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1. Link Love :: Finals Time « Unconventional Origins on 22 Nov 2008 at 9:33 am

   [...] Over at Anti Racist Parent, Editor Tami Winfrey Harris contemplates how we create more anti-racist parents in the age of Obama. [...]

2. Link round-up: race and parenting « Raising My Boychick on 25 Jan 2010 at 3:29 am

   [...] Anti-racist parenting: It’s for everyone Now, I have several anti-racist parenting allies who are the white parents of white children, but far more of my white friends and acquaintances see racism mainly as a function of the past. …  They “don’t see color” and neither, they insist, will their children. [...]

Comments

1. Agibean wrote:

   You’ve nailed exactly what the problem is with some white parents (or non-parents, for that matter). I lost an entire group of online friends who insisted that we are all on an equal playing field now, even as I tried to prove otherwise.

   The best thing I think we can do is to keep speaking up, keep making sure that our profile as parents with kids of color is visible, and to teach our children to do the same. Engage white people in discussions about racial bias and educate them about the falicy of the “equal field” idea.

   There was a great article in a local magazine by a black woman who said that saying you’re color blind can be as bad as denigrating color-”seeing NO color means you don’t see me at all” is the way she phrased it.
   Let’s SEE those colors and celebrate them! It’s only when color is used as a negative that it’s a bad thing.

   Posted 12 Nov 2008 at 1:13 pm ¶

2. justice wrote:

   yes! i absolutely agree and just wrote a post about this on my blog as well. as a transracial adoptive parent, we are told to surround ourselves with multi-cultural books, art, people, etc. but i always think, what’s the point of us doing it if everyone else in my son’s class isn’t? great that my son is very worldly in his knowledge of other cultures, but if he’s the only one in our community, it doesn’t really help the problem does it?

   Posted 12 Nov 2008 at 1:14 pm ¶

3. Tonggu Momma wrote:

   I think for me, as the Caucasian adoptive mother of a Chinese-American daughter, the most helpful thing would be to provide us with the tools we need to address racism with our children.

   I WANT to do a good job in this area and I TRY, but I don’t always have the words. I don’t have the experience to address this topic confidently. We read multicultural books (both ourselves and with her) and we provide multicultural dolls and other toys. We also attend a church where we are in the minority (two of six Caucasians) and she is in the majority. We’ve developed friendships with a more diverse group of people.

   But what should our conversations look like? And what other actions can we take? I am at a loss.

   Posted 12 Nov 2008 at 1:18 pm ¶

4. Erica B. wrote:

   I agree that every parent, whatever their race, needs to be interested in anti-racism issues. As to how to create them — I wish I had a better answer.

   I’m white. I’ve been through the “color blind” phase. It took a long, long time to understand why this wasn’t right, and wasn’t enough. I had to actively confront a lot of things in my life — a very uncomfortable, revealing process. I want very badly (who doesn’t!) to think of myself as a good person, not a racist. (I actively remind myself that it’s an ongoing process, and I’m not perfect just because I’ve strived to take some steps forward.) It’s hard.

   I doubt I’m telling anyone here what they don’t already know

   Engaging people in discussion is the only way forward. I am not sure how to strike a balance between approaching them as non-judgmental — to avoid bringing up the offended “omg u called me racist” barrier — while still making it clear that racist behavior isn’t ok. I’m still figuring this stuff out myself and would love to hear thoughts and advice from other ARP readers.

   Posted 12 Nov 2008 at 1:46 pm ¶

5. karen wrote:

   Great question! I’ve often thought that of white people, like the ones you describe, as anti-racism “dropouts.” Some invent excuses for dropping out (colour-blind, level playing field) but I think most feel helpless or hopeless.

   Here’s my dropout analogy. A student at school is consistently doing poorly, i.e., repeatedly told by tests or people that s/he is wrong or his/her contributions are invalid/unimportant/unwanted. The student’s race may even contribute to the low expectations. In other words, school is not an inclusive or safe environment. As success becomes ever more elusive, the student comes to believe that school is not for him/her, whether or not s/he thinks success at school is important.

