by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Paula, originally published at Heart, Mind and Seoul
On numerous occasions in the past, I’ve been fairly unsuccessful in trying to convey how many times I’ve felt that the messages and attitudes perpetuated by our society about adoption often leads me to feel that I am reduced down to nothing more than a commodity. . .a tangible item that people with the right kind of credentials and qualifications can pick out and pick up. . .a product that in theory, shouldn’t be available for return, but in fact, sadly is. . .an object that is believed to come from some other place, manufactured by another country instead of being born to two living, breathing human beings.
And time and time again, I’m told that somehow along the way I must have lost my sense of humor or the ability to empathize or that I should really try harder see other people’s points of view. After all, they probably had good intentions behind whatever it was they said or did.
So I’m trying to find the humor and the good intentions behind these t-shirts. But I have to be honest; I keep coming up with nothin’.
I don’t think any of us would be especially pleased to hear our child referred to as an “it”, an object, an import or a scrap. And yet, I don’t see how these t-shirts aren’t committing the exact same offense.
I get that parents are excited and proud of their children and their families. I understand that many of the messages in our society about adoption infer that adoptive families somehow aren’t as worthy or as “real” as those who claim a biological connection only. But I don’t see how these kinds of t-shirts and the scores of others like these do anything but undermine the legitimacy of their own family and especially the dignity of their child. Do people really feel that they need to slap a t-shirt on their child to proclaim to the world that their kid, too, is indeed an American? Seems to me that those confident enough in their own skin as adoptive parents wouldn’t feel the need to use their child as a moving billboard to announce any such kind of message.
So I’m trying to locate my sense of humor about these t-shirts and I’m trying to see the perspective from the other person’s point of view. But from where I’m standing as both an adoptive parent and as an adoptee, I find no redeeming qualities in either of these shirts. I know there are plenty of people who will see these t-shirts as completely innocuous – as a fun and light-hearted way to take pride in their family. And of course they will continue to be purchased, along with the others that bear the slogans:
- “I AM the real mom!”
- “My favorite book says we’re ALL adopted“
- “YES, all these kids are mine!”
- “So I’m adopted, you were an accident”
- “Forgive me, I’m paper pregnant”
- “I’m living proof that adoption is beautiful”
- “I WILL be a mother”
- “Growing in my heart, expectant adoptive mother” (Arrow pointing to a heart with the word “baby” on it)
and the numerous others that I feel only feed into the existing inaccurate, misunderstood and negative perceptions about adoption in our society which ultimately and – most importantly – do nothing to advocate for the voices, the realities, the losses and lived experiences of many, many, many adoptees and first parents.
Yes, it’s just a t-shirt. And Gotcha Day is just a phrase. And “China doll” is just a term of endearment. But it doesn’t mean they each don’t exist without impact and without consequences. . .maybe not to the people who employ them, but perhaps to someone else. Why shouldn’t their feelings matter, too?
Sure, one might think it’d be oh so witty, cute and harmless enough to create and sell a shirt that reads:
“Adoption. It’s not just for infertiles anymore. Just ask Angelina.”
and put it on themselves or their child. But somehow I don’t think they’d go over nearly as well as the other witty, cute and harmless ones available for purchase. Something tells me I don’t think they’d even be allowed to be sold in the same place as the other witty, cute and harmless ones.
I think it’s important to stop and ask ourselves why. Could it be because the impact would be felt by the the group in adoption whose feelings are often the most protected and taken into the greatest consideration; the voices of those who are most always first and foremost represented when it comes to how society thinks, acts and talks about adoption?
Contrary to what others may think, I really do make a very earnest attempt to look at things from the other point of view; to contemplate how my words could potentially impact another person’s feelings, regardless of how cute, funny or fitting it is for me personally. Regardless of how good my intentions might be.
In the case of these t-shirts and others like it, it’d be refreshing if those making and buying them could take a moment and think of how they could potentially impact another person’s feelings too. Regardless of how good their intentions might be.
* * *
EDITED TO ADD on 3-13-08: Shortly after this post was published, I received an email from a waiting adoptive parent who designed one of the t-shirt slogans listed in text portion of the post (not either of the actual t-shirt images). With her permission, here is an excerpt from the email she sent to me:
“While I might not always feel comfortable reading your blog, I think that’s a good thing. When I first designed the shirt, I hadn’t yet thought of how my child might see it one day. . . at that point, I hadn’t fully processed the necessary tragedy that would occur for me to have a chance at this joy.”
