Ask ARP: How do I handle troubled and racist relatives?
Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
I have a nephew who is a white supremacist. He and my other nephew are both “troubled” (to put it lightly), and tend to cause major issues at family events. Tonight during a light political discussion – - – joking all around- – - my nephew suddenly got a cold evil look in his eyes and (to make a long story short), got in my one-year-old son’s face, told him to shut up when he was blabbering and then threatened my husband. Not that it matters, but we are all white. My father’s reaction was to tell my husband to get over it and “act like the adult.” My nephew is a grown man as well. Huge issues (not always about race) have come up at family functions before- even physical fights- where my nephews are involved. As the heads of our family, I feel like my parents should put their foot down and tell my nephews that they are not welcome at family functions if they cannot act in an appropriate way. Is it unfair of me to expect my parents to tell their grandsons to leave (or not attend) family events? I do not feel safe when my nephews are around, and I don’t want my kids in that kind of environment. Is it wrong for me to tell my family that we will not be attending family functions if my nephews are there?
Disappointed in California
From the Editor:
You are not wrong to demand that your parents create a good, safe environment for ALL of their grandchildren, and their other family members, too. But it seems from your letter that they have declined to do that, believing that coddling your nephews will someday cause them to see the error of their ways. You and your husband will have to take a stand and decline to attend family functions that include your nephews. I am no psychologist, but I fear that someone who would “get in a baby’s face” is unstable and potentially dangerous. And what of your nephew’s white supremacist views? It does not matter that your child is white; white children are damaged by racism, too. Your son is too young to understand his cousin’s racial hatred now, but there will surely come a day when it is clear. And if your son has watched his parents and grandparents ignore and abet this hatred, it will surely send a message that bigotry is, at best, no big deal, and at worse, an acceptable world view.
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Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Holiday Coping Tips for the Unconventional Family « Unconventional Origins on 12 Dec 2008 at 9:15 am
[...] Derogatory or hateful comments. These include racist and sexist slurs. Families are made up of all different types of people, and sometimes this includes some very ugly people. If this happens to you, let your reaction be dictated by the situation. If someone says something to you in private you can probably handle the situation by firmly telling them those comments are out of line, you do not agree, and to keep their opinions to themselves. If, on the other hand, comments are made at the dinner table, things can get a little trickier. I still say address the situation immediately (your silence runs the risk of teaching your children it’s okay to say derogatory things), but be prepared for the nasty scene that could unfold. This means being prepared to leave, if need be. For more reading on this difficult topic check out this post on how to handle troubled and racist relatives. [...]
Holiday Coping Tips for the Unconventional Family | Unconventional Origins on 09 Feb 2009 at 10:51 am
[...] Derogatory or hateful comments. These include racist and sexist slurs. Families are made up of all different types of people, and sometimes this includes some very ugly people. If this happens to you, let your reaction be dictated by the situation. If someone says something to you in private you can probably handle the situation by firmly telling them those comments are out of line, you do not agree, and to keep their opinions to themselves. If, on the other hand, comments are made at the dinner table, things can get a little trickier. I still say address the situation immediately (your silence runs the risk of teaching your children it’s okay to say derogatory things), but be prepared for the nasty scene that could unfold. This means being prepared to leave, if need be. For more reading on this difficult topic check out this post on how to handle troubled and racist relatives. [...]