by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Cloudscome
I have been trying to write a post about how we come to know white privilege. In particular I am wondering how to talk to other white people about it when they say things like “I don’t believe in white privilege.” I am really stuck on how to unpack that statement and figure out what the most helpful reply would be.
Instead of chewing on that right now I decided to tell you a story about a girl I knew in my childhood that helped me begin to see my own white privilege. My blog-budding Kohana recently said “Relationships, more than anything else, overcome stereotypes. Friendship with someone outside of our box leads to empathy about the things that are important in their life. People who grow up surrounded by people that differ from them on a number of levels have such an advantage.” That reminded me of the advantage I was given in going to schools full of children of all races and ethnicities.
When I was in third grade we moved and I attended my third new school. I was shy and a bit clumsy in socializing. I can remember one particular day that shook me up so much I think it forever changed my perception of myself, my race and the rest of the world. There was a little girl in my class that everyone called “Butterball”. I was horrified at the cruelty of that nickname. She was very light-skinned black, had a splash of freckles across her nose, and was quite fat. She was the color of cold coffee with too much milk in it. Her hair was blond and always pulled up to one puff on the top of her head, with coarse fuzzies sticking out all around. The other black girls made fun of her for being too light and too fat. I can even remember asking a black girl once why they called her that (I don’t think I knew what a Butterball turkey was at that point) and she laughed and said it was because she looked like a Thanksgiving turkey; so buttery and plump. The look on Butterball’s face is always miserable in my memory.
Butterball took a liking to me for some reason. I think it was because I also didn’t have any friends. I think it also had something to do with my being skinny and white and having straight light-brown hair. She used to follow me around the playground asking me to play with her and trying to stroke my hair or my arm. I didn’t like her because the whole thing creeped me out. And, of course, I wanted to be friends with all the other girls. I have a really strong memory of a day at recess when Butterball had chased me up to the top of the monkey bars. I was safe up there because she was too fat to climb them. I couldn’t come down all recess because she was standing at the bottom waiting for me and begging me to play with her. All the other girls had run off somewhere else to play without us.
I felt so sad for her and so guilty for not wanting to be near her. What I knew about race and racism at that point was pretty dim. I learned from Butterball that my whiteness was something to be envied and something to be scorned. Butterball was too white for the other black girls but not white enough for herself. I have never been able to let go of the conflicting emotions this encounter brought me. How much of it was her light skin and how much was her being overweight or being miserable and socially inept? I still wonder about Butterball and what happened to her.
I am not saying this is an example of white privilege. It’s a story of a little white girl first encountering another child who had been hurt by racism. It’s a little white girl’s first glimmer of understanding that someone might want to be in her position simply because she is white. The first time this little girl saw a glimpse of the complexity of blackness and the enigmatic position of whiteness. Being stuck up at the top of that monkey bars was the beginning of my education as an anti-racist parent.
I am thinking about this particularly in reference to white parents adopting transracially. Multiracial Sky had a post recently where she said, “If White parents are not fully invested in learning about their child’s heritage and incorporating their child’s culture into the family’s traditions and culture, this responsibility falls to the child. The fact that race does not seem to matter to many transracially adopting parents is the epitome of White Privilege.” A white parent with good intentions to adopt a child that needs a home, but who has no experience of knowing or relating to a person of color has no foundation to address a child of color’s experience of the world. It may be a defense mechanism to proclaim that doesn’t matter. It may be simple ignorance; acknowledging color has never mattered to the white person before.
I am not surprised that it is hard to see white privilege if you haven’t ever had experiences like mine. I am not surprised that some people can say “Purple, green or polka-dot, I don’t care what color they are I just love my kids” when they have never had close contact with someone whose life has been deeply traumatized by the world’s reaction to the color of their skin. I do, however often feel blinded and muffled, wrapped in cotton wool when I find myself in a lily-white environment and those around me don’t see any problem with it. How do we address that? How do we start the conversation?
Cloudscome is a single mother with three sons. She is a library-media specialist and blogs about books and technology at http://awrungsponge.blogspot.com. Parenting, adoption and the rest of her life she blogs about at http://sandycovetrail.wordpress.com/.