She went on to say that she hadn’t realized how offensive they might be to her future child or other adoptees and has since removed her design from the location where the other t-shirts are sold.
I was deeply moved by her email, and I let her know. I told her that I know of course that not all adoptees share the same thoughts and opinions that I do, but that I was truly appreciative of the fact that she was willing to hear the voices of adult adoptees, including my own. She said in a subsequent email that she reads the stories of adoptees and first parents because she wants to learn. Based on our email exchanges, I truly believe that she approaches her future role as an adoptive parent with an open heart, open mind and a great deal of humility – all of which I believe are necessary characteristics for every adoptive parent.
So, thank you, Ms. “X” for your email and for taking the voices and experiences of adoptees and first parents to heart. I have received other emails from prospective adoptive parents and adoptive parents alike who share your sentiments and I am both heartened and encouraged by the future dialogue and changes to come that will help ensure that all voices in adoption are heard.
I’m so glad that mom read the post with an open mind and decided to remove her design from her inventory.
Speaking of offensive, there is a new tv show called “The Return of Jezebel James,” which I really wanted to like because I like Parker Posey and Lauren Ambrose. Posey’s infertile character wants a child, but won’t consider adoption because she “wouldn’t want a stranger using her bathroom.” Disgusting, disappointing and degrading all in one line. A line that is actually said twice in the pilot episode.
Paula, this is a great post. Your experience with the designer-mom is such a wonderful example of how people’s awareness can change in the course of a few conversations. That type of experience is truly why I love doing what I do — the ability to bring a new sense of “a-ha” to this world. Your post also gifted me with an “a-ha” moment. Thank you!
You know, I mostly agree with this post, however for women, myself included who are physically unable to have children, and share in the joy that pregnant women feel with every little thing marketed toward how TOTALLY AWESOME it is to be pregnant, the rest of us are left out of the cute and fun and excitement and it does feel like a sort of slap in the face to read your words.
I guess it is only inoffensive to wear shirts and bumperstickers proclaiming your complete and total joy at finally becoming a mommy if you’re able to get pregnant.
>I guess it is only inoffensive to wear shirts and bumperstickers proclaiming your complete and total joy at finally becoming a mommy if you’re able to get pregnant.
I don’t think that’s the point of the post. I understand why you are defensive, but the points raised by shirts like this are ones of objectification (the idea that these babies are “made,”). Some are also phrased in ways that come across as culturally insensitive or insecure (why does one have to proclaim “100% American” for example?)
Take the one: “I AM the real mom!”
That’s downright confrontational. There are birth parents who would likely feel trivialized by that statement on an adoptive parent’s shirt. And there are adoptees who would say that all of their parents are the real ones.
I’m sure there are other ways to be proud of and show pride in being an adoptive parent without 1) trading on exoticism if the child is born outside of the US, 2) talking about the kid like they’re made in a factory, or 3) putting down birth parents of adopted children.
Some of those remind of the shirts that the Mormon friends of my mom used to wear, because their family was so big that people would refuse to believe that a dozen children could have come out of one woman’s body, and she would be happy about it.
I definitely see the commodification aspect as negative, but I’m a little lost as to how “paper pregnant” is offensive.
I “get” why these sell – but I would have to guess that these are selling to brand new adoptive families – that are overwhelmed with the big joy in their lives and not yet having begun to think about all of the things that happened in order that they are parenting this child.
With a little time comes a little thoughtfulness, hopefully a lot of reading and listening and hopefully some perspective that although adoption made their parenting dreams come true, that adoption itself is not a dream come true situation.
I do agree with you about a lot of these shirts (remember the Urban Outfitters shirt “Babies are the new Black?”), but the shirts adoptive mamas wear are acceptable to me. Unlike a biologically pregnant mom, they do not have a belly to grow and show they are expecting. What is wrong with wanting to let the world know (albeit on a tshirt) that you too are expecting? Just a perspective from a mom whose son didn’t grow in her belly. thanks!
“My favorite book says we’re ALL adopted”
…what?
