Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
I was relieved to see your website. Thank you for being here!
I am a “white” woman married to a “black” man. I am 30 weeks pregnant with our first child, my second (I have a “white” child from a previous marriage) who is now 6. I stayed in the town we live in so my daughter would be exposed to all kinds of people – her kindergarten is so multicultural I think there is at least 2 of every race represented – and I love that.
My mother-in-law loves to talk about her short time spent as a member of the black panthers and she refuses to be called “African American”. She is “black”. My in-laws openly make racist comments about everyone, including blacks. My MIL’s most memorable comment was “gay people should be stoned to death.” I think you see my point…. She also loves to ignore my daughter and me as much as possible. Which is easy – they live 3 hours away. My husband’s work schedule is such that he can’t get weekends off to go visit them and they get angry.
Now, the baby is coming. I have 10 weeks left. Our friends, and my family are thrilled. My MIL and FIL have been monsters. They wanted to buy the nursery furniture which I was fine with – until my MIL chose something that was too big for me to use – I am only 5’1 and the crib had a fixed rail… anyway – my attempt to get her to go shopping with me, despite my saying if she had her heart set on it I’d make do, has turned into all-out war. She has now said that her friends wanted to throw a shower for her first grandchild – we know none of these people – and she has told people I have refused. No one asked me. She also told people “she refused the crib”, and has made comments about my husband “living in a lily-white world” and my favorite: “she’s a racist bitch,” meaning me. The last phone call was her telling my husband I was no longer welcome in her home – nor is my first daughter – and he is to bring her grandchild to visit her when she is born. I haven’t spoken a word but a simple conversation about a crib that I am too short for. She has openly admitted to being racist – and thinks that there is no problem with that – and her husband agrees.
So, I worry – all day, all night. My doctors are putting me on meds to help me through this, and to avoid stress causing a premature birth. I am scared. I wanted my daughter to know her heritage in a positive way. I think about the racism my in-laws will expose her to. I wonder how I can protect my child from that without cutting off my in-laws altogether. I worry that one day, my in-laws will tell my baby that it was all my fault. I don’t want her extended family to be just mine, all “white”. I wish I could adopt a black grandparent! I found myself apologizing to her as she wiggled in my belly last night – for bringing her into all of this, and telling her I will do my best to protect and prepare her.
So, I am at a loss. Is it better to cut ourselves off from such racist people or to allow them to see my daughter with my husband supervising? (He opts for the former at this time.)
Should I seek out biracial families for support in my area?
How on earth do I not worry about all of this? My research leads me more to racism againt blacks it seems – not much to find about “reverse racism” which I think is ridiculous – racism is racism.
I know this was long, but I need support from people who know where I’m coming from, and who can point me in the right direction.
And I thought the wedding drama was bad…..
Thank you!
From L&N’s Mom in Boston, MA
If you’re interested in submitting a question, please email us at team@loveisntenough.com and put “Ask Anti-Racist Parent” in the subject line.
Arrgghhh! What a tough spot to be in…
My vote is to adopt black grandparents!!! In other words, find good role models in your local community to counteract the in-laws!
Good luck.
You don’t have to put up with any of that. You need not tolerate anyone’s parents because of the ‘family obligation’ when they are openly hostile.
You might want to consider having your husband go into counseling to understand his relationship to his parents, himself and you. He is going to need to understand the force of character he will need to bring to the relationship in order to support and nurture you and your children.
He could probably use the psychic space found in the exploration with a counselor as well.
Truly,
Kim
In my opinion, it is not worth the damage to your children and stress to yourself to be around such toxic people. Too many people put up with atrocious behavior from a family member because “they’re family!”
I suggest you think about what the best-case scenario would be in maintaining a relationship with them and see if it’s worth it for you and *your* family.
Having anyone welcome one of my children but not another would be a deal-breaker for me. What lovely things will Grandma be telling your younger daughter about you, your older daughter, whites, other people, other races, etc.?
I think your idea to seek out other biracial families for support is a great one, regardless of your decision on the in-laws. Good luck!
As I’m concerned, the issues here really don’t have that much to do with
race or racism.
More dangerous to the development of her children than the in-law’s racism
is the DRAMA. Being involved in a family where there are “us” and “them”
categories, regardless of whether those categories are racially based, and
the two sides are continually involved in emotional warfare, does them a
disservice at least as harmful as raising them in a racist way.
Setting appropriate boundaries, e.g. “We are involved in family
relationships with people who treat us with respect and kindness” is the
best message parents can teach their kids about family. Would you want
your daughter to grow up and take emotional abuse from people? No. So
don’t take it yourself.
