my hair dyed. My daughter does the same. What’s wrong with my grand-daughter getting her hair texturized. It is less harmful then getting relaxed, dry, breaking, split ends and damaged. Many little mixed and black girls get it done, all the time. Their so happy with smiles because now my grand-daughter can now play with them and get her hair done. They take turns doing each others hair. Just like the little white girls do to each other’s hair. My grand-daughter has more time to play or study then sitting in a chair for sometimes upto 4 hours. Ask her, about the old days of hairstyling and she would say, “BORING”.
In response to the writer of the article…
Especially to your point about their linking the hair to emotions & self esteem….
Sadly, the marketer of the product was simply trying to expound on an already existing truth.
Hair has been overwhelmingly important matter for black women for a long time. Maybe , originally stemming from negatives such as racism, and light-skinned / good-hair superiority complexes… it has changed over time, but it’s still a big deal.
I was in St. Louis this past weekend for a graduation, and witnessed an atrocity. Such a beautiful little mixed girl with strawberry blonde hair… in a mess that was just strained and straw-like (dry), and just horrid.
The mother had taken a matching piece of weave and just stuck around the real hair. It was obvious she was already losing hair around the temples and in the length. It was a true atrocious SHAME !
That can mess with a childs self-esteem. She looked Jacked-Up… like a JOKE !
Children will be children, and no white-child is going to understand why she looks like a punished barbie doll / chow-chow dog fur / troll doll. And no black child is going to accept that as OK… to them it’s obvious that somebody don’t “care” about you… I mean the jokes would never end, until the child combs her hair.
After we left the graduation, a friend of mine (mixed) mentioned how when she was a child one of her friends (mixed) parents made all their children get dreads. She and her friend didn’t understand dreads, and neither did any of the other kids. Her friend was teased alot & depressed. They decided to sneak a box of perm/relaxer to school and try to perm the dreads! Just so her friend could be accepted with the other kids! WOW.
They could’ve blinded themselves! But were caught in the process. She said it was that serious to them at the time. No friends or Get a Perm !!
for a child… as a mother… wouldn’t that be the end of it… enough said.
No mother wants her child to suffer rejection (reasonless, but still there) rejection !
I just read my message
I see it seems as if I have a pro-perm OR pro-relaxer slant
I do not
I have had a relaxer since I was 12
I am now 25 and natural
When I was young my father would not let me put any heat or chemicals in my hair
I would spend hours & hours in the mirror struggling with my hair, and then I would break down and cry to sleep. It was tough
When I got my first perm… it was a Just For Me mild kiddie relaxer
Amen! It did not relax my hair like adult perms later did. All it did was make it alot easier to comb, and “appear” straighter. It was still thick, it could still “swell up”, but I could pull it into a few ponytails without crying & it would look OK.
But, alas it was still a perm, and it did remove the coil-iness of the curl pattern.
So, I just think this is great.
Because at some point your child will have to learn to do their own hair. And no matter how much you know… they will still struggle.
I’m 25 and now I’m struggling all over again. This is my first year natural. This is my first MONTH being comfortable with it.
I was starting to get so sad, and wonder if I can handle this. I’m not a kid anymore, and I can’t pull my hair into plaits, and braids, and twisted ponytails.
Last month I pressed my hair out, and went to work. It was hot & moist outside. Do you know my hair starting doing this swelly shrinking thing. I WAS HUMILIATED! And I had to stay at work. My Russian friend asked me “is it hard to take care of natural hair?” I just took my hat off & didn’t say a word. She understood. It was so bad. I have to be professional & talk to people for living… It’s unacceptable to look like you FORGOT to do your hair.
So, I’ve been all over the internet & to a couple of natural salons… and at 25 I am just now finding out how many different ways I can do my hair!!
I’d NEVER had a roller-set in Life, till a week or so ago! Wow. I don’t need heat to make my hair sort of straight? Wow!
