Crossposted from What Tami Said
It is probably heresy for the editor of a parenting blog to admit ambivalence about parenting, but here’s the deal: I’ve never had a strong desire to be a parent. I like children. I enjoy the wonder with which they view the world. I love their guilelessness and energy. I like to teach them things. I enjoy baby smell as much as the next person. And I love gratuitous cute kid pics. I just never had the want, the yearning to be a mother that I hear other women describe. I never played “mommy” with baby dolls. I don’t grab for the babies of colleagues and friends. I am not interested in pregnancy stories, poopy diaper stories or my-kid-the-soccer-star stories (but I listen to them politely and enthusiastically). If I had not met and married a wonderful man with two wonderful children, I would have been content to remain childless–a cool aunt to my nieces and nephews (And I am the coolest aunt.) I say all this to explain that I am the last person to criticize another woman for not embracing traditional notions of motherhood and womanhood, but “Project Runway” star Laura Bennett’s article on laissez faire parenting on Tina Brown’s new site, The Daily Beast, tripped my triggers, and I’m not sure whether the article is irresponsible and classist with an underlying acceptance of racial inequality, or whether I’m being done in by my own gender-bias.
Thank God for school. I never understand the mothers who get excited just before breaks, as if getting to sleep for thirty extra minutes in the morning is worth having to take care of your own kids all day. Sure, camp helps, but I have six children ages 20 years to 20 months, so there is no camp that can possibly accommodate them all. Besides, sleep-away camps don’t take toddlers. Not for three straight months, anyway.
It was hard work, but as September rolled around, I excitedly got the kids ready for school. I secured the necessary color-coded folders and three-ring binders. I stocked up on reams of loose-leaf paper and dozens of mechanical pencils. I filled out all the necessary forms and artfully forged vaccination records so everything appeared up to date. I dug out backpacks with operating zippers, and rotated summer clothes, providing easy access to back-to-school wardrobes. I lined up nannies and mannies, reading tutors and homework helpers, because God knows New York City private school tuition is not enough to cover the actual cost of education. Now armed with the appropriate pharmaceuticals, I could sit back and watch my plan spring into action.
I have a genetic predisposition to laissez-faire parenting. The fact that I buy my children trampolines, go-carts and motorcycles so they stay out of my way on weekends is not my fault. I have a disease.
One month into school and I have successfully avoided stepping foot on campus. Not an easy feat, but between my husband, the afternoon nanny, and my oldest coming and going on his own, I have been able to rig it so that others have done the drop-offs and pick-ups. The problem is, today the nanny is sick; I have to pick up my first grader and don’t know where his classroom is. Or who his teachers are. I spotted a familiar face, the father of one of my son’s friends.
“Hi Dan.”
“Hi.”
“If I were to want to pick up a child in first grade, what floor would I be on?” I asked sheepishly.
“You don’t know where Pierson’s classroom is, do you?”
Busted.
The end of slavery did not end the era of the Mammy image. By early 20th century, white working class households were beginning to employ black women. Yet this employment still abided by the rules of racial and gender segregation, marked by the stereotypes of who blacks and women were said to be. The racially segregated economy limited most blacks to menial jobs, with many black women being forced into domestic category to work as servants, maids and nurses (child care). Other types of jobs that were open to women were reserved for white women. Read
more…
Today, Bennett can appear on “Project Runway,” work part-time as an architect for Shelton, Mindel & Associates, be a contributing writer for The Daily Beast and be a mother of six; and her husband, Peter Shelton, can be an award-winning architect, founder of Shelton, Mindel & Associates and father/stepfather of six (He should carry equal responsibility for child-rearing.), because some less privileged woman of whatever race can be the “afternoon nanny,” paid far less than either parent to do what our society swears is “the most important job in the world.”
Am I being too hard on Laura Bennett, raised as I have been in a sexist society that puts all the responsibility for parenting on women and demonizes those who don’t fit a rigid maternal framework? Has Bennett written an article that reeks of white privilege? Or, are we both wrong?
I dont think anyone should be racist at all i have a mixed nephew and i love him very deeply no one in this world ask to be here you just got here how you got here just be glad you are here, and anyone that is racist god forgive you.
