by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Tiffany Pridgen
I spend a lot of time being the only black person in a group. I’m used to it — that’s the way it’s always been and it’s rare that I ever feel uncomfortable about a situation. It’s not even because I didn’t grow up around black people — it’s because I’m a dork.
Because of what my academic interests were, the music I listened to, the way I dressed, and the nature of the hobbies I did for recreation (reading, for one), I caught a lot of crap from black kids in my classes. I really didn’t give a damn if they called me “teachers pet” or “white girl” or whatever else they could spew that was intended to be insulting. Getting 100′s on my tests was more important to me than fitting into a clique. I’m still exactly the same: I don’t see how being a nerd makes me any less black, and I don’t frankly understand why anyone thinks it would in the first place.
I’m reminded of a little girl I tutored when I was in college. Up until third grade she was doing great in school. At the end of that year her teachers were shocked at how her end-of-grade test scores had dropped compared to years prior. They did note that her attendance had become slightly erratic and that she was less outspoken in class. As she was a very intelligent girl who had never been afraid to raise her hand in the past, it seemed odd that she had regressed back to a place where she didn’t even want to try to answer the teachers’ questions. When they called on her, hopeful that she would interact regardless of the fact she didn’t volunteer, she could never give a correct answer. She would behave as if she was annoyed to be called out.
The teachers didn’t understand what was happening that would make her begin to lose interest in her studies since in the past she had been so excited about learning.
At the suggestion of one of the girl’s enrichment teachers I called her mother…timidly. I was afraid she’d feel imposed upon and like I was trying to interject where I shouldn’t have had my nose in the first place. I was surprised at how gracious she was to receive the call. Not only had I woken her from a nap (she worked multiple jobs), but she had a young baby in the house who she was trying to rest up for. She perked up immediately when I told her the purpose of my call–that someone was taking an interest in her girl.
She let me in on something her daughter’s teachers hadn’t observed: her peer group had changed. In kindergarten, first, and second grade she wanted to interact with “smart” girls (who happened to be white) because their interests were inline with her own. As she moved closer to adolescence she became more susceptible to negative peer pressure and in third grade she was made to feel self-conscious by black classmates who teased her because being smart meant she was trying to be white. So, she simply shut down. She began “code switching” (I noticed this early on during our relationship) and would speak Queen’s English around me, the enrichment teachers, and other gifted students (regardless of color). Whenever the kids who teased her were near, her speech became ghettofied. Her mother didn’t talk that way, so I knew she wasn’t getting it from home.
I needed a game plan. I tried to look back on what I had done to become so carefree about pressures to be more like my black classmates, but realized I simply didn’t give a shit at that age. Sure, I went through a phase where I wanted to wear Cross Colors and Fubu, but it was fairly short-lived; I had better things to do than drive to Virginia every time I needed a tee-shirt. My ruralness and the fact we couldn’t get cable like the townies affected my world view in such a way that I thought smart was cool (because PBS was one of the few stations we could get), and if boys paid attention to me that’d be okay, too.
For the girl, though, a product of a decidedly more urban environment she didn’t have the luxury of the isolation away from the media and from people in her social class. She also didn’t have any role models to show her that it was okay to follow her own path, even if it wasn’t one that others have previously tread. Her mother was a blue collar worker, but wanted so much more for her daughter than she had achieved herself. She knew she had to look for support outside the family, and even beyond her white teachers who didn’t “get” what was going on.
Eventually, I figured out that the best way to help the girl was to be super-casual about the situation. I never discussed what her mother told me with her but rather tried to befriend her and act as a mentor. I didn’t want to be didactic, but instead tried to mold her academic behaviors through leading by example. I challenged her to do math problems beyond her ability level and for her to correct me when I was wrong (because sometimes I am not smarter than a fifth-grader). I tried to show her how academics tied into her everyday life–math in cooking and baking, science for tending a garden, etc. She in turn let me in on her home life and told me about her mother’s German chocolate cake and how she’d let her help mix it. Most of all, she saw that I was perfectly normal even if I wear khakis and Sperry’s–that being myself doesn’t make me an aberration. This isn’t an act I’m putting on.
