Comments

1. Yoli wrote:

   It is so important to live in a diverse community once you adopt transracially. I see people adopting transracially and they live in a predominantly white neighborhood. So their child is the token child of race. They think that it is their mission to educate the community. Think of the children first, think of what role models they will need. Going to an ethnic restaurant or having a neighbor of color does not cut it. The needs of the child come first before your need to have a child.

   I am sorry that you had such a blow from your half sister. That must have been devastating and you should be commended for the way you handled it. It is sad to loose a sister but blood does not make a family. As you very well found out. I wish you the best with Gracie, she sounds like such a wonderful little girl. I am sure that your family is already the more richer for having her in it.

   Posted 14 May 2008 at 10:34 am ¶

2. SF Mom wrote:

   Hi Catherine,
   I recognize so much in your story. Our daughter is 7 now. We’re always learning how to be there for her, and how to educate our extended family. And our joy in her is indescribable. But what I really want to say is…. welcome to SF! No place is perfect, but this is a good place for tranracially adoptive families. If you’ve heard of PACT, they have created a wonderful and educational community in the Bay Area for adoptive families with children of color, with workshops and a family camp. Some TRA families have a playdate the first Sunday of each month. Hope to see you around! http://www.pactadopt.org/

   Posted 14 May 2008 at 1:13 pm ¶

3. Perdita wrote:

   Thank you for your wonderful story. We adopted our African American (actually, he’s not quite African American in the historical sense, but he is African via Europe and now also American–so we do feel a sense of identification with Obama on this score!) son last year and it has been an amazing experience. Luckily, we have found a lot of support in our community, and we have been meeting many transracial couples with children. However, I still worry about what the future holds. I sympathized with your observation that sometimes it’s hardest when you’re just out and about running errands. Yesterday, some woman followed me around the playground questioning me about whether our baby’s father was black (she gestured to her hair, whatever that means) and then told me that “they” are “good, hardworking people.” I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Then when he had a crying fit in his stroller later, I felt everyone in the world was checking us out. You definitely learn that you’re never inconspicuous! Anyway, thank you for sharing your story.

   Posted 14 May 2008 at 4:26 pm ¶

4. slackermom wrote:

   thanks for the piece. i too am sorry about your sister. that would hurt for sure.

   and ah the hair! my foster daughter from years back was biracial, she had amazing hair, and i loved it down, or up in two poofs, but the women in TJ maxx would barely let me out the door without counseling me about braiding/twisting/conrnrowing and hair products… and oddly enough, none of them had hair anything like hers.

   now that i have two children through transracial adoptions, i have done my dance with the hair gods. i know the importance, i value it, and i live it. but i still get frustrated that a little african-american girl with an african-american mommy can have a bad hair day, and my daughter can’t w/o everyone thinking it’s because her mom is white. a small price to pay, i know.

   it sounds like you made a good move for your family. i lived in a diverse neighborhood when the kids were small, but moved a few years ago to white suburbia when i married my husband. going from a bachelor of 46 years to a husband and father of two instantly, with one on the way, which then turned in to two… well that seemed enough for him to do all at once. so we moved in with him, but it is not the place we want to raise our family and are now looking to move again… and i can’t wait one more second! the place we’ll be moving to is well known for intentional diversity.. not perfect by any means, but it sure beats where we are now. we’re in a “great” public school area, but send our kids to private school for diversity. it’s nuts.

   Posted 14 May 2008 at 8:06 pm ¶

5. Kohana wrote:

   It’s interesting that you have people offering advice for Gracie’s hair. Is that in Atlanta? We lived in Nashville and only once did I have someone offer me a suggestion. Actually, they looked at my son’s hair, my pregnant belly (son was adopted, and then I was pregnant) and said “if that’s a girl, you’re going to have to learn how to do HER hair.”

   I like your confidence. In the above situation I had to give myself a pat on the back and acknowledge that I can’t whip out the hair stuff every time my son rolls in leaves at the park or plays in the wind! As transracial adoptive families, we are visible all of the time, and that has its challenges for our children, more than for us, I think.

