Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
Thank you so much for your blog. It is helping me hold it together at this time when tempers are high and hidden racism in my community is raising it’s ugly head. We live in a suburban community in Ohio. We chose this particular town for its good schools and strong racial mix (at least a good Asian representation). At a Halloween party last week, a mother touted how if Barack Obama wins, all the blacks will rise up and take over and we will become a Muslim country. Then last night, my daughter came home from gymnastics very upset. Apparently a 10-year-old on her team told her that if Barack Obama wins “a lot of babies will die.”
“Mommy, why will all the mommies kill their babies?”
This is particularly sensitive as my 6-year-old, along with her three older sisters, were all adopted from China.
We have tried to instill in our children that both Obama and McCain are good people and they only want good for our country. The differences lie in how to do it. We support Obama because of his ideas and the policies he wants to put into place – not because we hate McCain. We also feel that trying to break racial barriers is a good thing in this country – not just for those of color but for ALL Americans regardless of race, color or cultural background. I was brought up right-Christian but having lived in other countries and traveled to many places, I have developed a deep respect and
tolerance for those that are different from me physically and culturally.
How do we protect our children from all this hate?
Karen W.
From the Editor:
Of course the election is over, but I thought it was important that we discuss Karen’s question. The virulent hatred, bigotry and xenophobia stoked during the “silly season” won’t go away simply because America has elected Barack Obama its leader. And, our new president aside, there will always be those who aren’t shy about voicing their considerable prejudices.
So, what’s a parent to do?
As much as possible, offer your child a diverse environment and experiences. An anti-racist parent should seek relationships, toys, books and media that encourage understanding and celebration of other races and ethnicities. I acknowlege that some of us live in areas with little racial diversity–that may make this step more difficult, but not impossible. Familiarity makes fear and hatred a lot harder, and it helps to immunize against infection by other people’s biases.
Use brushes with racism as teaching moments. Acknowlege the wrongness: “You know some people are afraid of folks who aren’t just like them, and it makes them say silly things. It is too bad that Mrs. Johnson doesn’t know any better.” And let your child know what is right. If you have exposed your little ones to diversity then you can use examples. “You know your friend Marisol’s family is from Mexico.” Or…”Remember when we read about how Muslim children celebrate Ramadan?”
The hardest part of using encounters with racism as teaching moments is that it requires parents to speak up–and not just after the fact. The woman who expressed that an Obama presidency would usher in a race war should have been publicly confronted, especially if she made those comments in front of children. As a parent, you send messages not only with what you say, but also by what you don’t.
Karen, you asked how you can protect your children from hate. And I suppose I haven’t answered that question. The reality is you can’t. Not really. You can, and should, keep children away from obvious hate mongers. But racism and race bias exist in the most surprising places. Now that the election has passed, most of it will return to being covert, but it will still be there–lurking. Particularly since your daughters are “of color,” bias will surely find them. I think the key is to prepare your daughters to stand up against the ugliness.
Readers–what do you say?
I’m curious what you mean by “confronted”. It’s been my experience that saying some equivalent of “you’re wrong” can shut down the conversation – which is sometimes all I want to do – but can also escalate into an argument, and not the kind of argument that changes anyone’s mind. What are you suggesting in the part scenario?
I mean “party scenario”.
I love what you said and I live by it:
“As a parent, you send messages not only with what you say, but also by what you don’t.”
You cannot protect children but you can arm them. It is important that children see you stand up for what you believe in instead of remaining silent. I think people are afraid to confront because they figure that the other person will not change their mind and it will all lead to an ugly arguement. It is all in the handling of it, sometimes it will get uncomfortable but children need to see and hear you stand up to what you believe in. Otherwise, how can they take what you tell them seriously? This kind of intolerance is insidious, don’t let it permeate your family.