   I think that same thing happens to white people in discussions of racism and antiracism. They are repeatedly told they are wrong. They are expected to be wrong. They are told to listen but not be heard, not to judge but to be judged. Discussions of race are often not inclusive or safe. White people start to think that antiracism is not for them and they drop out, whether they think antiracism is important.

   Yes, yes, the analogy breaks down. They all do. But schools need to be more inclusive to help students succeed and the antiracism movement has needs to be more inclusive to help more white people succeed, not just some token academics.

   Posted 12 Nov 2008 at 4:01 pm ¶

6. Janine deManda wrote:

   Karen said, “the antiracism movement needs to be more inclusive to help more white people succeed”

   Please bear with me. The Babble article sort of weirded me out, and while Ms. Winfrey Harris’ post rings true to me, I am disheartened by the overwhelming lack of engagement of these issues by most white and white-identified parents I know or encounter. I make an effort to share most of the resources I have come across or unearthed or had shared with me. I make an effort to tread in a respectful, benefit of the doubt kinda way with other parents. I try to keep in mind my own wending and still evolving understandings of race, racism, and raced identity as a white-skinned mixed blood. I work to educate and equip myself to be the best parent I can be through reading, conversing, contemplating, activating, engaging. I’m doing my level best, and I still find myself at a loss on an almost daily basis when trying to help my brown-skinned mixed blood daughter navigate a world informed by a white supremacist overculture that insinuates itself into her preschool classroom where other brown children tell her that she’s ugly because she doesn’t look like a blond d*sney princess. All that and more, and now I have to make “the” antiracist movement more welcoming to white and white-identified people, too? Okay, say I’m ready, willing, and able to take that on – how exactly should I proceed? Seriously, any concrete suggestions? ‘Cuz I am just at a loss.

   Posted 12 Nov 2008 at 6:46 pm ¶

7. Erin wrote:

   As a white college student (not parent, but I happened upon this blog and am sort of addicted), I struggle with how much I can be involved with anti-racism and diversity initiatives. I desperately want to be involved with cultural groups, activism groups, etc. but I don’t want to claim other people’s experience or cultures. I am, among other things, an African Studies major, and even taking classes taken by a predominantly black student group, I’m not sure how much my presence adds to the major and classes, vs. detracting from it and from other students’ experiences.

   I’m afraid that by going to events sponsored by Association of Black Students or Latin Students Association (etc), that’s exactly what I’d be doing – or I’d be placing myself in a situation where I am not wanted because it is a space where people don’t have to deal with members of the majority trying to inject themselves and their experiences into places they shouldn’t be. I am just not very clear on boundaries, and how to be involved with anti-racism and social justice issues without succumbing to the “liberal white guilt” that I’ve been accused of in other venues.

   Posted 12 Nov 2008 at 7:12 pm ¶

8. J wrote:

   Equal playing field?

   Look at children’s and young adult books. How is it equal that most of the books portray white characters. Even the animals have white tendencies.

   Look at movies and TV shows. Are there ANY american major films with a protagonist who isn’t white or Will Smith? or an all black, all asian, all latino, all indian american cast? (mind you, I love Will Smith…)

   Being blind to color is being blind period.

   Posted 12 Nov 2008 at 7:17 pm ¶

9. Claudia wrote:

   Now that I have a daughter (2 years old), this question has become more important to me than ever. And I have to believe that we create more anti-racist parents one person at a time. It is our friends and the people we interact with everyday that shape our worldviews, after all.

   By reaching out a playdates and in the parking lot as we all drop off our kids in the morning, at birthday parties and all the rest – each one teach one, so to speak…. I also see the value in Karen’s point about creating a “safe space” to bring up issues relating to race (although some discomfort is going to be unavoidable).