It was important that she understand that intelligence isn’t a social hindrance and that getting good grades has nothing to do with being a sell-out against the black community. Of course I couldn’t say to a fourth-grader, “Hey, I’m black and I’m smart — the two aren’t mutually exclusive.” All I could do was demonstrate that I had friends of all races (smart friends, thanks) and that being smart had gotten me admitted to a tier one school (go Tar Heels).
By the close of the year her end of grade test scores had shot back up to the top, her attendance improved, and she felt comfortable associating with the smart kids again. She was back in her element. While I’d like to take credit for her turnaround, I know that at least part of the success is due to her mother’s acuity and concern. It was she who needed to make her daughter understand that shunning her smart friends for being white and treating intelligence like it’s some kind of Uncle Tom trick for adoration is racism. She needed to be courageous enough to pick and choose which influences would be most beneficial for her growth and a student and as a conscientious human being. If that meant cutting some black friends out of her day then so be it.
Her mother had the clarity to understand (as ridiculous as it is) that some people will say that if a black person uses correct grammar and dresses conservatively, they’re “clean” and “well-spoken.” No, they respect the eyes and ears of the people around them. What does that have to do with race?
I hope that when my son is in elementary school and testing the waters of friendship that I’ll be just as intuitive as my pupil’s mother and help him to understand that excellence is colorblind and not to allow anyone to convince him otherwise.
Tiffany Pridgen is the mistress of snarkymomma.com: a blog where she recounts daily the joys and frustrations of being a modern momma. She lives in Durham, NC with her son and husband.
Thanks Tiffany. This issue really infuriates me, so it is good to hear what you did to serve as a positive influence in this young girl’s life.
I too remember the peer pressure and there were days I did not want to go to school, but the desire to excel was so much stronger. I can still hear my mother telling me that the people who gave me a hard time were not going to go very far in life. She was right. Now I am a parent and my son loves learning. I pray his father and I are able to instill the same values in him that helped us to excel despite what everyone else around us may have been doing.
As we have worked to mentor other young people we have seen some light up just because someone has taken an interest in them but we have seen others refuse to do the work it takes to break free from that bondage. There is still so much work to do.
I married the guy who spoke proper english and the irony for us is, that his family -extended family gave him such a hard time about and my family absoultely LOVES for him to talk.
these are the lessons that I hope that he and i can pass to our three year old daughter and our unborn daughter due in just a few weeks.
It was a point of annoyance to my husband to be concidered less black because he refused to change his diction. hopefully we can give our girls the same kind of guidance that this young girl received.
Thanks for this post. By the time I was in HS, I was usually the only Latina/o in my classes and definitely the only one in my peer groups. I got shit for it now and then.
ALLELUIA, ALLELUIA! This post could’ve been written for me. I will never understand why so many of my brothers and sisters not only buy in to the stereotype that “black” means “ignant” (or at least appearing to be), or worse, PERPETUATE the stereotype by pressuring their smart peers to act this way.
Nice job shining a huge spotlight on the issue, Tiffany. As a fellow “dork,” I hear you all the way.
Karen – I think it is perpetuated in this society and therefore you have little kids saying “hey, I’m black, maybe this is how I’m suppose to act” and if their parents aren’t aware enough like the little girl in the story, then those kids are going to act out the MTV/pop culture prescription of blackness. I recognized that in high school. I think it’s because many of the kids were third-generation domestic (from the area/country) and I was from the Islands. I SAW black people of ALL classes/education levels and so I laughed at the girls who would act “hard” or “ghetto”, especially since we lived in a rich neighborhood and most of them could have university paid for in cash. It’s just a shame when domestic blacks don’t get the opportunity to see people like them being geeks, nerds, normal, funny, powerful, rude, weird, influential, etc. We’re human beings, not some global phenomenon.
Kaywil,
I often wonder if I have lost touch when I read comments like “domestic blacks don’t get the opportunity to see people like them be…, etc.” Are our young people really not seeing successful people who look like themselves? I for one I did not have to see lawyers or engineers in order to pursue either career. Am I an exception or have things gotten much worse? As someone whose family has been here for more than 3 generations I know plenty of other people just like me who wanted more and are working/have worked hard to achieve more.