I have to agree with you–I’m a fan of Project Runway, and came across this column on a PR blog. It was funny, and I liked the sort of “bad mommy” pride, but mostly it bugged me. Being in the position she’s in is absolutely a priviledge that most women–regardless of race–don’t have. The passing reference to a nanny is telling–she doesn’t get into any detail. Is it because the nanny is just a non-issue–a background figure in her life–or is it because she recognizes the position having an afternoon nanny (and presumably a morning one?) puts her in?
I also rolled my eyes at the “back in the good old days” false nostalgia.
I don’t know about racist but definitely an idiot. Who really cares what someone of this caliber has to say about anything?
I think being laissez faire (ie, letting your kids roam a bit, being a more hands off parent than a so called helicopter parent) is really, really different than having other people to do all the logistics of parenting for you. This essay reeks of unacknowledged class privilege.
There is an icky subtext that says it’s okay to have children you have no interest in raising, because you can hire someone else to do the hard work for you.
As a preschool teacher in a long-day care centre – in semirural Australia, admittedly, not NY, but hey
– *boy* do I hear you. Gah. I’ve actually had a parent tell me her (full-time attendee, 7am-6pm/5 days) kid’s behavioural problems were not her responsibility because – and I quote – “I only see him two days a week”.
I know these woman well but emphathize with anyone who has 6 children. As a working mother of two I’m sure the fairytale image of being a mother wore off on pampered mom around kid 4. Having watched these women in action I’m also positive she has no idea how her having help translates into white class priviledge. Damn it she’s entitled! Of course, a lot of this article is tongue-in-cheek and some of it is plain true. My children are a part of this world and the private school world she speaks of drives us middle class parents crazy with their expectations of what our children should have with regards to outside academic and parent support. When the end of the school year arrives you can’t wait to escape because you’re exhaused with trying to keep up with the school’s expections not to mention as they matriculate through the system you actually gauge a good year on what is the least amount of days you had to step through the school’s door. This is a resounding comment made not only by the rich white parents but the not so rich parents of color. I don’t have the money or support system this woman has but I find myself piecing together tutors, homework helpers and babysitters for my kids and for me. We come from totally different worlds I get what she is saying and I feel her pain even if it is written tongue-and-cheek and from a woman of privilege. The difference is I can’t wait to see my children after work and I fantasize about being there for them night and day.
I definately am bothered by what she writes. Although I think it has more to do with classism than racism specifically – althought the two are definately intertwined.
okay, i have a blog where i talk about the realism of being a mom. i make fun of the all organic eating people and helicopter moms. so i do get her humor. but i certainly don’t think i’m a bad mommy. and if i did, i certainly wouldn’t be proud of that. there’s a difference between not buying into the whole “supermom” thing and being so uninvolved that you don’t know your child’s teacher (or care to know is even more disturbing). the metro, fast-pace business world of NYC is definitely something i can not relate to, but i also think it is a representation of not only classism but a whole culture made up of racism, classism, and sexism. think the movie “The Nanny Diaries”. not a great movie but an image of sub-culture much like this story. and it’s sad really. laura is going about her life and completely missing out on knowing her kids. and when they grow up, they’ll want nothing to do with her.
In addition to the classist and racist imagery that this woman seems to embody, I have to say that as a mom I just plain feel bad for her kids. I feel pretty strongly that people who don’t want to be a part of their children’s lives should not have them. That’s not to say that parents don’t need breaks, or outside help, or just plain time away. Parents shouldn’t have to give up their “grown-up” lives to be parents, but getting into parenting indicates that you have responsibility for a person with no agency, and how you choose to bring them up will have life-long consequences. Nobody’s perfect, and people have different abilities to even be around (ex – the single mom working two jobs to stay afloat) but if you don’t want to be around your kids when you can, then why have them in the first place? and l-f parenting is not the same as outsourcing.
so I wasn’t sure if I would really post my thoughts they are a bit off topic…as a woman who is unable to conceive and who created my family through adoption, I find this kind of attitude which I hear frequently from mothers and fathers with 3 or more children, to put it kindly –annoying. I mean really did you not think it would be a lot of work to raise more than one child after you’d had one? It is simply frustrating to want more children to listen to those easily blessed with as many as they want complain or faine (sp?), even in jest a lack of interest.
