Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
I’m not an anti-racist parent, and I don’t exactly plan on becoming a parent any time soon. I’m nineteen years old, biracial, and I have three half-brothers from opposite sides of my family. My mother’s son is Puerto Rican and Pakistani, and my father’s sons are Polish and Irish. They’re all under the age of six.
I would love advice on many topics, but primarily this: I know on some level how to help my mother’s son deal with all of those irritating, though often innocently intended questions (“What are you?” “Where are you really from?”) and assorted other problems; I’ve dealt with them myself. But how do I help raise my two other brothers, those who have white and class privilege, who will never face these questions? How do I help make them good activists and advocates from a young age? They’ll be coming from an upper-middle-class mostly white suburban background. Their parents don’t seem particularly invested in really instilling this in them beyond ‘be nice to everyone, skin color doesn’t matter.’
My other question is “How can I help raise all of them to be good feminist men? How can I help them be confident non-traditional men who actually respect women — and not ‘respect’, in the chivalrous fake sense of the word? I may not be a parent, but I do have a hand in raising them, and I suspect that if I play my cards right, I’ll be the one they talk to when they have problems. How do I make the best of this?
These questions may be somewhat vague, but I think about them all the time.
Thanks so much.
From Anastasia in San Francisco
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Wow, I am a mom of three boys and am sorting through those very same questions. But, I am in a different position of power than you are, as I am able to have a little more control over who they socialize with. Plus, my children are multi-racial so they’ll have to eventually address those issues.
I think your awareness alone is going to help facilitate that. Talking to them about race and privilege as they grow up will probably help them to be more comfortable when they have to deal with different races. I would suggest that you share with them your good experiences first like “I’m so happy that I was able to share in both sides of my background growing up” or “we all have to understand our privilege, I know I did, and it wasn’t so bad” or “lets be human beings first before we gender ourselves”. The ease in which you deal with those issues will set the stage for how they deal with them.
I’ll echo what the first commenter said: just talking with them will be a huge step. Most white kids (including me) grow up being told that race doesn’t matter but seeing that it really does. We end up afraid to talk about it because of that inconsistency, and also because of discomfort with our own privilege in that inconsistent system.
If you can give them permission to work through some of that confusion with you and pass on the things they hear from classmates and stuff so that you can help them see what’s right and what’s not about those things, it will be a huge step.
I’m the white father of a bi-racial teenage daughter and two white sons (age 1 and 3). I often ask myself the same questions that you’re asking. I’m glad you brought them here, and I’m anxious to see other’s answers.
I think it’s important to emphasize that color blindness prevents us from seeing all of the beauty that culture adds to our lives. Mostly, people claim color-blindness just because they’re uncomfortable speaking openly about race and culture (they’re color-mute not color-blind). You can really help your brothers by making sure that they’re not color-mute. Give them the skills they need by talking with them and helping them talk with others.
I’d also recommend that you check out Beverly Daniel Tatum’s book “Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria.” It’s a great resource on how kids come to understand their racial identity. You don’t have to read the whole book, just the parts that apply to you and your brothers.
Finally, keep educating your parents. I’ve learned so much from my daughter. And what she continues to help me learn will certainly help me be a better anti-racist parent with my sons.
Wow, those are very thought-provoking questions, and I commend you for asking them. I, too, am interested in other people’s responses–I am the white adoptive mother of Asian twins, and while I am hyper-aware of racial issues, I’ve never had to deal with them personally. So I’m not sure how to prepare my daughters for what they may encounter, nor am I quite sure of the best way to teach my white biological sons to be anti-racist and feminist. I’m looking forward to reading others’ insight.