by Anti-Racist Parent Columnist Jae Ran Kim
A few months ago my family reached a new milestone in our lives as a multi-racial family. My 14 year-old daughter has her first “boyfriend.” I have to admit that I have long been very curious about who my kids would choose to date. In our home, we have tried to be very careful about being as inclusive as possible with the subject of dating/relationships. My partner and I have never placed the expectation that our kids would be heterosexual, for example, speaking of future “partners” instead of “husbands” or “wives” and talking not about marriage, which is a heterosexual privilege, but of commitment ceremonies and partnerships. We’ve tried not to assume or project an expectation that they would have children or parent someday either.
The benefit of that is having a child who is open-minded to the possibilities of all kinds of love relationships. So when my daughter told me this week that she and a boy at school had decided to be “girlfriend and boyfriend” I was more than thrilled to find out her boyfriend is not white.
And then that got me thinking. It’s not that I disapprove of her dating someone who is white. Her father, my partner, is white. So why was I secretly pleased that my daughter was dating a person of color?
I have had to confront some biases lately and it’s been uncomfortable. I’ve had to think about if I have been non-verbally encouraging my kids to date people of color. And if so, is there some hidden racist reason for this?
I also had to wonder whether I am secretly living out my own latent desires, having had no opportunity to date people of color. I was raised in such a white town and had no opportunity to date people of color in high school. By the time I was in college I was already engaged to my partner.
I wanted my kids to have a broader experience, more choices. I feel better when I surround myself with diversity. My kids have been raised to appreciate and celebrate all of their ethic heritages and maybe my fear was that if they partner with white persons they would think of or value their Korean heritage less – or that they will be less likely to hold on to their identity as a multi-racial person. Which I know is an assumption as many people, myself included, have held on tightly to our multi-racial and multi-ethnic identities despite having relationships with white partners.
I realize I’m worrying about my kid’s future partners a little on the early side; after all, my daughter has just started to date. She’s only at the beginning of her dating life.
I once asked her if she found herself more interested in boys who were white or boys of color.
“It doesn’t really matter. Except that if they’re white, they’d have to ‘get it’” she said. “You know, they’d have to understand racism – like, really get it.”
So now, my job is to be open and supportive. And trust that she will choose someone who is good to her, no matter who she brings home for dinner.
Jae Ran Kim, MSW is a social worker, teacher and writer. She was born in Taegu, South Korea and was adopted to Minnesota in 1971. She has written numerous articles and essays and is most recently published in the anthology “Outsiders Within: Writings on Transracial Adoption” from South End Press. Jae Ran’s blog, Harlow’s Monkey, is at http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/
What she said about only dating a white person who really gets it makes a lot of sense. It sounds like you’ve done a good job.
It’s funny because even though I am white, I often think it would be nice if my daughter dated another mixed-race person, just because they would understand certain things about her better. Of course it is years away for us.
Love, respect, and truly valuing a partner in an environment of giving and trust should be goal for any relationship. If your child has that the color of the partner should not matter. From a disappointing white daughter-in-law of ethnically Korean man.
Nice post. My kids are 20, 18, & 15. If I’m honest, I have to say I have a preference that they’d date people of color. I do not, however, feel that this is “racist”. Your daughter nailed it with her comment, “Except that if they’re white, they’d have to ‘get it. You know, they’d have to understand racism – like, really get it.” Good on her! That’s the rub, right there.
People of color MUST develop a deep understanding of white culture, but white people do not ever have to understand say, the African American culture, or Native cultures, unless they choose to. Even then, white people can walk away from dealing with it whenever they so choose.
My feelings about whom my kids date are not based in exclusion, or not “liking” white people (I’m white, so that wouldn’t work so well), but rather in wanting my children to be involved with people who understand those issues and are committed to addressing them. I think lots of times the PoC either ends up pushing things down, to make race “not an issue”, or they end up expending a bunch of energy playing teacher to their white partner who hasn’t had an awareness of racial issues prior to the relationship.
My eldest daughter is at an HBCU, so dating has become much easier for her. She didn’t date at all in high school. My middle daughter just broke up with a long time white boyfriend. He definitely had no understanding of racial issues. My son has had a white girlfriend for 6 months (!!! Can’t he wait ’til he’s 30?). There are not many African American young women at his school, so it’s difficult. She is a wonderful young lady. I like her very much, and she’s been a very good girlfriend to my son – especially in how she puts studying as an absolute priority, ha!
