by Anti-Racist Parent Columnist Liz Dwyer
A couple of weeks ago, I was at someone’s home talking with another woman who was also a guest. As we talked, my two sons were hovering around, quietly doing their usual Power Rangers imitation. My six year-old popped over to demonstrate some of his moves for me, and this woman, who happened to be white, reached over and rubbed his head.
“His hair is so cute!” she exclaimed.
Whenever someone makes a comment about my children’s appearance, I always make sure to respond back by emphasizing some virtue or admirable quality that my sons are demonstrating, like kindness, truthfulness, and politeness. In this instance, I shared how proud I was that earlier in the day, my son had, unasked, offered his subway seat to an old lady. My son beamed under this praise and then ran off.
My acquaintance continued on, sharing more of her opinion. “His hair’s so cute that it almost makes me want to marry a guy who’s black so I can have kids with hair like that.” She chuckled at the thought and started telling me how much she hated her straight, blond hair.
Then she speculated about what hair color and texture her future biracial children might get. She wondered if she’d “get lucky” and have some mixed kids with blond-tinged ringlets and blue eyes, because, “Those are sooo cute!” And hopefully, their hair wouldn’t be so “coarse” that she couldn’t manage to comb it.
I sometimes think people say the kinds of things she was saying when they’re trying to show how cool and un-racist they are. I get annoyed by those kinds of remarks but I didn’t want to start a debate at this get together. So, I replied back that I think everyone’s hair is cute, as long as it’s clean and healthy. And, I shared that it bothers me that black children, particularly girls, are often made to feel like their hair is ugly unless their hair is straight.
I’ll admit though, I couldn’t resist bursting her blond-ringlet bubble. I told her that black children, as well as half black and half white children, can actually get lots of different and equally beautiful textures of hair on their heads. I shared that I am biracial, but I don’t have blond-tinged curls on my head, even though there are a few blonds in my dad’s family.
She exclaimed that she would never have guessed that I was biracial because my hair just seemed “like any other black person’s.”
Suddenly my three year-old came running up and rescued me by asking me to take him to the bathroom. The woman ended up leaving early and I didn’t talk to her again. But, when I got home that night, I really started to think about how my boys are undoubtedly absorbing that there is some sort of intrinsic value, or lack thereof, to the texture of their hair.
Even before my eldest was born, I had several black women tell me that I should hope for a boy because boys are easier to raise. I figured they were talking about how with boys I could avoid the drama that sometimes happens between teenage daughters and moms. Instead, these women shared that one of the main reasons having a boy would be easier is that I wouldn’t have to deal with a girl’s hair. Having a girl would curse me with hours of detangling her naps. Then I’d have to learn how to braid her hair. And, once she hit her pre-teen years, I’d need to start spending hundreds of dollars a year to get her hair chemically straightened. One woman told me, “But your daddy’s white so maybe you’ll luck out and that “good hair” will skip to your kids.”
According to that point of view, I did “luck out” because after my first son was born, folks regularly commented that he’d gotten a “good grade of hair.” And I was given lots of advice on how to keep his hair that way. One well-wisher told me to put baby oil in his hair so it wouldn’t “turn” nappy. Another told me not to cut it too soon because this would also “turn” his hair.
As my sons have grown, they are both very handsome. One time, a woman in Macy’s was so taken with them that she loudly proclaimed what future lady-killers I was going to have. She leaned my way to conspiratorially whisper, “’Cause you know sista’s love them some boys with good hair. “
In case you’re unaware what “good hair” is, in some parts of the black community, it’s hair that’s less kinky. It might be slightly wavy. It might have spiral curls. It might be bone straight. But, in all its incarnations, “good hair” means hair that’s closer to the texture of someone of European descent. The further away you are from the tight coils of Mother Africa, the better. Of course, black folks didn’t just come up with this “good hair” notion all by ourselves. Nope, it’s the result of being socialized to value a European aesthetic as the epitome of beauty.
