When Anti-Racist Parenting Goes Wrong…Or at the Very Least, Neurotic
by ARP columnist Deesha Philyaw
One of my least proud mama-moments occurred a few years ago when my oldest daughter, Taylor, was about to enter kindergarten. That summer, her new school invited all the incoming kindergarteners to meet their new teachers and classmates, play on the playground, and have some popsicles.
We met at the playground adjacent to the classroom, and while the parents mingled, the kids played on the equipment and in the sandbox. Everyone was friendly and chatty, and I was all smiles. But when Darrell and Sherry Jackson (not their real names) walked onto the playground, the sky brightened and a chorus of heavenly hosts sang. I grinned at them, and they grinned back at me. Though strangers, we made a beeline to each other, damn-near running like long-lost lovers.
Our daughters would not be the Onlies!
The benefits of a private school education–yadda, yadda, yadda–the Jacksons shared my concern about my daughter being the only black child in her class. At least now, we gushed, the girls would have each other. When Taylor and their daughter Melissa met up at the sandbox, the Jacksons and I beamed like they’d just won a joint Nobel Peace Prize.
At the end of the gathering, the parents received a class list with phone numbers and addresses to facilitate playdates over the summer. I shared this info with Taylor as we drove home that afternoon. She replied, “Oh, that’s good! I’d like to play with any of those kids…well, except that brown girl.”
I almost crashed the car.
Already, this private school was a mistake. Our entire parenting career had been one big mistake. Taylor was accustomed to being around a veritable United Nations of children–and yet, she’d come to prefer children of all colors over black ones. How had this happened? On my watch? My grandmother had been on a first-name basis with Jim Crow down South. My mother remembers “colored” water fountains. Alas, I had strayed too far from home. My child didn’t have to worry about dogs and hoses, but in the process of “moving on up”, we’d taken a wrong turn somewhere. Into “Anybody but that brown girl”-ville.
At first I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say. Then I remembered the “I Hate That About Racism” spots Radio Disney had been running ever since the fallout from the terrorist attacks on 9/11. The spots defined racism, in part, as disliking people because of their skin color. Precocious Taylor was very interested in these spots, and asked lots of questions about racism. So, I thought we’d start on common ground.
“Taylor, not wanting to play with someone because of her skin color is racism.” Well, it’s really prejudice, but we haven’t learned that word yet.
I can see in my rear-view mirror that Taylor’s eyes are now as large as saucers, and starting to fill with tears. “I don’t want to be a racist, Mommy.”
“I know you don’t, sweetie.”
My heart is racing. I’m at a loss as to what to say next.
“Taylor, I know you see white people everywhere. On TV, in movies, at the stores. Everywhere. That doesn’t mean they are better than people who aren’t white…it just means…” What does it mean? “It just means that…there are more of them.”
Geez. Nice job, Mama.
Taylor looks shell-shocked. Then, a light bulb goes off in my frantic head. Maybe…maybe I should ask the child WHY she didn’t want to have a playdate with the brown girl. Yeah, that’s it!
I ask. Taylor, with fear and trembling, answers: “Because she threw sand on me when we were in the sandbox.”
Lesson learned: I’m an idiot.
Seriously. Lesson learned: Ask questions. Sometimes, a child can’t articulate her motivation for doing or saying something, and “why?” can be a loaded question–but sometimes she can.
(Post-script: Melissa and Taylor are still friends to this day, even though Melissa is now at a different school. But Taylor is not the Only in her class. Nor does she remember this incident. I told her about it the other day, and she laughed at me. A lot. Suffice it to say, she wasn’t scarred for life. Grounded, maybe. But not scarred.)
Recently, I had a chance to redeem myself. My four-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Peyton, asked me to play her favorite (and one of my least favorite) games: Pretend.
“Mommy, you be the little girl at school, and I’ll be the teacher. Okay?”
“Okay.” Did that sound enthusiastic? Oh, well. I tried.
“And I’m white, okay, Mommy?”
No, no, no…NOT okay! my Inner Neurotic Black Mama squeaked. All manner of heart palpitations ensued. But I took a deep breath and remembered the lesson I had learned from the Great Popsicle and Play Debacle of ‘04. Don’t presume and ramble like a crazy person. Ask questions.
