by Carmen Van Kerckhove
I just spotted this excellent list of tips for white parents with adopted children of color over on Harlow’s Monkey. It’s written by Sun Yung Shin in the Summer 2007 issue of MN ASAP Family Voices newsletter.
1. Live in or move to, if you have to, a multicultural, racially and ethnically diverse neighborhood. Make sure your child regularly interacts with people of color in a variety of ways.
2. Study and learn about whiteness and white privilege. Don’t waste time and energy in feeling guilty. Guilt is a luxury of those with privilege. Embrace the opportunity to work for social justice. Study and learn how to be an active anti-racist, and then do it.
3. Understand that even if your child is, for example, ethnically Chinese, she or he will be perceived as “Asian American” or simply “Asian” (or worse, Oriental). Understand the complex and interrelated history of various groups of color in America. Don’t overemphasize traditions from the culture of origin at the expense of dealing with race in America.
4. Be prepared to teach your child how to directly respond to racist comments, questions and incidents. (You’ll have to learn this from adults of color). Never make excuses for others. Never brush off these incidents as insignificant or isolated.
5. Be prepared for friends and family to be confused or even offended by your anti-racist work. Be patient with them and let them know about your new priorities. Continue to make friends of all races who are interested in making America a truly equitable nation.
6. Avoid saying or thinking that, “I’m ___________ too now that I have a child from __________.” That’s simply offensive and insulting to all the people who are really __________ and don’t get to “choose.” Understand the difference between nationality, race, ethnicity and culture — and how they overlap (or don’t overlap) for your child and your family.
Click here to read the last 5 tips
My only quibble is that this seems to be for parents of Asian children. Much of it applies to any children of color being raised by white parents, but not all.
Specifically:
1. I would say parents of black children should make sure to move to a community with black people, not just (any) people of color. The suburb with lots of Asian families, for example, isn’t going to cut it for black kids. And the Texas neighborhood with a lot of white and Hispanic families also isn’t the right place for your black child.
3. For some kids, there can be three cultures. For example, I want my kids to feel comfortable in Ethiopia; amongst Ethiopian-Americans/Ethiopian immigrants in the US (or elsewhere); and amongst African-Americans. These are distinct communities.
6. This phenomenon of parents claiming their kids’ heritage as their own: I’ve heard about this with APs of Chinese girls. Are other APs doing it too? Frankly, I can’t imagine a white parent saying, “I’m black too now that I’ve adopted Jonnie!”
I would add this: Understand how we as Americans have benefited from/contributed to the poverty of your child’s country of birth/birth culture. Work to change that.
In regards to number two, about white privilege: Hear hear! I think there are a lot of (seemingly well-intentioned) white APs who really don’t get this at all. Or they really don’t get that they can’t pass this along to their children of color.
Should a social worker approve a white family
who doesn’t live in an approved area?
Regarding #7, I formed a support group with parents of adopted children and people from a particular region of a country who happen to be oppressed. Some of these people have written articles about the state of affairs in this region and many of the parents have become very uncomfortable.
My position has been you don’t have to choose sides but you do have a responsibility to educate yourselves and your children once they are old enough to understand. However, there is also a part of me that thinks how can some think they have the right to ignore what may be going on there because it’s uncomfortable?
Thanks for posting this — I’d further say that many of these could apply to white parents of biological children of color too. Doesn’t matter which womb that baby started out in, we all need to educate ourselves. I agree w/ the first commenter that the list seems to be geared to parents of Asian children. There are a lot of tips that white parents of African American kids could use. It is critical for white parents to learn about white privilege — I wish I had learned about it before I did, back when my kids were still little. I think in order to be truly effective advocates for the kids, that piece must be there. Nice post.
Really, there’s only ONE item that specifies Asians, and it’s used as an example (3#) – where else are people getting the impression that this is written only for parents of Asian adoptees? Also, the original author has an Asian surname, so given the nature of the ASAP newsletter, I assume s/he is writing from personal experience.
Lyonside, item six also seems to refer to something that happens (I think) more in communities of APs of girls from China. That was actually one of my questions–does this happen elsewhere?
egypt4: It happens with White parents of Black, or biracial, children sometimes. (Funny how the Black parent of biracial children never give voice to such.)
Even when one does not give voice to it, it is often done, within the Black community(ies) from which I hail and have had contact, for/unto the White parent.
You know the saying, “So and so is an honorary…”
But what I really want to know is, if a parent doesn’t live in a diverse neighborhood, or
school, should that parent be approved???
For #6 I think the phrasing is odd, but I think the sentiment is a good one in the sense that as a parent of a child of a different race/ethnicity than mine I have the responsibility and honor to make that heritage a part of my life, my family life and my childs life. I need to make those connections for my child. So while I do not become my childs heritage, simply parenting this child gives me a unique position to be responsible to that heritage. I am not sure that I am explaining it right or am having the right words? I’ve never heard anyone say that thier child makes them __________, but I have heard that type of sentiment and would hope that the person means it in the sense I have described.
Good list – lots to think about and also to educate about. Thanks
hello,
great tips. i think quite a few of these points could be tips for white parents with dual heritage or mixed children, too.
Thank you Lyonsisde for your comment in #5 and I will clarify a little for everyone.
Yes, the article was written by a Korean adult adoptee, but the MN-ASAP newsletter is from Minnesota Support and Preservation – a group that supports all adoptive families (not just transracial or transnational). This particular piece was from a newsletter that featured several other articles including some featuring adult African American transracial adoptees.
Kathy-
To answer your question- YES>…By answering this as no that would be the same as saying certain people shouldn’t live in an area because it is not diverse enough.
To those who have asked whether certain parents should be approved, I’d like to note that white adoptive parents include those who have been chosen by birth parents of color as well as those “the system” has chosen. Too often in our culture (adoptive and generally) I think we forget that through open, domestic adoption, some multiracial families are being formed by actions birth parents have taken. Although this may be a minority of families, as a white parent of an African American child whose African American birth mother and father selected us, I am often reminded of how many people find it hard to believe that could happen. Families are multiracial for lots of reasons and we should all be committed to exposing our children to multiracial, anti-racist people and communities, no matter where we live.
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Those comments do fit children of all ethnicities and races who are members of a diverse family. My daughter was born in India and we have had issues with whites, blacks, and Indians. My daughter is only six and already has had to learn that some people are mean and ignorant. We are an extremely diverse family so until school, different was normal for her. It has been very sad.
My daughter is from India and had to learn
that people are mean and ignorant in her
catholic school from both girls in her class and
other east indian children attending the school.
Hardest to understand is rejection from other
east indian children.
This is an interesting post. I am an adopted child of color and (as far as I know) my white parents did not do any of these things…though I don’t believe it had a negative impact on me.
I found this article helpful as well, and I encourage parents planning to adopt to really dig deep and research this topic. http://www.life123.com/parenting/adoption/adopted-children/making-an-adopted-child-feel-welcome.shtml#STS=g1mjwbgd.1lpd