Deciding to talk about it
by guest contributor Tiffany Pridgen
As a child I was never specifically instructed on race or culture by anyone in my family, and I’m certain that is fairly unusual for someone from a family of color. The truth is, we just weren’t all that interesting as far as culture goes: the term “white bread” comes to mind. We were typical Southerners who attended Baptist church every Sunday (sometimes twice), and sometimes Wednesday for bible study (Jesus was all the culture we needed, apparently). My lessons were piecemeal, formed by my own infantile observations and born from a need to make sense of why groups of people always seemed to be so homogeneous. For instance, why weren’t there any white people at our church? I wish so much that I had learned from my family that there are bigoted jackasses in the world instead of having to encounter them without preparation.
I remember being four or five years old sitting on the floor in my bedroom with the contents of a Crayola 64 big box spread out on the carpet. I sat holding crayons up to my arm trying to see which shade I most closely resembled. I had been drawing pictures of my family and it dawned on me that people come in nuanced tones and that I needed to stop shading them in purple and green.
In a flash the figurative lightbulb clicked on over my head that THAT was what “black” and “white” meant. I held both shades up to my arm to judge which I should use for me in the drawing and couldn’t make either fit. The peach crayon came remarkably close to a colormatch, but wait – peach isn’t a skin color! The more I thought about it, the less it made sense. When applying the black crayon to my very dark-skinned grandmother, I was astounded to see she wasn’t black at all, either. Closer examination of the white crayon revealed that no [living] person could be that pale.
That self-taught lesson in color has always stuck with me: it’s all arbitrary. Standard skin colors (white, black, yellow, and red) are all extremes typically only seen in cariacatures.
Nobody ever talked to me about it. Everything I knew (and now know) about race came from outside of my home – the media, school history lessons, other kids… When I began to take notice of how people who are different keep themselves separate, I began to ask questions. It was almost a verboten topic of discussion and on the few occasions when I could extract a response it was typically something along the lines of “That’s just the way it is.”
Obviously there can be benefits to not burdening children with lessons on race: they won’t fear, condemn, or elevate other races (or their own) because they don’t know to. Since the subject was never discussed outright at home, it was years before I knew that loving someone who didn’t look like me was a decidedly taboo venture. In fact, my very first juvenile crush was Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice. My sister teased me relentlessly about this as she had opted for caution and crushed on Tubbs. I determined very early on what I was attracted to and those critera haven’t changed much since. I am, you see, married to a white man.
Because I had no preconceptions of what I should or should not consider desirable in a mate, I saw no reason to exclude other races from the dating pool. I had both black and white Barbies and Cabbage Patch dolls and as long as they still had hair that could be combed and hadn’t been thrown up onto the roof (destructive little brats, we were), I didn’t really prefer one color over the other.
My husband and I have discussed whether we’ll talk about race with our children at all and have decided on nothing. We could let them form their own impressions of the workings of society, however a part of me feels that would be irresponsible. I know from my own experiences that race is still a heavily-ingrained issue in American society: you can’t utter “black people” and “watermelon” in the same sentence without making someone blush. I should prepare them for that so that they will be both sensitive and vigilant.
I know that when my son is old enough to think critically about what he observes, he’s going to question why Momma is the only brown-skinned person in the room when we’re visiting with Dad’s family and vice versa when visiting with mine. No matter how comfortable I am with the situation, he’ll eventually query why there’s such a big difference at all.
I dread having the “race” conversation with him even more than the one I’ll have with him about sex when he’s a teenager (you can encourage a teenager not to sleep around, but it’s pretty damned hard to explain to a six-year-old why skin color is still an issue). How would that conversation go when I do decide to broach it? Will I lay out a selection of carefully selected library books on diversity and read them as bedtime stories, or will I take a more organic approach and guide him through situations as they occur?
I involve him in playgroups that have other mixed-race children (and not just black/white mixes) so that he will from infancy on view multiracialism as a normal condition. He also participates in playgroups where the children are racially cut-and-dried, and I realize that in life, in this century anyway, that will be a more likely scenario to encounter. Either way, by the time he’s old enough to use color as a way to describe a person, he will have seen that sometimes pink and brown makes yellow, pink and pink makes more pink, and different shades of brown blend to create new ones. I think that will make the conversation a little easier.
I don’t ever want my children to know that skin color is sometimes pepetuated by racist intention rather than simple genetic outcome, but can I be so cavalier as to not have that thoughtful discussion about it with them that my parents never had with me? Perhaps they’ll be able to teach me.
