Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
I need some help. I am a white mother of white children. But having been raised in a community that was predominantly minority and largely economically disadvantaged, I’ve always been concerned about race issues in our country. I’ve been a long-time reader of ARP and I am committed to raising my two girls (and any other children we may have) to be anti-racist. I posted ARP’s widget on my blog as soon as you developed it, and around that same time I began a category about race issues.
Many people are confused (and sometimes angered) by my decision to discuss race. They assume that because I am white, married to a white man (a fact that surprised even me, given my dating history), and have white children, I have no stake in the matter. They seem to think that unless I am raising children of a different race or am married to someone of a different race, my opinion does not and should not count. (In fact, when I added your widget to my blog, I received an e-mail thanking me for posting it even though you weren’t sure why I did.)
I could not feel more strongly that it does.
I recognize, as fully as I can, that my life has been blessed with a level of privilege simply by being white that people of other races will never have. I also recognize that I surely have my own biases and prejudices that color the way I see other races. I fight daily to overcome those and to recognize them for what they are. But I am human, and flawed, and I make mistakes and speak out of turn.
That being said, many, many white people in the United States have strong feelings about eliminating racism, or eliminating as much of it as they can. I believe that an open discussion of the myriad issues that face us is absolutely crucial to our success.
I have tried to open that discussion on my blog, using the same tactics (namely, dry humor) I routinely use to discuss other aspects of my life. Inevitably, I anger some. Even when I am discussing the behavior of my own race. I can understand if some people don’t like or agree with my humor, and I’m not above being called out if I’ve overstepped good taste. I’ve even been known to rethink and argument and change my mind, hopefully for the better.
What I don’t understand is the condemnation of a white woman speaking about race, period. I do have a stake in this world of ours, where race is such a factor. So my question is this:
How do white people enter the discussion? Can it be done without angering people? Or is that too optimistic and unrealistic?
Thanks in advance for any feedback,
From the Editor:
It sounds like you are already part of the discussion. So, welcome and thank you. In order to decrease racism, we need ALL voices.
Now…
If I may be honest, and I assume honesty is what you want, because…y’know…you asked…There are three major missteps I see white members of the anti-racist movement make again and again.
The first mistake is thinking that talking about racism is easy. It’s not. You say that you get angry responses from some people when you discuss race on your blog. So do I. So do my many blog sisters and brothers of color. Oh, your angry e-mails may say slightly different things than ours, but fundamentally the hate mail is born of the fact that Americans are just plain uncomfortable about race discussions. They don’t want you to talk about racism as a white woman. They don’t want me to talk about racism as a black woman. They just don’t want to talk about it. The mainstream prefers to think of racism as a thing of the past. The topic stirs up too much guilt and anger and demands. And admittedly some people of color can’t get past anger at white people to be able to trust them as allies. I hope that you will continue to write about racism, but to answer your question: No, white people cannot enter the race discussion without angering people. But then, No one can enter the race discussion without angering people.
The second misstep is expecting to be greeted with flowers and hosannas, just for entering the conversation, and becoming offended when things get hot. As a citizen of the world, you are supposed to work to combat racism. It is simply the right thing to do. That most people in the mainstream don’t give two figs about anti-racism is a damned abomination. But as Chris Rock says, you don’t get a cookie for doing something you are supposed to do. You’re here; let’s get to work. Oh, and while we’re working, expect to get called on your own prejudice and privilege, and expect the culture of which you are a part to get called out, too. No one is saying that white people in the anti-racist movement need to sign up for abuse, or that you don’t have a right to challenge unfair accusations and assumptions. But your role as a member of a privileged race that has routinely oppressed other races in this country, puts you in a unique position in the cause. Any white person who is serious about the anti-racism movement must realize this.
I recognize, as fully as I can, that my life has been blessed with a level of privilege simply by being white that people of other races will never have. I also recognize that I surely have my own biases and prejudices that color the way I see other races. I fight daily to overcome those and to recognize them for what they are. But I am human, and flawed, and I make mistakes and speak out of turn.
I was glad to read that after reading this:
I am a white mother of white children. But having been raised in a community that was predominantly minority and largely economically disadvantaged, I’ve always been concerned about race issues in our country.
Misstep number three is believing that studying, sleeping with, befriending, adopting, marrying or living next door to people of color allows a white person to become an expert on Asianness or blackness or Native Americanness. I am a black woman and I have been lectured more than once about black people by white people. Apparently in all their studying and PCness, these folks hadn’t gotten the memo that most black people would find this sort of lecturing arrogant and offensive. No matter how long you are a part of the anti-racist movement, don’t think that your involvement trumps the real life experience of people of color.