But my point is that even in the best of circumstances — my son’s girlfriend is fantastic — the white partner may not have a deep understanding of the experiences of the PoC, or the commitment to actively address those issues. To me, the belief of, “Oh, race just doesn’t matter!” is not good enough. It’s not good enough to simply “not be prejudiced” … I want more for my kids. If they can find that in a white person, that’s great, but the reality is that it doesn’t happen all that often, and the PoC is often on the losing end.
Good for your daughter, sounds like she’s really got a strong sense of what’s important. (good job, mom!)
PS: Geez, I have really got to learn to the fine art of brevity …
My daughter is bi-racial and 16. So, we’re a little bit ahead of you on the timeline. These conversations started with us when she was in middle school and trying to figure out the rules about who gets to date who. She had the black-white dynamics all figured out. Then I asked, “Well, who do you get to date?”
“There’s a Brazillian guy who’s kind of cute,” she said. That’s when I knew that she still didn’t have it all figured out. She was just trying to figure out who else didn’t fit in to the simple rules.
Since then I’ve noticed that she has a clear preference for kids who are multi-racial. Occasionally she’s interested in a black guy or a Latino guy, but rarely a white guy.
As a white father myself, you’ve made me think that it’s time to re-engage her in this conversation to determine how she should evaluate what type of guy is right for her.
I like your daughter’s answer about white guys who get it. I hope she’d have the same expectation of boys of color too. If there is ever another man who loves my daughter as much as I do, I want him to understand her as well as I do.
Great that she’s dating! Many of today’s singles (teens and adults) eschew dating for ‘hooking up’. Yes, even at your daughter’s age. There’s a great book on the subject, called Unhooked.
As a single dad active on the dating scene, I definitely see a hookup culture where women and men are not willing to sacrifice their education/careers/single-parentness/etc. for a partner. It’s sad. Which is why I applaud your daughter for actually admitting to having a boyfriend. (I have a 16 year old daughter, so these subjects are of even more interest to me.)
Graig, I really liked your point that just being a person of color doesn’t necessarily mean that one “gets it.” Case in point, my daughter’s boyfriend is Ethiopian and second generation. There are a lot of racial tensions between the immigrant African community and African Americans in our area although my daughter says this isn’t the case with said boyfriend. The two of us have talked a lot about how race is one factor, but class and immigrant status is yet other layers upon layers. I was concerned his family wouldn’t be accepting of her, because she’s not Ethiopian! Fortunately they are accepting too.
more cowbells, I think you nailed it for me. I have been partnered for 21 years and I had to do a lot of educating (both for myself and J) to get to a point where he now begins to understand how I feel being a Korean American. The “race doesn’t matter” part IS something I worry about with my children dating people who are white. Especially since we live in an area that has a lot of white people who think that the “race problems” have been solved (i.e. no burning crosses on the laws lately.)
So far (fingers crossed) she still tells me almost everything about her social life, so I’m lucky to have so much information about the thought processes as she matures!
I know an Asian adoptee who thinks she is drawn to white guys because her brother and father are white. That comment still uncomfortably rings in my head, but I could never understand why. I think your post highlights my fears.
I love your daughter’s wise words (and Graig’s important addition). I think it is good to move the dating discussion with our children a bit away from skin color to focus on “understanding racism”.
I still struggle with marrying into another culture. Since we live in an area with a lot of immigrants (and are friends with them), I do understand how it can be hard for some families to accept their children’s marriages to a person of another culture. Even if each partner successfully keeps their racial identity and customs, things can get more difficult when the children/grandchildren arrive as the children’s parents start to pick and choose which customs and traditions to follow. I’m already concerned about my daughter learning Chinese and truly understanding the culture (impossible I know) in case she joins a Chinese family through marriage one day. Bottom line is that all marriages (or partnerships!) require A LOT of work so I hope I’m at least able to steer my children towards looking for partners who “get” them and hopefully they will be able to give their partners the same respect.
Graig, I can understand your distaste for the hookup culture, but with a divorce rate of about 1/2, many kids have not grown up in a 2 parent home and are gun shy.
Also, as for choosing a career over a partner, what is a person supposed to do while waiting to partner up? Live at home? Women are more likely to make career sacrifices after marriage, so it makes sense for them to get closer to where they want to be beforehand b/c husbands are not asked as often as wives to pick up and move b/c their spouse got a job/fellowship/grad school enrollment.
More cowbell, do your daughters have different personalities that might explain their high school dating differences (social butterfly vs. reserved bookworm)? Is the younger daughter less phenotypically african?
My daughters are only 4 and 2 … but I’m sure I’ll look back on these years with a “Where did the time go??” feeling!
