by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Margie Perscheid, originally published at Third Mom
I have a little pendant that I’ve worn for many years. It’s tiny thing, a little gold filigree oval with the word ???, omoni, which is Korean for mother, in the center. I don’t remember where I bought it, from an online store I think. But I do remember that I fell in love with it when I saw it. I wore it because it reminded me of the most important role in my life, being a mom to my children.
Never, as I wore it, did it occur to me that I might be crossing the line between cultural respect and appropriation. Believe me, I’ve crossed that line, mostly unknowingly, but I try to be sensitive to it. I just didn’t think in cultural terms when I wore this pendant, I thought in terms of the fact that omoni is the Korean word for the most important role of my life.
It goes to show that even when we think we “get it,” we may miss the mark by a mile. I certainly did. A post at Sang-Shil’s that I read is what pulled me up short. Go read, and come back.
My husband and and I never have asked our kids to call us appa or umma – I want to make that clear because wearing my pendant was never about that. The point is that it was about me – my thoughts and my ideas on how to respect and honor their culture. In honesty, I didn’t question for a moment that my kids or any other Korean adoptees might find it odd, uncomfortable or offensive to see a white woman wearing a pendant proclaiming herself omoni. I wore this little pendant for close to fifteen years because it made me feel good – proud and sentimental, too. I also believed my children would see it as a sign of love and respect for them, as well as their culture, people and language.
I failed, however, to see the obvious, which is that I’m not omoni – my children have omoni in Korea. Those omoni have missed an entire lifetime of being mom to these amazing kids. While I’ve had the joy of watching them grow up, they have had to bury their pain in wondering. The very, very least I can do is give them, and my children’s aboji, their rightful titles.
This changes nothing about the relationship I have with my kids – I’m mom, we love each other as deeply as people can, and I’ll be there for them as long as I’m alive. I think, actually, that respecting the people who gave my children life makes our relationship that much stronger.
And so I’ve put the little pendant away – I won’t be wearing it anymore. I thought about sending it to Korea for my son’s mother, as I bought it when he was very small. But I think instead I’ll give it to my daughter. Perhaps she’ll wear it someday, when she’s an omoni herself. Or maybe, if she is fortunate enough to find her omoni, she’ll choose to give it to her.
Somehow that feels right.
Margie Perscheid is the adoptive mother of two Korean teens. She is a co-founder of Korean Focus, an organization for families with children from Korea with chapters across the country. Margie is on the Board of Directors of the Korean American Coalition DC Chapter, a former board member of KAAN, the Korean YMCA of Greater Washington (now KAYA), and ASIA (Adoption Service Information Agency). Margie writes about her intercountry adoption experiences at Third Mom. She, her husband Ralf, and their two children live in Alexandria, Virginia.
Great post. Your children are lucky to have you as their “American” mom. I am adopting as well and it’s important for me to be open and aware to what’s for me and what’s best for her. Thanks for sharing.
I appreciate your deep thoughts and respect for your children but I have a different feeling about wearing a pendant that means mommy in Korean. No matter what the language you are your children’s mother, adopted or not. It is beautiful to me to wear the word written in Hangul. I grew up calling my parents mommy and daddy and when we traveled to other countries I referred to them as mommy and daddy in those languages. Though the alphabet and sounds may change the meaning is the same. By wearing the Hangul pendant you could in no way disprespect your children’s birthparents, they made a choice not to parent and gave you that gift. Enjoy it and celebrate it across all cultures.
Wonderful post. I don’t have one of those beautiful pendants because I never considered myself to be the kids Umma. I will admit that I wanted one since they are very beautiful but after my DS came home and he cried for his Umma for 3 months, I would feel awkward in wearing it.
For my kids, their Umma was the one that they called that in Korea. Their foster mother is Umma and their Appa is their foster father. I don’t lay any claim to the title of Umma and my husband doesn’t lay any claim to Appa.
My son came home crying for his Umma for several months and that Umma wasn’t me. Our first daughter didn’t call me that either and neither has our second daughter who still at times cries for hers in Korea. It’s a title that I don’t want to take away from our children. To them they have a Umma already and she lives in Korea and for them that Umma is their Foster mother.