I think the article smacks of privilege – white, class, or otherwise.
Hi Arjuna or anyone else who may help, sorry that I’ll go just out of the subject a bit. We have a problem that aren’t sure how to react to and to whom we should direct our reaction. We live in Western Europe in a Mega-white community. Generally it’s mono cultured with minimal (incidental) assimilation of foreign cultures. We’re a mixed race family living amidst this. Our elder daughter (5) came yesterday from preschool and said a boy in her group told her ‘she’s brown,ugly and smells bad…’ she then goes crying and her preschool teacher says she’ll talk to the boy. My daughter is the first brown girl she’s met in her life and she probably told the boy the classical – that’s bad manners,don’t repeat that again. I’m wondering how best to tackle this problem. Should we talk to the boys’ parents? If so what should we tell them? How should we talk to the teacher? I was always ‘wise’ in issues concerning race and culture but I’m feeling like my hands are tied not too sure what to do. This is coz I don’t want to do anything that in the long run may turn against our baby. The worst part of it is that she admitted he’s said nasty things eg rotten chocolate, many times before(and she never told us even though it seemed to us we talk about anything and everything) Our priority now is to save and raise her self-esteem and self love. Any ideas?
Sorry, I meant Eastern Europe.
Hi Stella – I don’t know what it’s like in Europe but in Aust. the childcare licensing bods are very strict on diversity teaching; even if (as in my Centre’s case) the area is primarily monocultural, it is mandatory to have, use, display and teach multicultural materials. If your Centre has this mandate – check their Policies and Procedures to be sure – then your child’s teachers will have a written duty (sometimes the obvious moral one is not enough, sadly) to ensure that discrimination on any grounds does not occur. And (hopefully) some established/agreed constructive or long-term ways to approach the problem rather than simply dismissing it as “bad manners” (my experience is that if you tell any child (particularly a preschool boy!) that something is bad manners/offensive, it becomes a reason to do it again, because “it’s funny” to get a reaction from the hurt person).
If the Centre does not have an established framework for this issue, then take an active stance – talk to a teacher at the Centre you trust about ways to educate this child (and the group as a whole) which won’t “single out” your kid. (If your Centre is anything like ours they’ll jump at any active parental involvement – it’s a boon to any individual programming schedule, whatever the issue)
For example, at my Centre we (the PST teachers) would address this behaviour with (whole-group, small-group and individual) exposure to multicultural materials, discussions of “difference/uniqueness(speciality)” on every level (finding examples in-room (staff and pupil) of ethnic background/heritage, people having same-sex parents, varied socioec, even things like vegetarianism etc etc), trying to present this one issue (colour) as one of many ways in which a child may be “different” – but importantly, where “different”=something positive and to be celebrated, in all cases.
We’d try and organise things that involved people or objects or stories “from home”, so it would hopefully involve parents as well (can be useful, particularly if the unwelcome influences the offending child receives are systemic/from home.)
Involving your child’s teacher (especially if she herself is unused to dealing with the base issues, or exacerbating them by omission) is also a diplomatic way of indicating either that the Centre’s game needs lifting, or showing that you trust them to step up. Duty of care toward an attendee *must* (and if your regime is like Aust, does explicitly) include all realms – phys, soc, safety, AND psych/emo.
I hope that makes sense – I know things and people aren’t always as receptive as my experience here (fortunately!) has been… hopefully your Centre will recognise this as a learning/teaching opportunity as well as a social justice issue.
I am not sure what to make of this woman’s musings. It certainly smacks of privilege, and therefore comes off very out of touch with most parent’s realities. I will not go so far as to judge her, perhaps this is her way of deflecting the dizzying pace of NYC life that is not terribly conducive to raising well-balanced children.
I do understand the enormous responsibilities of parenting. It’s really tough work, although it also has monumental rewards. It certainly isn’t given the credence it deserves and this “supermom” mythology only leads to women into nervous break downs.
I have been a working, single-parent and I am not a stay-at-home parent. I have not yet decided which was harder, as each has positive and negative aspects. One thing is for sure, the work doesn’t get any easier.