Just yesterday we were driving through Hollywood and saw a billboard of Beyonce. My six year-old commented, “She has pretty hair.” Indeed, if my sons happen to see images of Beyonce, Mary J. Blige or Queen Latifah, all successful black female artists that have been embraced by the mainstream, then they’re seeing thousands of dollars of blond hair weaves, wigs, and lace fronts. What does their natural hair look like? We really have no idea.
But, I can’t just blame celebrities or the comments other people make. When my boys were younger, I had natural hair. And then a couple of years ago, I chemically straightened it because I was stressed about looking professional enough at my job. So, I suppose it could be argued that on some levels I’ve bought into the same socialization I want to shield my sons from. I’m also teaching my sons that what grows out of my head is “bad”.
Obviously I don’t want my boys growing up thinking that they have “good” or “bad” hair. But I also have to take personal responsibility for some of it. So, I’ve started to think about cutting off all my straightened hair and just letting the natural texture grow out again. That way I’d be modeling for them that my natural hair is “good” hair. After all, if appreciating who they are doesn’t start and get reinforced in my home, I’m not so sure they’ll learn it anywhere else.
Liz Dwyer lives in Los Angeles with her husband of eight years, Elarryo Bolden and her two sons, ages six and three. Her great sense of adventure and desire to learn about diverse cultures took her to Guangzhou, China where she taught English to third and fourth graders, picked up some Mandarin, and managed to get into seven bike accidents. Liz taught in Compton, CA for three years and later worked for national education non-profit Teach For America. Liz has written and reflected on the world around her for the past three years at Los Angelista’s Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness. She’s currently freelance writing and working on her first novel.
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My four children are Black and like one of the posts said Black children can have different textures of hair. Right now I deal with people coming up to two of my sons who have curly hair. I hate for people say they have good hair and that my other son has bad hair. I get the occasional “jokes” about their parentage because we are both Black. And like Liz I hate people to rub my children’s hair. My daughter’s hair is kind of straight and she wants to wear it down and loose. I hate for people to comment on the texture of her hair, so I keep it braided or in pony tails. In the Black community it is unusual for children (she’s four) to wear their hair loose. I was ranting and raving about her not keeping her hair neat and in pony tails. So, I let her wear it loose and guess what, the world didn’t stop and it was no big deal. I realized that even though I wear my hair natural I still have some hair issues. All of your posts really helped.
We just adopted our niece – so good that I can now say daughter (!) since she has been living with us for almost a year. Her birth mom (my husband’s sister) is white (as are both of us and our other two daughters) and her birth father is African American (at least, as far as I know, he’s AA, but he could be biracial – I just don’t know).
Anyway, I have been reading and stressing over the hair issue for months. First I just focused on proper washing, since there wasn’t enough hair to worry about any kind of styling… Now, I live in a town of 500 people (yes, 500 individuals – not 500K), in Western North Dakota. We have one good friend who is biracial (and since he’s a guy who keeps his hair shaved, I don’t expect much help with my daughter’s hair from him)… That’s it – he’s pretty much the only AA person I know, so I just don’t know who to turn to.
I can’t even be sure what type of hair my daughter has because I have no experience with any other types. I read article after article – and all the emotional/philosophical issues – but I am struggling to find real sites with pictures and step by step, here’s what you do… Any suggestions on where to look would SO be appreciated. I belive she is going to have looser curls (it is only a couple of inches long right now). When her hair is wet it forms adorable curls close to the scalp. As it dries, it gets puffy – which after reading all the comments on different sites about how I will be looked down upon for taking her out without properly styled hair – I worry about leaving it that way (plus, it still rather thin right now, and not all the same length, it looks like there is just one square section sticking straight up), even if the only people around here are white… Is it OK to leave it like that??