   Posted 14 May 2008 at 10:17 pm ¶

6. SF Mom wrote:

   One piece of advice — appreciate all the helpful hints about your child’s hair. It’s a way to make acquaintanceships, and your child will be observing how you react when strangers approach you. I learned so much and met so many nice people through all the unsolicited moms and aunties and grandmas offering me advice. I always thought I was doing a good job on her hair and yet now when I look back at her baby pictures….. well, I had a lot to learn! And that’s OK. Now I actually am good at hair, and moms and grandmas stop me to ask ME how I did her style, and we wind up chatting. So don’t take it amiss. When we adopt an African American child, we are signing up to respect that hair care is culturally important. I have met so many nice people by chatting about hair! If I were defensive about it, I would have really missed out.

   Posted 15 May 2008 at 12:19 pm ¶

7. paul wrote:

   “We told her that we just wanted a healthy baby girl and that was it.”

   race matters. you know what else matters? gender.

   Posted 15 May 2008 at 8:27 pm ¶

8. Chris Horton wrote:

   This is a fantastic article and I am proud to say the author is our adopted daughter.
   I hope to see many more articles written by her talented hand and heart.

   Chris Horton

   Posted 16 May 2008 at 9:36 am ¶

9. Catherine Bray wrote:

   SF Mom – Thanks for the advice. I have learned some great things about my daughter’s hair from talking with others who have a lot more experience then I do. My comment in the story was not that I was defensive every single time, but sometimes my daughter has a bad hair day and when I’m rushing through the store because we’re out of baby wipes, I hate being stopped and told exactly what I’m doing wrong. Sometimes we just have bad hair days. I will be more open to suggestions and remember that people are only trying to help. Thanks for your advice.

   Kohana – I haven’t had anyone stop me in San Francisco yet to discuss her hair so the majority of the time it was in Atlanta.

   Paul – I’m not sure what you mean by “gender matters.” We specifically asked for a girl, so we were clear on gender. I guess I’m confused. Can you elaborate?

   Posted 16 May 2008 at 12:23 pm ¶

10. Janine deManda wrote:

    I wanted to second the welcome to the San Francisco Bay Area! I also wanted to take a moment to offer another local resource – iPride playgroups: http://www.ipride.org/3/index.html

    Posted 16 May 2008 at 1:25 pm ¶

11. Lula wrote:

    I think Paul is taking issue with the gender-specific request, i.e. “We want a healthy baby girl” instead of “We want a healthy baby”.

    Don’t want to be putting words in Paul’s mouth, though, so hopefully he will come and clarify himself.

    Posted 16 May 2008 at 5:56 pm ¶

12. Ansley wrote:

    “Paul – I’m not sure what you mean by “gender matters.” We specifically asked for a girl, so we were clear on gender. I guess I’m confused. Can you elaborate?”

    I don’t want to speak for Paul, but I asssume he is speaking about the bias for girls in adoption. There is a saying that goes, “Families wait for girls, but boys wait for families:. My guess is you wanted a girl because you already had a son. However, many adoptive parents prefer girls because of stereotyping- Girls are easier to raise, they are more calm, they’re sweeter, moms (who tend to drive adoption) think they will be best friends with girls, etc.

    I have to admit, I thought the same thing when I read the sentence Paul referred to. Why not an AA boy?

    Posted 17 May 2008 at 12:50 am ¶

13. Tess wrote:

    I am a bit horrified by this article.

    “We finally decided that we wanted to adopt an African-American girl because we felt strongly that she would be a part of an amazing journey for our family.” – A racially educating journey? Has she been chosen to be responsible for helping her family learn to be less-racist? Black people are often seen by whites to be the ones who need to teach them about racism. I can’t believe that this is happening to her and she’s not even born yet.