“Peyton, why do you want to pretend that you’re white?”
She shrugs. “Because.”
“Do you like being brown?” Somehow, I think this was a zig, when I should have zagged. Sigh.
“Yes. But right now, I want to be a white teacher. Can we play now?”
Deep breath. In preschool last year, her co-teachers were a black woman and a white woman, both wonderful. So it’s not like she’s never had a black teacher before and therefore can’t envision one. And isn’t this the same child who, few hours ago, wanted to be a cat? This might be something deeper; this might not be something deeper. You can keep planting seeds, keep affirming her in all her brown loveliness. You can play detective at another time, with more subtlety. Right now, just breathe. And pretend.
“Okay,” I say. “I’m going to be a Vietnamese girl.”
Peyton nods with excitement. “You’re Asian.”
(I could jump up and dance a jig. Several times in the past few months, whenever we have seen someone Asian, Peyton announces, “She’s Chinese!” or “He speaks Chinese!” Not so loudly that anyone would be irritated, thankfully. But I’ve tried to address this as much as one can with a four-and-a-half-year-old –that not all Asians are Chinese, or speak Chinese, or are from China. I mention our Thai neighbors and some of her older sisters’ friends and classmates, for example. We look at different Asian countries on our globe. (Note: If anyone has any suggestions for me in this area, I welcome them.))
So, I count this as progress, and in our game of Pretend, the fact that we “are” a white teacher and a Vietnamese student has no bearing on our interaction. The “teacher” is as pleased as punch, while her “student” is gritting her teeth with boredom, as per usual. Score one for the “race doesn’t matter” crowd. Score one for a mama who is learning as she goes.
Deesha Philyaw is a freelance writer who has written for Essence Magazine, Wondertime Magazine (a Disney publication), and The Washington Post. Deesha holds a B.A. in economics from Yale University and a Master’s degree in teaching. In her pre-mommy, pre-writing life, she was a management consultant, briefly, and then an elementary school teacher. A native of Jacksonville, Florida, Deesha currently lives in Pittsburgh with her two daughters.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Robert wrote:
You see in your own post that it’s very hard to be the anti-racist parent with tendencies of racism yourself. Teaching the kids continues to teach us. It takes generations to undue the racism. There’s 4 generations alive of my family and you can see the levels of racism, you can also see how the young have made the old more mild in their tendencies. Hopefully my grandchildren will be the extreme of anti-racism and teach their parents where I left off and teach me more as well.
Posted 04 Aug 2008 at 10:21 am ¶
Veronica wrote:
haha! I totally would have done the same thing. Gone thru the whole anti-racist/prejudice talk only to learn that the kid did something mean.
Posted 04 Aug 2008 at 10:32 am ¶
Liza wrote:
Deesha, fantastic as usual. I love this post! My older daughter is definitely at that stage of wanting to “play pretend” as different skin colors, only to not have any behavior associated with it. As for the Asian advice, I find adults having a hard time understanding that “Asian” is an unfairly gigantic category that wants to encompass a single entity. For right now, we’re working on the type of “Asian” that looks like my family — Filipino, Chinese, Vietnamese. For my 5-year old, it’s easier to be able to reference specific people. I’m trying to build our multicultural library, and my next set of books to find (so, send suggestions, people!) is children’s books that have Asian Indian characters, stories, etc.
Love this post — will likely cross post on my site! Thanks, Deesha!
Posted 04 Aug 2008 at 2:17 pm ¶
deesha wrote:
Veronica: I’m glad it’s not just me!
Liza: Thanks for the likely cross-post, and the reminder about Asian as an “unfairly gigantic category”. I recently had a conversation with someone who didn’t want to believe that parts of what we like to call “The Middle East” is in fact in Asia.
Please post those books as you build your library!
Posted 04 Aug 2008 at 3:22 pm ¶
J Diane wrote:
My daughter is 4, and it’s a tough age to explain some things to. They want to know everything possible, but still can’t understand some of the hows-and-whys. I’m glad I’m not the only parent trying to figure out the best way to describe ethnic heritage to a young mind.