For me, I honor my children’s First Mom by wearing a heart shaped pendant that I picked up while in Seoul in November 2007. It is to remind me of the love that their First Mom still has for them.
I think aparents need to do their best to not appropriate their child’s culture, but this example is pushing it for me. As an aside, if a child was adopted in Korea, using the term would not at all be considered a slight to the first parents. What would be most important is how they were spoken of and remembered by the aparents as they reared their child.
Granted, Shang-Shil might be reacting to the extreme examples of aparents who don’t “get” the importance of birth famililes, but those issues are much deeper than a Korean name on a pendant. I feel like focusing on a caucasian mom, decorating herself in what could be considered a tribute to her child’s roots, takes away from the real problem of how aparents should mold their children’s views of their first families.
“Obliterating” or “erasing’ are very strong words and I think a parent like Margie, who seems to understand the important role of ALL the parents, hasn’t done either of those things by wearing her pendant. Obviously she has made a different choice, but it could have become another opportunity to talk with her kids and emphasize the importance of first families. Maybe it could have become a symbol of her commitment to honoring her children’s birth parents as well as the meanings she has carried with it for 15 years.
Parents do have to walk carefully WITH their children as they guide them towards a cultural identity. Therefore, the bounds will get overstepped on occasion because the parents and child each have their own paths they need to walk on and sometimes they are very close. This just isn’t one of them for me.
Unfortunately Julie made my point exactly — it isn’t neccessarily the pendant that is the problem, it can be the aparents view of the birth families that is the real issue.
Many birth parents, especially in international adoptions, didn’t truly “make a choice” to give up their children. Political, social and economic issues in a country are more often the reasons birth parents have to relinquish.
Thanks for the comments, all. I appreciate hearing the different points of view, and really do respect them.
I know in my heart that all the years I wore my pendant that my intentions were good. But sometimes, I think, you have to get beyond your intentions and imagine what others might be thinking.
I think, too, that the situation for transnational adoptive parents is a little different that that of multi-national and multi-cultural families whose children are born to them. For example, my husband isn’t American. If our children had been born to us, could I see myself wearing jewelry or clothing that said “mother” in his language? Yes.
What has pushed me to a new place is really trying to wrap my head around two things: What some adoptees might feel seeing this pendant on me, and what my children’s mothers would feel. Certainly some would have no problem. But others would, and I no longer want to take the chance.
It also occurred to me as I worked through all of this in my head that had I never worn it, nothing about my relationship with my children would be different. So it seems like a very small sacrifice to make.
Above all, there’s no judgment in my decision. Other adoptees and adoptive parents will feel differently, and should act accordingly.
“they made a choice not to parent ”
uh, what Max said. Or maybe they died, but continue to assume you know what happened and why if that makes you feel better.
Just because something MAY be cultural appropriation, it doesn’t mean that it is. I don’t think their either your pendant, nor Korean American adoptees calling their American parents Umma and Appa are “obliterating” or “erasing” first parents, in and of the actions themselves. I think it is an important possibility to consider, but then it is most important to understand what meaning YOUR CHILDREN place on those things. They may experience your pendant in a different way.
I have to disagree. I think wearing that pendant shows pride in your child and their heritage. So many people think of and send subliminal messages to our families that adoption was “plan B” or a second choice. A show of pride in the childs’ origins is one small message that can be sent to the contrary.
Also, should mothers of domestically adopted persons not wear a “Mom” pendant?
What should be important is not your accessories, but your words.
Margie – thank you for your perspective on respecting your children’s birthmother and heritage. I am a Korean adoptee and think it would be a wonderful idea to save the pendant for your daughter if/when she becomes a parent. My baby calls me Mama now but she is learning a few Korean words too.
Julie – a baby or child is not a “gift” that was dumped off at the resale shop or brought by the stork. A real Korean woman gave birth to the baby and most likely could not keep him/her due to poverty or cultural factors that do not allow single or divorced women to keep their children.
Soo Ok, thanks for reminding us that a Korean woman’s decision to place her child may be much less about choice than it is about poverty and societal stigma.
That, and the point of view Sang-Shil expressed in her original post are what ultimately changed my mind about wearing this pendant.
And please remember, fellow a-parents – I wore this pendant for 18 years. I am in no position to judge anyone’s decision to do the same. I’ve just grown into a different point of view.