I’m not saying that you have made these missteps, but it may be worth examining whether you have. It may be worth examining whether there is something in your well-meaning humor that is offensive. It may be worth examining whether the way you are using your voice in the anti-racism movement drowns out those who are victims of racism.
But, it could simply be that you are a victim of racial prejudice–of people who think that a white woman can’t possibly care or think about racism. That sucks. The best thing you can do about this type of racial prejudice is call it what it is and move on. You should not let it stop you from doing something you think is worthwhile. Racial prejudice too often limits the lives of its victims.
My advice: Keep working against racism, make sure you are keeping your privilege in check and ignore the haters.
Tami
here here!!
Tami’s response is on point–couldn’t have said it better myself. We need allies of all types–but recognizing our own privileges (sexuality, class, gender, education, the list goes on and on) is also important. Most people don’t like to talk about race–makes people REALLY uncomfortable. But the time for comfort has ended–we need to get work done and that means that it’s not always going to feel good (and when does hard work ever really feel comfortable good).
I think one important thing white allies in anti-racism can do is use the power of your priviledge for good and not evil. I am reminded of my new favorite quote, which I saw here first, by Desmond Tutu. “If you are neutral in a situation of injustice, you have chosen to side with the oppressor.”
Choose not to be neutral. Call out stuff when you see it. Say that you see it, don’t like it and don’t find it either appropriate or acceptable.
Also when you hear POC say that they are experiencing bias. Really try and hear them. Don’t try to dismiss it as a misunderstanding or misinterpretation. Believe their experience.
My $0.02. and thanks for being part of the solution.
Doing the right thing often brings hardship. There really is no progress without struggle.
American anti-racist history includes thousands of white people who risked their livelihood and their lives to do this work. You probably don’t know who most of them are, because unfortunately one of the many “punishments” for being a white antiracist is being ignored or marginalized by historians.
I agree with Julia that there are many white people who want to help improve race relations; unfortunately the number who are willing to suffer rejection or discomfort is much smaller.
Hang in there, Julia.
I’m learning how much patience is required to do this work, as well as a willingness sacrifice. Sometimes this means sacrificing my desire to have things go my way or to be rewarded or recognized for trying to do the right thing. I think that this work is deeply spiritual and involves a process of transformation, the hardest kind of work. Just my opinion though.
During the slavery days, white abolitionists could be tarred and feathered. Sometimes that led to death.
remember that.
getting a few angry and ignorant emails won’t hurt anyone.
and like Tami said, it was never meant to be easy
Hello there,
The letter was very honest and open and the response from Tami was very well-presented!
Kudos to both ladies for this exchange!
Lisa
Thank you, Tami.
Taking notes and forging onward…
Julia,
Your e-mail, while honest and heart felt, smells like white guilt. And white guilt stinks!
I’m glad you are aware of your white privilege. It helps the movement. But guilt is useless energy. You could be spending your time doing other things to affect the change you seek.
Don’t worry what others think.
“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
This is a great exchange. Any ally work is hard work because allies have to bring, accept, and own the fact that they are in power. They also have to walk the walk (simply “talking the talk” does not make for an ally).
Back a while ago, there certainly was a reinforced belief that if a person were to fight against an injustice, they were doing a GOOD thing. Now, the belief is that, if you are fighting against injustice, then you are doing what you’re SUPPOSED TO DO. It’s the difference between a few simple words, but those words have completely reshaped (finally!!) thinking about activism.
Some props to “Addicted to Race” – even getting the snippets from Carmen’s interview with Tim Wise helps to get a white anti-racist perspective. I believe the sample version includes the part where Carmen and Tim discuss this very issue. (the premium version goes much more into it). I liked the part about when Tim discussed the revision of his book to reflect areas where he misstepped, etc. He got props from me for being able to own and admit that!
Learning about -isms and ally-ship takes time, energy, tears and hurt – mostly because it calls into our own ways in which we allowed injustice to occur.
In my own life, I can honestly say I know 3 (count them, THREE), white people in my life who really, truly, honestly get it. Many of the others are working on it, and I certainly can see their growth. But, I only have THREE I can name who I hold as models for other white people. So, know that it takes time. Know that it takes work. Know that it takes lots and lots and lots of humility and courage.
Glad to have you in this work!
Tami, I was wondering how one keeps white privilege in check? On an intellectual level I have understood my privilege, and more and more have been recognizing it in my daily life, but how does one fight it? I feel that a heightened awareness is the first step, but now what? How do I change my actions and attitudes to keep my white privilege in check?
Thanks!
Duffy,
In my view, heightened awareness is not just a first step, but a HUGE step. Most folks never get there. The more aware you become, the harder it will be to let actions and attitudes related to that privilege pass by. Of course, no one ever gets this stuff completely right. We’re all a work in progress.