I share the same sentiments as many of the other ARPs out there, and I also wanted to congratulate you on the decision to include all types of partnerships of love. In one of my previous posts, I wrote about my 4-year old reminding ME that “family” does not = mom/dad/child. It was so rewarding to have HER remind me of that! As hetero-identified, I always try to teach her (age appropriate) that we all have privilege in different ways and at different times. And, it’s so important for me as a parent to help her understand that as early as possible.
Kudos! I’m sure I’ll be looking for all this advice 10 years (at least, I hope!) from now!
Lunanoire:
Since divorce isn’t typically caused by people being casual about sex, I’m less inclined to attribute hook-up culture among kids to the divorce rate, as I am to attribute it to cultural and media influences that promote hook-up culture and casual attitudes about having sex, to children and teens.
People make and keep non-marital, non-hook up commitments all the time, and being gun-shy about commitment is not the same thing as being all about the hook-up. Some who are gun-shy will choose abstinence or serial monogamy.
I am 20 years old and have spent my whole life in a predominantly Irish-Catholic town, attended an all-girls’ Catholic high school and am now in a Catholic college. I, however, am not Catholic…or Irish. I am 100% Armenian and grew up in a Protestant church. My parents never stressed “not dating” a certain person, rather, they hinted here and there at how wonderful it would be to marry another Armenian. Both my parents are Armenian, as both their parents were and so forth. Most of their friends married, surprise…fellow Armenians. The importance placed on keeping the Armenian race going is rooted with the devastation our race endured in the early 1900′s. In 1915, a genocide wiped out nearly half of our people. This genocide has become a motivating force within Armenians to keep our culture alive. So, although my parents would never forbid me from dating or marrying someone who is not Armenian, the wording they would likely use is “it would be wonderful” or “you would be so much happier” or “wouldn’t you love to” marry and Armenian.
I think that because I have been exposed to the Armenian culture and have seen Armenian couples grow old and watched their children marry other Armenians, I have always thought that it was just what would happen to me. However, surprisingly, I found myself in high school being attracted to and dating only non-Armenians. My parents never said anything against the boys that I dated, but the moment I brought home my current boyfriend, the first boy that I have dated seriously, their reaction was something different from times before, it was a reaction I had been almost hoping for. They were thrilled when they found out that their little girl was dating a good Armenian boy (it was almost an automatic plus), and imagine how much happier they were when they got to know him and realized what a great kid he actually was.
However, sometimes I find myself wondering what their reaction would have been if the boy I introduced to them as my serious boyfriend was Asian, or African American, or Spanish—anything that is noticeably not Armenian. I think that it is important to make your children aware that the mere color of their skin, their ethnicity or their race should have nothing to do with choosing who they want to spend their lives with. It is their morals and values, their personality and their ability to love among many other things, that should be taken into consideration.
Along with the rest of the comments I agree and absolutely love your daughter’s answer about “getting it”. I think one of the most important things in life is to “get it” and not be ignorant the stereotypes and prejudice that are living among us and within us, knowingly or unknowingly.
I love this post…my daughter is white white white. There’s just no getting around that. One of my biggest concerns when I placed her at birth would be that she wouldn’t grow up with the same values that I would have raised her with in regards to racism, sexism, heterosexism, etc. I plan on raising my parented children using language as you mentioned, “partners” instead of “boyfriends/girlfriends”, etc. I am very fortunate in that I think that DD’s Mom is on a similar page.
Great entry. Your thoughts made me think of this “Modern Love” column by Kim McLarin from over a year ago called “Race Wasn’t An Issue for Him, Which Was An Issue For Me,” also concludes that she can’t date someone, especially a white guy, who doesn’t “get it” about race. So it’s not just an issue for “the next generation.”
im a white teenage male and i think i know why some of these parents are somehow satisfied with their children having a non white partner. I think its because you all are so worried about your children having one bit of prejudice in them, its a relief seeing them having a partner of another race. Can i just say, if your children are only having boyfriend/girlfriend relationships with their own race, dont get upset, realize that its completly natural for us to date/ hav relationships with our own race. Take it from a white person who Is a Minority on my street and in a heavily diverse school. Just to say again, dont stress yourself out with this whole “We want Diversity Now” type of talk. Not to be rude, but if any of you have had the privilage to go to Europe, Im sure u noticed theres mostly whites there. Do u think they’re under priviledged there? I dont think so. Again, i didnt mean to sound rude. I understand that the parents on here want to expose their kids to diversity because they are not around it. But im saying u dont have to worry about them being misguided just because they are around Euro- American culture. just dont teach them to be prejudice and they wont be prejudice!