Jay,
Here is a great website that talks parents (well, everyone really) through how to speak up against racism. It’s important to send the message to our children that we don’t condone that kind of behavior in our presence. By saying nothing, children get the subtle (and usually incorrect) message that we agree with what the person is saying!
http://www.tolerance.org/speakup/sixsteps.html
Carrie,
Thanks for the tips from Tolerance.org. The article explains what I was trying to get across. There is a way to confront and get a point across without being confrontational.
One of the hardest challenges is protecting kids from the bigoted attitudes they sometimes encounter in people they love. I remember my own parents telling my grandfather ‘don’t say that type of thing around our daughter,’ but it is hard to teach kids to love Grandpa but know that some things he believes are despicable. You don’t want to brush it off with some ‘oh, don’t mind him’ line which could give the idea that racism or homophobia isn’t a big deal. I have a friend who says that parents should disown relatives who express bigoted attitudes, but sometimes relatives surprise you with the occasional outburst of ignorance – especially in a campaign season when Prop 8 is making daily headlines and one party is accusing the other of being a Muslim (implying that all Muslims are bad). How have others dealt with these situations among family members?
@habladora – I know where you are coming from on the Grandpa stuff. In fact, I have tried exactly that – not with Grandpa, but with very close friends and family. We need for our children to be able to look up to the adults in their lives, and if they express unchecked bigotry, this is not possible. Children are extremely perceptive but also generally trusting.
If we shrug off bigotry or racist comments because we know we cannot change the person who expresses them, then we are sending a message to our children as well. When discussing this with one close friend, I was told directly that I would need to ignore the racism or cease to be friends.
I think we need to do this in reverse. Either cease the racism, or cease to be friends. Maybe that’s going to far for some, but the middle ground stuff has not worked out for me.
My youngest daughter had a similar experience…a classmate told her that Obama would kill all the white people. She was worried and talked with her sisters about it. The conversation that ensued between my daughters was interesting, and my budding in was clearly unwelcome (and unnecessary, but I tried anyway). The more we talk about race and racism with our kids, the more we empower them to talk about it, both among themselves and with their classmates, peers, etc. As Tami said, they are teachable moments—and there will be lots of them.
I posted about it at: http://signsoffaithbook.com/2008/10/25/kids-say-the-darndest-things/
I learned a lot that day.
“At a Halloween party last week, a mother touted how if Barack Obama wins, all the blacks will rise up and take over and we will become a Muslim country. Then last night, my daughter came home from gymnastics very upset. Apparently a 10-year-old on her team told her that if Barack Obama wins ‘a lot of babies will die.’”
This is classic White/American nationalist paranoia. The kids must have learned it from their parents. Apparently, one of the side effects of the Obama election is that gun sales have spiked significantly–due to gun control fears but also probably an underlying White Fright.
I agree this type of comment should be challenged in public, particularly in a (presumed) group of white people. How would a white suburban woman have any inkling of what Black America will do in response to the election? This obviously, ill informed, racist individual (and others like her) is reacting out of irrational fear. I might have asked her, “How do you know what Blacks will do? Where is your information coming from? I would challenge you to think about the message you are sending to your kids about people who are different than they are. What is it that you are afraid of?”
The hope brought about by this election doesn’t mask the embedded racism in our culture. As parents who want to raise healthy, anti racist children ( and who want to protect our children from the pain of racism, homophobism, etc.) we have a responsibility to be vocal and active in confronting and dismantling the racism in our communities.
The two comments mentioned address different issues. Yes, the one about “the blacks will rise up and take over and we will become a Muslim country” is a racists comment and should be addressed as such. You have gotten good advice on how to handle that.
However, the second about “a lot of babies will die” is in response to Obama being the most pro-abortion president in history. His policies will have a direct impact on children yet born, including minority children (which are targeted by Planned Parenthood, BTW). Just because someone is concerned about such policies does not mean they are implicitly racisit.
I got very weary of being covertly labeled a racisit by media, friends and African Americans beacause I did not support Obama politically.
Just as we have an obligation to teach our children about racism we also have an obligation to teach them not to label everything as racisim. One can absolutely dissagree on moral and political issues that have nothing to do with a candidates skin color and everything to do with their character.