I have to admit that it drives me batty when white people say that they don’t believe in white privilege. (It’s not like it’s Santa Claus people). I usually respond, “You don’t believe in it because you have it! That’s what white privilege IS, the ability to not see your own white-ness and the privileges it gives you!” And then I have to restrain myself from adding, “you dumbass.” (cos that’s not, you know, constructive) But I’m not sure people who don’t want to get it. They seem to truly believe that the world would be better if it was ‘color-blind’ and they truly think it doesn’t matter if people are black, white, purple, or polka-dotted. These two things- the world should be color-blind! and adding silly colors to the colors that people come it also drive me up the wall. And no where do they seem as prevalent as among liberal, progressive people who think racism is wrong. Looking forward to reading other people’s ideas about how to respond.
Thank you for taking the time to put something that is so personal out there for others to benefit from. I was somewhat like the person in your story. Not fat but black in a 98% White school. No boys to play with only girls.
Its gets much worse but this is not something I want to discuss. Bravo on this wonderful writing of yours.
I think sometimes it may help to show the opposite of white privilege. Show how racism impacts minorities and then reflect it back. You aren’t minority, so you don’t have the hassles, by not having the hassles, you are privileged. I often ponder my life and how if I had been born anywhere else, to anyone else, I would not be where I am. I saw a PBS documentary last night about kids going to school. Kids from around the world were profiled. A young girl in India, a young boy in Africa, (Nigeria, I think), etc. I was lucky enough to be born in a white suburban family in America. I was privileged to go to college, and got my graduate school paid for. Chances are if it were not where I was born, and tom whom I was born, that would not have happened. I know I will never know what someone else goes through, I can only try to understand.
tutlebella I think you are right, it’s the privilege of not seeing your whiteness and your privilege. One educator in a workshop I attended said it’s always getting the benefit of the doubt. I think that’s a good definition, but you have to be willing to go out there to accept it. It is often to white people’s advantage to not see it or understanding. I think that’s called “playing dumb”?
Barry I am sorry you had that experience. I hope I do everything I can not to let my son’s live that.
Jim, you are so right! But knowing where you came from is such an important point of reference. Thanks for commenting!
BTW all: Kohana is my “blog BUDDY” not my “blog budding” LOL I always need one more edit.
“a young boy in Africa, (Nigeria, I think)”
Not Africa, Brazil.
But there was a young Black-African girl from Benin.. Maybe you were thinking of her?
“being given the benefit of doubt,” I think this encapsulates white privilege. It is white privilege. Everyone else has to prove themselves. White privilege came up in conversation yesterday, interesting to see your post today. Well written and thought provoking, now… to move the message beyond the choir.
“being given the benefit of doubt,” I think this encapsulates white privilege. It is white privilege. Everyone else has to prove themselves.
Thanks for this definition. It makes it a lot clearer to me. I have been reading the blog for a while, but haven’t commented yet. This is a really great blog. I mean REALLY great.
I’m a white mom, not interracially married, but hoping to some day adopt, and I know that I would love to adopt transracially if that is the child that needs me. We moved into a very integrated neighborhood to make it easier for our potential adopted children to fit in, and I started reading this blog to help me better understand the world I could be entering into.
I am one of those “dumbasses” who had never heard the term “white privilege” and I certainly didn’t know I was it. But having this definition is very helpful, though I wouldn’t be so quick to insult, or be surprised if the white community is not familiar with the term and all of its implications. I guess part of the privilege is not having to think about things like that, so they don’t. I mean I grew up in a town nicknamed “Caucasian Falls,” for it’s sheer lack of diversity. There is no forum for exploring white privilege if there are only white people around.
I’m not saying it’s a good thing. It’s a BAD thing. But it’s through peaceable dealings like this post that the barriers come down and understanding happens. Not through being shocked that someone has no idea it’s an issue. For the segregated world, it isn’t an issue for them. If I weren’t seeking to expand my boundaries, I’d still be a “dumbass.”
I always thought I knew about white privilege, but I gained a much deeper understanding from an exercise called “The White Privilege Checklist.” I was in grad school for my teaching credential, and our class of about 25 students (I’ll guess that the class was about 60% white, and about 70% women) took part in this exercise. We all lined up in a row at one end of the classroom (forgive me if you’re familiar with the exercise) and took one step forward if we could answer “yes” to questions like:
“I am never asked to speak for all of the people in my racial group.”
