by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Ji In, originally published at Twice the Rice
Some months ago, I was quoted in a newsletter article about an adult adoptee panel I participated in last summer, regarding the importance of adoptive parents helping transracially adopted children make connections to their heritage and birth culture. I just came across the article recently for the first time, and as I read part of my quote, I had to wonder if what I said about “persisting [to encourage cultural connections] if children resist” came out the wrong way.
I hope that all those newsletter readers and panel audience members out there don’t think I make a habit of advising adoptive parents to drag their kids kicking and screaming into the Indian restaurant to tube-feed them curry, or otherwise thrust cultural interaction upon their wildly flailing children. Obviously, if your kid is howling like a banshee until she barfs up her rice cakes at the Chuseok picnic, she isn’t going to get much out of the experience.
I think it’s important to let adoptees ultimately determine their own comfort zone, both developmentally as children and as adults — and everywhere in between.
At the same time, I believe it’s up to parents to introduce cultural connections to young adoptees early on, and to see that the kids have a variety of mentors and role models — people of color, people of their shared heritage, older transracial adoptees — in a way that’s presented as the norm, rather than as a way of underscoring how “special” they are to be adopted.
(I’ve never been sure what this accomplishes anyway — pushing the “special” agenda. I think it seems like overcompensation for some underlying insecurities, or a pre-emptive attempt to head off any chance of resentment on the adoptee’s part. Even though my parents favored equal treatment in our family, I would occasionally encounter somebody who tried to whip out the “You’re special/lucky to be chosen/different” routine when I was young. I thank those people for giving me the opportunity to perfect my blank stare, which continues to come in handy in bars and other bar-like scenarios.)
Parents of transracially adopted kids might not be able to teach their children about their identities and heritage firsthand, but they can help give their children the means to learn about it through “firsthand” sources.
Many of my fellow transracially adopted friends and I have frequently emphasized the importance of having appropriate role models in young adoptees’ lives, and living in racially diverse communities or in neighborhoods that reflect their ethnicity. I strongly feel that it’s not enough to just know that racial diversity exists … somewhere else. I think young transracial adoptees need to see it for themselves, on a regular, normal basis, to better make the connection between “seeing race” in others, and seeing it in themselves.
Transracial adoptees need live-action examples, not just storybook characters and tales of faraway places where people look like them. Culture and race aren’t things that should be visited only on special occasions, or tried on as costumes that are then folded back up and stored behind glass — literally or figuratively.
Cultural connection doesn’t need to be a “special occasion,” at all, nor does it need to involve traditional dress or folk festivals to be considered “culture.” In fact, when I was growing up, it was Korean traditional folk culture that I was most familiar with — through storybooks and folk tales. It was an understanding of contemporary Korean culture and a comfort level and sense of ownership of the Asian-American community that I struggled to come by in adulthood. Practical skills (that shouldn’t even qualify as “skills!”) such as sitting down at a table full of Korean cuisine and knowing what I was looking at, being able to confidently approach another Asian person without having palpitations, and knowing how to handle racist comments eluded me.
Children can develop these “practical skills” long before they turn into unscalable moutains. How about: choosing schools and classes with teachers and fellow students of color; choosing babysitters who share their ethnic background; enrolling in ethnic dance, art and music classes; enrolling in language school; integrating ethnic cuisines at home in addition to visiting restaurants; choosing doctors and other professionals of color; traveling.
Making the connection might involve uncomfortable moments — both for the child and the parent. But if the parent finds making cultural connections uncomfortable mostly for herself or himself, it’s not fair to the child to quit on the first or second try. As a transracially adopted person, the adoptee has already inherited a lifetime supply of uncomfortable situations. Being adopted was not the adoptee’s choice, but that of the parents.
Adoptive parents have the ability, however, to make another very powerful choice: Choose to feel uncomfortable now, and perhaps help spare their children a world of discomfort later on. At the very least, making this choice will help equip your children with the self-awareness that will serve as a foundation for many years to come. After all, isn’t this supposed to be about what’s best for the child?
And if you’ve started late, and the young adoptee resists, I do believe it’s wise to try again — maybe not that day or the next day, but again, nonetheless. If you give up after one or two tries, it’s almost as if you’re admitting that cultural connections and heritage aren’t important enough to merit a repeat performance. If it’s not worth it to you, it will have very little worth in your child’s eyes.
Children learn and absorb so much through the spoken and unspoken cues their parents give. If they see that their parents are uncomfortable or uninterested in weaving their heritage into the family fabric, and weaving the family into the greater (Asian-American/African-American/Latin-American) community, why would they feel any differently?
I’m aware that this borders dangerously on that dreaded “advice,”which I often recoil from giving. But in the interest of fair representation and for my younger TRA sisters and brothers, I felt that it was important to make this clarification. After all, this isn’t so much about “advice” as it is about practicality.
Adoptive parents and adult transracial adoptees, what ideas do you have for making cultural connections the norm, rather than the exception?
Ji In is a writer, editor and adult transracial adoptee living on the Hawaiian island of O’ahu. She was born in Seoul, South Korea, in 1976 and joined her adoptive family in the United States that same year. Ji In blogs about transracial and intercountry adoption, cultural identity and race consciousness at Twice the Rice.
This is great, thanks for so much good advice!
The one thing I would add is that if you are adopting an older child… they may go through stages of resisting. My son arrived at almost 9 years old from Haiti. I was so proud of myself for learning Creole, and speaking only Creole to him at home while he was learning English, cooking Haitian meals, reading books about Haiti to him, having many photo albums around for him, and immersing him in the local Haitian community. Initially, this was great, and really helped his comfort level while adjusting. But after settling into our family, his school and the larger community, he began to turn his back on all things Haitain. He refused to speak Creole, insisting that he had “forgotten” it all, and wanted no part of even talking about Haiti. At first I was upset, as I dodn’t want him to ‘lose’ such a big part of who he is. But eventually I relaxed, and let him lead the way. He has been here a little over a year now, and he is starting to quiz me on my Creole now. He has been bringing some of his Haitian books and his Haitian drum to school for show and tell, and talking a lot more about his first home.