I want to raise her so that she doesn’t look back and be embarassed by how I cared for/styled her hair when she’s grown… I’ve started using small bands to put in 5 little ponies – we think it’s cute, but what do we know? Each pony makes a perfect little spiral when I do… is this Ok? Should I not do this – is it not considered natural? I am careful about the proper care/proper products – but am just really clueless on what the end result should LOOK like… She’s not even a year and a half yet, so she doesn’t have a whole lot of hair, but it is to the point where I need to think about styling it…
I would love some help. The website I have listed is for my business, but you can find a contact address for me there.
I do not want to be an ignorant white woman. Please help.
The five ponytails sound fine. I doesn’t look like you’ll get much judgement from black people in North Dakota because I don’t believe there are many. As far as your daughter and how she might feel when she looks back at her pictures, good luck. Most people have issues with how their mother styled their hair when they were children.
If you get tired of the 5 ponytails try 4 then 3 then 2 and finally one. Try 3 strand braids and 2 strand twists. Wash, lightly moisturize and brush into the ponytails and she should be good to go. Don’t stress, it’s just hair and she will learn to style it herself soon enough.
GM
Thank you, gm… It helps hearing a little encouragement… Where we live, I don’t worry so much, but when we travel just a bit to the east, we run into the cities with the air force bases, so that’s where you see a higher population of AA men and women.
At any rate, thank you very much. I really do appreciate it!!!
First time on your blog…I appreciate anti-racists in all forms, so keep on keeping on!
To Kary and other non-black mothers wondering about the hair thing: This book was written especially for parents like you:
http://hsh.herspecialhair.com/
Cherie King is on a mission to help educate people IN GENERAL (see below) about “highly-textured” hair and how best to care for it.
Also, if you haven’t already visited Nappturality.com, please do. It’s chock-full of information about natural hair care in general. (And yeah, with over 60,000 members, most of them black women, discussions can get interesting, but as an original member, I can vouch that you’ll get a whole lot of good out of them.)
Having said all of this — and sincerely wishing all of you the best of luck — I can’t help but appreciate the irony in GM’s comment. Maybe someday before I die whites can get as educated about blacks as blacks are about whites. Doesn’t anybody besides me and GM wonder WHY so many whites are so deliberately clueless? (Oh wait…that’s because, on the subject of nappy hair at least, so many BLACKS are deliberately clueless. My bad.)
I’m a black woman who’s been happily nappy for 12 years.
I am a white female with a biracial son. His dad is of african american and indian descent. My son is very light skinned, dark brown eyes, light brown hair (lighter than mine) but it is very coarse. His father has “good hair” but I have to just keep his hair cut low and even because it is neither curly nor straight. My son’s father is not involved in his life…However, my fiance is…He is asian. My son wants straight hair…He is confused about his identity. He knows who his biological father is, however he does not exactly accept the black part of him because his dad isn’t around and no one can tell that he is half black! People always assume that his is all white or POSSIBLY hispanic if that…This really bothers me…But as far as the hair goes, while in elementary school, my black friends absolutely loved playing with my hair…Why…I do not know! Its not completely straight or even wavy! Yet everyone always asks ME if IM biracial! Just confused…How is it that I look half black or hispanic but my sson doesnt? Lol…Man, I wonder what my half asian kids will look like! Point is, EVERYONE is BEAUTIFULLY and WONDERFULLY made!! God Bless You All!!!
I am so grateful for the honest and informative discussion of hair. I am Caucasian and planning to adopt AA children. There is so much I have yet to learn, and have a place to learn it. I am also very grateful that a Black hairdresser, who herself has natural hair done gorgeously. (This said from someone who covers the grey, and has no patience with her own fine, sort of curly, poofy hair. We won’t get into the language I used one hot humid day, trying to get a pick through my then long hair. It’s now quite short and I love it.)
I wish all of you the best. By the way I love ‘loc’s, and would love to hear more about the care of them, and any pointers are most welcome. Thanks to LBellatrix for the Nappturality.com site info!
Another question!… Baby’s hair has gotten to a point, where if I leave it un-banded, it looks ridiculous. It doesn’t make a nice ‘afro’, it just kind sticks out all over, gets matted in the back… I think the biggest reason is that it is so THIN – not the strand of hair itself, but it is just very sparse. You can always see her entire scalp – and most of the photos I’ve found for different styles show THICK thick hair.