It’s a whole new world for me. I’ve been doing my hair SOOO long. And now I’m starting over… like seriously starting over like a kid. It’s a struggle…
I MIGHT GET ONE OF THE TEXTURE SOFTENERS MYSELF! I already have extremely soft hair (it’s just swell prone)
Hmmm….
Chay, that’s a little funny.
I hear you, though.
so i was wondering can i use this in my 2 year old daughter hair or would it effect hair.
Melly: I would say a kid that age shouldn’t have any processing done to their hair. Check out this site for info on dealing with curly hair in a positive way: http://www.curlykids.com/
Wow! I had no idea this was targeted to bi-racial children and their parents. The box looks like it has a latina and a black girl on it…didn’t look mixed to me. I first saw this product in a Rite Aid in the Bronx back in April. I’m 25 years old. I don’t like to perm and but I like the fact that texturizers let me keep an “ethnic” look but that dried my hair out too much. In my search for something new, I found and bought the Just for Me texture softener and fell in love with it. Having to get up and go to work, I don’t have the time to daily deep condition and “tame” my hair before I walk out the door. With this product, I rinse with conditioner and scrunch with grease or gel and I’m cute all day. I also like the fact that if I want to wear my hair tied up, putting it into a pony tail is no hassle. Just brushing it and pulling it back actually straighten my hair and gives me a new look from day to day. For adults it’s different but my suggestion for children is to just keep it healthy and take care of it, by the time you’re my age you’ll be a pro at handling your natural texture. I wish i never permed my hair as a child, I would be in love with my natural today.
I read majority of the comments made on this page. I recently purchased a texture softener for my daughters hair and both myself and my husband are definitely black. My daughters hair texture is soft, frizzy, and a wavy combination. In the process of washing and conditioning her hair it tangles really bad, so i went and purchased a detangler….that didnt work, i notice her hair would break off in the process of me trying to detangle it, so instead of holding and pulling and end up with a comb full of hair, i bought a texture softener. I bought it to help manage my daughters hair. Her hair reminds me of Corbin Bleu, soft and curly naturally, but with the kinks. And now her hair is still soft and curly with no kinks and less stress. So me personally i didnt change her texture, the only thing i eliminated out of the process is the kinks and me pulling my daughters hair out.
And she is loving it.
Shera:
Sorry, but when you wrote “The box looks like it has a latina and a black girl on it…didn’t look mixed to me.” I have to ask…
What exactly do you think a black/white biracial child looks like? Or a black/non-black Latina? Or a black/Asian? (any of which may have combination hair that does not easily respond to traditionally “black” or “white” hair care regimens?)
Really, we don’t all look the same… *sigh*
Wow! I just came across this website…..I cannot believe the amount of anger and hostility here. I just bought a box of the relaxer for my 9-year old daughter. I (her mother) am “white”. When I found out I was having a girl, all I could think was, “I can’t wait to do her hair.”. I just assumed she would have softness and ringlets! Boy, was I wrong. Thankfully, she has a wonderful step-mother who has helped guide me through the ups and downs. She DID NOT teach me everything. I took it upon myself to learn everything possible…..and I’m still learning. When my daughter was younger, I did what I had to to take care of it. I’d send her to her dad’s house, and she’d come back with a bunch of ponytails and all “greased” up. That was hard to get used to….honestly, I hated it. She looked “too black”. It’s funny now, when I ask her step-mother what she used to think, she’d say “she looked too white”. But what does that really mean? I’m quite sure the we all do what we want with our hair when we want to do it. Do we not remember back to the early 80′s when “white” people would get a perm and sport a “fro”? I know I sat in the kitchen several times whilke my mom gave me a perm. I also recall everyone running out to get the Jennifer Aniston haircut. It really doesn’t matter the race or what they put on the box. People of all races follow people of all races. It’s life. I’ve learned from my 9 year old that just because she may wear her hair straight, it doesn’t make her less “black”, and when she wears her hair in micro braids, it doesn’t make her less “white”. It makes her, her. She thinks it’s really great that she can change her hair all the time. So do the kids at her school. (F.Y.I. she is 1 of 4 AA or Bi-racial kids out of 400 at her school)Ultimatly, if you really care what others think about how you groom your childs’ hair, you have too much time on your hands. Believe me, you are doing just fine-don’t let anyone tell you different!!
hi! iv bin reading ur article and the responces, and am really interested now in whether or not hair should be texturized/left naturally. I am 15 yrs old and have the ‘community’ kinky hair. I’ve had my eye on this product for a while as my mom won’t let me fully straighten or ‘relax’ my hair- this product promises to ‘soften and detangle’ rather than straighten as a harsher relaxer would do.
