Ask ARP: How do you combat an ex-spouse’s racism?
Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
I have a beautiful four-year-old son (five this September) Ian who is getting strong racist messages from his mother, who I separated from in January 2006. Ian’s mother Tina grew up in the Philippines, where dark skin tends to be looked down upon as a sign of being poor. She is educated Chinese Filipina and she migrated to Australia in 1997. I met her at a Chinese language class in 1999. I am Australian born with a mixed heritage, mainly Irish and English, but also Jewish and either black African or Indigenous Australian heritage (The issues with the latter have never been sorted out. All I have is a photo of my black great-great-grandmother.)
Australia has more than its share of racism and I’ve been actively involved in anti-racist activism since 1995 and raising kids who aren’t racist is very important to me. To my surprise, after separating from Tina, I formed a relationship with a true soul mate and married late last year. My wife Ish is Australian born with Bengali parents and she has brown skin.
Since Justina and I separated in 2006, Ian made various comments along the lines of “I don’t like Muslims”, “I don’t like Chinese.” When I asked him why, he tends to say “My mum says they’re no good.”
About five months ago, Ian and I were coming home from day care and he said ”My mum says Ishy has black skin because she drank dirty water.” He has said similar to Ish on a separate occasion and, of course, it’s extremely hurtful. Last Tuesday evening, Ian was having his bath when he said: “I like sitting next to you at the dinner table because you’re not black like Ishy. Ishy doesn’t have the same colour as you and me.” I said: “That’s no good. We don’t like it when people won’t sit next to
someone because they’re black. We don’t like it when people say bad things about people because of the colour of their skin. That’s called racism.”
My ex has a tendency to bad mouth me a lot to Ian and it seems very clear she is feeding him racist poison to undermine Ian’s relationship with Ish. Ish insists that I tell her about these comments when they occur because she feels she needs to know about them, but they also cause her a lot of hurt
which I hate. I want my son to grow up a confident, happy kid free from racism and I want to protect my wife from this pernicious racism. When the issue comes up, I always try to talk about it and make it clear that racism is to be rejected and difference is a good and beautiful thing. I’ve sought advice from family specialist and I’m making sure to talk about different cultures and read lots of books with Ian representing lots of different peoples.
If you have any other advice, I’d be most grateful to you.
Many thanks,
L. Thomas
Melbourne, Australia
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Liza wrote:
Dear L,
First, thanks for your bravery for putting this question out there. I imagine many, many others have the same situations, unfortunately.
I do understand the Filipino piece. My parents came to the U.S. from the Philippines in 1974, and, while they have lived in urban, diverse cities here, their lessons in race provided a different context. There does exist an elitest experience about skin color (dark vs light), the “colonization” of bloodlines, etc. Growing up, my mother and her side of the family (which is mestizo) often made similar comments that your wife makes about dark skin, social class, etc.
My parents had already been living in the United States for over 20 years when my dad and I had our first conversation about race. When my husband (Puerto Rican/black skin) and I started dating, my dad did say to me, “Why would you want to date someone who is seen as less than you?” ….. *gasp* was my initial reaction, of course. But, as a diversity educator, I knew better than to go into a tirade about race, politics, love, etc. So, we ended up having a great conversation about people of color in the United States and people (all of color…) living in the Philippines. I think that was the first time my dad ever engaged in a conversation about race – ever. We talked for hours about how he learned about “American culture” through television shows from the 1960’s and 1970’s. He heard people making denegrating charged jokes (black jokes, asian jokes, gay jokes, etc) and believed that was acceptable in the United States.
Growing up, my mom always made us wear big hats and lots of sunscreen. No, she didn’t have amazing- cancer-foresight — rather, she didn’t want us to “get dark.” After all, for her, the messages about dark skin were connected to social class. My mom, at age 60+, doesn’t look a day over 42 because she has stayed out of the sun. But, for what reason? For what social statement?
You likely can’t control the words of your ex-wife, but you can influence the exposure for your son. I think the inclination may be to always say, “No, your mom is wrong”, but I would caution against that. I think kids are smart. I also believe that kids love their parents. By telling your son that his mom is wrong devalues her. I would suggest always speaking to him in the positive – meaning, for every example he gives (via his mother) of ways in which dark skinned people are bad/wrong/dirty, provide him twice as many examples of dark skinned people who are positive/smart/friendly/engaging/trustworthy…
Keep us updated, L. This is certainly not an easy position to be in, and you are in good company of parents, teachers, individuals who working to better humanity in our world!