Dawn – Have you watched BET/MTV/and everything else on TV lately? I haven’t seen much that doesn’t deems blacks/Hispanics as bad (implicitly or explicitly)? Did you manage to catch that CNN special on hip hop? Gotta love it. I’m saying that it is actually a different experience – domestic vs. international – but I am not trying to dismiss what you are saying. Although you may see black lawyers peppered across the industry, you don’t have an entire institution/country/government/society that looks like you and reinforces the positive outside the media. That’s all that I am saying. There is a reason why the black American experience is different (and unique in its own way) and cannot be shared with those who live in other countries, for good or bad. It’s what the society values that teaches our children how to perceive themselves. There are advantages, like open discussions on race, but there are also disadvantages. We would be doing ourselves a disservice if we did not examine both sides.
With all of the rich diversity within the African American community, why is it that so many people of all ethic backgrounds only see one way of being Black? That always mystifies me.
It’s not only a race issue. It’s a youth issue in our whole culture.
For example: High school aged girls read Cosmo and other such magazines. Suddenly they’re wearing shirts that scream, “Look at my boobs!” and taking half naked pictures of themselves on their mySpace pages. They’ve learned that to be attractive to boys/men they have to be half naked.
This is a huge issue that parents of every race, background, socioeconomic status, etc. are all in together. How do we teach our children to be everything they can be at the risk of losing out on being in the “in” group? I don’t know the answer to this one. Luckily my girls are both under 3 and I still have time to formulate my strategy.
I am so glad to read this post. It reinforces for me (once again) the strong need for me to ensure my sons have a constant supply of role models, friends and acquaintances in the African American community. Not just a few professionals or a friend, but a large variety of folks from different backgrounds and lifestyles. I will be relying on teachers like you!
I definitely do agree that the negative media is an issue and I will also agree that there are different “black” experiences. I guess I am noticing more assessments of the African American experience from those who are not African American that initially strike me as generalizations. Kaywil thank you for clarifying. No doubt there are benefits to being part of a dominant culture where young people can see themselves in a positive light but since that is not our experience here we will just have to make the best effort we can with the positive role models (like Tiffany) that we do have.
Dawn – I agree!
I agree with Devona that this attitude hits all races, however I guess members of a race can use it against themselves. Tiffany’s summary is also probably correct and was my experience. Children who aren’t living up to their potential can often turn around with the aid of a mentor and involved parents. The shame is that most schools don’t have the time or volunteers to invest in and inspire all children.
Great, article Tiffany. (And let me add: Go Heels!)
This is particularly timely given the New York Times piece the other day on nerdiness:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/29/magazine/29wwln-idealab-t.html?ei=5124&en=ac18fa16f2d11ac3&ex=1343361600&adxnnl=1&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink&adxnnlx=1185724028-FtKl1f+wz8wDrceNesc6cQ
The article says that a new study says that to be a nerd is to be “hyperwhite.”
Great Article ! I was a kid who was teased for being smart and black. I remember a lot of the hurtful things that were said and done to me. I just want things to be better for my kids. I just want them to understand that the images they see on Mtv and BET are not the way they have to behave to be accepted. When I hear my honor student daughter speak like she just stepped out of a hip hop video, it makes me cringe. It just makes me realize how much further I have to go the ensure that she is surrounded by positive role models who can inspire her and show her that it is ok to be smart and black.
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Dear,Tiffany Pridgen i like to thank you letting me know it’s okay for black people to be intellegent and educational. i never act like what people called “being Black”. In reality you entiled to act and talked the way in a way that makes you feel comfertable, i used to get teased for talking diffrent but now thanks to you i feel a lot better about myself.
Great article i had a lot of issue about people claiming i talked and acted white because i acted different and talked different and refrain from using the “N”word but in reality you have too be educated too be suceessful.if black people call you a sellout ignore ignorance and focus on being youself to be a better you for the future.
I agree with you, Kathy…it is a very sad situation.