In laws who live 3 hours away aren’t going to have much influence on the
child if they see her a few times a year. They can preach racism to her
all day long during those visits and it won’t have much effect given that
all of society will be counteracting, all day, every day, the anti-white
messages they may be communicating during visits.
I used to be terrified that my black, Baptist inlaws would turn my kids
into Christians if the kids spent a lot of time going to church with them,
etc. during our visits. Now that my kids are 13, 10, 7 and 3, I can see
that the two weeks a year that the kids spend at the grandparent’s house
and attending their church and hearing their preacher grandfather preach,
have not had any effect on the kids’ religious beliefs at all. They just
see church as part of their grandparents’ lives, like golf and gardening
are part of their other grandparents’ lives.
Of course, my inlaws have respected my husband’s and my wishes that the
children not be preached to, etc., because they are civil people who
understand that parents have the right to raise their children as they see
fit, not as the grandparents see fit. If they didn’t feel that way, I
wouldn’t engage in drama with them, but neither would my kids be spending
a two weeks a year at their home. And that would be the granparents’ loss!
That being said, I see no point in doing ANY socializing with people who
want to engage in drama more than they want to engage in civil
relationships, so I would have no problem with just quietly refraining
from further involvement with them. I wouldn’t do drama, but just be
polite and at the same time not involved. And under no circumstances would
my husband take our kids to visit people who refuse to be polite to me–he
wouldn’t even want to. That isn’t a race issue, it is a marital issue, and
giving in to parents( who are behaving dramatically or selfishly) over a
wife is surely the path to divorce.
Furthermore, no mother in law “owns” the rights to have a baby shower, or
buy a crib, or see her grandchild, or anything else. Like all human
relationships, family relationships should be predicated on the basis of
appropriate behavior. It sounds like the problem here is less racism than
not having proper boundaries. My mom and sister in law are both white and
have the same problems with boundaries, and therefore the same kinds of
drama. If the wife was black, a black mother in law could either not like
her or feel judged by her for any number of other reasons and behave in
the same harmful way.
As for making sure that the child’ whole family isn’t just white folks, I
wouldn’t worry about that for a couple of years, because the child won’t
notice or categorize things that way for at least 3 years, by which things
may have calmed down if people refuse to engage in drama.
Even if the black grandparents choose not to be involved, there are
cousins, aunts, uncles who might feel differently, and they will count as
family, too. And, if all of those people are also not around to be part of
the child’s family, well, that is just that. At that time, both parents
can be involved in friendships and activities that make it so the child is
sufficiently and positively exposed to black people.
Peace, M
Thank you everyone for the great advice! Let me add one more.
L&N’s mom, a great way to connect with other mixed families is Swirl Inc’s Boston chapter: http://www.synthscribe.com/swirlboston/events.shtml
Swirl is a national non-profit that my former partner, New Demographic co-founder Jen Chau founded in 2000. They have regular dine-outs, playgroups, etc. It’s a really vibrant community.
Hope that helps!
Heyyy! I didn’t know about that!
If you remove race from the picture, you have my in-laws! Toxic is toxic! After the shock of hearing what they say (or silently ‘not’ say), you will slowly start to realize that you don’t have to listen, you don’t have to respond, and you don’t have to counteract it.
Establishing good and firm boundaries will allow you to have some interactions and ‘comments’ limited. The most important thing is getting your husband on board because he’s the main point of contact. His support of you and your marriage will solidify your boundaries. Things like “…sorry mom and dad, I will not be visiting with the kids by myself, but we are more than happy to have you here…” will show them that he stands beside you without trying to “pick sides”. Establishing boundaries should not be combative – it defeats the purpose.
At the end of the day, you just have to keep doing what you’re doing – love your family.
Patricia – Arrrgh! is right…. and I think I may persue “extended family” which may balance things a bit.
My Italian Aunt told me stories of “the old country” while I spent time with her – language, cooking, artistry, it meant so much to me. I’d love my girls to have that experience as well.
Maybe carmen’s “swirl” suggestion may lead me there – thank you both!
Thank you Julia…
Yes my husband has just agreed to go with me to counselling – we will start soon. He doesn’t want to go alone where this is way deeper for him than me. I am hoping we can find a way to ease the pain of letting go of ‘family obligation’ .