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 11:39 am ¶
BCmomtobe wrote:
L, I don’t envy you. My sister-in-law is Filipino, and she recently expressed embarrassment that her mother, a truly loving person; was going around showing her friends pictures of my niece, and telling everyone proudly that she has a white grandchild. That aside, I’m glad you are going to a family therapist for advice on how to deal with this. The therapist will advise you on how to deal with your ex-wife, but Family Court may also need to be involved. I agree with Lisa’s suggestion to avoid telling Ian his mom is wrong and to keep talking about race in a positive manner. As an adult child of divorce I can tell you, that if Ian’s mom continues to trash-talk about you and Ish, a woman who is nice to him, it will start to affect Ian’s opinion of his mother. My parents used to run each other down verbally, but it wasn’t long before I figured them both out. Ian may be young, but in a few short years, he will start to make up his own mind about you, race and anyone else you’re ex may debase. If you continue as you are, Ian will come to question not only his mother’s racist values, but racist values in general.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 12:20 pm ¶
BCmomtobe wrote:
I feel like I didn’t express myself as clearly as I would have liked in the first two sentences of my last post, and together they come out nasty; not my intention at all. I would like to have written: L I don’t envy your difficulties. It is hard when someone close to us expresses racist attitudes. I can relate somewhat….
I apologize for my keyboard in mouth moment.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 6:28 pm ¶
turtlebella wrote:
My brother is in a somewhat similar situation. His son’s mother (they are not together either) and her family are quite racist – and we are Mexican-American! My nephew is quite young still so hasn’t started expressing, repeating some of the things his mom and grandparents say but I’m sure that time will come. I think it is important to remember that some of what Ian is saying is most likely “just” repeating what his mom has said, he may not be internalizing everything just yet. I agree that it’s best to refrain from saying that his mom is wrong. But I think it’s good to say to Ian when he says these things that it is hurtful and that you don’t say those things in your house. You can explain why, in simple terms that he can understand, I think. He seems young to really understand all the underlying dynamics and just how painful it is to hear such racist comments but he can learn.
As for now, my brother takes a lot of care to expose his son to his Mexican-American heritage and to other people of color. As the subversive tia I do these kinds of things too when I hang out with my nephew- leading by example. Ian – and my nephew – will have different experiences with their two families, but they will figure things out pretty quickly. And Ian may soon be able to see through his mom’s racist comments and her efforts to undermine her son’s relationship with you and with Ish. As long as Ish maintains a strong relationship with Ian this won’t work in the long run, I don’t think.
You may wish to communicate with Ian’s mom how you and Ish do not appreciate her racist comments– particularly those about Ish personally, that you find it inappropriate for her to say them to Ian. I think if done in a calm, rational manner this could help YOU, at least from an emotional standpoint. You have not said nothing, you know what I mean. It may not change anything (probably won’t) but at least you have not remained silent. But I only know about the dynamics between divorced co-parents from a secondhand perspective so you should decide whether this is worth it, or if it will create more problems than it is worth.
Good luck- I hope the family specialist will help too.
Posted 08 Jun 2008 at 12:31 pm ¶
Tami Winfrey Harris wrote:
It sounds to me, L., like you are doing the right thing. If you and your wife continue to expose your son to an anti-racist lifestyle and introduce him to a diversity of people, I think he will develop the values that you hope for.
He is so young right now–at an age when kids often parrot things they don’t understand, especially things that are said by people who love them (like their mothers). As kids grow older and are exposed to different things, I think they often come to see their parents’ limitations. I think your son will come to see that his mother is wrong about this, is you and your current wife keep plugging along and showing him a reality that counters his mother’s bigotry.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 6:25 am ¶
L&N's Mom wrote:
L –
I agree with Tami – it sounds like you are doing the right thing. I am extremely lucky where my ex isn’t racist, however he does have the habit of planting evil seeds in my daughter to bring home to hurt me. I wonder if this behavior is shared by your ex? Not that she’s not racist, clearly she is – but to use a child to spread her hate breaks my heart.
My only advice is to make sure your son interracts with children of all colors in a positive way – so that he learns that color doesn’t make one friend any different fron another. (and hopefully the parents of these children do the same) My daughter has benefitted by her school being multicultural.
Keep being the good example your son will look up to. It is so hard to not tell your son that Mommy is teaching him negative things – I know I’d like to shout it from the rooftop somedays. The problem with taking the high road is you have to climb to get there – heep the climbing shoes on – you’re doing great.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 9:30 am ¶
BCmomtobe wrote:
The problem with taking the high road is you have to climb to get there – heep the climbing shoes on – you’re doing great. I love that one L&N’s Mom, and will remember it.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 11:06 am ¶
L&N's Mom wrote:
thank you – now if I can repeat that to myself all day every day I may survive my divorce as well!
sorry for the type-o – “heep” should be “keep” but I think you got it!
Posted 10 Jun 2008 at 12:10 pm ¶