   Posted 12 Nov 2008 at 7:28 pm ¶

10. Colette wrote:

    I am a white parent of a white son, and I am trying to be conscious every day of my privilege and my own racism. I started on this path because I hurt another human being with an ignorant comment, but I continue on this path because it is my own health, as well as the health of my child that I will improve though a heightened consciousness…and I think that is the main point that white people/parents need to realize. It is in our benefit to increase our consciousness about race and it’s impact on our relationships in this country. It is in our benefit to do the work to eradicate the racist poison that lives inside of us, and start fixing this country (and world) so that we can start on the road to health.

    Posted 12 Nov 2008 at 10:36 pm ¶

11. Tracy wrote:

    I agree with your point about needing more anti-racist parents including white parents of white children. I am white, in the process of adopting my bi-racial daughter, and I have always considered myself a fierce anti-racist since childhood. That said, I do recognize my limitations.

    I find myself so frustrated by so many of my white friends and acquaintances for the reasons you cite. The problem is I get too frustrated and emotional and don’t feel like I can adequately explain to these people things like institutional racism. Some of these concepts are so hard to get across because so many people have no idea or appreciation of the subtle and not so subtle racism that is still in effect. They are completely clueless about their privileged status. My personal goal is to improve my ability to articulate some of these concepts and continue to speak up when I can. I did have some success recently when I replied to a friend who forwarded a horrible anti-muslim email. We’re still friends and she seemed to understand my point and apologized. I know it’s not much but it was a small success. I want to do more though.

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 2:35 am ¶

12. K wrote:

    Karen (that’s my name, too, although I post as K) said:

    [White people] are repeatedly told they are wrong. They are expected to be wrong. They are told to listen but not be heard, not to judge but to be judged. Discussions of race are often not inclusive or safe.

    I’m a white mother of a white son and I see absolutely nothing wrong with white people being told that in discussions of race, we should listen but not be heard. Or at least, we should not be heard until we’ve been listening for a long time, and even then, we should limit our contributions to asking questions and recounting our own personal experiences.

    I’ve been reading this blog for a year and I have found this to be an inclusive and safe place. (I have White Anti-racist Parent on an RSS feed, too, but it doesn’t seem to ever have any traffic.) There are very few people of color in my part of the US (rural New England), and none with whom I am so close that we would have a discussion about race. I know that an in-person discussion would be harder than this online one, but I hope that here I have learned some things that will help me IRL.

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 9:48 am ¶

13. CJsDaddy wrote:

    @Karen – although it is a little weird to suggest an anti-racist movement be more inclusive – I know where you are coming from. I got totally ripped on another anti-racist themed blog for suggesting that the foul language and analogies used there were a major turnoff.

    @Janine deManda – please dont’ take this personally – this is just the latest example of what I was talking about. And since you ask how to go about being more inclusive, I’m going to make the suggestion. Here is what you said:
    {”I still find myself at a loss on an almost daily basis when trying to help my brown-skinned mixed blood daughter navigate a world informed by a white supremacist overculture that insinuates itself into her preschool classroom where other brown children tell her that she’s ugly because she doesn’t look like a blond d*sney princess.”}

    Having been around these blogs for almost a year now, I know what you are talking about – it’s white privilege or white as the positive and norm that’s injected into all aspects of society and media. But to a lot (most?) people, white supremacist means KKK, skinheads, burning crosses, even school segregation and other Jim Crow laws, etc.

    Don’t get me wrong – it’s BS to whine about needing POC to “acknowledge how far we’ve come” and all of that. But consider that a person who might want to learn why it’s a big deal that a little black girl is bombarded with messages of white beauty (re: the doll test) will not be perceptive to the message if their ignorance is equated with a white supremacist group. When I first got interested here, my thinking was – who cares what color the doll or characters are – I’m color blind – shouldn’t my brown daughter be also? It took me a while to realize how naive and indeed racist that was.

    I understand that there’s a place for strong language and it’s valid to tie together all levels of racism and hate, but some people are more perceptive to gentle language and a learning environment.

    Does that make sense?

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 11:55 am ¶

14. Rosa wrote:

    I’m the white parent of a white son. I am so grateful for the internet – I can lurk around on blogs and news sites where I am not the intended audience, and practice my skills of listening and trying to learn without having to say something all the time. (and they need practice.)

