Dear Anti-Racist Parent:
My middle school son recently told me that his good friend was making Jewish jokes (my son is Jewish, the other boy is bi-racial African-American and Latino). It was bothering my son so we brainstormed a conversation he could have asking his friend to stop. I also asked my son if he was making racial jokes and he said no, “only, dissing him about his weight”. So they had the conversation in which they agreed to stop but clearly it hasn’t stopped because when I followed up and asked him how it was going now he claimed it was not my business and when pressed said they went back and forth insulting each other about being Jewish, black, fat, short, etc and it was just the way boys talk, didn’t bother him etc. Of course I told him my feelings about this kind of behavior but what do I do next? My son is begging me to stay out of it, and my husband (white, not raised Jewish) seems to feel like it falls in the “dumb ways boys talk to each other that women don’t understand” category. My gut feeling is to call the other boy’s parents ( we are friends) and have a heart to heart with them and suggest a conversation with parents and boys about the issue. Obviously at this age we can’t control what they say when we aren’t there and I don’t want my son to stop telling me what is going on but I do want him to learn from this and hopefully change… How would other people handle this?
Leah K.
From the Editor:
I am so glad you asked this question, because I wrestle with it, too. Some of my teen stepson J’s racial “joking” with friends makes me uncomfortable. When I was the only black kid in an mostly-white environment, I tried to challenge every spoken stereotype (when I had the guts). It didn’t matter if the speaker was joking or not.
I caution my stepson about this behavior, but then I wonder if I am imposing my hang ups on him. He is, after all, a new generation. I think about how second-wave feminists’ disdain for what they think is my generation’s cavalier treatment of sexism; and how all those folks who marched with MLK think young, black folks like me just don’t understand. As a 30-something black woman, I experience sexism and racism differently than my elders and so my view of these “isms” is different. My generation can joke about and satirize things that would have been taboo in my parents’ generation. I’m sure J. understands racism and anti-racism. We’ve made sure of that. But maybe he sees it differently. I tell you this anti-racist parenting stuff ain’t easy!
But I think your situation may be different. Your son is likely younger than J. and he initially was hurt by the “joking.” Yours is more of a parenting question than a race one. When is it okay for a parent to step into a situation between friends? As the parent of an older child, if asked to stay out of it, I would, while keeping the lines of communication open with my son and checking in on the situation from time to time. In other words, I would give him the support he needed to deal with it.
ARPers with younger kids, chime in here. What would you do?
Tami
my comment has nothing to do with the post, but I found this NY Times article to be interesting and very disturbing:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/15/us/politics/15biracial.html?ref=politics
Tami,
I don’t think it’s a question of hang-ups. Kind and truthful speech is not limited to a single generation.
The best way to eliminate a bad habit is to replace it with a good habit. This is better than just stopping the bad behavior. If we train our children to observe and complement the positive qualities of their friends, that will go a long way to replacing the negative jokes.
I recommend The Family Virtues Guide.
Jeff
I know this is hard but I would suggest you stay out of it while keeping your ears and the lines of communication open. I’m an African American woman with 2 biracial children, one who’s a freshman in college and one in high school. It’s true, this is a generational thing – this generation views race much differently than ours. I think having grown up in a more diverse, open environment than many of us did, they are way more comfortable with racial stuff than we are. For example, I’ve heard biracial kids at my child’s school proudly describe themselves as “blacktino” “chinegro” or “blazin” . No one would have felt safe doing this when I was in high school. To look at it from our perspective, we can joke with our closest friends in a way a new acquaintance couldn’t because we’ve developed a certain level of trust. We understand where our friends are coming from *and* we know where to draw the line. It’s the same for our kids, but the stuff they tease about is more touchy for us than it is for them. I’ve had conversations with my kids over stuff I’ve heard going back and forth that made me really uncomfortable. It seems that they teased about many things and race was just one of them, having no more or less weight than anything else. Now that being said, if you feel one child is truly hurt and only teasing to defend himself, or if one child seems to be on the receiving end more often, then I’d step in. For now, this is a good lesson in understanding how to keep friendships healthy and how to set boundaries. This isn’t easy, but I’d stay out while staying vigilant. Good luck!
We’re not there yet, but will be soon.
My concern would be how much of my child’s newfound comfort with race-based joking was really him/her trying to fit in. That, perhaps, it still hurt but s/he put that aside for the sake of trying to build … or maintain … peer associations.
