Making me a liar: responding to intrusive questions about my children
by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Natasha Sky
I hear one question from strangers more often than any other: “Are they all yours?” The second most common question goes something like this, “Are some of your children adopted?” Long ago I stopped feeling that these types of questions are innocuous–they are the most common and some of the most intrusive. The first question’s more frequent, and easier to answer and walk away. (“Are they all yours?” “Yep.”) The second one is more problematic.
To begin with, asking me if some of my children are adopted belies the illusion the first question offers, that the questioner is simply curious because of the number of children I have. The second question also lets me know the asker is focused on the skin-tone variations in my children, because all other aspects of visual variety between my kids are too mixed to genetically distinguish (three pairs of brown eyes and one pair of hazel; straight hair, wavy hair, wavy hair, and curly hair; black hair, dark brown hair, light brown hair, and dark blonde hair). None of my four children physically resemble in the face, including the two who are biological siblings. Each of the children has their own unique hair, skin, and eye colors; hair texture; face shape; eye, nose and mouth shapes. (My oldest two children have the same wide foot shape and my oldest two girls have very similar body shapes, which makes hand-me-downs a dream.)
But back to my point. Asking if some of my children are adopted tells me the question asker already has in their mind which of my children are adopted, and they have made this judgment based on skin-color alone. I have more than enough friends who are currently (or formerly) interracially partnered and have biracial and multiracial children to know this question does not just come to me–it often comes to them as well. The “Are they adopted?” questions are more often asked of my White and White-appearing friends; none of us are spared the “Are they yours?” variety.
Here’s where I’ve started to falter with my answer to the adoption-status question. We are very open in our family; we have open adoptions. We talk about adoption all the time. I never want my kids to be ashamed of being adopted, to feel it is something to hide–but I also want them to to know it is not neccesarily everyone’s business. (I never want to say or do anything to dishonor my children’s birthparents or their places in my children’s hearts and lives.) But that question, “Are some of your children adopted?” is just the tip of the iceberg. What most of those questioners are really asking is this, “Are some of your children adopted or is your husband/boyfriend/ex Black?” They’re asking the half of the question that is polite enough to get out of their mouths (so they think), but think again–I hear the rest of the question continuing on in the background.
This is where we come to the lying. I don’t lie nearly as often as I should in my life, even to simply give myself and my family and friends a little more wiggle room. I rarely lie. Lying is a slippery slope; even a little lie leads to bigger lies to cover the tracks you didn’t think you were leaving. But when those overly-curious busybodies start in on the genetic origins of my children, ooh! I want to lie.
I’ve actually done it once, that I can remember, and that was just a little lie of omission. I was in the airport, traveling alone with my two oldest children (one adopted and one biological), who were both under two at the time. We were on our layover and they were strapped into the double stroller. As I stood in line at the counter to get a gate-check tag, this 60ish (White) woman leans over my children, looks back and forth at them and then at me. She asked the million dollar question, “Do they have the same father?” I thought for a moment about my husband who was coming to pick us up at the airport in just a few hours.
“Yep,” I answered.
“Aren’t genetics amazing?” she said.
And they are, because there are countless families that look like ours, families where all the children are genetically related.
There are so many scenarios that could create a family picture like ours: interracial marriage, one or two multiracial parents, full biological siblings, half biological siblings, blended family, step siblings, adoption, foster care, mother with her children fathered by four different men out with her new boyfriend, boyfriend and girlfriend out together with their kids from prior relationships . . . why does it matter how a multiracial family was formed? Why does anyone think it is their right, their business, to question somebody else about the origins of their family–usually in front of their family?
Then there is the opposite. The families who announce loudly (and repeatedly) at the beach that this is their Fresh Air child, just visiting from the city. The White adoptive parents who put clothing on their adopted child of color that announces he/she was adopted, that preemptively clarifies the underlying miscegenation question (as asked above). It is becoming more common in the world of transracial adoption to hear this all-too-appropriate comparison: If you wouldn’t marry someone who is Black, Asian, Latino, African American, Haitian, Chinese, or Guatemalan (for example), then you certainly should not adopt a child with that ancestry either.