“I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.”
“I can enroll in a class at college and be sure that the majority of my professors will be of my race.”
By the end of the exercise I was that the other end of the room, and I turned around to see the people staggered behind me — miles behind me. I realized that I was where I was in the room, and life, not so much by my own doing but because of my white privilege.
I think anybody who’s white and adopting transracially would greatly benefit from taking part in this exercise (and of course receiving ANY EDUCATION AT ALL). All agencies should require it! But do they? We know the answer to THAT question.
I think it’s really easy to blame white people who make the decision to adopt transracially for being unaware of the magnitude of that decision. But I think we could shift our focus a bit more on to the agencies that facilitate these adoptions who could be doing SO MUCH MORE to educate white families adopting transracially.
(Sorry for the long post but I’m new to this blogging thing and have so much to say!)
The ‘dumbass’ comment (that I only say in my head) is really only for people who argue with me that white privilege doesn’t exist, NOT people like you, Devona! Because while you didn’t even know about the term once upon a time, you do now, and are willing to explore the ways that you may have benefited from it. Your willingness to be here, and to think about these things puts you miles ahead of some folks, who are so wedded to their own white privilege that they can’t see it. (and frankly, if we bring sexism into play, then you understand while male privilege, right?)
What frustrates me is that these people are usually well-meaning people who don’t think of themselves as racists. But who are somewhat unable to figure out that they are where they are partly because they are white – because they benefit from the racism that is so wide-spread in our society. Those are the people I want to yell at. Because I think recognizing white privilege (if you are white, if you are non-white you already know all about it!) is part of being an anti-racist.
Cloudscome:
You are open, and that is always where the real contact, from writer to reader, can take place: in the space where we lay ourselves bare.
One question: why do you feel the young schoolmate was not white enough for herself? (I wasn’t getting that this was exactly her issue, though your newness and differentness held appeal to her.)
LOL Kim when I wrote that statement and later when I was editing the piece and considering it again I thought of you as a reader and wondered what you would say about it. I am not sure where the impression came from but looking back at the childhood me – that’s what I thought she was feeling. She wanted to touch my white skin in a kind of awe and reverence that deeply upset me. She wanted to be closer to the white girl she saw in order to try to absorb some of it. It sounds crazy to me to write that as an adult but that is how it felt to me as a child. It is really what cut this experience into my psyche and changed me. The color of her skin wasn’t all that important to me (how dark or light she was); it was the way she looked at my skin that impacted me. I didn’t think of myself as very pretty or desirable – I have a lot of freckles, I’m short and was very meek and shy. No one ever wanted to be me before – and it wasn’t ME that she wanted, just whiteness. It horrified me and creeped me out completely. I guess that is what began to teach me that whiteness carries privilage, even if you are not one of the beautiful, popular white girls.
Mouse and Devona – I think all of us (white folks) start out not knowing what white privilage is. I think there is a very strong cultural force to keep it hidden. It is not a coincidence that it isn’t talked about in all white circles. It is a deadly silence – just like the family secret dynamic that keeps other kinds of abuse unspoken. Breaking out of that blind, deaf shell is wrenching. There has to be a compeling reason like a meaningful personal relationship with a person of color to give us an investment in seeking understanding. I try not to blame individual people for not aknowledging white privilage unless they have been confronted with it and still want to deny it. It is a stumbling, twisted journey for all of us. Thanks for joining the discussion.
cloudscome,
I was thinking about my very racist (though he’d deny it) Father-in-Law and what he’d think about white privilege. I think it would upset him to even discuss it. He’d say something like, “I have worked for everything I have. No one gave me anything!” and be insulted at the thought. But I think that it would really make someone think when you put into terms of what he didn’t have to do in order get where he is. Like we said before, he didn’t have to prove himself, he was given the benefit of the doubt. And that goes a long way.
My husband and I are caucasian and have two bio sons. We are looking into adopting a girl from Ethiopia. In preparation for this I have been doing a lot of reading and networking. I must say I have read this posting and read Multiracial Sky’s post and have been ruminating on it ever since. I recognize that white people have privilege. That’s obvious. What I don’t understand is the belief that adopting a child of a different race (black with white seems to be particularly charged) makes me cruel, abusive, ignorant, and opportunitistic. I am having a hard time buying into the fact that all of us who want to adopt a child out of our race are just well intentioned criminally ignorant people. I live in Denver where there is plenty of diversity. My children will go to public school where there is plenty of diversity. I will soon be joining an Ethiopian network to meet other families on the same path we are. I can understand not wishing any child to be a minority of very few in her community or school. But I find myself asking for approval with my qualifications and intentions to love a child who looks different from me. That seems crazy.
