by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Tiffany Pridgen
Lately I’ve been thinking about what it means to “raise black children,” specifically when the children in question are multiracial. Apparently because they are part black they have to be treated with special consideration as they’ll face special prejudices.
It’s not a subject I typically devote a lot of brain energy to because I tend to see things in black and white (no pun intended), however recent conversations on the message board of a mother’s group I belong to had me scratching my head. I avoid discourse about race when the audience listening is mostly black because I catch a lot of shit about my inability to fully relate because I’m of the high yellow persuasion. You know the deal – my fairness has afforded me opportunities not presented to my browner sisters. Yeah. I’m not convinced.
How can people who have uniracial children [black] portend how my multiracial child’s social experiences will play out? I don’t need to be told that we should gird our loins and prepare our children for a lifetime of injustice and prejudice. I especially dislike being told that not addressing it on the hope that they’ll not encounter any guff out in the real world is naive. I’m fully aware that years from now if/when my son brings home a white girl who hasn’t been prepared for the fact that, tada, he has a black mom, chances are good her eyes will go all wide and she’ll need to reboot her brain to overcome the shock that my boy ain’t pure.
What the hell do people expect us to do? Should I start telling my son early on not to trust white people and that he’ll have to work X% harder than his peers? What if I had been the white parent? If I were to discuss this topic with my husband right now he would look at me as if I had shit for brains. Why would we tell our child to be wary of how people will treat him and then plop him on his white grandparents’ sofa each holiday with the expectation that he’ll find them to be exceptions to the rule?
As of right now our plan is to inform him that jackassery is an equal-opportunity personality trait–that he should hope for the best in people and if they turn out to be turds, oh well.
I know I had to work harder to be taken seriously and to not continuously have my intelligence questioned. Even in college I had a suspicion that my professors (including the black ones) thought I was there because the school needed to fill a quota. I didn’t have that suspicion because the dark-skinned grandmother who raised me had warned me about this sort of treatment, but because I had a good knowledge of history (and geography as I live in a formerly Confederate state) and the common sense to apply it where necessary.
I just can’t imagine that there should be any formal curriculum in place for parents to go by to prepare their multiracial children for social prejudice. Although, if you’d like we can work on one here. Hmm, let’s see — in Kindergarten parents should start telling their part-black children that they’re “black” and not pink/yellow/beige/tan when working with them on colors and trying to find a Crayola that matches their own hue when drawing themselves (no shit – I was having my hair done several weeks ago and another client was helping the stylist’s daughter color. When she asked her what color she should make herself [trick question] the little girl [age 4] said “brown.” Rightfully so. The woman then went on to explain, “Oh, no, no, no, you’re black.” The little girl scratched her head in confusion and the client went on to explain “Your skin is brown, but your race is black.” Um, okay. What was the point of that conversation, then? Did she really feel an itching need to put that in the girl’s head as if she didn’t have any self-awareness whatsoever?). In first grade they should continue the one-drop-rule lesson and explain that only Zebras can be both black and white simultaneously when looking at pictures of zoo animals. Etc.
I really feel like parents do more harm than good emphasizing their children’s perpetual exclusion from the mainstream. I just can’t fathom sitting my son down for a serious discussion and saying, “Son, I hate to tell you this, but because your mom is black, you’ll need to prepare yourself for a life of social injustice and constant discrimination.” I would be just as successful saying, “Listen, kid. Some people are assholes–don’t take it personally.” Being non-white isn’t a handicap we have to make special accommodations for. Everyone, with the exception of wealthy white men, will meet some form of discrimination in varying degrees. Some people have to be better fighters than others.
Some folks contend that it’s not about that — that black-multiracial children should be aware of their culture. I say what culture? Are we supposed to be celebrating the blackness that is the entire continent of Africa as I don’t know what tribes my ancestors specifically originated from? I would imagine that to be rather disrespectful from the perspective of an actual African just as it would be for someone to suggest that all Asians are Chinese and should enjoy shrimp fried rice. Is it African-American culture we’re supposed to be indoctrinating him in? I don’t know what that is, either. I wear pastel shorts with Sperrys and have problems swaying, clapping, and singing simultaneously on beat (the church youth choir was happy to see me go, I’m sure).
We’re going to raise our son to be a polite, respectful, Southern gentleman. We’re not going to feed him warnings about what he may potentially face because I truly believe we’d be setting him up to living a fearful life. We’ll let him discover on his own which personal lessons to commit to memory and if he wants to talk about it, we’ll be ready to help him parse through it all.