    I think one hook for white parents of white kids is that teaching our kids how to behave in diverse environments, and how to be comfortable as a minority in some situations, is going to help them succeed in the future.

    My son is going to start out ahead at school, socially, and someday at work, by being comfortable relating to people of color as peers and as authority figures. He’s going to be able to put some of the energy that I have had to put into undoing my own racism into some other achievement.

    Raising antiracist white kids is a moral imperative, but it’s not charity. Racism hurts everyone, so antiracist work helps everyone.

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 1:51 pm ¶

15. PureGracefulTree wrote:

    I think the burden falls on white allies to educate their white brothers and sisters on the costs of racism to EVERYONE.

    Like it or not, the source matters. Some white people simply will shut their ears when a POC starts talking about racism, because they’re convinced the person has a chip on her shoulder or an ax to grind. I think when it comes to teaching white people about privilege, other white people have a lot more credibility.

    A dear white anti-racist friend of mine, and a minister, shared with me this idea that there are concentric circles of influence. “Fives” are those who are completely clueless, whereas “Ones” are those for whom this is their life’s work. She said that you can only really influence people in the circles adjacent to you, and that model has helped me tremendously. I, with all my wounds and passion and my belief that this is the most important thing in the world, probably am not going to be able to reach someone who honestly believes racism doesn’t exist and that we should all be color-blind. But I can influence those who, say, understand that racism still exists today but don’t understand their role in eradicating it. And they can influence others.

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 3:30 pm ¶

16. Spring wrote:

    Great post. I agree that there is a lot of fear in the white community, and that fear fuels ignorance.

    In terms of reaching the younger generation, children’s books can be one small step. Send some fabulous children’s books to your child’s school, give them to white parents of white children as holiday and birthday gifts, and talk about them with white people. What books? First and foremost, Let’s Talk about Race by Julius Lester, The Colors of Us by Karen Katz, Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman, African Princess, etc. Every time I want to address an item on my social agenda at my kids’ school, I ask the teacher if I can bring in a book to read to the class. I’ve never been refused yet. (I usually work in a little Q & A as well!)

    If we give children a vocabulary for discussing race and racism, this is a first step. I live in the American south and my children hear racist comments and questions with some regularity. Often, their white classmates are simply repeating what they’ve heard someone else say—without understanding it. It’s not hate, but ignorance. When corrected and provided with vocabulary, my daughters have had interesting conversations about race and difference with some of the white kids. In elementary school, kids are still open to ideas but sometimes lack the vocabulary to discuss those ideas. This would be a first step; it is clearly not the complete solution.

    _Muslim Girl_ magazine once did a feature about how tween and teen Muslim girls could build bridges with the non-Muslim community in America…tween and teen girls wrote in ideas about how they personally could bridge the fear and the hate…this makes me wonder if we should ask kids. Sometimes they have the best ideas.

    Great topic. Thanks so much for posting this. I can’t wait to read all the ideas.

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 5:19 pm ¶

17. karen wrote:

    Janine,

    I do think my comment was a little frustrating because I didn’t really answer Tami’s question about what to do. All I did was go on about why it’s difficult. Actually, I think all of the things you list are great examples of how to bring people into the discussion or at least provide a welcoming opening. And so, I wouldn’t want to suggest that you need to do “All that and more, and now …. ” do more. You’re obviously doing lots. Progress is slow and especially frustrating when you are (like I am) trying to get on board the people in your children’s lives – teachers, principals, grandparents, neighbours ….

    I wasn’t able/willing to read the Babble article because it requires you to enable Java, a peeve of mine.

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 6:36 pm ¶

18. Kristen wrote:

    This is a great post, and it touches on things I think about all the time. As a transracial family, I am constantly trying to educated my white-bred, “colorblind” friends on the reality of race, and even to get them to be empathetic to how isolated my children might feel in their own family and community. These conversations are usually met with blank stares or defensiveness.