    “Since we adopted Gracie we have seen a dramatic transformation in our family. It’s amazing what holding a sweet infant in your arms can do to some of the deep-rooted racism that is taught and sometimes passed down unknowingly to future generations.” – Great. Gracie has helped relieve the author of “deep-rooted racism” through being cute. So, what? If more Black people were “cute” there would be less racism? What about when Gracie grows up to be Black teenager who’s pissed at you for being so arrogant and self-righteous. Do you still feel that “deep-rooted racism” lifting? Is “love” ultimately the cure for racism? I really can’t believe this. Is no one else seeing what I’m seeing? Is no one else appalled? While I would never say (and don’t want to believe) that white parents should not adopt Black children, I have yet to see anyone who’s done it right.

    Posted 18 May 2008 at 10:02 pm ¶

14. Kate wrote:

    Tess-
    I had a similar reaction to this article…
    I don’t want to knock a new parent, and I know all parents have a lot to learn and unlearn, but… yeah, when I read this article I was a bit horrified too.
    I was also struck by the fact that the author was close to her half-sister without being aware that she was a white supremecist. If the topics of race, racism and white supremecy never came up until Catherine adopted a black child, I think that is something very important for her to think about and examine, like why did this never come up? Is/was race a taboo topic of conversation? Was it not something she considered important? Was she afraid of saying the “wrong” thing? Is she aware of the white privilege that allows her to go through life without thinking/ talking about race and racism?
    That said, we all start somewhere.
    Despite it’s flaws, this essay sounds like it was written by an intelligent, compassionate and self-reflective person, and that certainly counts for alot on your “journey.”

    Posted 19 May 2008 at 1:38 pm ¶

15. Catherine Bray wrote:

    Paul (and others): my husband and I chose to adopt a girl because his extended family going out to 2nd cousins are 75% male. We have a biological son, Porter, who is two years Gracie’s senior. Since it was likely that all biological children we have will likely be male, we decided, good or bad, to request a girl if possible, but we would consider all. If we choose to adopt again, we know that we will be adopting an AA boy.

    Tess: We didn’t adopt Gracie in order to educate our family on racism. But, in knowing that we wanted to adopt an African American child into a white family we had to seriously consider what that might mean to her development as well as ours. Being white, we know that we are at a disadvantage in trying to raise a black child. However, I prefer to look at the situation optimistically and stay up-beat about the challenges our family will face.

    You state: “Great. Gracie has helped relieve the author of ‘deep-rooted racism’ through being cute.” To clarify my essay, we knew we would face adversity in our *extended* family as some of our family members have made racist remarks in the past. What I thought was wonderful was that they were no longer doing that, treating her the same as the biological family members. I have no idea if this has educated them or not, but I believe it is a step in the right direction. Last, I am sure that Gracie and my son, Porter, will have all sorts of reasons to be angry teenagers and call me a wide variety of names that I can only hope are as tame as “arrogant and self-righteous.” I’ll take that as it comes.

    Kate: Regarding my ethically challenged half-sister, I had only met her in person a couple of months before. I knew she existed, but I had not been able to track her down until a couple of months before we adopted Gracie. As is in any family where members are absent for your life, meeting them can be a very scary and nerve racking experience. We had basically worked around to being acquaintances when Gracie was adopted. However I will still excited at the prospect of having a sister.

    Since this isn’t an adoption site, I want to mention a couple of things that might not be common knowledge. African American children, regardless of gender, are NOT being adopted in large numbers. African American children are the least adopted race in the US. Our decision to adopt an African American had already been made, so we were appalled when we found out. Also, in domestic adoptions, the birth parents pick who adopts their child. Because of this, we didn’t know when we would be selected if at all. Fortunately for us, we were. We were also lucky enough to sit down with Gracie’s birth parents at length and discuss with them their desires for their daughter’s life. Not only that, but we have an open adoption, another reason we adopted domestically, so that her birth family would be as involved as they want in her life. The “journey” of raising children has been and is wonderful!

    Posted 19 May 2008 at 5:23 pm ¶

16. h sofia wrote:

    Tess, I don’t agree with your assessment. I liked this article – it felt very honest. It is not easy for most of us to admit prejudices exists in our family, and this felt like a reflective piece about the reality of discovering and addressing that.