Tiffany Pridgen is the mistress of snarkymomma.com: a blog where she recounts daily the joys and frustrations of being a modern momma. She lives in Durham, NC with her son and husband.
Timely message! I’m the divorced white mother of two biracial kids andI go back and forth on what (if anything) I should tell them about what may (or may not) face them in the future based on their skin color etc.
Culture just is. You can teach him history, which is a part of culture, but most people seem to mix that up with culture itself. Either way, there are so many parts to a culture that you can continue as you are. You don’t need to traumatize him to raise him. I’m teaching my children to be human beings first…so my oldest still speaks in shades of brown, light brown, and pink. He doesn’t have an understanding of the nicknames we give races such as ‘black’ and ‘white’. But he knows who he is – a 6 year old who loves Spiderman, playing with his brothers, and going to school (yeah, I know!). We live in a 99% South Asian community, so he hasn’t encountered the type of racism that I faced growing up, but he eventually will, and when he does, we’ll draw on our family values to help guide him.
I’m a white adoptive mom of a black child and what I want to protect my kid from is not the “jack- assery” per se but feeling like she has to deal with it herself. I want her to give and expect to get respect. I want her to know that she’s got people on her side (not just us but lots of people). She should expect that she will run into ignorant people and she doesn’t have to put up with their nonsense. Knowledge is power, I figure. I think that kids needs to be taught to recognize when they might be up against silent racism (or any sort of jack-assery) and taught strategies to deal with it.
Oh goodness, there’s so much I can say here, and it’s so late at night that I don’t think I have the energy.
I think, for one, there is something in defining for yourself – if for no one else – what you consider to be Black and what’s multiracial?
So often I hear the parents of children they dub multi or bi racial say things like, “His father is Irish and I’m Black,” or “I’m German and French and his father is Black.” And I always wonder about this, because after all, what is Black?
Often Black, particularly in this country, is exactly what you call your child – multiracial. I’ve known very few Black people who didn’t have European and/or Native American ancestors as well as African ones.
You say you’re “high yellow” – which means you clearly have ancestors who were not African. So why do you think of yourself as Black and your child as multiracial?
I think there are some problems with how we define race in this country that cause more divisiveness than anything else. In a home where there’s a self-identified White parent and a self-identified Black parent and a parent-identified biracial child – it seems that there’s more focus on how everyone’s different than the same – even within a family.
Personally, I have chosen, as a “high yellow” Black woman, to identify Black as the shorthand term for a multiracial person with ancestors of African descent. When I look at all the Black people I’ve known and known of in my life it is the only definition that fits all of them.
OK, so going with my definition of Black – what do you tell a Black child about what they will face in the world?
I think you work with it day by day, experience by experience. Because you don’t know what your child will face. It’s impossible to know.
I don’t believe in setting children up to expect the worst of people out there. And yet, I think you have to arm them with some information.
I have chosen to arm my child by making her aware of the history of racial relations in this country. Little by little, trying to phrase things in ways that are appropriate for her age at the time, I have shared with her information about slavery and civil rights and some of the amazing, intelligent and talented people who were Black and lived throughout history.
Fortunately, for the most part, she has encountered very little overt, or even subtle-but-obvious discrimination in her 8 years. I can only remember one time, fairly recently, when she and I went into a small store and were followed around. When that happened, after we left the store she asked me why the person was following us and I explained why.
I think it’s important, for her self-esteem to explain these things. She needs to know that in instances like this the person’s behavior is a result of their misguided thinking and personal shortcomings – and has nothing at all to do with my daughter’s or my behavior or character.
I grew up in an environment where racism was not overt. It was very, very subtle – at least to a child. And no one explained to me why people behaved or treated me in certain ways. I came to believe that the rejection I received from my White peers was because of some personal shortcomings on my part. If only I could be thinner, funnier, more outgoing, then maybe they would accept me. If only an adult had taught me that the rejection was based on something I couldn’t change and was their problem and not cause by me.
I started this fearful of going on too long – and that’s exactly what I’ve done – and yet not said half of what I wanted to. I just have to address on more thing and then I’ll let it rest.
You say you don’t know what culture you could share with your child. And it seems that you reject any possibility that there is Black culture.
And yet, I think every group, no matter how small or large has it’s own culture. Families each have their own culture. Neighborhoods have a culture. And certainly different ethnic groups have a culture. There are various behaviors and perceptions, comforts and dislikes, experiences and stories that are common to many of the people within any group. I think it greatly diminishes the connectivity of Black people to suggest that there is no common culture.