Banding it, even though I’m extremely careful, is causing breakage because she rips them out… Whether they’re loose so as not to hurt, or tight so she shouldn’t be able to get them out… She manages to get them out, and you can imagine how much hair comes out with them.
So my question really comes to this… Is it ok to keep it fairly short rather than allow it to grow out? The very front most section of hair is shorter (just the way it has grown, that part is farther behind the rest in length) and it seems to curl nicely, closer to her scalp – rather than the rest of her hair that just sticks straight out (when wet, it all curls nicely of course, but even when using product, of course she’s not even two – she’s rubbing her head on the floor, the couch, blankies, etc… so it doesn’t last).
I hesitate to cut it because I want to be sure she’s still ‘girly’ (I had a boy cut when i was little, and people mostly thought I was a boy)… but I’m just struggling with what I can do to keep her hair healthy and looking good.
Kary: I would take your daughter to a hair stylist that knows both children’s hair (which yeah, can be sparse for a while, even on white babies), and natural hair care.
The matting in the back worries me, because I think that can lead to breaking hair. I’d try to comb that out (not straighten, just unknot it), with children’s detangler (usually they’re just water and silicone).
BTW: What kind of shampoo are you using on her hair?
Thanks, Lyonside, for responding so quickly. I do comb out her hair gently every day or every other day, with a children’s conditioning detangler specifically for AA hair. For now I use the children’s Suave shampoo + conditioner, AND the chilren’s suave conditioner – and unless she really rubs her food in her hair or something, I only wash every 7-10 days. Then, like I said, we have the special detangler, natural boar bristle brush, and a PINK product (some type of conditioning gel, I can’t remember the extact name of it).
I think perhaps she rubs her head on her blankie when falling asleep, because it is always worse of course after napping or waking up in the morning – the bit of matting in the back, that is… It’s like a hand full of sections stick straight out that are snarled together – making it look like she’s got horns sticking out the back of her head or something! lol.
It hasn’t grown in evenly at all, so there are a couple of patches, including the front most area that are considerably shorter. I realize any kid can have sparse hair – but since hers wants to just stick straight out and tangle up, that’s why I wonder if we should try to even it out? When I do put bands in, the little pony tails are sooooo tiny that you have to wrap it several times, even with the teeny-tiny bands (i’ve got some that are smaller around than a pencil).
I am in rural North Dakota, so the fact of the matter is that there just aren’t many AA people here or those that know how to cut/style/manage AA hair. Minot Air Force Base is probably the closet place with the best bet to find a knowledgeable stylist (that’s about 90 miles frome here). And I do certainly want to keep her hair natural – at least as long as it is still my decision – once she’s old enough to make her own decisions, that will be up to her, I guess. So, if I’m still baffled, I will try to get up there and find someone who can help.
Oh, and the part that seems to get the most snarled/matted… that’s the longest section! So it really hasn’t been breaking much there, as far as I can tell.
my name is johanne. i’m 25. i have an 8 month old son.
i’m from haiti, which is the country that shares it’s island home with the dominican republic. because of the mixing between haiti and the dominican republic, as well as the mixing that was done back when the french ruled the country a century or so ago, most haitians are of mixed heritage. there is white, black, spanish & other blood running through our veins.
with that said there are haitians who are as white as white can be and some who are as black as black can be and every kind of combination in between. my mother’s mother had white skin and blond hair, yet her features were more african, with wooly / nappy textured hair, a wider nose and fuller lips. my father’s mother had black skin but her features were more european. her nose was slimmer and her lips were thin. i say all that to just help paint a picture of my heritage and my son’s.
in the haitian culture, good hair versus bad hair is ingrained from the womb. i have a cousin who has such a complex with her appearance because she is chocolate brown and most of my family is more caramel complexioned. since we can’t do much about our skin coloring (though she has gone as far as using skin lightening creams), our hair was the one thing that we could change to drastically change our look. so of course when we were old enough to work, we’d save our money to get a fly weave or cool braids or a chemical relaxer. anything was better than our own hair.