    That’s the universal part of the piece, from my perspective. One could take race out of the equation and imagine that this was an article written by a woman who had adopted a child with a physical disability – anything that would be considered “different” by extended family … anything that would prompt questions of, “Why did you pick THAT child?” and”Couldn’t you have gotten a ‘normal’ baby?”

    Posted 19 May 2008 at 10:09 pm ¶

17. Tess wrote:

    “… we knew we would face adversity in our *extended* family as some of our family members have made racist remarks in the past. What I thought was wonderful was that they were no longer doing that, treating her the same as the biological family members”

    – I would caution you suggesting that the prejudices are only in your extended family. There is no “us vs. them” when it comes to being a white person born in a white supremacist society benefiting for all the reasons that your child will not. One is not saved from the clutches of white racism because s/he has read Dr. Tatum’s “Why are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria,” for instance, and reads or posts on this blog. It’s a continuing process of negotiation and self-reflection, so I would caution your emphasis on the *extended* family (not us, OK, guys, *we* were the ones who boldly adopted the Black baby – it’s THEM) as being a source of racist belief/thought/action.

    Their and your racism are also not limited to “racist remarks,” many of which I, coincidentally enough, found in your essay. In addition, I suppose I would not be so pleased that at least my extended family members didn’t call my baby a nigger.

    “They’ve started making the connection that those comments or actions are inappropriate and are changing.” — Again, at least my family knows that it’s inappropriate to call my baby a nigger.

    For me, it’s not about being pessimistic vs. optimistic. It’s about being real about how white racism works and the standards I would like to see practiced in the world. It’s not enough that at least someone holds the door for an elderly Black woman or votes for Barack Obama even though he’s Black. I do NOT see token, self-congratulatory moments of human decency as being a step in the right direction. When we sit and say how “diverse” the government is because we have Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice in office, we are not putting it in perspective. How many people of color are being overlooked for other positions? How many people of color can’t even get to the point of being recognized for decision-making government positions because of the 30-40 years they had before that living in a white supremacist country? Because I am still pulling for change, it’s not enough, my anger won’t be assuaged, and as a person of color, I don’t have the option of being relaxed and “optimistic” about the tokenization of a child since it’s part of the same racist ideology that puts my life that’s at stake, my children’s lives at stake, and Gracie’s life at stake, too.

    p.s. Racism does not function in the same way as ableism. Thanks.

    Posted 23 May 2008 at 1:02 pm ¶

18. Catherine Bray wrote:

    Tess,

    You make valid points and I appreciate your honesty. I do not feel that I myself am the white person of virtue who has a completely anti-racist outlook on life. I am learning and hoping that I can be a better person. This has nothing to do with adopting a black daughter. I get the impression that you think we are some white uppity people who adopted a black daughter to be “anti-racist.” Well that’s bullshit.

    As attacking as you have been to me and the family that I love you seem to forget that my daughter is MY DAUGHTER and I will protect her and take care of her for her entire life. I may not be the poster white parent of a black child in your eyes but this is my family and I don’t have to live up to your expectations. The only thing I have to do is take care of my family.

    Her birth parents choose me to mother Gracie. So remember that. They thought that out of all the people waiting to adopt, that I could do the best job. That’s all the approval I need.

    While you are so pointedly pointing out how I’m racist let me repeat something you said to me in your first response:

    “While I would never say (and don’t want to believe) that white parents should not adopt Black children, I have yet to see anyone who’s done it right.”

    You sound sooooo angry and against my family and you have your opinions of the situation based on a short article that I’ve written. Aside from that you know NOTHING about me. I’m kinda frustrated as you continue to pigeon hole me. I do honestly appreciate what you are saying and am taking into account your views as I parent Gracie but let me say that in my case, I’d be able to better assess your ideas on this if you’d stop attacking me.

