by Carmen Van Kerckhove
Here’s a real-life Choose Your Own Adventure experience.
You and your child are standing in the checkout line at the supermarket, when all of a sudden you encounter…
a) The Interrogator
“Is that your child? Is she adopted? Where did you get her from?”
b) The Superficialist
“He’s so exotic! I’ve always thought that black/Asian/biracial/Latino children were the most beautiful children of all. He’s gonna be a little heartbreaker! You’d better watch out!”
c) The Pollyanna
“I just want to say how beautiful this is. This is really the future. If we all keep adopting and mixing, very soon there will be no racism! Your child is like a bridge between cultures – it’s wonderful!”
d) The Hands-On Type
“Can I touch her hair?”
e) The Silent Starer
This person doesn’t utter a word, but simply stares at both of you.
Certainly, parents of transracially/internationally adopted and/or mixed race kids probably experience situations like these a lot. But all parents have to deal with unwelcome remarks from strangers from time to time.
How do you handle it? Have you come up with any good one-liners you can share with us? 
With 7 kids, I get asked dumb questions alot… mainly “Are they all yours?” But with one who is obviously adopted now, I have been asked several times “Which ones are real?” The other day someone asked that and I pretended to pinch each and say “Um… this one is real, this one is real, this one is real…” This person was quiet very quickly.
We don’t get that many comments. I think this is due to my very clear “do not approach us” body language. If I notice someone eyeing my kids, I quickly turn my back to them and avoid eye contact. This doesn’t stop everyone, but it does help create a barrier.
The the few who ignore the body language, I am partial to a long, blank stare (the fisheye). Then I will say something like, “Wow, What a personal question!” and refuse to answer.
welcome to my life on a daily basis.
I really have to rehearse some GOOD ones, because in the moment? I’m always just in shock that someone can be so bold as to comment like that. I usually reply – “Yes, she’s adopted.” When LATER, I think of a response like: “Are YOU adopted?”
One time, I actually DID cut off an ass-wipe comnmentator, who asked where my beautiful black baby was from. I said: “China.”
Denise – I think my response to “which ones are real” I would have either said ‘which what?” or looked down to my breasts and said “the right one – the left one is imaginary” People are so dumb sometimes…
Shelli – the “China” comment killed me.
My biracial daughter is due in 7 weeks so I may have to start rehearsing. Maybe when people ask “is she yours?” I’ll just say “no – I found her at the playground”
I’m lucky to live in a town that is quite diverse, but outside of town people stare at my husband and I – so I’ll have to brush up on my comebacks!
“China!” I love it.
I get it from even long-time acquaintances, about my own lineage. I tell them *I’m* from China (well, at least my father is), and the particularly dumb ones say, “Oh, yeah, that makes sense, your name is Kim, and Kim is a big Chinese name….on and on.” Really.
“The one on the left is imaginary.” I’m definitely loving that.
I’ve always wondered what a body stance that says, ‘do not approach,’ is backed up with, internally. How do you do that? Is it physically exhausting?
I think Amber’s idea is probably the best one
to protect the privacy of her family and to
prevent the public from treating the children
as if they are exotic animals in a zoo.
The children are hearing these questions
and learning a lot by how we respond. And
there is the real problem of how our children
interpret the questions.
I think there is a huge difference between
secrecy and privacy.
To questions about my youngest (or either of my kids for that matter) I usaully respond “what’s it to ya?” If they really are interested, they may follow up, and I can guage how I want to respond. If they are put off by that, then I don’t have to think about it any more.
Sometimes if I am asked about the reality thing, I will respond, “well she ain’t imaginary is she?”
When someone remarks on my youngest (adopted from Kazakhstan) regarding how exotic, beautful etc, she is, I will usually say that yes, both my kids are.
The more difficult ones I have are the idiot family members who insist that my youngest is a “black eyed devil”. They just don’t get how that is tough for her or me.
When asked where my daughter got her big brown eyes, her dark hair, etc, etc, I have started replying, “The UPS man. What can brown do for YOU?”
Hey, Jess…
I used to say that to my husband! (Turns out it made him a little upset. Go figure.)
Kathy…did I miss a comment from Amber? Was that the click-through? (I’ll go check.)
We’ve never encountered the Interrogator. The only thing close to the Superficialist that I’m aware of was a comment about how mixed kids are beautiful from someone who was herself mixed and who was herself pregnant with a further mixed child. I don’t think that counts. I’ve never encountered a stranger saying the Pollyana thing to us, although I’ve seen people writing things like that in newspaper articles. The Hands-On Type isn’t going to be doing much with our kids, at least not in terms of hair (at least not in ways they wouldn’t do it with obviously white kids of obviously white parents). I’ve never really noticed any Silent Starer even. That’s even with two autistic kids who are constantly loud and boisterous in public.