so it’s no surprise that my cousin and the rest of my family thought i lost my mind when i chopped all my beautifully relaxed hair and went natural in 2006. my motivation was i was tired of all the chemical burns i was getting on my scalp, my hair thinning and falling out, and just feeling like a slave to that jar. i wanted to go swimming without worrying about getting my hair wet or taking a shower without a shower cap or going to sleep without a silk scarf or doo-rag on my head.
my other motivation, and the one that i want to present to my son as he gets older, is the fact that God made my hair, and all my other features, and He makes no mistakes. instead of fighting with my hair and trying to force it to do something it wasn’t meant to do, I decided to embrace it and love the things that it can do. i want my son to love the creativity of God to make us with so many different shades of color and texture of hair. i want him to see the bigger picture, even if he develops a preference for one aesthetic over another. no comparing, just appreciating the good things that all hair types can do. it’s all beautiful.
finally, i realize that there are a great number of curious people who may mean no harm but forget their manners. after all, black people are the minority in america. we may know more about white culture than white people know about black culure, but that’s because white people are the majority. with that said, i understand the curiosity for non-black people to touch my son’s hair and or inquire about how i groom him. but really, though i understand, it’s still offensive. i don’t want people, random strangers, touching my son’s hair. i feel that hair is to intimate a thing for people to be able to just touch it without permission and a valid reason to do so. I’ve held white babies before and played with white kids, and i don’t remember ever touching their hair. unless their was something stuck in their hair or a valid reason, i never touched their hair. and now that i’m writing this, i’ve had so many occassions of people touching my hair with the excuse, oh, there’s something in your hair and they just put their hands in my ‘fro to take out this “object” that’s supposedly in my hair. i don’t like that.
you know what else offends me? the comments i get from people, black and white alike, who ask me what am i gonna do with his hair, when the boy’s hair is done! i mean hello, why are you askin’ me what i’m gonna do with his hair when it’s done, obviously implying that you don’t think it is done or combed properly or something. my son’s hair is either out in a mini fro or twisted and the back is too short and soft to twist right now, but I often do it in the morning and by the afternoon it looks like he just rolled out of bed, but it’s still presentable. i mean, the kid is 8 months old! whatta ya want me to do, put a razor to his head and cut it off at 8 months old?
now i’m annoyed. so much for posting something enlightening and balanced. i don’t want people to touch my hair or my son’s hair and i don’t want to feel bad for feeling that way or from letting someone know not to touch my hair or my son’s hair
annoyed mom
I agree with Vonetta #46 and what she wrote. Beautifuul. Good Hair I have always told my kids is hair that is washed , combed, brushed and well taken care of. Clean hair. My 2 dautghters are 20 and 25 now. As they were growing up, I couldn’t afford to send them to a hair dresser every other month or so. I decided to learn how to cornrow, braid, twist. The styles for my girls were endless. Every Saturday or Sunday Afternoon, I would braid their hair for the following week. This was a great time for the three of us. Great bonding. My hands were always on their hair. They got lots of compliments. In 1990 when my oldest was in second grade, I twisted her hair for her school pictures. She was a first for twists. No other girl at school wore them, now lots of girls weae them. Through middle school, My daughters contuinued to wear natural hair when all the other black girls got perms. Middle school was rough because girls want to be alike and fit in. My oldest always said, “What am I going to do with my hair?” We straightened it, but it didn’t last a day. I continued braiding their hair all the way through High school. In High school. nobody cares that much about what your hair looks like. My oldest embraced her hair more and more each day. I Mostly braiding the front half of the hair and rolled the rest with rollers. When she went to college, She did get a texturizer but it still looked natural. Her hair is very thick.