But back to the lying. The way people ask this question. The different sets of assumptions and the treatment and looks our family gets when I am (a) out alone with all of the kids, and (b) out with my husband with the kids. These not-so-hidden guesses and beliefs, and how they affect the environment of my children–and the children of interracially partnered couples across our nation. These are the crazy-making false-notions that almost make me lie. Because the simplest answer to that second question (“Are some of your children adopted?”), which should make it the most likely conclusion, is “No”. Except if I said it, it would be a lie.
I’ve done at least one thing I wanted to do as a parent, and I’m not sure how: my kids automatically think groups of people where the adults appear to be caring for the children in any way (one or more adults, either gender, and any number of kids), my children view this group of people as a family. We’ll be back in the car and they’ll still be trying to puzzle out who the teenage girl was, and where her room in the family house must be, even when it was clear to me she was a babysitter.
If only we could all make our family viewfinder this broad.
Natasha Sky is a multiracial woman, a writer, an artist, and an activist—as well as the fulltime mother of four multiracial children all under the age of six. Two of Natasha’s children joined her family through open domestic adoption and two of her children joined her family through homebirth. Natasha created MultiracialSky.com, a website of resources for multiracial families. During naptime, Natasha writes about multiracial family life.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
egypt4 wrote:
Very nice piece.
Have you ever tried, “Why do you ask?”
It does seem to invite more questions, but it can also make the question sputter over their answer.
Posted 05 Sep 2007 at 10:08 am ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Thanks for this -you’ve discerned the unspoken corollaries to all the routine questions the average (!) diverse (by genetics or otherwise) family gets.
Posted 05 Sep 2007 at 10:45 am ¶
SF Mom wrote:
Ack. My family (interracial, blended and adoptive all at once) gets those intrusive questions all the time. I am used to it but sometimes I do get mad, although I try not to in front of my little daughter. I do the WISE Up powerbook thing – deflect or answer a different question. “Why are you asking?” Or I just say, regardless of the question, “this is my family/my daughter/my son.” Or I ask a different question: How are you today?
But I don’t ever let the questioner decide what I’m going to answer because it’s not their right. Unless it’s a child – who often ask if I am the teacher. Then I just say, No, I’m the mom.
Posted 05 Sep 2007 at 10:49 am ¶
Melinda wrote:
This is what I know we will be dealing with. I am Chinese/White. My husband is Latino/White. We have a biological daughter and are currently in process to adopt from Vietnam. We know our family is going to get intrusive questions (and already have) and have discussed how to handle them. It’s sometimes hard to know how to respond, especially in front of your children. My husband is much more abrasive than I generally, but our main concern is how our children will feel from our response and what they will take from the interaction. Although I am warming up to the idea of asking back, “why do you ask?” I just know someone someday will say back, “because she/he looks different,” or something similar. It’s those days that I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall.
Posted 05 Sep 2007 at 12:28 pm ¶
Stephanie wrote:
Not a race issue in my mother’s case, but reading this reminds me of the day my mom was walking in the grocery store with my 3 sisters and I. The woman asks “Two blondes, a brunette, and a redhead. How many times have you been married?”
My mother had the presence of mind to lie and say “Never!” leaving the woman sputtering behind her.
It’s annoying that people consider this any of their business. They’re your kids and you love them, no matter how they came to be a part of your family.
Posted 05 Sep 2007 at 1:12 pm ¶
Kristen wrote:
okay, sometimes i have been staring at a family trying to figure out what is going on and i know i might look rude because no one knows what is going on in my head, so I try not to look. But it is usually because 1) i think i might have something in common with the family (my children are bi-racial) or 2) I have really wanted to adopt a child for a long time so I am wondering if someone is open to talking with me about how they were able to work things out and how things are going.