Except as an open minded, friendly fellow citizen, I don’t have a lot of experience in close relationships with black people. However, I have an acquaintance who is white and is married to a black man and they have two children. She is very difficult to get to know as she avoids eye contact with people. I assume it is out of wariness. I am sure she is tired of dealing with surprised looks, questions, judgements, etc. But my point is that she has more qualifcations in that regard than I do but still gets plenty of judgement, enough to shut her down and isolate her in many ways. Why are we so free to judge one another? If she is more qualified than I am to parent a child of a different race, that must mean I am in for a really hard time!
It’s interesting that in Ethiopia, they consider an adoption like ours to be transnational/transcultural, and don’t think about transracial. In the networks that I have formed, one woman told me that that Ethiopians living in America praise her to her face for adopting one of their “children.” They understand the crushing poverty and homelessness and parentlessnes in their country. Many white people see that too, and although everyone recognizes that the best solution would be to keep the families in their own country with clean drinking water, food and shelter, it is also easy to see that that is not happening quite yet. It is not criminal to help a child out of that scenario while satisfying the need to include another child in your family.
Do black families who adopt from African countries get admonished to keep the particular country culture of their children alive in their house? If I were considering adopting a Russian kid, I don’t think I would hear nearly as much heat about pulling her out of her country, not giving her cultural access, etc. I recognize it is about race, and this is an anti-racial website. It just seems sad to me that I should stick to my own race to make life easy for everyone. Easy is not what makes us learn, grow, experience.
One last observation, I wonder what people are after when they do ask why a white family is choosing to adopt from an African country. It reminds me of those very emotionally freighted questions about breast-feeding vs bottle feeding, or staying at home vs working, or circumcision. In my experience the questioner usually has an agenda and is asking only as an opportunity to step up on the soapbox. That kind of question makes people guarded and how is that good?
“I wonder what people are after when they do ask why a white family is choosing to adopt from an African country. ”
I see nothing at all wrong with white people adopting black children. I just would rather see more American children being adopted instead of brining in so many from foreign countries. Why are folks so quick to run overseas to Russia or China to adopt when we have lots of kids right here in America who need homes?
I guess my only question to you is why adopt black children from Eithiopia instead of black children from the USA?
Tracy: Ask yourself more questions… Some of the things you raise are things any ARP should be concerned about, not just TRA families.
>My children will go to public school where there is plenty of diversity. I will soon be joining an Ethiopian network to meet other families on the same path we are.
Define “plenty of diversity.” 2, or even 10, doesn’t mean plenty. Look also at the teachers and administration, not just the student body. Being the “only one” of whatever in an entire class, especially when it’s physically based, is what matters to a kid, not the composition of classes 2, 3, 6 grades above or below the child.
As for “other families on the same path,” what about straight-out Ethiopian families or individuals, not just TRAs? Otherwise, you’re preaching to the choir and not getting a diversity of views and cultural connections (as there is no uniform US culture, why should there be an absolutely uniform Ethopian culture? And one person does not a culture make, of course).
>It is not criminal to help a child out of that scenario while satisfying the need to include another child in your family
I think TRAs on this site and others will flinch at this. They (and others) feel that parents should adopt because they WANT the child, not necessarily out of a sense of charity or obligation (as this can be transmitted inadvertantly to the child – as in, “You should be GRATEFUL!”)
>It just seems sad to me that I should stick to my own race to make life easy for everyone. Easy is not what makes us learn, grow, experience.
Noone is saying that. But neither can anyone in good conscience pretend that everything will be peachy. People could read this comment to mean that your adopted children of a different race ARE SUPPOSED TO/WILL TEACH you about other races, or will be a magical bridge through which you can “learn” and “grow.” Not only is that burdensome, but it’s unrealistic as well. I’m not saying you intended it that way, per se, but it’s something that comes up again and again both with TRAs as well as with biological multiethnic families.