    It’s a delicate subject to broach, especially to keep people from assuming that their own race is being put down or blamed somehow when we discuss the needs of another. I agree with previous comments that it somehow has to be palateable, but even with the most careful presentation I feel many people are scared to talk about race.

    I have found blogging to be a great outlet, because it does allow me a place to voice my concerns and I know some of my family and friends have been most receptive to my ideas just by reading my blog. I guess it’s safer for them that way . . .

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 7:53 pm ¶

19. Liza wrote:

    Nothing to add, Tami, other than “brilliant and well said!”

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 8:37 pm ¶

20. Andrea wrote:

    I would say that the language “anti-racist” and “white privilege” and “white supremacist culture” and “white allies” etc., is going to be a major turnoff for a lot of people. You risk coming across as the annoying holier than thou zealot relative or friend who talks so passionately and vehemently about the subject that you turn people off. Don’t come on too strong if you want to get people to be sympathetic to your point of view.

    Personally, I don’t feel like being screamed or lectured at or making “anti racism” my life’s work. I don’t think many people do. I’m a news reporter and I do pay attention to race when I’m writing a story or out in the community. I make a conscious effort to treat people with respect and politeness, regardless of whether they’re a bank president or a clerk at convenience store. I write about Diwali and pow wows and the value of my cousin’s very white, Scandinavian-American looking 3-year-old son growing up among American Indians on a Navajo reservation and being completely used to being in the minority. I’ve written about how American Indian kids experience being followed around stores by people who think they might shoplift and how clerks might want to rethink their rationale for doing some of that. When I write a news story, I don’t mention race unless it’s relevant to the story. I make an effort to write about American Indian students or African students as just regular students instead of only in the context of a pow wow or Martin Luther King Jr. Day, etc.
    No one I talk to seems to find fault with the idea of treating people as people or having respect for their unique experiences or challenges. They do tend to get their backs up when they feel personally accused of something.

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 9:20 pm ¶

21. Bex wrote:

    I’ve been thinking about the Babble article, and I am really disturbed about something that she said – it was about her child developing manners and through this, not using the term “doggie” to refer to black people.

    In a talk that Tim Wise gave in June 2002, in Seattle, he talks about his grandmother, and how she spent her life fighting against racism. She was one of the most anti-racist people that he knew. But, he says, at the end of her life, she got Alzheimer’s disease. She began losing her memory and cognitive function. He said that in the last weeks of her life, she was surrounded by black women, who took care of her and “when the cards were down, when she didn’t have the mental capacity to stop it, do you know what she called those women?”

    So, here’s my issue with the article – the whole concept of institutionalized racism has a helluva lot to do with manners. We, as whites, have this poison inside of us – we were raised to take our privilege for granted, and because of that, it is there, and usually invisible to us. We keep it invisible with our manners, and because it is invisible to us (and through the whole colorblind thing, we don’t even see that we have a race most of the time), we have no idea that it’s not invisible to everyone else.

    I find it really disturbing that this woman’s child is referring to black people as “doggie” in the first place; no matter what she writes, nor how she tries to rationalize/normalize that – she taught that to her kid, and nowhere in the article does she do any soul searching as to why/what/how/when she taught her child that black people are similar to dogs. WTF? Seriously, WTF?

    Secondly, after completely missing the opportunity to search for her own responsibility in her son’s behavior, she then fails to use this as an opportunity to investigate this racist behavior with him, and instead opts to ignore it and wait until he subtly learns to cover it up with his “manners.”

    I absolutely think that whites need to be involved in the anti-racist movement. I am trying my hardest to increase my own awareness, but I think that one of the biggest factors for me was realizing that I am a racist. Racist does not equal bigot, and I think it’s pretty important that we draw lines between those things. However, I was shuttled away from people of color in school and put in “advanced” classes, which my parents and I celebrated, as the school taught me the lesson that I was better/smarter, and so were all the other white kids. And on, and on and on.