My take on all this is that he had to establish himself here, and start to feel comfortable and secure in his new life here in America before he could again embrace his past. It must be so difficult for older kids to try and “fit in”. I could understand why he might have wanted to ‘forget’ his past for a bit while he tried to figure out his present and future life.
Sometimes it is a fine line to walk, wanting to help them adjust and fit in, while also wanting to help them remember who they are, and build that pride. I would love to hear from TRAs who were older at the time of their adoption.
Great article, Ji In.
Great points in your comments, Denise.
Great post. Thanks!
This is advice worth giving, so thank you. I’m a pre-adoptive parent and this is something I’ve been thinking about a whole lot.
I’ve been thinking about the fact that while our child may resist activities related to her birthculture at a younger age, she may well become very interested as a teen or young adult as she is really grappling with her identity. I feel I owe it to the adult that my child will become to make her birthculture and multi-culturalism in general a part of our normal, everyday life – even if this means I have to be persistent at times. What you are saying reinforces this for me.
This is great … thanks. We tried a lot of cultural programs while our first son (who is African American) was a baby and of course he got nothing out of it. Now we live in a smaller but more diverse community than we did then, and those programs are less available but also less necessary. I was secretly delighted last night when I picked the same son up from his after-school program to see him playing with two other African-American boys. I’m just so glad those peer relationships are available for him where we live now, because I know there are certain things I just can’t give him.
I also think it’s valuable to seek and establish relationships with people from many cultures, not just your kids’ birth heritage. It says a lot about acceptance and expectations of how we treat other people. I feel really lucky, for example, that we found a great pediatrician of East Indian descent and go to church with a lot of Hispanic people. My hope is that my kids will see those relationships and fit them into their perception of how we value cultural diversity, including the diversity within our family.
Thanks, folks, and big thanks, Denise, for your great comment. I do think it’s very natural, and to be expected, that adoptees will resist or turn their backs on their birth cultures at some point, some more vigorously than others. Kids want to fit in with their peers, after all, and not all kids like feeling “special” or “different” or what have you. Your son probably knew that because you’d already demonstrated your commitment to integrating Haitian culture and Creole into your normal, everyday lives, that he could “come back” to it when he felt ready. That’s what it’s all about.
Oops, posted my comment before I saw yours, Ana. I agree; it’s invaluable to encourage and embrace interactions with people of all kinds of backgrounds — not your child’s own heritage exclusively. It’s incredibly validating and reassuring to live in a community where people of color aren’t merely tokenized as the liquor store owner or the dry cleaner. I wish diversity could be the rule, rather than the exception, for all adoptive families’ communities.
Of course to make cultural connections back to the adoptee’s birth culture, I do think it’s especially important that her or his own heritage be reflected in the community and in her/his relationships.
Brava! (clapping wildly!) BRAVA!!!
What a thoughtful and precise article you have written here. I think this should be mandatory reading for every potential adoptive parent considering an international adoption of any sort.
I for one, will be posting this link on my own blog with due haste!
Aside from spending time with our Asian friends, finding an Asian pediatrician, etc. I like to incorporate even little things from my daughter’s culture. Her hair was sticking up and not thick enough for our friends. They told me I needed to wash it with ginger water. I didn’t have much faith in it, but we did it anyway so we can share this little tidbit with her later (I did opt out of shaving her head again though). Thanks for the article.
Excellent post, Ji-In. Thanks for elaborating.
My first thought on the matter is related only in a rather round-about way, I guess: I think for APs, we need to start at the very basic level with acknowledging the importance of our children’s tangible and intangible connections with their first/bio families and their first/birth culture. There is a lot of defensiveness in certain circles regarding our family structures (which mom is the “real” mom, for one example), and until we can get over that superiority complex and love our children for the whole of who they are, completely accepting that they existed before we came along and have very real connections that don’t involve us directly, we won’t be successful at sending the message that they should (and that we do) value their birth culture.
Ji-in, thank y0u for this post. As an a-parent who is stumbling my way through Mandarin classes with my daughter, (as well as stumbling my way through the local grocer looking for the ingredients to make pork dumplings!), I often get disheartened by the lack of interest and support of the ideas you propose by some of the a-parents around me. It’s posts like this that keep me forging ahead, regardless of who tells me that their daughters can “do that cultural stuff if they want when they’re older” as they (the parents) know nothing of their daughter’s culture and therefore simply cannot (will not) introduce it to them.
I also agree with you, Zoe. As an AP one must love and value the whole of the child, which includes their first/bio mothers and fathers (and brothers and sisters) as well as their birth culture.
Hi- I came across your article on KAAN. I am a 34 year old mother of a beautiful two-year old boy who was adopted from Korea. My husband and I are in the process of adopting another child from Korea. Beyond what you have already expressed in your article, would you mind sharing any additional advice that would be beneficial to adoptive parents?
Thank you. From another Midwest woman.
Your article really hit home for me. I am the 48 yo mother of biological brothers from Korea, ages 3 and 5. Just this summer I am taking my 5yo to a trial Tae Kwon Do course in which I find myself out of my comfort zone on a number of levels but feel the exposure to Korean martial arts, language and Asian culture is invaluable to him. I guess one comment I would add is that, like any relationship, a cross cultural needs to have a basis in genuine friendship, commonality, and like or it will not go far.