However, I’m now generally confused over whether or not to texture or leave my hair natural; what exactly does texturizing look like and what would it do to my hair? I would like to decide if natural is actually better, but don’t know enough about texturizing, although this article seems to be against it. If someone would please explain the final look/process to me I would very much appreciate it.
Before I used the product, my daughter would cry when I combed her hair. I was reluctant to use any chemical because she is only 5. I saw the moisture texture and purchased it. Wow, its great. I did not want to relax my childs hair, just make it easier to comb without breaking the kinky ends off. It works so well. I only put it on for half the time called for and rinsed it out. Her hair is so manageable and soft. Very easy to comb and DOES NOT look relaxed at all. It still looks natural in every way. In the end…to each his own. Most black people who resort to adding chemicals to their young childs hair usually is doing it for the manageability and not to conform them into the “good hair” thing. Please…let people make their own decisions without so much darn criticism.
Oh by the way, I forgot to add that I am not the Kim in the earlier posts. I just found this website today.
First a texutrizer IS a relaxer — milder and for short hair but a relaxer nonetheless. Second I guess I missed all the inuendos and stereotypes associated with this product when I saw it. I just saw a texturizer in the name and a girl with long hair. So being yes — a grandma — trying to keep my thick in the back thin on top hair carefree and natural while struggling with arthritis making it difficult to manage sometimes I was intrigued. After reading about how it protects the hair and was less damaging than a relaxer though it was a good idea because I sure could stand my hair to be a bit more manageable. And since it was for little girls well it might not be as harsh on my hair as a regular relaxer. So I tried it. Did go closer than 1 inch to the scalp. And I forot the oil — OK I read the directions without my glasses and just missed that dang step. So I had to backtrack and put the oil on top of the conditioner and hope for the best. Then for saftey’s sake I piled on some deep conditioner. (I had Reviving Color’s in the middle too – for any other grannies out there). In the end it was a bit too straight — probably because I combed it in the middle — but it is wavy and wash and wear. And definitely a LOT more manageable. If your daughter has really tight hair that you are struggling to comb and cannot find a moisturizer that really works — then whether you are a white or black mom this would help. But if you are not experienced in relaxer/texturizer application, don’t try it yourself, take her to a good stylist that is willing to work with you. For the white moms, there are black moms that don’t have a clue when it comes to their daughter’s hair, and can’t manage their own, so swallow your pride and find a good black stylist that will counsel and work with you as well as a group of black moms — because we don’t all agree on what to do with our daughter’s hair either.
I agree with Kim on the Oct 29th post. My daughter’s hair was very kinky and she had a head full of thick hair Combing her hair was very painful for both of us. By the time I would finish we both would be in tears. I finally broke down and put a mild relaxer in her hair. She was so happy that’s all that mattered to me. I was criticized for putting a relaxer in her hair at such young age (5). However, her happiness was what mattered most to me.
De Grandma: THANK YOU for that post! My baby’s hair is just growing in. A single curl just popped off the top of her head – it’s cute now…. and I hope I can handle it when more come. With help from a black sylist – I’m sure!
Are we listening in this post?
Do we need stylists for our children’s hair?
Really?