>I wonder what people are after when they do ask why a white family is choosing to adopt from an African country
Who knows? Probably because of the history of whites throughout Sub-Saharan Africa, both modern and past. Rude questions, however, are not reserved just for white families who adopt. You have the right to reveal as little about your family as you want, esp. to total strangers. You’re under no obligation. Of course, any information revealed should have the best interests of the child, not the parent, in mind.
PS: Tracey, you know this post is not about adoption, right? Should the comment have been posted elseqhere?
I don’t think anyone is saying White transracially adopting parents are “criminally ignorant”. Just that many of them have not considered their transracial adoption from the perspective of their child.
Although your town and schools contain “plenty of diversity,” your personal circle does not sound like it contains any. Being part of a network of White adults who have adopted from Ethiopia will provide your child with a peer group of other Black-kids-raised-by-White-parents, but this is not enough. Your child will need older and adult friends, mentors, and role models that share their experience of the world. Your child will need to see that you (as their parent) value their culture and race enough to have Black and African adult friends of your own. You are raising a (hopefully self-confident) Black adult.
It is concerning that your default assumption regarding your acquaintance attributes her behavior to her multiracial family. It does not sound like you know her well enough to know exactly why she is not engaging with you socially. Why do you assume people are judging her, and that this race-mixing related judgment has “shut her down”? As a woman partnered with a person of color, she is more knowledgeable about adults of color and, yes, probably more “qualified” than you to raise children of color. Her children are also directly connected through their father to a community that shares their heritage. (If this is the only other multiracial family you know, then you have to try harder; invite her to meet you at a playground for lunch.)
You are right that international adoption has traditionally been considered transnational or transcultural. However, children of color adopted into White families experience their adoption primarily as transracial. (Check out the new books of essays by adult transracial adoptees: Outsiders Within). Whatever their birth-culture, they are raised as Americans, and as such their experience (as a Black/Asian/Latino American) is markedly different from their parents’ experience as a White Americans. You ask seemingly rhetorical questions about Black Americans adopting African children and White Americans adopting Russian children (some of whom would be classified as “Asian” in the U.S.), and whether or not they would be asked to incorporate their child’s birth-culture into their family’s culture. Therein lies the transnational/transracial distinction. In an ideal adoption, the adopting family incorporates their child’s ethnicity, race, and birth-culture into their total family culture, whether the family is visibly mixed or not. However, you are right to notice that visually-matching families are subject to less scrutiny on pretty much all fronts.
You said, “It seems sad to me that I should stick to my own race to make life easy for everyone. Easy is not what makes us learn, grow, experience.” You and your current family have the OPTION to expand your family racially and culturally, to increase your cultural experience and worldview through your adopted child. Transracial and transcultural adoption must also (in my opinion, more importantly) be considered from the point of view of the adopted child. Most children just want to be ‘normal’, to live their lives (and, yes, for their life to be relatively ‘easy’). This is why it is so important for White transracially adopting parents to expand their personal and social circles and cultural horizons (preferably before they adopt).
All these suggestions are for the good of your child, and will also benefit the rest of your family and community. Good luck.
P.S. This in an anti-racist website, not an anti-racial website.
P.P.S. My above comment was a response to the comment by Tracy. Sorry
Give a listen to this NPR story from today’s Morning Edition: “Mother and son offer transracial adoption insights.”
I think the mom’s comments underscore the main idea here that Tracy seems to be misconstruing–the idea that, as white parents of children of color, one must actively learn to think about, recognize, and work to counterbalance white privilege and racism at work in their lives and the lives of their children. This mom (in the NPR piece) talks about how from the get-go knew that choosing to adopt biracial black/white children would mean making choices about where to live, who to befriend, etc. in the best interests of their children, but it was her lived experiences with her children that taught her how much further she needed to push herself, to see and work against white privilege in her own life and the lives of her children (though she doesn’t use that term). That’s what we’re talking about–not a blanket statement that white people shouldn’t adopt transracially or transnationally, but that such a decision requires a recognition of race and racism as something that will impact their children (vs. the usual “I’m colorblind” defense), and that this means that this work (and it is work) will be a lifetime commitment.