Of course, i don’t ask questions, I look for ways to start a friendship if possible. maybe that’s the difference.
I guess i’m just saying that a few people could be coming from a sincere place, but are socially awkward.
Posted 05 Sep 2007 at 1:15 pm ¶
Kristen wrote:
i just wanted to add, I had a friend who was black and her husband was white. Her baby looked white. When she took him out in Park Slope, the nannies would ask her how much money she was making, etc. as they assumed she was a nanny like them!
Posted 05 Sep 2007 at 1:17 pm ¶
Anne wrote:
My black, 8-month-old babies, my white, 12-year-old mother’s helper and my white, 42-year-old self were at a playground.
An older white woman approached us.
“Are they all yours?” she asked.
Pointing at the white 12-year-old, I replied, “No, they’re hers. And, boy, is she grounded.”
Lying. It can be so satisfying.
Posted 06 Sep 2007 at 6:48 am ¶
Cynthia wrote:
Oh yeah. And sometimes I want to say, “And who’s YOUR Daddy? Are you SURE? Whose vagina did you pass through?”
My Ben, 3 1/2, surprised me the other day. We were in the pool and a little Asian kid swam up to us. He said, “Is he adopted?”
Ben put his hands on his chest, stuck it out about ten yards and said, “Yeah! I adopted!” with the biggest smile ever. I have an easier time when the questions come from kids.
Good work, thanks for writing and giving voice to this issue.
Posted 06 Sep 2007 at 1:21 pm ¶
BoMH-Mom wrote:
OK – who wants to start a list of the best response to crazy/intrusive questions? We get these all the time due to twins (yes, that’s my boys in cute kid pics), multi cultil family, my adoption yadda yadda yadda.
Growing up, my parents honesty, politeness and patience in responding was sometimes humiliating. It dragged out an encounter I did not want to be part of.
But now my (White Latino) husband and I are taking a “truth with a joke” approach. A–holes don’t “get” the jokes. Well-meaning grandparents or multi-cultis wanting to bond (we all look for each other, don’t we), always get the jokes and often share stories with us.
For the really clueless/rude ones, we have a few zingers that – well – aren’t polite and honest like my parents. But they sure make me feel better!
“Are they really twins?” No, we borrowed one to see what it would be like. We haven’t figured out which one to give back.
“Did you have IVF?” Why yes, but apparently there was some kind of mixup with the test tubes. (Actually, they’re not IVF but this did happen in Holland.)
“Are they both yours?” I hope so, that’s what they told me during my C-section. (true)
“Are they identical twins?” Ummmm -yeah, sure. It’s a special kind called photo-negative twins – they come out opposite, like an X-ray or film negatives.
Anyone else have some good ones?
Posted 06 Sep 2007 at 1:30 pm ¶
kim wrote:
We talk about this so much here, and there are so many different ways to respond each time:
Yes, the questions are intrusive, and belie the underlying subtext of the questioner, only revealed as they continue to pry.
Yes, people will assume many of us are babysitting someone else’s child, and give themselves permission to confirm this in their unsolicited inquiries of us. No, noone should feel it their right to ask, even if they do wonder.
I, too, have glanced back a time or two to observe a family, the dynamics of which I have been curious about, and for the same reasons as an up-thread responder, to determine if they have something in common with my own family.
Overall, I think we can glean when someone is asking-as-cover-for-stating: their own opinion, displeasure, stance on how we live our lives.
As was said in a thread a long time ago here, when many of us walk into a room, or space, with our families, we begin the conversation. We “bring it,” as the young people say.
We are, unwittingly, educators and mindbenders, and choosing our response wisely, wittily, or warily (in which case the questioner may need to watch out) is indeed a power we wield.
Ms. Sky: a wink to you across a crowded room.
Posted 06 Sep 2007 at 1:45 pm ¶
Lyonside wrote:
Kristen: looking for other avenues to talk with people and THEN asking (naturally) about their families is exactly the way to go
I never mind that from a new acquaintence – but if it’s the first thing someone asks, it seems as if they HAVE to categorize me or my family in order to even TALK to us.