    Posted 23 May 2008 at 8:15 pm ¶

19. Gigi wrote:

    I liked your article and do not think that you could ever “win” in the debate that has ensued. As parents who do not share in the racial and cultural heritage of our adopted children, we, too, face the criticisms regarding gender and race preferences, lifestyles, etc. I have had many strangers ask me why I didn’t adopt a child of my own race. There isn’t an easy answer to that.

    Your journey as a parent will continue to evolve. I recently read Jane Brown’s article, “Confronting Racism in Adoptive Families,” found here: http://www.adoptedthemovie.com/other-topics/janebrown/confronting-racism-in-adoptive-families/ and discovered that we are not fully transracialized yet! My own extended family consists of minorities who are bigots against whites, blacks, and other minorities! I cringed when I read about your half-sister, but I have to admit that I have relationships with family members who share her views and they are not white!

    BTW we will be joining you in SFO in the future, hoping to move there for diversity and political reasons. IMO the south is no place for progressive families like ours.

    Posted 24 May 2008 at 9:03 pm ¶

20. Tess wrote:

    Yes, I was very angry about things written in your piece. The first time I read it I sat with my jaw dropped and called my partner over to see because I couldn’t believe it. I rarely comment on blogs, but I felt like some of the ideas raised had to be challenged, and since this is an anti-racist blog, I feel that my comments are clearly within the bounds of expectation. We are all learning how to be anti-racist, and I’m only adding what I see to be questionable. Being soft and overly forgiving because talking about racism is hard and no one’s perfect benefits none of us in understanding its reality.

    “Aside from that you know NOTHING about me.” – You’re right. And you know what? It’s not about YOU. It’s about challenging the ideas you raise and your perspective on how racism works. I can only critique what you chose to share about your experience and how you chose to write about it. This is a place for discussion and dialogue on racism and parenting that’s exactly what I’m engaging in.

    If you’re not “some white uppity people who adopted a black daughter to be ‘anti-racist’” then you’re not. I don’t understand why you are so concerned with trying to convince me of that.

    “I may not be the poster white parent of a black child in your eyes but this is my family and I don’t have to live up to your expectations. The only thing I have to do is take care of my family.” – You’re right. So keep on keepin’ on.

    If you’re not comfortable with people objecting to your ideas and being angry about their implications, don’t post entries in a blog.

    Posted 24 May 2008 at 11:29 pm ¶

21. deesha wrote:

    http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/research/2008_05_mepa.php

    Posted 28 May 2008 at 11:33 am ¶

22. Kate wrote:

    Catherine-
    You write that Tess sounds “SOOO angry” in her comments. A lot of people feel uncomfortable with anger, but I just wanted to point out that this is a discussion of racism, and the ways that racism hurts our children. Anger is a completely appropriate, valid, understandable and fundamentally human reaction to this topic.

    I would caution you against discounting opinions that sound angry, both here and elsewhere in life. When people are angry, they usually have a reason to be angry. Anger can be scary both to feel and witness, but it is also a very powerful emotion that can be channelled for good. I would argue that anger is almost always the driving force behind positive social change.

    I think the biggest problem with anger is that it provokes defensiveness and shuts down communication. Let’s not fall into that trap here. We are all coming from different places. But we are all people, and we are all people struggling to build a more just world for our children and all children. So let’s talk. And listen.

    Anger is part of the “journey.” It has been part of Tess’s journey. It has been part of my journey. And it will probably be part of your journey too.

    Posted 30 May 2008 at 8:35 am ¶

23. Heather wrote:

    How do you teach a child about their ethnic identity? I’m not talking about buying ethnic dolls, books, art, etc..
    How do you raise a child to understand their ethnic identity?
    I read about the importance of teaching a child this but I have not found any articles about how.

    Posted 30 May 2008 at 7:30 pm ¶

24. Elizabeth wrote:

    I am new to blogging and feel passionate about how my whitecentric interracial family navigates through the world. My daughter received racist comments at school from another child. I thought the school handled it well, but the parents of the child have never said a word to me about it. And I feel angry and unresolved. What do you think? Has this ever been an issue for you? I have posted on my new mostly unseen blog about it: http://www.myonelovelife.com. I’d like to hear your thoughts.
    Thanks.