Yes, I had these situations with my sons when they were growing up. In your shoes I would let my son know that teasing like that is not acceptable. Not from him and not from his friend. Not about weight, race, religion, height, none of that. That is not how friends should treat each other. They might tease back to defend themselves from the hurt, but it doesn’t really work. I would suggest some things he could say in the situation, to change the subject, state his position, etc. but I would be very clear in my expectation that my child should not engage in hurtful teasing. When my boys were young, they told me I just don’t understand, sure. They are biracial and I’m not. They wanted me to butt out, for sure. But I never let up on reinforcing those values, and they got it. I would not call the other parents, he is in middle school and has to learn how to negotiate this kind of thing without you. So my goal would be to teach my son to recognize what he can and should do in the situation. My 2 cents.
Great post and great follow up comments! Cwr, I agree with you. I do see that even my generation now can make jokes about being native (American Indian) that my parents would dare joke or tease their peers about. You’ve gotten me thinking about how this upcoming generation is going to have advantages and disadvantages that we didn’t. With the boom of the cyber age and children who are much more aware of the world around them than many of the previous generations, the times of raising children in a vaccum, per say; is gone. So, that allows our children to be much richer in who they are and their world views that we, and previous generations didn’t have.
For the most part, children who are raised with cultural awareness, (from within the home I mean) will likely handle issues of “race jokes” and situations much better than those who have not been raised in a home where they eat sleep and breathe their culture. No one get offended here, everyone does the best they can with what they have at the time. What I mean is, my nephews who are bi-racial (Lakota and White,) have a much better handle of themselves in a predominantly white school, in a town where there is a lot of tension between Indians and non Indians. They have been taught their history and made aware of the current issues as to why they might be seen, treated or spoken to in a less than kind way. This being said… I have been around when my oldest nephew and his best friend, (who is black) have been making some (to me felt) really racist jokes to each other. When i spoke with my nephew later about it, he told me. “It’s ok, we’re only joking and we know none of it is true.” But as you have said above, the momma bear in us wants to naturally come out and do our job as protectors and teachers.
Our children today are smarter than we were in many ways, many of them are more culturally aware then we were (in fact it’s jsut been within this last generation that many of us have been able to stand up and say I am ____ (insert race here.) and be PROUD of it. If you are doing your job as a parent, (and it sounds like you are) then things will work out, when he needs you, he will know he can come to you if he has a question or feels uncomfortable to run it by you and get your input. Step back, take a deep breath and remind yourself you are doing a good job and that your child will reflect that when he is out in the world.
Ahh–if only we could completely separate ‘our’ issues from our children’s issues.
We became legal guardians to our nephew, “A,” from Brazil when he was 13, after his father passed. We were advised that it was best, given immigration laws, to send him to private school, and though I am Jewish, he is Catholic, so we sent him to Catholic School. After one soccer game, he told me that one of the teammates was telling anti-semitic jokes on the bus on the way back to school.
This must have touched my unconscious biases because I interpreted it as institutional complicity, and called the coach the next day to understand the school’s policy on this type of behavior. Of course it wasn’t condoned, and without referring to specific people, he talked to the entire team.
On the one hand, I’m sure “A” thought twice before telling me things in the future. On the other (he’s never told me this directly, I got it second-hand from my husband) a couple of months ago he started dating a young women who turned out to be a racist, espousing dislike of a number of groups, including Jews. He broke up with her, telling her he couldn’t date her because he was Jewish, too!
One of the considerations that spurs me to speak up about -isms in public, is what message does my silence convey to others. In other words, if I let a stereotype go, I am at the worst condoning it, and at the least not refuting its veracity to those around who don’t know any better.
Whereas Leah’s son and his friend may be aware of what they are saying and also what they are not saying to each other, they might want to think about what others around them are hearing and taking as gospel and an appropriate way to act.
Thanks for all the thoughtful input. I have talked to my son again and told him I am not going to get further involved but I am available for him to talk to anytime. I tried to let him know that I trust him to know when he needs help and to think about what represents his best/ true self. As I reflect on this situation I realize it is partly about change in attitudes toward race/religion, partly about differences in male and female ways of relating and perhaps mostly about my changing role as a mother of a soon-to-be teen. I can no longer rush in and “fix” things I see as wrong but instead need to allow my son to grow into his own way of being in the world and have faith that his mistakes will all be part of his learning, while gently letting him know what my values are. I do deeply appreciate everyone’s input and the chance to explore thoughtfully.