Mia –
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. YES – DRAMA is really where it’s at. And I suppose I should focus on that. I thought I could deal with the drama – which is creating an environment where civility is an impossibility. Where I do not engage in the drama, the racism is so intense with them it is hard to ignore. There has NEVER been a conversation, or meeting where a racist or biggotted comment has not been made. She does not make the to me in my presence however – which is where the drama comes in – she saves that to torture my husband.
BOUNDARIES… Very good point. They have none and will not accept any except boundaries THEY set. In the last few moths we have been told not to call them, not to see them, they will not do this, that – and it all returns to your first point – DRAMA.
Again, you are very right in the removal of racism from the issue. Myhusband is a victim of abuse and it continues here, although the abuse has morphed into insulting his wife and lifestyle. although he does standby me and his step daughter gallantly, he will allow his mother her “opinions” and what I consider her verbal abuse where there are no boundaries, try as he may to set them.
“We are involved in family
relationships with people who treat us with respect and kindness” So well said. Thank you – and thank you for sharing your family story – It gives me strength to see the possibilities.
Kawil –
Thanks for your additions… and your final words “love your family” is what I hold dear. I grew up with over 85 first cousins – well over 130 cousins in all – and I can name most of them! I saw the Italian and Irish cousins at different family gatherings. I believe that family is so important and enriching – which is why this issue pains me.
My husband too has a large family who he does not associate because of how HIS grandmother treated HIS parents – yes, a pattern is forming. I wonder sometimes if my treatment is all my MIL knows – but I will not accept the “she doesn’t know better” attitude.
While this has been escalating my Mother called my husband – she told him how SHE loved him, and how she and my step-father see him as a son and they will be there to support him as parents should he ever need them. I, as everyone I think, have had my issues with my Mom, but that phone call gave me the strength to hold on to the love of family and hopefully the strenth to stand up for my own.
Thanks for the reminder..
Thank you all for responding once again. I suppose I should not focus on my in-law dysfunction and more on being pro-active about learning to be a better parent for a biracial child. The “love of family” is where it’s at – and I love my husband & daughters so much already I know I’ll be OK in that department! I just hope I can expose both of my daughters to enough culture so that they can be strong confident women, and hopefully, in turn, better Mothers as well.
Peace to all….
One more comment — therapy will be very helpful to your husband. When we came home with our daughter adopted from China — my MIL (herself born in China) refused to have anything to do with her. Yet she continued to call and send things to my two biracial bio sons. My husband just kept repeating to her that she could not treat the children differently and if she did we would not see her or include her in our family. He also kept sending the gifts just for the boys back (without them knowing, clearly). It was hard for him. He wanted to make excuses (old school, cultural etc) But he did it and she got the message. It took a year. You and your husband are in charge of protecting your children. You DO NOT owe in-laws anything unless you and your children are respected. Good luck!
DS-L
Everyone’s advice feels dead-on to me – you took all my favorite talking points
L&N’s Mom, I applaud you for working to deal with these issues, and I’m not surprised to hear that “race” is just the tip of the family issues iceberg. Please let us know how therapy goes and how your family puts it into action.
Just one thing to add: consider the concept of “chosen” family. Many people who come from difficult or dysfunctional bio families are familiar with finding and giving our support in nontraditional ways. I have a network of people that I am blessed to call family and part of the clan, and I know they feel the same. As a result, my daughter has more uncles and aunts that this “only child” could have ever imagined.
My daughter will also know and love a more diverse group of people than her bio family could provide, thanks to those aunties and uncles. It can only help her navigate the world as an adult.
DS-L
Does your MIL still keep in contact after all of that? I often wonder what gets into people’s heads that make them choose one child over another – it doesn’t make sense to me at all.
Lyonside –
Thankyou – yes, a “chosen” family is a good thing! My best friend’s kids tell people my daughter is their cousin – and I have learned that “family” means so much more than being a relative. I just hope I have an oportunity in the future to foster a relationship with more families of diversity to add to both of my daughter’s lives.
She does, but it is clear she has her own issues of internalized racism — recent comments “she (my daughter) is not beautiful, just regular Chinese” “She has a big Chinese nose” “she is like the red guard.” My husband had to step back up to the plate and make it clear negative comments are not permitted! Argh.
DS-L
My heart REALLY goes out to you. I am originally from Boston and I am blessed to not have those issues on either side of my family. I am a black woman married to a white man whose mother is also married to a white man and have two younger sister that are 1/2 Irish.