“My favourite book says we’re ALL adopted” – I believe is referring to the Bible and the belief that all mankind are children of God.
But it is a very odd thing to put on a T-shirt.
Could someone enlighten me to why the “paper pregnant” and “growing in my heart” ones are offensive?
Also, to Karen:
My guess is that’s a reference to the Bible, specificially the parts where it says that God is father to everyone. Since he’s not our biological father, we must be adopted.
I think.
Lyonside, I said I agreed with most of the post, didn’t I?
However, I fail to see how “Paper Pregnant” is an offensive slogan, other than to pick at an excited expectant parent for wearing one. Please explain to me how shirts like this, which were included in the criticism in the OP do any of the three things that you claim they do?
And thanks, but I was adopted at eleven years old and three of my five children are adopted, so I can pretty much speak on what isn’t offensive,
Thanks for the clarity with which you presented your feelings. On topics like this one, I often feel a vague discomfort and a notion that something is morally wrong, but am unable to explain it to others. You provide a great article to jumpstart conversations with other people on this topic!
“Paper pregnant” just always sounded weird to me, as if I was going to give birth to a ream of documents.
My personal objection was that it seems to perpetuate that ‘adoption is second best’ mentality. If we can’t get pregnant, then we have to do everything possible to make our experience as like pregnancy as possible, or else we’re not ‘real women’. Bah. I waited for my children, I prayed for them, but I was not ‘pregnant’, and that doesn’t mean I have to hand in my female license for one that says ‘other’.
Very interesting. I too am an adoptive mother. I have learned that I must always consider the impact on my child above and before all else. And while this has unique meaning to me as an adoptive mother, I actually think that all parents need to think this way. When you have a child, what you want is no longer the most important thing.
One of the writers who addressed the issue of offensiveness seems to imply that it is not fair to say that a woman who is and can get pregnant can wear a shirt proclaiming her joy with out being offensive, whereas an adoptive mother to be can not.
Maybe it isn’t fair. Life isn’t fair. It is not unfair because someone is doing something to you that is unfair or unjust. It is just the way it is.
But this is not an issue of fairness. I know it hurts to be infertile and to be bombarded with all the pregnancy capitalist stuff out there, but wearing a shirt in order to get those kudos and responses is an example of putting your needs above your child’s. Once the child is here, their needs come first, and yours very often don’t matter at all, so you might as well start now. Someone once asked me how I was able to visit my daughter in her country of birth when she was 6 weeks old, and then return home and have to wait months to be able to bring her home. They said they thought that would be too painful. I spontaneously responded that knew that over the course of her life I would have to do many things that would be in her best interest that would be painful to me., so I figured now was the best time to begin on that path.
It is really important to deal with our issues of loss re: infertility before we adopt, and to not put them on your child. The t shirt to me is an example of focusing on our own needs above our childs. And it is not asbout whether the child will ever see a photo of you in the shiort or kniow about it… it is about adopting an attitude that respectsa nd the realities of adoption with all of it’s joy and pain… the child’s pain. An attitude that demonstrates understainf9odng to your child that this is about him or her, not about you, and that s/he can fully express his/her feelings, positive and negative, re; beong adopted without fear of hurting you. my daughetr, when 5, told me she wished she could be with her birthmother. Some said that must have hurt me. It did not. It has nothing at all to do with me. I told her that I understood and that she could talk about that anytime she wished.
No t shirts for us.
“And thanks, but I was adopted at eleven years old and three of my five children are adopted, so I can pretty much speak on what isn’t offensive”
To YOU, sure. I’m allowed to take offense at whatever I want without consulting you first, thanks.
“Paper pregnant” and “born in my heart” are trivializing the first mothers of your adopted children – that is why they are offensive. You are the parents, yes, but you did not give birth to them, they were not “born in your heart.” It also trivializes the first chapter of your child’s story.
Personally- I love the “She’s my mommy not my nanny” t-shirt I got for one son. I find it proactively answers an all to common and intrusive question (or playground stares).
Will my son be embarrased one day by this shirt? I assume so. Does it trivialize racism? Absolutely. Could someone be offended? Sure. And I hope they stop me in the street to talk about it.
Kudos to the adoptive mom t-shirt designer. She sounds like a great mom, period. (I could learn some things from her – and I’m adopted!)
