by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Dawn Friedman
One of the first things I learned when my husband and I, both white people, began to explore adopting a child of African descent is that there would be a major curve for us to get educated about caring for a texture of hair unfamiliar to us. At the time, I thought the hair care was just about getting the hang of it — learning to use the right comb, learning to make a straight part, learning to make braids that aren’t lumpy. But as it turns out there’s whole other curve, which is figuring out what Madison’s hair means and what her hair says about us, about her, and about her place in the African American community and what messages we send her as we care for it.
White parents of black kids seem to be having a tough time of it. I see it all the time at our grocery or library — brown-skinned little girls holding the hands of white mamas and with hair that is dry and frizzy, pulled into a tight ponytail. Or wearing a halo of blurry fuzz that bears little resemblance to the wild, but well-defined curls of Corbin Bleu. I understand that we white mothers are often working at a disadvantage but it’s the state of our children’s hair that’s suffering for our ignorance. I have heard more than one black woman say, “If I see a biracial child whose hair is a mess, I know it’s her mother who’s white.”
Alberto-Culver, surely seeing the same sad fuzzy “styles” that I’m seeing, has figured out that we’re a market and they’ve created an ad campaign specifically targeted to us.
The product, Soft & Beautiful Just For Me Texture Softener, is intended as an alternative to hair pressing or relaxing. It launched last spring as an extension of A-C’s larger Soft & Beautiful brand of relaxers and related products for children from 4 to 11 years old. …Just For Me Texture Softener, in this initial marketing phase, is going after parents of girls from multiethnic or biracial backgrounds–specifically, “white moms who have black daughters, blood related or adopted–which is an underserved market,” said a public relations rep for Soft & Beautiful at A-C’s agency M Strategies, Dallas, Texas.
…
“If your mom is struggling to comb your hair–which is even more likely if she doesn’t have the same hair and doesn’t know how to deal with it–that imparts a negative feeling for the child and the mom also needs a boost of confidence,” she said.
–source: MediaPost Publications
There are three questions I had after reading this. The first, who knew we were a market? Second, is the answer to our struggle with our kids’ hair to “soften” with chemicals? And the third, is the way to market those chemicals is to make it a self-esteem issue?
On the Texture Softener site, the company promotes their “Advice for Moms” section with a pop-up right at the front. This part of the site details the ways our children’s hair is tied to their feelings of self-worth, cautioning, “Your daughter’s hair is unmistakably linked to her self-image and self-esteem. If she feels her hair is a problem, she will also think there is a problem with her image. If she believes her hair is beautiful, she will believe she is beautiful. Your little girl will take her cues from you, her mother. Be careful not to inadvertently pass on negative feelings through the frustrations of everyday grooming.” The solution? Change the texture of your daughter’s hair to make it easier to style. In other words, the problem is not with white parents who aren’t learning to manage their children’s hair — the problem is with the texture of that hair and so the solution is to change it.
Now I know that relaxing a child’s hair (although the company hastens to explain that this is a texture softener and is an alternative to harsh relaxers) is controversial in the black community and not just in the white moms with black kids community. I’m remembering a conversation I once read on the Nappturality forums when a member said that she thought it was ironic that so many white moms with black kids came to the forum to learn to do their children’s hair “right” but that too many black mothers did it wrong, i.e., not naturally. Yeah, pretty ironic and it underlines, I believe, that we white moms are making decisions without really getting the nuances of the cultural conversation. (My bias is for natural hair but I understand that I have a limited understanding of why many black woman do not choose to do natural hair.)
As my blogging friend Liana wrote on my entry about this topic, “The fact of the matter is that MOST black women do not do their hair naturally. When was the last time you saw a newscaster with natural hair? They are all permed. … When I dared suggest that I might let my kid’s hair loc, [my mother] lambasted me most furiously and made it clear that she would cut them out when I was asleep. This hair thing in the black community is powerful. I often liken it to white women’s issue with weight. Hair is our neurosis, but we come by it honestly.”
So then maybe a texture softener is a reasonable answer for some white moms who are struggling with their children’s hair and can’t figure out how to keep it healthy and style it attractively. If mom is cussing and fussing trying to drag a comb through it, what kind of message does that send? Especially if mom is white and her hair is kink-free. As Liana points out, “I think that what is different is that with a black mother, the kid sees that the mother is going through the same drama with her hair as does the child. In white households this is NOT the case. (And please don’t tell me about bad perms, frizziness and such, because this is not the same). The white mother’s hair is done much easier and the kid begins to long for hair like the mom and perceives her own hair as bad.”
That gave me a lot to think about. While my own feelings about caring for my daughter’s curls are unchanged, was I being too harsh on the company for rejecting their campaign outright?