As for looking out for other interracial couples or biracial people, my mom and I have done that for years – we’ve called it alternately MixieAlerts, Mixie Watch, etc. and it’s really just a way for personal affirmation. Usually, I’ve got a smile on my face when I do it, and we of course don’t stare anuone down. Occasionally I’ve gotten a smile or a nod from other mixed people or couples, just an acknowledgement across a mall or crowd. This was back in the 80s, when we seemed still a bit rarer or at least unexpected.
Posted 06 Sep 2007 at 1:47 pm ¶
Jim R wrote:
Depending on the questioner I provide different responses from “why do you ask?” and “what’s it to ya?” to “my what a personal question,” or “non of your business.”
One thing I try to do is provide my daughter the ability to chose how she wants to respond to intrusive questions. We also need to provide my bio daughter ways to respond appropriately to those kinds of questions like “is she your real sister?” Both kids are young enough they don’t need to answer, yet, but they are getting old enough to need to know how to respond.
It gets really fun when I am out with a friend who is Filipino and her son who has a Russian dad, me a white guy with an Asian daughter. The kids look enough alike to people who generalize a lot that they think we are a family. When the questions come in then the answers get really snarky.
Posted 06 Sep 2007 at 1:54 pm ¶
Karen wrote:
My favorite thing to do when I get these questions from obliviously rude people is to let them know how rude they are in as *kind* a way as I can. I put a light hand on their arm, step a bit closer, and say “I’m sure you don’t mean to be rude but” (maybe with “dear” or “honey” thrown in for added condescension) and then lay it out “what you’re asking implies that…” Sometimes I keep it quiet, and sometimes I am loud so that anyone who overheard the rude question gets my answer too.
It’s kind of aggressive but leaves me feeling in charge and puts the embarrassed and awkward feeling squarely where it belongs.
I came up with this after a grocery check-out clerk told (white) me and my (black) toddler daughter that “Her daddy sure must’ve been surprised when she was born” in front of a long line of customers. It made me so angry and left me so flat-footed that I planned this out. It works great by the way.
Posted 06 Sep 2007 at 2:58 pm ¶
Alana wrote:
If I remember correctly, Miss Manners has suggested answering this type of question simply with something along the lines of “How interesting that you would ask that!” I think this is a great answer in appropriate circumstances.
Posted 06 Sep 2007 at 10:57 pm ¶
Jeremy Pierce wrote:
You could say that you think matters like that should be private but go on to say that families that look like yours could result from adoption alone, biological reproduction alone, or a combination of the two. That way could explain why you don’t want to answer and address their assumption all within a few words without lying.
It might depend on who’s asking. I’ve never been asked anything like this while alone with the kids, and I don’t think my wife has either. The kids all look so much alike that anyone suspecting them of being adopted would have to think they’re biologically related anyway.
But the one instance when I was asked, it was a young black girl doing the asking, and I think she was just wondering if my son had black ancestry. She asked if he was adopted, and I said no. I asked her why she was asking, and she said he didn’t look fully white. I told her his mom was black, and she left it at that. I think she was a little embarrassed about it, so I didn’t try to make any lesson from it explicit. I suspect she was sensitive enough to draw any necessary conclusions herself.
Posted 07 Sep 2007 at 5:21 pm ¶
Becca wrote:
I (white mother of two adopted children, both multi-racial,a darker son with clipped hair, a lighter daughter with long, ringletty, natural hair) find that I often get “is that your son/daughter” from black or biracial children, but few questions from white kids in my supposedly groovy neighborhood. Parents have more detailed questions, especially now that we have two children: usually “wow, they look so much alike [they don't really except that they both have great smiles and aren't white] do they have the same parents, uh, I mean real, uh I mean y’know, birth, uh are they brother and sister?” I’m taken off guard now, since we live in a neighborhood where we know everyone and they’ve been around when our children arrived. I’m pretty blunt with the “are they siblings” question: “yes”, and am amazed at how people will continue to try to get to their real question “are they biologically siblings” This blog has me wondering about the questions behind the questions: Did their birth mother keep having kids she gave up? What happened to the birth mother after she had a seven year old and a baby? Ugh. I think I’ll just start being more curt. I’ve tried to answer “that’s their business” a couple of times, but it doesn’t really work and sounds like I’m hiding something.