DIASL: Thanks for that, I was hoping to find that referenced here today. The interview was superb, warm, serious, and a bit provocative (or so I found in the mother’s and son’s wit and response to some interactions in their lives), and I would highly recommend a listen as well – to everyone, even people in my extended family.
Cloudscome: I’m on the run, and I apologize.
Thanks for responding. I realize I sometimes seem as if I’m trying to be the pinprick under the hat, but I’m not. I asked to better understand how you’d come to form that opinion, as much as I did because I was often that high-yellow child taunted by “White girl, white girl,” though I did not know what that meant…only that it meant ‘we don’t want you over here.’
I did hear that piece on NPR this morning and it brought tears to my eyes it was so moving. I don’t think I have misconstrued anything (except changing the thread to adoption – sorry about that – it consumes my mind). I am learning about plenty of things at no expense to my mythical daughter, so that there is as minimal expense to her when/if we do get her. There are too many things to explain, and as I am learning, I am not obligated to explain anything to anyone. I am just obligated to do the best I can and love my family. Thanks for the thoughtful postings.
Tracy: You said, “What I don’t understand is the belief that adopting a child of a different race (black with white seems to be particularly charged) makes me cruel, abusive, ignorant, and opportunitistic. I am having a hard time buying into the fact that all of us who want to adopt a child out of our race are just well intentioned criminally ignorant people.” I certainly wouldn’t agree with anyone saying or implying that. I am white and have adopted two black children myself. What I find is that having a transracial family, particularly when it became transracial through adoption, puts us in the limelight. It brings out the opinions and questions of others who usually wouldn’t have opportunity to voice their opinions or ask questions. The way our society works at present most white people are not encouraged to address issues around racism so we (transracial adoptive families) stick out. It doesn’t mean we are “criminally” ignorant. It just means our ignorance is more obvious. And I am not using ignorance as an insult here, but just the state of not having an education or experience to be fully aware of the reality of life as a person of color. It is like being blind or deaf.
When I bring up the topic of white privilege it is to ask others to help me work out ways to talk about it with people who are not familiar with the idea. Usually that means white people who have never discussed it before or been confronted with the benefits they take for granted. I find there are often a lot of layers of denial and confusion to work through before we gain any insight. Blaming white parents for adopting black kids in the wrong way or from the wrong place is one of the red herrings that gets thrown around first. It really doesn’t have a lot to do with adoption, except that white parents of adopted black kids have an added investment in understanding the racism their children live with and additional barriers to figuring that out. If we don’t have a black spouse or close black friends/family members we have to work that much harder to build a network or relationships that will inform and sustain us and our children.
What Natasha said about your children seeing you value relationships with black adults is really important. They are going to be black men and women and they need to see models of themselves in important positions in your life.
It’s not about who is more qualified to parent black children. It’s about what we can do to help each other and support each other in being the best we can be. That has to mean crossing the racial divides for everyone – not just transracially adopting parents.
My post was about an experience I had as a child that first clued me in to the different experience a black child could have. It was the first time I saw someone hurt by racism. One way that makes me a better parent is that I have that memory to build on when I imagine what it might be like for my black children on the playground. For a white person that has never been in a relationship with a person of color experiencing racism that would be that much harder. As adults, if we don’t have close relationships with people of color we are at a disadvantage in parenting black children. We have to work harder to cross the divide. We have to work at educating ourselves. We have to work at building networks. We have to work at learning the language to talk about racism. We have to work at unpacking what it means to live with white privilege when most of our society doesn’t acknowledge it. We need to be open and have courage and reach out to each other to do those things.
Kim: I didn’t think you were being hard on me. I just knew you would have the experiences and the insight to respond to what I was trying to say and I wondered how it would come through to you. I am glad you questioned me further because I see I didn’t really express myself as clearly as I had hoped. Your responses always help me think through a little farther. I probably am reading a lot into Butterball’s experience that I really have no foundation for – both as a child back then and as an adult now. It’s all about how I was thinking/feeling and how I see things now, right? Only Butterball could really speak to what it was like for her. I probably completely misunderstood her. The thing is I did see her pain and I dimly understood it had something to do with racism.
DIASL: Thanks so much for that link! I missed hearing it before and it is really good.
Thanks for your candor, Clooudscome. You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into the careful parenting of your children. I am laying the groundwork and hope to have a keen awareness as well.