Posted 04 Aug 2008 at 10:37 pm ¶
Psychobabbler wrote:
Liza: see if this helps…
http://www.amazon.com/Picture-Books-About-India/lm/R2BX15X6J4ZZB0/ref=cm_lm_byauthor_title_full
Posted 05 Aug 2008 at 9:04 am ¶
Margie (Third Mom) wrote:
Absolutely wonderful post. Teaching anti-racism is flat out complicated. I worry a lot that my Asian children may misunderstand or misinterpret the things my husband and I have tried to teach them about race. Connecting them with their community has allowed us to exhale, but even so – it’s hard to know what path to follow.
You’re a good teacher
Posted 05 Aug 2008 at 9:54 am ¶
Teachers Have Races wrote:
As an Asian, I have observed white teachers favored in the hiring process.
Unfortunately, students quickly learn the supremacy of all things white. Once, a class watched the modern rendition of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella. Some elementary students, even minority kids, described Whitney Houston, a black woman, as “ugly.” Some kids did not view Brandy, a black actress, as a “real Cinderella.”
The story of Cinderella is fictional and not exclusively white. However, elementary students quickly learn that white is “normal.”
When presenting non-white images, schools usually portray Asians and blacks as foreigners. Virtually all children’s stories show white kids as heroes.
Anti-racism is critical to developing the self-esteem of non-white children.
Posted 05 Aug 2008 at 12:54 pm ¶
lxy wrote:
Anti-racist parenting is always an uphill struggle because one is fighting against a broader American society that (implicitly) sends the message White is Right to children–through the media, schools, and culture in general.
Posted 05 Aug 2008 at 2:56 pm ¶
courtney orrange wrote:
Great post. I loved your honesty.
Posted 05 Aug 2008 at 3:27 pm ¶
Liz Dwyer wrote:
Loved your post. I’ve had some similar experiences with my eldest and I’m always freaking out that he’s got some sort of deep seeded self-hatred, but it’s only been stuff like not wanting to play the same video game as the other kid.
Posted 06 Aug 2008 at 4:31 am ¶
Janine deManda wrote:
my thanks, too, Deesha! i have so definitely been in the same boat – and written Ask Anti-Racist Parent and nearly everyone in my email address book for help to boot! thanks for sharing and making me feel less lonesome.
Posted 06 Aug 2008 at 2:05 pm ¶
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Posted 20 Aug 2008 at 3:59 pm ¶
VCSMama wrote:
I can completely relate to both the concern you expressed and the insight your child provided. My son is 6, but up until last year, the only girls he seemed to move toward were white. I have my limitations when it comes to my views on race, but I also am conscious about trying not to pass them onto him. And, knowing who I am, I couldn’t believe that this was *my* child displaying these obvious preferences. Anyway, with kindergarten came about ten girlfriends…and a little more diversity. I’m over it now. I think he has a healthy sense of who he is, who we are, but he also isn’t burdened by many of the challenges that will burden him later as he tries to navigate this race terrain. So, for now, I decided to just breathe, teach and, like you, to let him teach me. Great post! Thanks!
Posted 20 Aug 2008 at 9:17 pm ¶
Jowers wrote:
The day that race does not exist is not so far around the corner, as we all mix and mingle there will be but one race, the human race.
The question is what will determine superior and inferior then?
It will be the knowledge, and life successes of the individual.
OHHH-WEEEEEEEEE can’t wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted 23 Nov 2008 at 7:56 pm ¶
ShadyJ wrote:
Hey D! Great post. I’ve had the same type of encounters with my son. When he was 3 and half 4, everytime he would see an Asian person, he would say, ” He’s China!” He/She is speaking China”. If I could melt like butter left out on a hot sunny day. Embarass would be understatement. He’s also called an Arab person Aladin. Talking to them and exposing them to different literature and people helps. He shocked me when he finally used Asian or Middle Eastern. Keep up the good work Deesha. Discussions like this is much needed.
Posted 02 Jan 2009 at 11:22 pm ¶
Ahumanbeing wrote:
Just a thought…. really there are NOT “more white people” than other races. That is rather skewed – and is exactly why there needs to be a major shift in our media representations of human beings.
And even better than Asian vs. Chinese etc?
A Human Being.
Now… won’t that be the day?
Posted 04 Mar 2009 at 4:10 pm ¶