I know I’ve gone off on a few tangents and not directly answered your question. So let me end with a clear answer. No, I don’t think that it’s a good a idea to prepare children for discrimination if to do so means to set them up to expect people to treat them poorly because of their ethnicity.
However, I do believe that teaching children the history and culture of the people who make up their family is a good idea. And when those children encounter discrimination, it is worthwhile to help them identify and understand it.
I think Natasha does a great job of addressing alot of these issues with her kids over at
http://multiracialsky.wordpress.com/category/questions/
I get what you’re saying and a lot of us grapple with just how much information should we share with our children before it becomes us just unloading our own baggage. I usually wait for situations to arise and discuss my interpretation of the event and if the situation is warranted I might give a little history lesson, as well. Being black or even a little black isn’t as cut and dry as it use to be. A lot of things have changed and a lot hasn’t. It’s all a judgement call and as long as you’re cognizant of this fact there is a lot of relevant information you can share.
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I am biracial myself (eurasian) and the mother of a quadri-cultural, trilingual, monoracial child. Karen has just nailed something for me – the overwhelmingly most-important value I have is R-E-S-P-E-C-T. But in my book, respect has to be earned. My child is already learning what respect means and that she should expect it from others (especially her rather bossy best friend). This notion of respect also concerns particular incidents that are the result of systemic racism. I explain, we face them together. More than anything, my daughter needs to know that this concerns everyone and is not just “her problem”.
I understand your desire for individualism, but most of us human beings have certain shared experiences or characteristics that are used internally or externally to create groups (gender, fraternity membership, region, language, religion, etc.). Frequently, others treat us based on what they percieve our group membership to be. “Race is how others see you and culture is how you see yourself.”
I think Julie makes a lot of very good points. I have just started explaining discrimination and racism to my five year old Black/Hispanic son in clear, simple terms. He is old enough to notice people’s attitudes but doesn’t have the language to ask about it. He hears about Slavery and Civil Rights at kindergarten (around MLK day especially) but doesn’t understand his connection to that history. He asks me things like “Do Africa people have houses? Do they sleep on the floor? Do they have cars?”. He’s getting cultural mythology about Africa and knows he is African American – but the two don’t add up in his mind. I think he needs basic information, historical context, and consistent positive reinforcement for his own self image and his image of Blackness. I am continually seeking more guidance about what he needs and I really appreciate reading what everyone else thinks here on this blog.
All parents regardless of race should realistically prepare their children for life in this cruel, unfair world. The world has never been and will never be a nice place to live, especially if you’re poor.
All children should be told they will have to work 10X harder than the next guy just to keep their head above the water in this world. In the new global economy this applies to both white, black, and multiracial children.
Some of the most tragic persons I have met in my life have been wonderful capable black men deeply crippled in life by their overwhelming feelings of hurt and anger at racial injustice. It is as if there was a massive betrayal of trust too great to bear.
I feel it is important for my son to be warned ahead of time and told that the biased/bigotted/or racist people and social artifacts he will in encoutner are plain wrong rather than led to believe the world has totally turned around since the time of Martin Luthor King Jr. It is not fair to have a child/young person be completely surprised when they start to run up against racism that the family cannot insulate them from.
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I’m a Caucasian mom (sidetrack: the term white has always bugged me. As my son says, I’m not white, I’m peachy.) to two Guatemalan boys. Although they are half brothers, one is very brown, one could pass as Caucasian most of the year. Our town is getting less completely Caucasian, but they are still in the minority. I find that my time is better spent getting out of our town and into the nearby city as much as possible, where they can see a diverse range of people than it would be trying to innoculate them against racism with my words. When they see that the director of our church is Latino, that mom’s good friend at work is a male African, secretary, and that dad’s co workers come from every country under the sun, they have armor against people dismissing them because of their color. I do let them know that I will personally pound anyone who gives them grief (Mama has a brown belt in 2 different styles of martial arts – they know I can pound people!). But I don’t want them walking around waiting for someone to say something racist to them either, if that makes any sense.
I came across this blog by chance and it is so something that I need to share with you from the other side of the Atlantic. Brace yourselves though, I got carried away and I make no apologies.
