Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
I need help finding out how to battle racist in-laws when we are adopting a child of a different race and I am so flabbergasted by the comments that come from their mouths.
We went to the flea market with them and on the way home we stopped at a buffet, and… his mom says she wants to sit next to the drinks, and his dad says he wants to sit next to the blacks.
My jaw dropped, and I ignored his attempt at backpedalling about the cute little black girls with the pigtails.
I seriously can not believe it. Once he told me a restaurant was dark. It meant a lot of black people and hispanics. I had no idea what to say, i was so shocked. And the time he was going on his first date with MIL his friend asked, “are you picking up a polack or a darkie?” I AM POLISH and darkie is so offensive.
I will have a child soon. They know this is unacceptable, but I need to have a stock answer ready. Everytime it is a new comment blowing me out of the water.
What resources are there?
From Alyssa in CT
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Speak up if it bothers you OR keep your child(ren) away from them if you can’t.
My first advice is to have any kind of really generic stock response ready such as:
“What you said is offensive and racist. Think about what you said and don’t do it again.”
Everyone would like to have a snappy comeback. Something that convinces them to stop, that shows them the error of their ways. The reality is that unless you have the knowledge of a sociology professor combined with the articulateness of a stand-up comic, you’re usually going to fail horribly and end up sputtering.
Don’t set yourself up for failure. Use a stock response, then disengage or leave the situation, sending a written or phone message later explaining your position and giving any necessary ultimatums.
You are your own best resource. Think of this as practice for helping your child-to-be. Or think of it this way: as a white person who is anti racist, and especially as white parents of children of color, if we don’t call white people on their racism, who will?
I’m not sure you should confront your MIL, but I think you and your partner (husband?) need to talk long and hard about this. Is she or he willing to have a conversation with her? And then s/he should follow up with comments like, “We’d prefer it if you didn’t use that kind of language around us/our family.”
If your partner won’t say this to mom, then I think you need to consider carefully if you all are really ready to parent a child of color. Making the world a little bit easier for your child should be more important than not making your MIL uncomfortable. If you won’t stand up to racism on behalf of your child, who will?
This is faced by lots of parents, adoptive or not. It can be hard because often people don’t realize the bias that’s there until they’re forced to deal with it. Good for you for thinking ahead.
These are just suggestions and starting points:
1. Get your spouse involved – they’re his parents, and while he naturally wants to defend them and see them in the best light, you do not want to be the “bad guy.” If you both present a uniform front about what you will and will not tolerate around your family, then you have a way to start fresh with your in-laws.
2. Be direct about what offends you and why. Please remember that you don’t have to BE of a certain group to see the prejudice and object to it. Yes, you are soon to be a parent of a child from a different ethnic background – that probably helped raise your awareness? but don’t wait until then to speak up. You have as much right as anyone to be an ally. Don’t be afraid to say, “What did you mean by that?” or “What difference does the owner/clientele make?” or “Really, they don’t all think that way.” Make them backpedal so much that they’re forced to rethink their language.
3. There’s no one answer to racist/biased statements, and it’s up to you to decide whether the less direct remarks are worth a sarcastic reply, a big debate, a heartfelt hurt rebuttal, etc. It depends on their personality, your personality, tone, context, etc.
4. Try to see this as an educational opportunity. It may be that your in-laws are so used to making derogatory comments that they dont’ even realize they’re making them anymore. Call them on it, but try to give them the context. They’re going to get defensive, especially if they’ve rarely been challenged before. Prepare yourself for the “I didn’t mean it that way, I always use that term, you’re too sensitive” responses. If you have the facts to back up why “darkie” or another slur is a problem, it can shut them up (or at least make them uncertain enough to listen to themselves).
5. If all else fails, let them know that you will protect your child first and their feelings second, and that if they want to be part of your family’s life, they will need to accept you, your spouse, and your child as is, and keep their “jokes” to themselves.
boundaries.
“If you cannot be mindful and sensitive around your grandchild, then you won’t be around your grandchild.”
Plain and simple.
First of all, is that you in the picture holding the camera ? That lady is beautiful (I hope my wife doesn’t see this posting!) Anyway, my wife is black and I am white and I went through almost the same thing as you are going through right now. My mother is fairly open but my dad (and I think maybe my MIL) were a little irritated that we were dating. Actually, a lot irritated but they held it back a lot. I think the reasons were obvious to me, 1) my MIL grew up in Alabama (I think) were all the segregation stuff and riots was going on in the 60′s and she saw a lot of ugly coming from white people 2) my father’s side of the family is….well….Appalachian, enough said about that ? Point is, is that I think both of them were kind of ignorant in that they made assumptions about other people, not that they were necessarily racist. They were both somewhat apprehensive about us being together until our first was born and things changed for the better. He is a GOOD LOOKING kid and now we have a girl on the way and she is adorable even in the ultrasound pics! If you are black or adopt transracially, I’m sure that they are going to have rethink how they view other people. My family sure has and they are probably some of the worst and my wife’s family has more than accepted me although I do stand out at family gatherings (actually I stand out in front of a white wall : ) ) So, give it some time and don’t invest too many hard feelings into it and I bet they’ll come around.
This is hard. It happened to me recently with my own mother making some hurtful, racist statements in front of my husband and grown son. A lot of the time with my mom, regardless of the topic, I am just saying “mm hm” and not reacting because I know we won’t agree. That was my first response was in this case, until I looked up to find my husband and son looking at me, waiting for me to do something. So I did. I calmly told her why I disagreed – we discussed it – she became flustered and embarrassed and it was awkward and I hope she learned something. It was my responsibility to say something as her child and as a parent and as a white parent of children of color.