As another adoptive mother I’d like to chime in and say, while I was thinking of the big picture during our wait, the biggest thing to me was the excitement of being a mother so I might have bought one of these shirts had I saw them. (I did have the ultrasound of China on my blog) It wasn’t until meeting my daugher, I could truly understand all of the heartbreak and trauma that she experienced through her first year. No matter how long the wait was to me, her wait was much, much worse. And how, now, her needs are superior to mine.
>However, I fail to see how “Paper Pregnant” is an offensive slogan, other than to pick at an excited expectant parent for wearing one. Please explain to me how shirts like this, which were included in the criticism in the OP do any of the three things that you claim they do?
Amber, my comment talked about other shirts. I used your comments as a jumping-off point, true, but then I spoke generally. Sorry that wasn’t clear. I actually didn’t single out the “paper-pregnant” one. So feel free to apply my comment to every shirt cited except that one, OK?
>And thanks, but I was adopted at eleven years old and three of my five children are adopted, so I can pretty much speak on what isn’t offensive,
Which is why I didn’t not say ALL adoptive parents, adoptive children, birth parents, etc. I said SOME. To say otherwise would be patronizing and false. But to pretend that noone would have problems with it is also false.
The reverse is true – just because it doesn’t pertain to you, doesn’t invalidate what I said.
One person never speaks for every person in a similar situation. All it can do is add to the complexity of the situation.
As an adoptive mom of 2 biracial children (now teens) I know that it took me a long time to “get” a lot of the “real heart” of adoption from every angle. In fact, 20 years later I am still learning, open to read, ponder, ask, and be wrong.
I think that’s what we all need to do – be willing to learn, every day for the rest of our lives:)
Thanks for the AWESOME post.
My personal objection was that it seems to perpetuate that ‘adoption is second best’ mentality.
Now I have always had a problem with this comment. Simply because YES, adoption is second best! In fact, for some adoptees and birth moms it is WORSE than second best. It is about pain, uncertainty and confusion.
It just seems silly to tell an adoptive parents that they must not look on adoption as a second best choice but must allow their child to see it as such. That they must never tell their child to life is unfair – deal with it. But they must first see it that way before they can adopt.
I have two biological boys and one adopted girl. My boys are blessed enough to not get “second best” – growing up with their biological mother. My daughter is not so blessed and if she feels that way in life I would never try and pretend otherwise. And I would never try and tell a mother who did not get to experience pregnancy that she should feel otherwise.
Pingback: From Anti-Racist Parent: “T-Shirts that trivialize the transracial adoptee experience”, and from New Demographic: “Is America ready for a *real* discussion of race?” | Adopted The Movie
Freedom of speech is a beautiful thing, even though it cuts sometimes. The t-shirts are perfect examples. Although a message may offend at first, hopefully the offended person would reflect on why the message offends… and make personal, healthy changes. Or make a succinct case via blog, reaching thousands of people.
Well done.
I understand what you are saying in the post, and I can understand how those tee shirts could be offensive. But it’s like you are saying that adoptive parents shouldn’t be happy for the blessing they have been given, like we should feel guilty for thinking adoption can be a beautiful thing. Yes, there is always loss and pain when adoption is involved, but does that mean we can’t see the joyful part of it too? I plan to address any feelings my daughter has about her adoption, both negaitve AND positive.
I had no t-shirts, though I was so tempted to buy one. The reason being is that for me it was something so personal. My joy was my own. I would not be upset at a parent wearing a “paper pregnancy” t-shirt, or “born in my heart”. Sharing happiness is never selfish. The other shirts are hurtful but a mother stating to the world that she is happy about having a child join their family is not a sin. I love and respect you and read your blog often for guidance. I am not perfect and neither are a lot of adoptive parents, but we cannot keep insisting that everything they do is to totally clueless. In a perfect world, our children would be with their biological parents. They are not in a perfect world. They are in a world people with a good heart (maybe a little clueless) are trying to do the best they can.
wow, well I hope all of those paper pregnant moms have fun with their paper babies. the shirts are neither clever nor funny. pretty sure pregnancy entails actually giving birth, not just being handed a baby in a parking lot. puh-lease. dumbest shirts ever.