Wow. I love the internet for reaffirming my own feelings and thoughts. Even before I had my son, I learned about the AA culture so I wasn’t clueless. I knew any child I had would have issues put on them in regards to their hair. Sure enough I got the baby boy with ‘good hair’, according to my in-laws. *rolling eyes*
But now that he needs a haircut, because it looks like Corbin Bleu @
…18 mos old! But I want it to stay long and fabulous while still looking neat. I hate the thought of clippers on his head cutting off all those curls, and cornrows are out. The connotations of cornrows in my community (thug) are ridiculous. So while I wouldn’t be in the market for the relaxer or texturizer for my boy, I do have to find a person who can cut his curls/fro without ruining it!
I understand why the company markets this product the way they do but I was appalled. What a terrible way to play on the insecurities of parents of biracial children! Many of us are already trying to figure out if we do enough to instill African American culture into their lives.
I am a white mother of two bi-racial girls. The oldest has big, loose, easy-to-manage curls. My youngest, however, has super tight, itty-bitty, hard-to-manage curls. She’s 12 now and I couldn’t tell you how much I’ve spent over the years trying different products to get the one that works just right, but the key, I’ve learned, is CONDITIONER!!! After she washes her hair, I slather on a thick mess of Cholesteral (sp) Conditioner and not only does it make her hair super easy to comb, it produces the softest, prettiest curls. Bi-racial hair requires a lot of moisture. As her hair dries, it turns it to very tight little ringlets. Just spray a little spritz to keep it from frizzing and viola…beautiful hair. She has amazing, gorgeous hair that all the little girls are envious of.
Problem is, she hates it. Really…it’s because she is very lazy when it comes to doing her hair and she feels that she is limited on the different styles she can obtain with her hair. It’s been a difficult decision, but I’ve finally conceeded to taking her to get a relaxer. I have a feeling this is a decision that I’m going to regret…but it is her hair, not mine. You can’t force your child to love their hair. Her dislike for her hair exists despite the constant “I love your hair” comments from blacks, whites, hispanics, what-have-you on a daily basis.
My advice to anyone that has a child with curly hair: find a way to put off relaxing it as long as possible, discover what works for your child’s hair – there are too many resources out there on hair care to have your child walking around looking like a rag-a-muffin, teach your kiddo to be PROUD of whatever hair they have and then when they are old enough, let them call the shots (within reason).
Lesson’s I’ve learned: do not attempt to do the relaxer yourself…take your kid to a reputable beauty shop. Regardless of how upscale, nice a beauty shop is…white people (myself included) cannot properly cut really curly hair; take your child to someone who is experienced with curly hair. The shampoo/conditioner you use makes a difference.
Hi, you wrote a great post. I am a black mom of four kids with shoulder length hair. It takes me about 2 hours to comb out each of their hair when I am going to fix it. I have to comb it before I wash it and after, so it takes about half of day to do one of their hair. I’m afraid to put any kind of relaxer in their hair, so I have been going through this for 10 years now. I have difficult to manage hair too but it is permed, so it is a little bit better than theirs. I’ve just learned about flat irons and it helps alot. I only pass it through the hair once fast so it doesn’t burn, afterwards it still looks the same but is much longer, softer and easier to manage.
It should not be about what color the childs mother is. I am so ashamed of you black woman saying silly stuff like this. I am a black woman and a mother. I am also a cosmetologist who has been in the business for over 20 years and I have seen little black kids with black mother’s and their hair is even in worse shape. You should be helping the mother of those kids and offering suggestions about products that work. I also have a biracial sister.
when my oldest daughter was born I found it hard to do her hair because of its texture. I have helped my freinds with there kinky corse hair and even did there childrens hair. My problem was the my daughters hair was inbetween my hair and my husband. Alot of the products that I used on my friends didnt work on her hair and it would frizz or look very dry. When she was four I started looking for a hirdresser to teach me how to do her hair. I looked for people who were open to teaching me and knew how to deal with her hair. Find someone who has dealt with biracial childrens hair and your childs particular texture (Not all hairdressers can do that) I had a white hairdresser in England that did quite well and some wonderful African American and some bad. I had her hair done once a month and praticed on her hair until I got it right. I hear that alot of people put down white parents for not knowing how to do there biracial childs hair but there is also alot of black mothers of biracial children who dont know how to do there hair.