I don’t think so. I think there’s a difference between a black woman softening the texture of her black child’s hair and a white woman making that same choice. My daughter does not have a black role model living in her house. In our family, white is the default. I think I need to work harder to help her see that she is OK just as she is — that her skin and hair are beautiful. If black children in black families are struggling to understand that Black is Beautiful, how much harder it is for my daughter with a white mother, whom she loves and wants to emulate? Shannon, a fellow white mom of a black daughter, talks about the importance of “direct socialization” in their family to counteract the messages her daughter gets everywhere else.
The Texture Softener people may have figured out that the best way to market to our “under-served” market is to tie their products in with self-esteem and with direct socialization (“Proactively talk about loving your daughter’s hair”). But I strongly disagree with their campaign: telling my daughter that I love her hair while I’m putting chemicals on it to fundamentally change it is a mixed message I don’t want to send. She is not beautiful DESPITE her curls; she is beautiful in part because of them. She is a whole package of perfection just as she is. Should she choose to change her hair when she’s older and cognizant of the broader social impact of her decisions, so be it; I will support her. But as long as I’m calling the shots, we’ll stick with daily conditioner, a wide-toothed comb and lots of clips to adore her. Those chemicals can just stay on the grocery shelf.
What do you all think?
Dawn Friedman is a writer and mother to two children. Her articles have appeared in Salon.com, Yoga Journal, Brain Child and the Greater Good and she is the op-ed editor at Literary Mama. She is also the founder of OpenAdoptionSupport.com and since the adoption of her daughter in 2004 has become passionate about the need for adoption reform. She blogs at this woman’s work.
Great insight…. I think that African American women and girls who are not biracial can benefit from the Texturizer.
Thoughts??
No one has answered the question about the results, whether it is actually better than a perm, what do you use on it to maintain it. Is it safe to flat iron. some of these indicators are on the box, but it would be great to get testimonials. I’d like to use it on my hair so that I can color it safely.
Today about an hour ago i was flipping through a vintage essence magazine dating, December 2006. My eyes poped from it’s sockets when i saw the adverisement for a hair softner, exploded with joy.
Being a young black woman myself, i struggled with my hair texture all my life. I got my first perm when i was 5 b/c my mother (who is prt black prt Puerto Rican herself ) couldn’t manage my hair.
I went through a constant cycle of relaxing, falling out, going natural to braids, to relaxing again. The same cycle. I have tampered with weave, box breads, faux ponytails, etc.
I decided i would never ever perm my hair again and went 3 years with cornrows in my head. My hair grew so long it was past my shoulder blades. Excited with my success i permed it again. Strangers come up to me and would want to pet my hair, and Latinos speaking to me in Spanish because they mistaking me for Hispanic. I treated my hair like a lover, 3 hours plus out of the day i was taking care of my hair. It was thick, bouncy, and moved when i moved. I washed it 3 times out of the week, conditioned, deep conditioned, leave-in-condition, put a hair mask in once a week, and oiled and brushed it with affection.
One of the most common mistakes of a black female is that they think the should not wash their hair( wether permed, weaved or boxed braids.) AT ALL until the next visit to the salon. which could be any where to 3 weeks to 3 months! The sclap is the foundation for hair growth it thrust for nutriets. If you provide it with what it needs it will bless and reward you with beautiful hair!
Don’t say, “oh you don’t know what your saying.You can’t wash your hair like no white girl, you’ll strip your hair.” I’ve seen too many sistahs with fired, burnt, greased down, crispy, stiff hair!
No grease!!! Grease is like fast food for the scalp. If you have box braid you can wash it! Don’t comb your hair like your at war with your naps. Slow and gentle. You don’t always need a head scarf for slumber, the skin on your scalp is alive. let it breathe. Put expose it to only softer fabric pillow cases.
I grew up around alot of hispanic women with hair i envied. So having hair softner is like relief in a box.
All I can say is thank the good Lord I have Latino boys. Yes, their hair is crazy thick, but I can somehow manage to cut it without them having to wear a bag over their head for a month. I can’t manage my own wild curly Irish hair – I have no hair management genes whatsoever. A daughter of any race would be doomed living in my house
I believe that some who have posted responses to this wonderfully insightful and provocative story do not understand that this product was NOT created specifically for bi-racial children. Alberto Culver is, however, reaching out to parents of mixed kids and white parents of black children as one segment of the market that may have interest in purchasing the product. The writer is simply highlighting one portion of the company’s marketing strategy.
To all of the commenters, good luck with your babies’ beautiful hair. Managing black hair is not easy, nor is it for the faint of heart. Much time, patience and love must be dedicated to maintaing the glorious crowns of coils, naps, kinks and springs that we are so lucky to call our own.