Have you ever read or listened to interviews with famous artists or musicians or people who have achieved great things. They often say “it was something in my heart that I had to follow.” That’s how I feel about anti-racism. I don’t feel that I need “permission” or “acceptance” to be anti-racist–It’s just what I believe in. And, being anti-racist doesn’t seem like it can be only owned by one group. If you are against racism, you’re against racism. The way you approach it might be different, and your contributions might be different, but I don’t see it as something I need to ‘gain entry’ into. And, it’s interesting to, in starting to blog and delving into the topic, one of the criticisms I read about for ‘white allies’ is that they seemed to look for approval or ‘ask for approval or permission from people of color to get involved, which also was construed as a misstep.
And, the question, too I wonder, relates to entering the dialogue–with whom? Liza hits the nail on the head when she mentions the need to not only talk the talk, but to walk the walk. There’s people in my every day life to engage in dialogue with, my friend Debbie from High School, my past-boss Kristen, my client Lynn, Ken from the Commission on Human Relations, Kai the French-Cambodian filmmaker…in other words–dialogue and a movement against anti-racism can take place every day, in your own life (think globally, act locally?)
I can’t believe I’m going to reference someone who made me cry when I had to work with him, but years ago I was in charge of exhibits at O’Hare airport. We had a stained glass exhibit that had been installed before I started there, and we were arguing about how to replace some of the windows. “I don’t know what happened before, but I know how I operate, and I can’t answer for what happened before,” I told him. His reponse, “you can’t act like the past never happened. You have to respect the history to move forward.”
Reading other blogs and literature has been phenomenal in helping me to be so much more aware and sensitive to unconscious prejudices, privelege, potential missteps, and a world of things related to anti-racism that I want to understand and learn from. But anti-racism to me is about striving for a new paradigm for how we all interact and respect one another. I am part of the dialogue because I am here and I’m here because I know no other way.
How I turn that into action, to potientially have an impact on perhaps my fellow caucasians (Liza–maybe I can be 4 for you?) or to make the world a better place…that’s where I better listen and learn and understand the history and the present and the future…and where it is hard and the deeper I look the harder it gets…but I keep digging deeper because I think there’s a light at the other end, perhaps with me…or, what is this blog about, anti-racist parenting? I hope anti-racism begins with me, but I work everyday to have it perpetuated with my child.
Is that Freudian that I misspelled “privelege?” It’s privilege. White privilege. Yes, I can say it. (I was hoping no one would notice, but seemed funny if you did!)
Thank you, Julia for trying to be a positive force in the race discussion. I have seen many of white friends get attacked for bringing up the “race issue”. It takes courage and patience to bring up a topic such as this. I really believe that if more people like yourself started being more vocal about the race issue, that we as country would start progressing.
Great question.
Liza (or anyone who feels they know how to respond)
WHAT do I need to read and do to LEARN how to get it? I don’t care if anyone else ever knows that I get it. I want to “get it” – to understand for me – for my daughters. I read and read, blogs, books, websites. I talk with some, but that option is extremely limited. My immediate and extended family (myself – White, my four daughters – Black) is diverse. But that doesn’t mean that I am going to understand. I wish that there were some list of books, some designated outline that I could follow that would ensure that I not only understood what I will call the Black experience in the US, but was able to impart that understanding fully to my kids.
Who wrote that it was something in their heart that they had to follow? That is how it is. It is in your heart or is it just something you pursue intellectually. And if it is in your heart, the frustration comes from not succeeding in understanding as you want to; from not being able to make others see how important this understanding is; and not from frustration at how others perceive or respond to you.
Hi Justamom:
Great questions in there. Your first question is extremely common “What do I need to read and learn to do to ‘get it’?” The frustrating answer is…. “There is no one answer.”
Sounds like you’re doing good things, namely, reading blogs like this one, etc. While I am active on Anti-Racist Parent, I by no means agree with every guest writer, every comment, every perspective. I also read a number of blogs, including Racialicious, and I don’t necessarily agree with all that is said there, either.
But, I read them. I read them because it helps me to grow and helps me to learn. Reading through and digesting people’s observations (whether they be pop culture, parenting, feminism, racism, etc) help me to formulate my own. Some of the stuff sticks, some of the stuff I brush aside. But, I read it all and I force myself to think critically about each view point.
Outside of my own very diverse family, I don’t have a huge circle of people with whom can have diversity-related conversations. And, I certainly don’t have any friends/colleagues with whom I can engage on such a political level about topics we talk about here or other related blogs.
My white friends who are in anti-racist work (as both full time jobs and as passions) come to the table knowing and accepting that it’s part of the process that their motives will be questioned. And, people of color don’t always get let-in either. For example, I’m an Asian American woman who works primarily in diversity conversations with either white groups or Black/Latino groups (simply as a result of the area in which I live). I know that I have to come to each of those tables differently than if I was going to speak to a predominantly Asian group. It’s a part of my identity. And, while I feel well-versed in the experiences of Black/Latino/White, I will never experience life in their racial-identity-shoes. I know that. I own that. I come to the table with that humility.