    Posted 31 May 2008 at 4:48 pm ¶

25. Stella wrote:

    My nuclear family is very mixed race. Non of us looks like the other. My husband and I concentrate more on the important human values the children need, love,compassion. We’re different race and sometimes we seem to have forgotten that. Is it so important? I like the buddhist quote that says “A child before it’s conceived has already chosen the family it will live in” not the other way round as most people believe. I support the author because all she wants is to love a child. Many bad things happen around us, many frustrated people walking on this earth but we can teach our kids (white,black,purple or pink) that this are the realities of the world we live in, so they don’t have to always find a racist pretext out of almost every comment. If we were to analyse every comment, action , attacking us – we would go crazy. All our life energy would be concentrated on racial analysis. We have chosen to direct our energy elsewhere and it’s working for us. The most important thing is for our children to have a high sense of self-worth regardless of race, and other differences. That’s achievable.

    Posted 03 Jun 2008 at 5:03 am ¶

26. Deb wrote:

    Tess,
    You have some valid points, but can I suggest that this mother blogging about her family, IS a also a positive? No matter how early stage and limited her racial understanding might currently be, she is reaching out, moving away from racism. She will learn and evolve, trust me she will. No she will not ever completely understand, but none of us can ever expect to fully know another’s experience.
    This mother ventured forth in her desire to love and include a child, not knowing what that journey would fully be, but no parents do. It is obvious she is willing to do what ever is necessary. She has clearly experienced the lifting of the veil away from some of those benefits of her own white privilege, most she might never even have been aware of. I am sure that process will continue and evolve, along with her love for her child. Granted it is a sometimes slow and complicated process. I doubt that she expects a ‘pat on the back’ as much as a hand of encouragement and help, so why can’t we do that?
    In my personal belief allowing ourselves to love each other is the only way we will care enough to see the wounds of racism, and begin to heal them. We have to start some where. Do we really want to discourage those who have taken a step forward, and one away from their unearned, and often unrecognized White privilege?
    I hope we can stand to educate and encourage instead.

    Posted 03 Jun 2008 at 11:51 pm ¶

27. Catherine Bray wrote:

    I’ll be the first to admit that I have a lot to learn about racism and it’s implications on my ability to raise my child with a healthy racial outlook. I will also admit to Tess that I don’t like people having a different opinion then me and take any comments to heart and read them over and over again so that I can continue to understand what each person is saying. I am dedicated to educating myself on the issues that I never had to deal with growing up. I will say that I am so happy that I submitted this entry to Carmen because I not only enjoy seeing all the comments but I also am starting to look at things in a different perspective. For example, I say “Sex and the City” this weekend and although I enjoyed Hudson’s performance I walked away feeling irritated that I hadn’t ever seen a strong black character in the series and then to see it in the movie it came off to me as forced. Then Parker bought her the bag she coveted because she could only afford to rent the bags through the website, it just annoyed me. I bring this up to point out that this is something I probably wouldn’t have even noticed or thought of two years ago. I’m begining to see how race is portrayed in movies, games, children’s books and toys. I’m alarmed by it and sometimes appalled by it. I will continue to educate myself so that my consciousness of racism continues to rise as I venture out each day. However I do and will always need help.

    Posted 04 Jun 2008 at 11:33 am ¶

28. h sofia wrote:

    Deb – very well said.

    Posted 04 Jun 2008 at 12:56 pm ¶

29. jennifer wrote:

    I know exactly what you mean about the hair! Our adopted daughter is bi-racial (African-
    American and white). My husband and I are white. Our daughter just turned 2. I can’t count the number of times we’ve been stopped by a stranger to be told we were doing her hair wrong. Frankly, we weren’t offended. We did need advice, and we got it from a social worker and some friends. After much trial and error, her hair is gorgeous. It’s been a long time since anyone has told us that her hair looks dry. Now we’re struggling with styling. But we’re learning!

    Posted 18 Jun 2008 at 12:47 am ¶

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