However, when I came down South to go to school and eventually settle with my husband and two children, I did and continue to encounter people just like your MIL. I REFUSE to expose my children to them, even if that means there is a larger amount of white vs. black people in their lives. I saw everyday in school, at one of the most prestigious HBCs in the county, the emotional scars on people raised in families like the one you desribed and trust me, it IS NOT pretty.
I have not doubt, if it was the other way around, you were black and your husband white, there would be no discussion about whether or not oour children woud be involved with the In Laws.
Love your children, love your husband and show them a world where poeple see color but do not judge or discriminate or focus on it as the most important part of one’s being. That’s all you can do.
BTW….the Boys and Girls Club in Chelsea, my hometown, is run by Bob Kraft’s son and has great programs where your kids will definately be exposed to all types of children. One of my sister’s has been there since she was a child and now works for them and has had the opportunity to travel the country with a leadership group for other minority /mixed children. Good Luck an God Bless.
DS-L –
OMG…. that is terrible – she’s not beautiful? Wow – I’m floored. That is what I worry about – my MIL comenting on how light my daughter may be. I often wonder if my in-laws decide to come around – and IF I want them to – how they will treat my daughter if she is light skinned… no child needs a grandparent making remarks on their appearance.
I’m glad your husband is there for you – I just hope if it comes to that my husband or I can handle it as you are.
thanks -
StPatjack –
Thank you so much! Reading your post made me feel like hearing from family for some reason – I appreciate that so much. I am West of Boston, not too close to Chelsea – but the Boys and Girls program is a good suggestion – there is a rather large club in my town that is extremely bi-everything!
At one point my in-laws wanted us to move to Georgia (they plan to move there soon) and I wondered if non-acceptance of bi-racial couples is worse/same or better down there.
Can you move back up here and be my “adopted in-laws”? maybe send your sister my way? haha… it’s funny you mentioned if it were “the other way around”… My mother is SO excited about having a biracial grandchild I think my siblings may get offended for their children! My Mom keeps talking about how she can’t wait to see what this baby looks like, and all of my cousins are already raving about how beautiful biracial children are… I just hope my 6 year old doesn’t get left out!
I hope that when our children are older the world is more accepting, as you so eloquently put it: “a world where poeple see color but do not judge or discriminate or focus on it as the most important part of one’s being”.
I do love my husband – and I do love my children – even the one who is kicking me like crazy right now! And I will contnue to focus on that –
Thankyou so much. Blessings to you and your family as well!
StPatjack
“I have not doubt, if it was the other way around, you were black and your husband white, there would be no discussion about whether or not oour children woud be involved with the In Laws.”
Could you tell me what this means? I have read and re-read, and don’t know how the sense of inevitability gets to be’ the given’ in this instance.
Also, I finally got…YOUR mom is married to a White guy, giving YOU two 1/2 Irish siblings, yes?
I’m not sure if anyone will see this, but my daughter is now 4 months old. She is happy and beautiful. People stop and admire her and her big sister often. She has a family who loves her dearly and my Husband is a fantastic father. His parents have not met her. According to them we are no longer their family. I have come to realize that no matter what my racial profile is, they would still be difficult where I think there is more mental instability than racism at hand here. The hardest part is that my husband’s younger brother is not speaking to us either. We assume his Mother told him things which are not true. My husband has been struggling with the loss of his entire family over the birth of his child – how sad.
I struggle to keep it in my mind that this is not a racial issue. It is so easy to slip into stereotypes I’m embarrassed to say. That sounds horrible I know – but I am trying to be honest and learn from it. I’ve had a negative reception in the black community for the most part. Sometimes I need to remember the mental part when it comes to my in-laws. My FIL sent me the most hateful email when my baby was 10 days old. It mentioned the word “dysfunctional” as if we created the dysfunction, which is untrue – it had been there throughout my husband’s childhood. A white friend of mine made a comment that their racist comments were supportive of black stereotypes… I questioned that, and after a long debate she changed her mind. They are not representative of all people of any race or creed. However her comments opened my eyes to racism in a new way. I suppose I am learning, as I should – to better understand the human element, racism’s evolution, and my family’s future.
I will be looking to get involved with Swirl, and hopefully learn more about myself, my family and the community around me. I find myself paying more attention to the people walking by, driving by, in my children’s classrooms. I hope that they will all remain “people” to my girls and not fall into categories someday.
I love my husband dearly, my children without end, and I hope that is enough to sustain me through the difficult times. Now if I could just figure out what boxes to check off on the forms for my daughter…. She is more than one box on a form – aren’t we all??
Thank you for taking the time out for me.
L & M’s very, very proud Mommy.