I don’t want to minimize those who have encountered such people, and maybe some readers of this blog are much better placed to encounter people like this, but it’s just not the sort of thing that happens to us where we live (or even when traveling). Our oldest is now six, so this is from six years of having mixed children.
We do get people in line at the supermarket who don’t even consider the possibility that we’re together, even if the kid in my cart looks just like the kid in my wife’s. But we don’t get nosy, pushy people who have to comment on anything related to race. If anything, people will avoid the subject. The most we get is about how cute or beautiful the kids are. Perhaps they’re thinking some of this stuff, but no one says it. This is, after all, New York, where many seem to view it as intrusive and rude to say anything to a stranger, even a pleasant greeting.
I do think “if she can touch yours” is a snappy and appropriate response to the Hands-On Type.
It would be really fun to stare at the Starer, especially if the parts you’re staring at aren’t generally not appropriate to stare at. Or maybe you could stare at the side of their face or their feet or something to make them really nervous that something’s wrong there.
Sorry, that should be “are generally not appropriate”.
It’s probably because I am a 6′ 1″, and 280 pound black man, living in a rather diverse place, that no one has ever said anything like that to me or my daughter. Having said that, my not so tall and large wife has never had anything like that said to her either.
When people as “what is she?” I usually answer “A girl.” By the time they’ve recovered from wondering if I misunderstood or if I was being sarcastic I’m usually on my way the other direction. The first time I used this reply I was totally unaware of what they were actually asking and figured they were asking the usual “is it a boy or girl?” question. The persons stunned response was enough for me to keep using it.
Lately I’ve gotten a lot of responses about how we spell our son’s (Vietnamese) name. Something I never really saw coming. I usually just reply, “Well, that’s how the spell it in Vietnam” as a matter of fact as I can.
It still amazes me how some people feel the need to comment on things that are really none of their business.
The question I get the most is “Is that your daughter?”
And typically I get a big mushy smile and say “Yes, this is my daughter” and that usually makes the asker smile too. This is not a strategy at all, it’s just the automatic feeling I get about my daughter. She watches my face and usually winds up smiling too. That’s not to say it is easy for her to have our connection questioned. But at least it turns into an affirmation between us.
What bugs me is when people ask “what’s his nationality” when they want to know about my son’s ethnicity. I always say he’s American and they kind of stare, waiting for me to answer their implied question. Technically, my kids are Dutch-American (dual citizenship) so if I told people that they might think that the brown skin comes from his Dutch side.
Ha.
Well, in Sweden we do encounter the same comments!! I usually answer “Why do you want to know that?” to most of the questions. I approach the hands-on-types by touching their hair and commenting it to my kids. They stop right away!
I think the starers are the most problematic, especially when they are kids. I know my oldest girl has a problem with that so I try to be observant and when someone stares I just ask them if there is something they want, or I just tell them that it is impolite to stare. My girl does react in a positive way about this.
I may add that we live in a quite ethnically mixed area of Stockholm.
“It’s probably because I am a 6? 1?, and 280 pound black man…”
That is so loaded.
Me, personally? I usually just give a straight answer and cut through the B.S. But, this story is the greatest:
My husband’s friend is from Canada but his heritage is from the country of India. They’re sitting at a bar, and someone makes a comment to him to the tune of “damn foriegners.” And the friend says, “What? You’ve got something against Canadians?”
With interrogators, I always put on my best Miss Manners demeanor and respond with “Why do you ask?” Because you know, sometimes people have good reasons for asking, but awkward ways of asking.
Sometimes I remember to try to model appropriate language. For example, if people ask me “what nationality” my kids are, I’ll ask them if they mean what ethnicity they are. Or if they ask me what I know about the “real parents,” I ask if they mean birth parents.
I do feel like we need to be careful about putting up walls and refusing to discuss adoption and race when people ask in good faith. It can send the wrong message to our kids.
I have different kinds of answers for questions I get about my three bio kids who all have different complexions and hair textures.
But as a general rule, I ignore the starers and try to keep the interaction light-hearted and pleasant with those who feel the need to comment. Usually people are just curious (and haven’t we all been on different occasions about the story of people’s families)?
Most of all, I don’t act as if there is anything to be embarrassed by or ashamed of, because there isn’t. Sometimes, if a person says something about one “looking white” and one “looking black”, I say something like, “Isn’t it so amazing? It’s such a reminder of how we’re all just members of the human family.”