Once upon a time having such a large brood of children was a sign of poverty and even ignorance. Today it is now a sign of wealth, although perhaps still a sign of ignorance (in some cases.)
I wish that children were viewed as precious beings deserving of the best and most loving home environment a parent or parents can provide, without needing all the bells, whistles and bling of today’s overly frantic culture.
Simplify, downsize and get back to what’s important – the children. Their childhood’s don’t last forever.
I also empathize with modern mothering. We are pulled in many directions – we should have a career, perfectly behaved, high-achieving children, a perfect body, a clean home, a happy and satisfied husband and do it all without breaking a sweat or complaining. It’s ludicrous. I think her story poignantly demonstrates the craziness of our society, it’s expectations of women and family and how we lose ourselves in the whirlwind of trying to be everything to everyone.
AR
Hi, regarding the ugly comments made by the boy in Europe…Multicultural education should be taught at that school. Perhaps you can get your own materials and provide them to the teacher for a lesson.
Arm your daughter with the facts about being a person of color so that she has some response and some armor when stupid people attack…
I tell my children: 1) 3/4 of the world’s population is brown, being white is not the norm everywhere else in the world.
2) it is good to be brown…brown people have superior resistance to the sun’s damaging rays and therefore look younger longer and get far less skin cancer than whites.
3)Jesus was brown, as were most of the people in the Bible.
4) The first humans are from Africa and all humans on earth are from there.
etc etc etc etc.
Thanks a million Arjuna and Dina. ..You won’t believe the extent in which your knowledge,experience and encouragement have helped me on many levels. The boy turned out to be a very sad case of neglect by rich parents who are too busy working abroad and once in a while coming home to catch breath. He’s being brought up by a nanny.Anyway,it’s our daughter we want to save here..The preschool teacher turned out to be very open to suggestions so I gave her some of the valuable proposals Arjuna posted in a way suited to our realities and she’s started out on it. So we’re working together with her teacher and the director to have our out-of-system multicultural edu syllabus coz if we were to wait for the government to make the changes I’ll be 100,toothless and my daughter would have permanent residence at the psychotherapists’. But today I count myself lucky for the support you’ve given.
I think you’re spot on here…I am a student in NYC and have done a lot of part-time nannying and baby-sitting (oftentimes for families that already had full-time nannies and still wanted extra help)…While I too am resistant to judge Bennett as a “bad mom,” her attitude smacks of not just a real disinterest in her children (something I have noticed among some of the wealthier families I have worked for, although certainly not all of them – and I don’t think “laissez faire parenting” should function as a euphemism for an abdication of all parental responsibility) but of a frightening cluelessness about the immense privilege she enjoys as a wealthy white woman. I have encountered this a lot in the city and it drives me crazy. Full-time nannies (often with children of their own) raise the children of the elite, and typically do so for a relatively meager wage, no benefits, no job security…
I have lived in NYC and California, and this issue has been getting under my skin for years. This is a major reason why I DON’T want to have kids. I have thought of what our society can do to help with this sad situation, and this is what I think we should do:
1. For families that have children under five, give them a generous monthly stipend, along with subsidized housing and free health care for the children, IF a parent or close relative stays home and raises the children full-time. These families will also pay fewer taxes.
2. Continue giving these perks to families with kids between five and twelve if the parent either stays home, or works half time.
3. Make it mandatory for companies to hire back the primary parent at the same salary and the same or a similar job title, when he or she returns to work.
4. Start a public relations campaign that encourages the public to respect both full-time mothers AND fathers.
5. In families like the one described above-with two wealthy parents working full time-tax them heavily to pay the stipends for the other families, and don’t provide any of the perks. (this could make it more viable economically to NOT have two full-time workers)
6. Since some families will still use nannies and day care centers, advocate for better wages, benefits and working conditions for these workers. I also don’t think this program should apply to families who have already been employing outside child care for several years, mainly because it could lead to the firing of lots of childcare workers.
7. Finally, make birth control and early-term abortions easily accessible and affordable.
Thoughts?
Number 6 could have been worded a little better. I think the higher wages and better working conditions should apply to ALL childcare workers, including those who have been working for the same family for years. I meant that the system of perks and penalties should only be applied to new parents who are making decisions re their families, and not families that have been hiring nannies for years.