Recently, though, I had an interesting exchange with a woman I’ve known for a couple of years at Unitarian church (which my Jewish, dark curly-haired, blue-eyed husband doesn’t attend). I said something about our trip to finalize my daughter’s adoption six years ago, and this woman had a “light-bulb moment” and asked if my children were adopted… for her, my family just is. She’d met my husband and said a variety of possibilities had flitted briefly through her mind. Birth, previous relationships, mixed heritage for one of us… But she’d never asked. I really don’t think she’d wondered too much. We just are. My kids sit near me or on me or away from me at services, they’re well-behaved at times, and wretched at others. She just liked us, got to know us, watched our children play together. She didn’t spend much time on speculation. Do you think that despite the really rude questions that we can get, that there are other people who might someday become the standard who just don’t bother even wondering? Hmmmmmmm, not that I don’t wonder when I see mixed families ………..
Posted 08 Sep 2007 at 8:48 am ¶
Stefanie wrote:
The typical 60-ish curious woman asked me (white) if my baby girl (adopted, black) was “mine”. I said “no, she is the daughter of the King of Gambia and I’m the babysitter”. As I’m far too old to be a nanny and we were doing the grocery, it was clearly a lie, but she was embarrased enough not too ask anymore…
Once, a woman (again, 60ish, what happens at that age that women are so much more rude?) asked me at a traffic light if my baby was adopted. “Yes, she is”, I replied. At that moment, a little girl beside us, about nine years old, said very loud and clearly to her mother, “Mummy, she shouldn’t be asking that question. It’s rude, and maybe the baby doesn’t know it”. I loved that girl! So I turned to her and said, equally loud, “yes, my baby knows she is adopted (as much as a 10 month old baby can know…) but, regarding everything else, you’re totally right…”. At least, the woman had the grace to blush.
Posted 09 Sep 2007 at 10:53 am ¶
Don't Eat My Buchela wrote:
Anne (Comment # 8). Your answer cracked me up. Thank you for that!
Personally, I pretty much politely answer most questions I deem to be sincerely a result of curiosity or even ignorance. I don’t mind.
But there has been times when all eyes were on me and my son and I wished that wasn’t the case.
Posted 10 Sep 2007 at 1:38 am ¶
Alexandra wrote:
A thought: lies are justified if the inquiring party has no right to know the information in the first place.
Way back in my Catholic high school, we discussed this in religion class. Notably we were discussing the ethics of lying in the case of sympathetic people hiding Jews from the Nazis. It’s an extreme example to be sure.
I think it’s a reasonable test when deciding if it’s okay to tell an untruth. In the case of rude people trying to frame your family as a curiosity exhibit, settling the question by any means necessary might be what you need at that moment, guilt-free.
Posted 11 Sep 2007 at 8:06 am ¶
mei wrote:
How about: “Well, my right breast had work, but the left one is completely natural. Are yours?”
Posted 13 Sep 2007 at 11:47 pm ¶
donna wrote:
Without realizing it, the questioner is putting you on the spot in front of your adopted child. It would be great if you could respond without your child/children hearing the nasty, silly, quick witted come back. Any answer is teaching them how to view adoption.
That being said, when my daughter was too young to remember, a clerk commented, “Well, your son clearly looks like you, but your daughter must look like her father.” To which I replied, “Truly, I really don’t know who her father is [pause, to which her mouth dropped] my daughter is a true beauty though, huh.”
Posted 14 Sep 2007 at 11:05 am ¶