I am a 26 year old black woman struggling with the issue of my natural hair. I am also in the military and often move around, so the different climates/humidity do not always allow the same effectiveness in the products I use to get certain desired results. Those products are just a good moisturizing conditioner and hair moisturizer, and my normal routine is to wash my hair every other day or whenever I feel like it. In some places, this works wonderfully and in others, my hair looks a dry, frizzy mess:). The more oilier products make my hair look the way I want it to but I hate all that build-up and greasy feeling. Gels flake and make my hair hard so prefer not to use those either.
I happened upon this article while considering to alter the natural state of my hair to make it more manageable and better fit into the guidelines of the military. Making the decision is causing an internal argument because it has been 4 years that I have allowed my hair to grow in its natural state and I am so worried that using one of these products will ruin it.
This article is BEAUTIFUL. I applaud the effort you all are making to help your children realize that “race” and the differences in all our appearances should not shape who these children become as people. I wish all mothers would do the same: white, black, purple, green…all of them.
My favorite line in the article is, “She is not beautiful DESPITE her curls; she is beautiful in part because of them.” Has me reconsidering the idea of altering the state of my naturally curly, slightly course hair; then again, I may decide to use the product afterall but this is something more for me to think about.
It is amazing how much something so simple as hair can cause so much controversy. For everyone that is being positive and trying to understand each other to diffuse misunderstandings and ignorances that occur because of perceived race, I wish you the best.
wow, the initial post is over a year old, and i was looking up something else and ran across this.
I’m african american. and i have a relaxer. as a matter of fact, i’m getting my hair done tomorrow! (yeeeeesssssss!).
i don’t knock people who don’t believe in the chemicals (white mommie or black), but i got a bit irritated with a few moms who made it as though having a relaxer was like sending her skinny kid to fat camp, and that the black community is imposing issues on their beautiful children.
and this talk of Corbin Bleu. i had no idea who the heck that was and i googled it;
it’s some kid actor with “good hair”!
i don’t know anything about having “good hair” (i hope i don’t offend any of the mommies on here), but i know what it’s like to be in desperate need of a perm (relaxer) and my stylist is booked for the next week!!! (don’t cry for me Argentina).
when i was a kid, i use to get my hair pressed by my grandmother (my mom isn’t all that good with pressing hair). i hated being still, and i hated the idea of making the wrong move meant a burnt scalp! (it’s just the heat)
i think i got my first perm around 10 or 11 ( i wore braids alot between 9 and then.
having a perm takes responsibility.
first, you can’t put that crap in every 6 weeks. you can put heat in your hair everyday (curling iron), and you have to basically take care of it (wrapping it, wearing the silk scarves, keeping it moisturize, etc).
if ya don’t, yeah, you’ll be bald!
as an adult, i still wear relaxers and get my hair retouched every 8 to 10 weeks. if i’m not at work or out and about, it stays wrapped. i don’t curl it ever,unless there is some event ( L.A/NY Fashion week- i work in the fashion industry).
about 3 years ago, i worked as a Salon and Day Spa manager, and the trend was natural hair. this was in humid Houston, TX!
i was criticized for not wanting to go natural.
look, i love being black, and i love who i am (i should, 5’2, 100 lbs, clear skin, great career, great family and friends. lol),
but i am NOT gonna try to maintain my nappy hair in those weather conditions, and i’m not gonna inconvience myself for the sake of another person feeling like i’m “black enough”.
i think it is silly to call JFM racist. (i do feel your feelings are valid), but come on.
as a business woman i understand that a business needs to market themselves, and diversify to reach their audience. at the end of the day, they just want white moms with black or bi-racial kids to spend money. maybe they went about it wrong. mind you, their core customer is not as oppose to putting chemicals in their childs hair as some of the white moms on here are.
and at the end of the day, i don’t think white moms should try to put a perm in their kid’s hair. if you want to do it, take the babe to a professional. and learn about how to care for relaxed hair. because there is nothing worst than being nappy headed, except being a chicken head! (lol)
and allowing your child to receice a perm doesn’t mean that they aren’t beautiful the way that they are.that’s crap, considering a good number if women dye their hair. does that mean mommy isn’t beautiful because she doesn’t like the grey at 37? or she stripes her hair blonde and she’s a natural brunette???
that’s just my opinion.
I have natural hair (so does everyone else in my household and many in my family) and I love it and don’t whish to change it only nurture and love it better. What you have written has said it all. I’m glad that you “get it” I just wish other people, African-American, mixed heritage, white, latino, and the like–could simply “get it” too.