Tiffany Pridgen is the mistress of snarkymomma.com: a blog where she recounts daily the joys and frustrations of being a modern momma. She lives in Durham, NC (home of the Duke lacrosse team scandal) with her darling little boy and husband of five years.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Patricia wrote:
aAnd don’t forget to buy him the multicutural crayola colors!! LOL!
http://www.amazon.com/Crayola-Multicultural-Washable-Paints/dp/B000F8QVQO
Sounds like you have a plan even if you say you don’t….
Posted 23 May 2007 at 9:04 am ¶
Tiffany wrote:
Patricia, those are awesome! I didn’t know such a thing existed. I need to put that in my bookmarks for future purchase.
Posted 23 May 2007 at 11:30 am ¶
Kim wrote:
Don’t think it a travesty to let them know that race is perpetuated…the concept of it, the value of it, the … well, the perpetuity of the whole shebang.
Say it, and then pass the broccoli.
I figure the reason my kids don’t care that Mommy is the only person-called-Black (not even golden enough for them to realize I am not White, but then there’s the floofy ‘fro) is because they’re too busy loving and being loved by the cousins and uncles.
Critical discussions are simply that. Your modeling a unified stance on how to live one’s life is what they will know first-hand. The conceptual you will allow them the breadth and space to consider and come to over time, as they place their own experiences and understanding of the world at the core of their truths, with all the teachings of Mommy, Daddy, teacher and church running a close second.
Posted 23 May 2007 at 11:44 am ¶
vea wrote:
I’m so excited to have found your post! I love your insight.
oh and I live in Durham as well, although we attend church in Chapel Hill.
We have been discussing race as part of Christian Education times and it has really been a wonderful experience.
I’ll have to pass this blog on to my friends!
Posted 23 May 2007 at 12:21 pm ¶
Kaywil wrote:
I just got those Crayola markers too! I was a little shocked, though, to see that they were half the price of the regular 8-color ones at our local grocery store…don’t know what that means…maybe they’re trying to make it more available to everyone…(I’m being optimistic).
Posted 23 May 2007 at 1:43 pm ¶
Liz Dwyer wrote:
You brought back some memories! I remember doing something similar with crayons when I was little. Everyone said I was yellow but I hated the color yellow and didn’t think it looked anything like me.
As far as “the talk”, I think discussing race has to be an ongoing conversation, something that becomes normal to talk about and think about critically. I really try to focus my sons (and myself) about how to ensure that our own actions are not perpetuating the problem. I also think that your family is a natural model of racial unity so the relationship between you and your husband goes a long way toward educating and shaping their perspectives.
Posted 24 May 2007 at 6:35 pm ¶
Atena wrote:
Because of my work with children and educators using a model for anti-bias curriculum (as well as personal experience), I am convinced that very young children are much more aware of differences among people than they tend to let on, or that we tend to notice.
I think you have gotten to the heart of the matter by planning to address what children respond to more than anything else: what they see happening, as opposed to what we tell them. When you structure their lives to include a diversity of people, and you answer their questions and have candid conversations with them, you willingness to do so speaks volumes over any superficial Kumbaya they may have coming their way (which is not to say that kumbaya is superficial in and of itself – more so how it tends to be used in the U.S.).
Also, not talking about race and biases certainly does not prevent children from thinking about them. They won’t think about them the way adults may, but it is fallacy to figure that if we don’t tell them, they won’t find out.
I think you’re on the right track. By being willing to engage with them, you’re doing them a huge favor that will pay off now and years down the line. Kudos!
Posted 26 May 2007 at 12:43 am ¶
Atena wrote:
PS – A relevant book to this topic:
The First R: How Children Learn Race and Racism, by Debra Van Ausdale.
The book is built around Van Ausdale’s empirical research observing young children in their school environment and noting the ideas that they expressed relating to race and racism.
Posted 26 May 2007 at 12:49 am ¶
Kellie wrote:
A couple more books that I have found helpful and have tips on talking about race with kids:
Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together at the Cafeteria by Beverly Daniel Tatum
I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World by Marguerite Wright
I particularly liked Tatum’s book, but they are both buy-worthy, IMO.
Posted 26 May 2007 at 8:37 pm ¶
Atena wrote:
This is no way a reflection of Kellie personally, but I feel compelled to tell people to be wary of the book by M. Wright, I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla. While it has some useful information in it, I think that much of her argument is precarious and some of the information she puts for is questionable, i.e. inaccurate. Her examples support her arguments circumstantially, and she presents her experience of children as developmental fact, assuming an authority that I don’t believe she actually demonstrates.
I go on about this because this book is touted as such a great resource for parents involved in trans-racial adoptions. I think taken at face value this book could be misleading to such parents, and set them up for some problems.