And then I push my cart away smiling, trying not to curse them out under my breath. It would break their ignorant little hearts if I began explaining how culture and ethnicity are real, but race doesn’t actually exist.
I get tired thinking back to the days when unwelcome comments came too frequently. That happened most often when our children were very young – toddlers, pre-school age. And my initial approach was that of the educator – correcting “non-PC” language, offering facts and objective information. But that got old fast, and I became less and less willing to educate the world. So my children and I developed a pretty good suite of antennae that were able to spot a potential intruder before they had a chance to intrude. And frankly, we’ve been happier with that approach. For even when commenters avoid personal questions, the intrusion itself is unwelcome. Self-serving, to be sure, but it works for us.
“… developed a pretty good suite of antennae…”
Sweet.
Kim…. loaded? How so? I certainly didn’t intend any sort of loeaded response.
Gunfighter:
Ever notice the way we can infuse ‘Black’ into a statement, and immediately make an impression which says, 1)’Homey don’t play that’, or 2)Girrrl, you know I don’t take no mess…?
It happens even without a full intent, though I contend that you are conscious of the impression and perception many have of you, just by your mentioning not only your girth and height, but by preceding those characteristics with your racial identification.
There are two things at work here: 1) The Bogeyman effect, and 2)Hulk effect.
The first sometimes works for the Black man, as is what I am gleaning is the undertone in your comment. Sometimes it works against him, as I will suggest I think you also know.
The second extends to you a general social privilege that taller males have, and that can be said to apply to men in general: approach with a modicum of respect.
While I find neither to be off-putting, and would approach if I felt the impulse, I’ve heard it too many times before to think it benign.
And that’s not charging you with anything(really), but is a comment on how I received the statement, especially when placed in the context of the comments which preceded yours.
e) The Silent Starer
This person doesn’t utter a word, but simply stares at both of you.,
I am guilty of staring a bit at biracials but its just me being happy that another biracial person out there, believe it or not i get the stares still, when i was little in school the kid’s moms would WANT MY HAIR! lol, i dont kno what the intrigue was but then again it was the early 90s, and then vice versa, at 21 i get the occasional stare of mistreatment at completer random. If i were to have multiracial children who happened to b lighter than me any comment they make at my kids is a jab at me and i’d respond to them honestly to make them think twice about what they ask a parent of mixed race children. (that is if the comment is hurtful)
Our daughter is 5, my husband is black/medium to dark complextion and I’m white… really white, translucent even, lol. Our daughter is the spitting image of her father’s face but she is white. She’s gorgeous, I’m not just bragging, people say it all the time, but…. we always get stared at if we’re all together, or it’s just him and her, stares abound. If it’s just me and her, nothing, no stares.
You have to get used to it, it will never stop and people will never be OK w/”it”. We live in a moderate sized city and in a predominantly black neighborhood, so people will look but not really stare. When we’re out of the city people staaaaaare. it makes me mad, our daughter doesn’t see it yet thankfully but I have found myself purposely staring back or just simply asking the person “do have a question?”, of course w/an inflection of sarcasm and bitchyness.
People just need to be themselves and mind their own business. It’s not the person in line behind me’s business, to know if my kid belongs to the man standing next to me or if i’m just a you know what?…. most willknow where I was going w/that.
Be you, let your kids be themselves, protect, educate and teach them. They will be fine, it’s the people who stare who won’t be.
The Hands-On type (or Touchy-Feely type) is always fun. It’s amazing the look of shock when you reply “if I [or child] can touch it first”. I do believe that the parents’ response sets the tone for your kid – adopted or otherwise. I really struggle with the blocking body language response. I usually try to induce a little humor into the response.
Being adopted and always knowing it, it is amazing the questions folks have. My favorite was “Do you know your real parents?”. I always answered “yes”. And let the silence linger.
Most people don’t mean much, they’re just ignorant. I try to respond in such a way that defends my family, injects a little humor, and exposes their ignorance with a little education without giving away any privacy.
It’s not always easy, though!
I have 6 yr. old twin girls that are NativeAmerican/Mexican and White.
When people stare for too long, I tell them to stop. Riding the train or bus in Boston, MA, ( even 5 different bus drivers have asked me if our daughters are mine) tends to test me. I try hard not to respond too strongly because I don’t want our daughters to have a chip on their shoulders but I don’t want them to feel they need to justify who they are too. Tell strangers who ask you if they are yours, “well they certianly not yours. We hope to move to the New Mexico next year.