Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
I have a nephew who is a white supremacist. He and my other nephew are both “troubled” (to put it lightly), and tend to cause major issues at family events. Tonight during a light political discussion – - – joking all around- – - my nephew suddenly got a cold evil look in his eyes and (to make a long story short), got in my one-year-old son’s face, told him to shut up when he was blabbering and then threatened my husband. Not that it matters, but we are all white. My father’s reaction was to tell my husband to get over it and “act like the adult.” My nephew is a grown man as well. Huge issues (not always about race) have come up at family functions before- even physical fights- where my nephews are involved. As the heads of our family, I feel like my parents should put their foot down and tell my nephews that they are not welcome at family functions if they cannot act in an appropriate way. Is it unfair of me to expect my parents to tell their grandsons to leave (or not attend) family events? I do not feel safe when my nephews are around, and I don’t want my kids in that kind of environment. Is it wrong for me to tell my family that we will not be attending family functions if my nephews are there?
Disappointed in California
From the Editor:
You are not wrong to demand that your parents create a good, safe environment for ALL of their grandchildren, and their other family members, too. But it seems from your letter that they have declined to do that, believing that coddling your nephews will someday cause them to see the error of their ways. You and your husband will have to take a stand and decline to attend family functions that include your nephews. I am no psychologist, but I fear that someone who would “get in a baby’s face” is unstable and potentially dangerous. And what of your nephew’s white supremacist views? It does not matter that your child is white; white children are damaged by racism, too. Your son is too young to understand his cousin’s racial hatred now, but there will surely come a day when it is clear. And if your son has watched his parents and grandparents ignore and abet this hatred, it will surely send a message that bigotry is, at best, no big deal, and at worse, an acceptable world view.
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I don’t even know what to say about this that does not sound rude. So I guess I will just ask a question: Why would any mother expose her child (no matter that he is family and you do not wish to offend) to a racist?
I agree that you need to take a stand. Having ongoing tension between adult family members (e.g. your husband and the nephews) makes things uncomfortable, but when somebody starts yelling at a baby for babbling, that’s way out of line. If your parents invite troublemakers, it’s up to you to take your kid out of there.
I feel for you. Family conflicts are some of the hardest there are, especially when the best way of dealing with it is not being able to see the people you love!
As his mother, I think you need to put the safety and well being of your child first, and not wait for someone else to step in. To me, that would mean not attending family events where your nephews are, period.
You are most definitely not wrong to refuse to take your children (or yourself) into any situation that you feel is dangerous.
I find it astonishing that your father was not upset that your nephew — a grown man– got in the face of his 1-year old grandchild and was threatening. I don’t want to offend you, but to me that indicates that your father isn’t the most stable either– at the very least he has no understanding of appropriate boundaries (I’m not a psychologist–but still that is really over the top!).
Do any other members of your family feel similarly? Perhaps if someone else started hosting the parties–limiting the list of who is invited, your father and your nephew would get the message.
When I was a child we had similar problems with relatives acting extremely– drinking too much and starting fights. They soon became unwelcomed and uninvited to family gatherings.
The kids come first– if the environment is not safe and others will not take the steps needed to make them safe– I’d steer clear of the environment.
Maybe the writer’s parents are afraid of her nephews, and don’t want to speak up in fear that they might hurt them or damage their property. The nephew who got in her son’s face sounds pretty scary.
Unfortunately, short of gathering together like-minded relatives to stand up with her and her husband against her nephews (which, judging from what she described above, isn’t likely going to happen either), she may have no choice but not to attend functions that her nephews are also attending.
My family went through something similar, except my nephews were doing drugs at family functions (and, I assume, anywhere else they went). It was hard, but I had to stop bringing my young children to functions when the nephews were around. Yes, it did create more distance between me and my parents, and my kids and my parents. After some time, my parents started making time to be with just my kids. However, my sister still has not forgiven me.
Wanderinglady, you always have a choice in life. It might not be the easy choice or the most comfortable choice but you do have a choice. Remember, as a mother, you first and foremost duty is to your child and their well being. Going along with this situation so as to not rock the boat or because you are scared, is no excuse. Children are helpless, we are their voices and their protectors. If that fails, we and they pay later.
I’ve had a similar family problem. Our kids were not in danger, but my cousin would just go crazy at people and act insane. I couldn’t believe that her parents and aunts wouldn’t put their foot down about her behavior.
My kids got old enough to totally notice what was going on (before the theatrics occured after bedtime.) I’ve just had to write that part of the family off and we are so much happier for doing so. It was SOOOO uncomfortable though.
Yoli, sure she has a choice. In that case, what do you suggest she do in this situation?
I am sorry, I thought I already said it twice. She needs to protect her child.
I read you the first and second time. I’m just wondering if you’re saying that in order to protect her child:
1) She, her husband and child should stop attending these family functions, or
2) That should she do something else to protect her child.
If 1) is the case, I agree with you. If 2) is the case, then what do you suggest she do? “She needs to protect her child” is pretty vague, IMHO.
Protecting your child is not vague. It is pretty straight foward. She will find the way if she wants to do it.
Anyone who would “get in a baby’s face” is very troubled, without even getting into the racism problems.
Tell your parents that you will not be attending family events where those particular family members are present. Invite your parents to your home when you want to see them. You can decide whether or not it is worthwhile to say something to your nephew (white supremacists are not known for their stability).
You cannot choose your family – but if members of your family have views you cannot tolerate (and which are not open for discussion) or make you feel unsafe, you can sever a relationship with them just as you would anyone else. Sure, this can be hard and uncomfortable but it is worth it in the long run.
I am going to agree with the others and say that you cannot wait for someone else to take a stand and you must set the example that such hideous and aggressive behavior is intolerable.
My family background is not one of peaches and cream. I have had to set strict boundaries with certain family members and cut off other ones all together for the safety of my child, not his physical safety so much but his mental and spiritual safety. It was not an easy task, but a NECESSARY task.
Your child should not be exposed to such violent behavior and negative stimuli. As your child grows use your nephew’s behavior (or rather tales of his behavior) as opportunities for discussion and learning – ie. this is how NOT to behave, etc.
Start having your own family gatherings and make it clear who is welcome and who is not. Stand up for yourself, your family and your beliefs. Be as kind as you can, while being firm and do not bend to their wishes. This is non-negotiable. White supremacists with violent behavior are not welcome, family or not. It might not win you any gold stars amongst those willing to entertain fools, but it will do a world of good for your self-esteem and gain favor amongst those too afraid to speak out against this unconscionable behavior.
AR
Tonight during a light political discussion – - – joking all around- – - my nephew suddenly got a cold evil look in his eyes and (to make a long story short), got in my one-year-old son’s face, told him to shut up when he was blabbering and then threatened my husband.
This sounds like the behavior of a White Supremacist sociopath.
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