I guess one of my main problems with this book is that Wright talks about how children aren’t aware of race at certain ages, without discussing the fact that while children perceive the idea of “race” differently than adults, they are in fact sensitive to differences in skin color (and gender and ability and a variety of distinguishing factors) very early on, and this sensitivity affects how they respond to and interact with others. As far as I’m concerned, her failure to acknowledge the significance of the how this sensitivity affects children and their interpersonal interactions is a gross and misleading oversight, especially when she makes statements such as “Three year olds don’t have a clue about their race.”
This book includes some good ideas about ways to handle some situations, so I don’t recommend against reading it, but please don’t let this be the only book you buy on the subject.
Books and writing by Louise Derman-Sparks include very useful information about how children process race, prejudice and differences. Their mostly directed toward early childhood professionals, but parents are the first teachers after all, so they can benefit from them, too.
Posted 27 May 2007 at 5:14 pm ¶
Tiffany wrote:
I actually bought Tatum’s book today before I had seen that comment, so it looks like we’re on the same page there. I happened to walk by it in B&N this afternoon and thought it looked interesting. I’m going to try to find the Van Ausdale book tomorrow, too.
Posted 28 May 2007 at 12:01 am ¶
Kellie wrote:
Atena,
Thanks for your comments, and I agree entirely with your assessment. That is exactly why I like the Tatum book better, even though the Wright book is a bit more reader-friendly. I do like having the Wright book around for a quick look back for specific phrases and things to say/do in response to certain situations.
Thanks for your recommendation too – I haven’t read anything by Louise Derman-Sparks or Van Ausdale yet and will look for them at the library. Personally, I have been very disappointed overall in the books available specifically about transracial adoption. Neither the Wright or Tatum books are specifically addressed to parents who have adopted transracially, but they were still more useful than any of the other books I have read on the topic.
Posted 28 May 2007 at 12:26 pm ¶
Kellie wrote:
I also want to add (admit) that initially I really didn’t know what to think about Wright’s assessment of kids’ perception of race (or lack thereof) at an early age. I knew it didn’t fit exactly with what I had read/heard elsewhere and felt a little uncomfortable, but I don’t have the knowledge base to really make a judgment on it so I appreciate hearing from someone who has more expertise in this area.
This is exactly why I like this blog so much.
Posted 28 May 2007 at 1:10 pm ¶
Vera L wrote:
Atena, I support your concerns about the book “I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla.” The book’s perspective that young children don’t see racial distinctions is wrong and particularly unhelpful for transracial adoptive parents. Wright’s message that talking about race with young children is not only useless, but harmful undermines the efforts of parents who are unfamiliar with talking about race at all and are trying to learn how. Unfortunately, it’s one of the very few books out there about race and young children, so many transracial adoptive parents see it as “the authority” on the subject. *Sigh*
Posted 28 May 2007 at 1:33 pm ¶
Meera Bowman-Johnson wrote:
So nice to see you here, Snarky Momma! I love your blog.
It’s so interesting how having mixed children makes black moms rethink the concept of race and racism. Present company included…mine would be 1/4 white and 3/4 black IF I believed race was anything more than a construct…or 100% black, IF I believed in the one drop rule. But I don’t (guess that’s why I’m here).
That said, I second Kim’s sentiments. No need to tip toe around the issue — be matter of fact about it! Race might only be a construct, but racism is real and it’s critical that kids who aren’t part of the majority know how to deal with it when it eventually affects them in one way or another. Unfortunately, this is more your burden than your husband’s for the simple reason that you already have a perspective as a person of color. And most likely, a plethora of real-life experiences to back it up.
I don’t want my kids to grow into jaded adults by knowing early on that there are indeed racist a**holes out there, I want them to develop a healthy respect for all races (including both sides of their own family). But if we ignore racial issues, like they’re going to go away (haha), we might end up doing more harm than good.
The recent incident on Harvard’s quad immediately comes to mind as I type this.
Whether my son (for instance) identified and socialized black and was part of that group being confronted by the Harvard police or whether he chose to pass (or not, but sat quietly as his white roomate called the police on the black students), I know he’d feel something. Something deep in the pit of his stomach. And it would hurt. That’s the type of thing I want to prepare them for.
Posted 29 May 2007 at 12:48 pm ¶
Meera Bowman-Johnson wrote:
What Harvard incident? Sorry, here’s the link:
http://www.racialicious.com/2007/05/21/harvard-students-call-cops-upon-seeing-black-people/
Posted 29 May 2007 at 12:54 pm ¶