    For us, as whites, becoming part of this movement requires some serious soul searching on our part. We cannot accept behavior/attitudes like this article, which simply try and brush racist behavior into a corner through rationalizing, ignoring and somehow trying to normalize it. We need to be honest and acknowledge our own racism – our own poison – the dirt that covers our souls, because it’s there – and while we do have some innocence in it’s being there (because it’s built into the society we were born in), we do not have that innocence to lean back on after we have seen it and been frightened by it, and so pushed it further inside and tried to cover it up. At that point, we have become conscious accomplices to the system -rather than the somewhat unconscious accomplices we were before.

    Anyway, I could go on and on, but thank you for the post. It has given me something to think about.

    Posted 13 Nov 2008 at 10:33 pm ¶

22. frida wrote:

    Wow – great post and great comments. I can relate to so much of it. I’m a white mama of two white kids (one busy “screaming it out” and kicking his locked shut door for the past 45 minutes… off topic, sorry). I was influenced greatly by Peggy MacIntosh’s “Unpacking the Invisible Backpack” about w.p. about a decade ago. I used to carry around copies of it and give it to anyone (white) i thought would be receptive to it. more recently, i’ve been trying to talk to other white parents about my thoughts, dropping this website’s name, trying to engage in conversation. Nine out of ten times they get a glazed over look and seem very uncomfortable. i try so hard to not come across too strong. but part of me just wants to shake them: we need to talk about it! we can’t pretend it’s not there! what would you do if your kid had brown skin? etc etc. I feel so frustrated that i have to coddle to their delicate condition of denial. but then i remember the denial i once had. and the kind comments people made that did change my thinking, slowly, and over time. so i think we just have to all keep on fighting the good fight. kindly.

    Posted 14 Nov 2008 at 10:47 pm ¶

23. Kathy wrote:

    I just stumbled upon this blog and think I’m hooked. I’m a White-identified single mother of a white 10 year old daughter; I’m currently in school, where one of my majors is in MultiCultural/Gender Studies.

    I understand, to a point, what Karen was saying about feeling like you are intruding on other people’s spaces when you go to a multi-cultural event; however, I have to respect the fact that white people tend to assume they can go anywhere and partake in anything – because that’s what we’re socialized to believe. Sometimes I seek out feminist, women-only events, and I have to say, when one man is there telling everyone how much he understands the plight of women, it is a serious turn off (to the event as a whole).

    Now this isn’t to say that we, as white people, should avoid everything, I don’t believe that at all. I do think there should be an acknowledgement that we don’t have to be everywhere to show we arent racist.

    Raising a socially aware child (of both white privlege, racist undertones in society and anti-female messages) is hard as hell. Not only are you trying to teach them, but you are constantly having to undo the messages they are flooded with on a daily basis. It saddens me, but doesn’t surprise me in the least, that POC have to teach their children how to deal with those same messages as attacks on their being. I cannot even imagine how damaging that is to a small child, and the parent who has to deliver the message – but I acknowledge that as a piece of my white privlege.

    Not only do White people need to be included in anti-racist education, we need to take an extremely active role in it. We are the ones who hear the jokes and comments spoken in white-only company, in areas where POC are not in large numbers. We need to use our white privlege to access that uninformed, willfully ignorant and closed off world of whiteness to inject a bit of enlightenment to the concept of white privlege. It is a hard concept to grasp when it is first introduced, because it is all part of white socialization. No one says “ok, this is a privlege reserved only for you – *they* don’t get it.” People don’t like acknowleging that the playing field is stacked in their favor – it makes them question things and get defensive; but never doubt that that bit of knowledge won’t creep into their minds next time their buying band-aids, or make up, or walk down the aisle of the local drug store in their all-white community and see the obligatory box of hair product for African-Americans that was clearly put there in the 70s and never sold due to zero demand.

    It is up to all informed white people to teach the uninformed, whether by example, by speaking up or by handing out copies of “Invisible Knapsack, like one poster was doing. I think acknowledging white privlege is the first (biggest?), step to breaking down those barriers. We also need to raise our kids to understand it, and make sure they have experiences with people of other cultures, whether in person, in the media or in books, from a very young age.