I tell this story to say that I think your partner needs to address it. When my little daughter came to us, I gave my mother a bunch of books about race and transracial adoption, not sure how much she read, but she got the message that I thought she needed to check her head before she could spend time with her new granddaughter. She really, really loves my daughter and has been very careful around her. I hope your in-laws will do the same.
Good suggestions above. The only thing I would add is that you and/or your husband need to begin to establish the boundaries NOW, before your child arrives, so that it won’t be a big shock when s/he does.
When your child is present, you don’t need to be having the first big conversations about this — you need to be saying, “That’s inappropriate” and removing him/her from the situation.
If you’re lucky, love for their new grandchild may get your in-laws to take another look at their attitudes. But you also need to be prepared for the possibility that they can’t or won’t do that, and decide on a course of action that will protect your child if that’s the case.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. You should be enjoying the excitement of all of this. I am due to have my daughter next Monday – she is biracial and my in-laws have been horrid. And this is their biological grand daughter so I THOUGHT they would cut me some slack – but my pregnancy has been stressful. I say this because it seems you can’t change people like this, and I have learned hoping they will change is a waste of our positive energy. There is a chance these grandparents – yours and mine – will come around once the children are here – and I hope they do.
For you – if you have some sort of communication with them – you can tell them that you aren’t telling them they are wrong or bad (even if you think otherwise) you would prefer they be careful of statements like that around the child where it can be hurtful to her/him. Let them know that you will correct them if they do – like others above have said – set the boundaries and expectations now.
but most of all Alyssa – welcome to motherhood. Children bring so much joy.
Some of my in-laws are racist. My FIL made a racist remark in front of our son a few months after our son arrived. We were on a family vacation, and my dh told his father off in front of all the relatives. No one has said anything racist since then. I think that the racist ones are still racist, but I think their attitude is “Your kids aren’t like those ‘other’ people because they are YOUR kids; they are being raised ‘right.’” I don’t like that attitude, either, but as long as they treat our children well (and they do), I can’t make it my personal crusade to make them not racist.
My FIL once told me that the doesn’t dislike black people specially … he dislikes ALL people. I think he wanted me to laugh, but I just said, “I don’t want to teach my kids to dislike anyone” and left the room. He still makes all kinds of political jokes that I don’t like, but he has laid off the racial ones.
I think much of the previous advice is very good, but I also noticed more “I’s” than “we’s” in the question, which leads me to believe that their may be some tension between the women who sent the question and her partner over how to deal with these questions. Moreover, this is his family of orientation, so he has a longer history and is probably closer to them. Given this, I think you should both try to get on the same page, but I think he should take the lead since he they would be less likely to reject him or his claims.
Now, my sense is that the two of you, as a couple are not ready to do this yet, either because you haven’t talked about it or don’t necessarily agree with each other. Is he as outraged as you are? If not, that’s the first issue to address.
I agree with all of the other commenters that this has to be addressed now, and this behavior is unacceptable whether you have a child of color or a white child.
Alyssa…
Rachel has said so much in her comment; I would ask that you give great consideration to any unspokens.
L&N’s Mom…
Hi, there. Best wishes to you, and glad to see you here giving advice to someone. You sound like you’re handling it.
i think you should look at the bright side. you have a parent who, unlike many white people, acknowledge their own discomfort with racial others. hopefully, they are a parent who have not thought through their own use of language and it’s potential negative power and not a parent who simply hates others. it sounds like the former.
in the case of the former, it is good the in law feels comfortable making slurs instead of (what i think is worse: just thinking them): it gives you ground for opening the sort of conversation that can not only tel your in law he’s inappropriate, but he’s given you an actual example to dissect in your own respectful response.
i lived a long time among inlaws who were ‘silent’ racists: who were never warm to me, who gave each other “looks” across tables. my own family stated their discomfort and we addressed it early on.
I put up with my in-law’s racism until my children were born.
I am Métis (French Canadian & Cree/Algonquin ancestry) my wife is French Canadian (even though her family would never admit any aboriginal bloodlines), and while I was delighted to see my ancestor’s native genes live within them, my in-laws were appalled at the two little dark skinned, black haired “sauvages” that were now part of the family.
I just fought fire with fire and went on a total offensive. I rediscovered my ancestral traditions and am teaching what little Ojibway I know and am trying to learn to my two kids. I explain to my kids (in the in-law’s presence) that many grown-ups are so insecure with themselves that they try to show their superiority by putting other people down.
Remaining silent with them was not an option. I became very verbal and advised them that either their racist views be kept to themselves or that they would not see the kids again.
When we adopted we were told of a couple that actually relinquished their 3 month old baby boy because their parents could not accept that he was African American. We were horrified and began to have very in depth conversations on what we would do if we faced such opposition to our family and child from family or friends. And the answer was simple- we would cut them out of our lives- we decided this, we meant it, and we did have to do it with some acquaintances. As a parent of an African American child, I believe that I am responsible for making sure that she is valued and accepted by those around her. I cannot control her experience with the outside world- I cannot even claim to know how what she will face BUT I can control those who are around her on a daily basis and who are considered family or friends. People who do not accept our family need not spend time with us- in fact, we will ensure that they don’t! If your in laws are really that much of a concern I think you need to think about whether trans racial adoption is the best thing for your family. It sounds like you may need to cut them out of your life and you need to be prepared to do that….