Here’s the deal. I am AfriCAN, rather proudly so. To break it down further, South AfriCAN and here’s where it gets tricky, I was classified ‘coloured’ (inverted commas a necessity for this discussion, since it was the apartheid gov. who gave official classification to a race born of centuries of white and all other slaves cohabitation, including slave from Malaysia, Indonesia and Java). I became actively aware of racial issues at a very young age and once the discussions became vocal, I began to subscribe to the ideology of Black Consciousness (BC) which in short revolved around the idea that if you aint white, you’re black, simple as that, everything else didn’t matter and to a large extent it still doesn’t. At the same time I was listening to hip-hop artists from the East Coast like Public Enemy, KRS 1, XClan, read extensively about the NOI, Malcolm X, Huey Newton, Black Panther party, Dr King, etc. I found an understanding amongst these readings, but I still took my path from my own heroes and heroines back home.
My own personal dilemma is that as a result of the Asian mix in the race, I look very Pakistani or Indian, and even amongst the coloured community I would need to fight hard to prove otherwise (there were strong underlying tensions that existed in the area where I grew up which would sometimes even turn violent). With this said I once experimented with the idea of trying to pass of as someone of Indian/Pakistani decent and even ventured into dating a girl from that community, thing became ugly when I had to meet the family. In travelling the world, again I was confronted with this issue and a kid on a bus in London could not and would not accept that I am South African because of the texture of my hair (regardless of the fact that my skin colour is light texture of mid-night, but no less). I married a woman from my community and in another country she’d be classified as white or at the very least Mediterranean, hardly yellow. Our daughter was born around Sept 06 and Iqra (we’re both practicing Muslim, add that to the whole mix why dontcha?) looks oh so Malaysian (with the most preciously beautiful slant eyes – is that derogatory? If it is please forgive me I hardly mean it that way – when she smiles you can hardly see if her eyes are open and it glows my heart all the time). My wife’s seven months pregnant again and I am so excited to see what beautiful gift God has waiting . So see me and my family walking down the street and wonder what race we are? Quite frankly I don’t care, I Muslim, I’m human, I’m AfriCAN, I’m South AfriCAN, I’m black but the most important thing is I’m happy and I’m proud and these are the values I want my kids to have as they grow up. Confronting race is like confronting anything in life you do it with a smile and humility and respect and all those other positive values we want our kids to have.
Today I’m reading a book about the rise and fall of White Afrikaner Nationalism in an attempt to confront why my people had to endure what we did, to reconcile the fact that not all white people are inherently evil and sadistic. I find that this sort of thing helps to bring closure for me, it helps to heal some of the scars and wounds that I see black people and more importantly people in general walk around with. Because I realise that racism when inflicted affects not only those who receive but worse so those who act out. It’s hard and it’s tough, because it still exists today, but I believe the key is to do it and continue to do it.
A man sat in prison for 27 years he was branded a terrorist by not only his oppressors at home, but those from the ‘free world’ and as he walks out of the gates that kept him from his life but from important things like the burial of his son, he tells me to forgive them. I was around 19 at the time, I was filled with hatred and a need, a desire to pick up my AK47 and ‘fight the power’ as it were. But I looked in his eyes that day (go look up old footage, you’ll see it I swear. He has a smile in his eyes much like the one I was telling you about that my baby has) and I knew just then that I had to listen to him, because if I didn’t, my country would have been just another AfriCANT country. Today South AfriCA is indeed blossoming with so much hope and prosperity it makes me come alive.
I know that I can never truly be healed and I doubt whether my baby will be either and I also know that he knew that too when he told me to forgive them, but I believe by the grace and beauty of God that surely one day it will end.
Thank you for reading my 2 cents worth of banter.
I am a woman of privilege, as is my husband and my two children. I am white, my husband is Black, and my two children are bi-racial. I grew up much like you, and I am raising two Bi-racial boys in America today, who are growing up much the same way, with privilege. But what happens when they encounter ugliness? And, racism is ugliness. How can I protect them, they are my kids! Do we, as parents, worry too much about race? My oldest told me “Mom, everyone is brown in school, why are you so stressed?” He’s right, we live in San Diego County, but, not everyone here has privilege. But we do. I think that we have to prepare our kids to know that there is ugliness in the world, but that we do not have to let that ugliness in, if we choose not to. And, know too, that it is the right of every good parent to worry and stress over their children, regardless of color, privilege and race. As long as we do out best at the time, it will be good. And I do worry, although it does not consume me. Right now, I just love my family and work on instilling in them self-esteem and the knowledge that they are special. I think adults worry much more than kids. Answer questions honestly and sincerely. Teach and educate. Have multi-racial friends and family, and enjoy life. Kids will see this, and incorporate it into their own life as they become adults. And always respect one another and play honestly.