Then I taught my younger daughter how to twist her own Hair. She didn’t mind the natural style as much. I tried to use perms in her hair but this always resulted in her hair falling out ( finger snap short) at least 2 or more times. We both learned a lesson. Her hair and head can’t and won’t and don’t like perms. Happy to say. Chemicals don’t belong on your head anyway. Especially on elementary school age kids. Both my girls are trailblazers as far as hair is concerned. The natural styles they started out with many many years ago, are being adopted by more and more African American Women Teens, and little girls. I even told them that everyone is stealing their hair styles. That they have to think of other styles. My oldest wears her hair natural now and she loves it.
After all these years, my oldest has really really embraced her crown of thick natural hair. They both continue to always get compliments from others. Their hair way back then paved the way for the future… that is today and we didn’t know it at the time. Now we do. It must have been God’s plan the whole time. I always delight in seeing the many, many black women embracing their natural hair by way of braids, locks, twists or just straightening with a hot comb or straight iron without the use of chemicals. You go girls!
My oldest gets a texturizer maybe twice a year, but you can’t tell she has one. My youngest started wearing Braids in college. After wearing braids for two years, her hair got longer and stronger. She still wears it natural by twisting it and putting it in a curly twisted puff. Now everyone gives her compliments on her hair and asks,” How do you do your hair like that.” I am proud of the 2 of them. Not only are they both smart, but they are beautiful on the inside and out.
I decided to grow locks for the second time in 2002. Not many wore their hair this way, other than the Rastas. I wanted a carefree hairstyle, a get up and brush up hair style and I got it. My hair saves me tons of time in the morning when I’m getting ready for work. As a matter of fact, My oldest daughter helped me lock my own hair before she wet off to college. I told myself I would some how figure out how to lock my own haird and I did. My locks make me stand out in the crowd. If you don’t remember my name, you will remember my beautiful locked hair that I get compliments on by both blacks and whites. I am proud of myself too.
I hope moms will think twice before taking the perm plunge too soon. Think about the chemicals you are putting on and in your young daughters hair before you do it.
Liz…first allow me to say that I enjoy reading anything you write!
Yes, the hair issue revisited. As a white-looking biracial woman with kinky hair, I’ve experienced my share of racist comments and bullshit.
I learned from the time I was 6 years old that people viewed my hair as ugly and “nappy”. Middle school was pure misery. High school was painful. Boys would tell me that I needed to “fix” my hair. Racial slurs would be aimed at me in casual conversation simply because certain people had a problem with my hair.
I’ve been told that I have “nigger hair” more than once.
My family has never given me positive messages about my hair or anything else. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. They would compliment my cousin and fawn over her so-called beauty. She really isn’t very attractive to be honest, but she has loose curls.
My mother insists that I continue relaxing my hair although I’m 26 years old and should be able to decide what to do with MY hair.
When I expressed the desire to be natural, she stated: “It won’t be pretty…you won’t have soft, flowing curls”.
That pissed me off. It hurt my feelings. I have to spend $$$ several times a year so my own mother will not complain about my hair looking bad or being “difficult” to manage.
My mother was a single parent and I had natural hair as a little girl. As loving as she could be most of the time, she could also be somewhat abusive. I remember her cursing my “bad” hair and calling me names while she nearly drowned me in the middle of washing my hair. I grew up associating hair care with that kind of treatment.
My hair is very long and my mother still helps me with roller sets. I’ve never quite learned how to take care of it myself. I spent $100 at this Dominican beauty salon so they could relax my hair pin-straight and burn the hell out of it with the blow dryer.
My mother sees nothing wrong with that. She encourages it. I believe that my experiences will always be with me.
I’ve dated Black men who made me feel ugly because of my kinky curls…but their hair was no different from mine. Worse, they would openly admire the hair of biracial girls with loose curls or girls of other races.
I grew up hating my hair. My family never had anything positive to say. One of my aunts told me that my hairline was “niggerish”. Yes, she said that.
One of my uncles said that my hair didn’t “look right” because it was a rainy afternoon.
I’ve never been able to love myself because of stuff like this. People have always equated my hair with something bad.