Your last few sentences ring true for me, too … “frustration… from not being able to make others see how important this understanding is …” I think many of us in this work would agree with you — and you can see that in lots of posts people put up here like, “urgh, not again” or “yup, here’ s another one.”
My final thought: You write that you are White and your daughters are Black. I think that the very fact that you are as passionate as you are about anti-racism work (and, I’m assuming you share your passion for it with your daughters), you are raising them to trust that there are white people in this society who do believe in the equality that they deserve. You are showing them that there are people who are in the fight against racism with them.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions (here or anywhere). Yes, you may find resistance — we all do — and you’ll also find some really good welcome mats.
This is the hardest part to swallow for a white anti-racist activist.:
But your role as a member of a privileged race that has routinely oppressed other races in this country, puts you in a unique position in the cause. Any white person who is serious about the anti-racism movement must realize this.
The sting I feel when I read that is real. It feels exclusionary. It feels as though perhaps nothing I could ever do as an anti-racist activist could be pure and true and right just because my skin is white and my role is to be the member of the white oppressor race.
It sucks, and I hate the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel defensive. It makes me want to exclude myself from my own race. It makes me feel stupid. It makes me feel like the “other” at ARP.
This must be how whites can make others feel with race bias and outright racism.
Ouch.
Liza,
A late, but very sincere “Thank you” for your response to my post. Racialicious is probably the best place I have found to read and learn. I read there quite a bit, but in small doses. I have tried to figure out why. I have not found it difficult to read because I disagree or feel attacked as a white person, etc. I find it difficult to read because I read what one person writes and agree. Then I read someone who raises opposing points and agree with them. Often, after reading, I come away feeling confused and uncertain – which is uncomfortable. I keep hoping that as I read more I will develop more confidence in my own thoughts. But part of me doubts that will ever happen because racism (historical, regional, institutional, educational, individual, systemic) and interaction between “races” is so complex. When it comes to discussions about all of this, I feel, personally, as if I “come to the table” with a disability/a handicap – my white skin and white perspective. I don’t feel this because of white guilt or because someone else made me feel it, but because I believe my life and experiences make it much more difficult for me to understand the discussion. I have to work much harder at it. I am okay with that. I can’t change it. It is just scary to put yourself and your weaknesses out there.
Pingback: How Can Whites Participate in a Discussion on Race? | illvox: anarchist people of color, race, anarchy, revolution
I realize these comments are three months old, but I feel compelled to comment anyway – I appreciate this discussion so much.
I feel that I am just beginning to probe the ways that my experience as a white person blinds me to struggles that others are having every single day right beside me. I am just beginning to explore what my mother’s memories of growing up as a person of color in the same city that I grew up have taught me about how I come to value other people’s talents and perspectives.
I’m still struggling with the white guilt in my everyday life. My city is going through a period of slow demographic change as more people of color end up here, and I find myself trying to be extra friendly to people of color that I now pass in my daily life, all the time thinking of how unfair it is that in the local newspaper every time there is a story about the growing drug problem it always appears on the same page as a person of color in trouble.
And then I realize that I’m not being extra nice to this stranger because I am seeing them with anti-racist eyes, I’m doing it because I see them with racist eyes. I am prevented from engaging people as individuals by allowing images of some other person to represent this person here in front me, instead of allowing them to just be. Another example of the aggrogance that comes free of charge with white privilege – as if anyone cares what I’m thinking! As if me being friendly is some big gift. Arrogance.
It is a huge struggle to unlearn racism, and it is painful to look inside yourself and discover fear, conceit and hate that you reject. It is tempting to just be grateful that you don’t see fear and hate everywhere you look, take that as your lesson, and scurry back home to White Privilege. It is painful to know that you love people who are comfortable in and comforted by racism. BUT I am determined NOT to be cowardly. I am determined to unlearn fear and unlearn hate – based on class, gender, sexuality, color, religious conviction or nationality. A little bit of awareness each day. Action will come as a learn to love others openly and honestly. This will be a lifetime project. I agree with Rita – white privilege may be a type of handicap in the struggle to join in anti-racist movement, but it provides an opportunity to be humbled and awed. At just the slightest bit of discouragement, a person raised on white privilege might feel discouraged or threatened. The struggle of the courageous women and men who have begun this work over and over through history seems so much more awesome, just at having that one little taste of a community telling me NO.
Thank you for sharing your struggles and commitments with me – I am so grateful for this open forum where I can learn from all of you.
Pingback: How Can White People Enter Discussions About Racism? « Chartreuse Flamethrower