    Posted 16 Nov 2008 at 12:22 pm ¶

24. Janine deManda wrote:

    CJsDaddy wrote:
    “I understand that there’s a place for strong language and it’s valid to tie together all levels of racism and hate, but some people are more perceptive to gentle language and a learning environment.

    Does that make sense?”

    Yes, it does make sense insofar as I understand what you’re saying, but no, it doesn’t make sense insofar as asking that I use vague, imprecise language in order to avoid frightening off would-be allies. When I say “white supremacist overculture”, it’s actually shorthand for “global white supremacist capitalist imperialist patriarchy” which is something more far reaching and insidious than any one tentacle of it {kkk, jim crow, skinheads}, and I believe that an essential element in challenging and changing it over time is naming it.

    Orwell’s 1984 is only the most naked example of the power of language and control thereof. For one small example, the huge dictionary my gramma had that was printed in the mid-twentieth century didn’t even include the word sexism. When I was a kid, my ma gave me the precepts of feminism, anti-racism, and anti-classism, but she didn’t have the precise language. When Audre Lorde and bell hooks and Dorothy Allison and others in text and in person gave me that precise language, I felt enormously empowered in myself and in my capacity to share those tools. Though I have had to be adept at code-switching for my entire life and know that it has a place in the variety of conversations on these topics I engage, I am not going to set aside the power tools of precise language in order to coddle the sensibilities of someone not ready or willing to acknowledge them.

    I have encountered more white and white-identified folks than I care to count who are discommoded by the mere mention of the word race. I have been told by a white woman at a meeting for mixed people/families that I cannot call myself a non-white mixed blood, and that I have to list my entire mongrel pedigree by fraction ‘cuz terms like “non-white” are “segregationist” and “divisive” and ‘cuz it’s my job to introduce my full racial complexity to everyone who asks. I know a woman of color who was told by a white female coworker and the white HR person at the feminist organization where she works that she couldn’t refer to herself as a woman of color because it “offended” the white coworker who felt such language was “racist and contributed to maintaining painful divisions”.

    Language and the control of language whether through claiming or censoring are sites of power and its assertion. I am not going to cede that because if I’m going to have allies, I want them to be allies I can trust, allies I can speak accurately and freely with. Otherwise, they are not allies but just more people who want me to hold their hand while I spoon feed them the pablum version of my lived experience to insure they don’t get an upset tummy from the unpleasantness of the realities that I don’t have the privilege to ignore or accept only to the extent they’re comfortable.

    Posted 17 Nov 2008 at 2:09 pm ¶

25. Janine deManda wrote:

    Rosa wrote:
    “Raising antiracist white kids is a moral imperative, but it’s not charity.”

    that is so right on it brought tears to my eyes. thank you, and thanks to all ya’ll who have posted about your own journeys and the work you’re doing. it’s incredibly heartening to hear folks getting it and passing it along, too.

    Posted 17 Nov 2008 at 2:11 pm ¶

26. Janine deManda wrote:

    PureGracefulTree wrote:
    “I think the burden falls on white allies to educate their white brothers and sisters on the costs of racism to EVERYONE.”

    Thank you for that and thank you for sharing the groovy ven diagram/concentric circles of influence concept. Though I have been blessed to be part of more than one extended family member’s progress from insistent “colorblindness” to active anti-racism, I have also experienced that wall {and the ones related to sexism, classism, ableism, etc.} as insurmountable on more than one occasion. The circles of influence you describe make that more bearable and give me more hope that we can each do what we can from where we are, and it can work. Thanks again.

    Posted 17 Nov 2008 at 2:17 pm ¶

27. Janine deManda wrote:

    Spring wrote:
    “In terms of reaching the younger generation, children’s books can be one small step.”

    I couldn’t agree more. I am always sending out book gifts to children in my family and offering book resource lists to parents who ask in other contexts, et cetera. I keep a list of books to read with my daughter that I print out for library visits and encourage family members to send her and the like. It’s a compilation of other lists I’ve found online with additions of our own and can be found here if anyone is looking for titles: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1Q5Q6426NG8I4?reveal=unpurchased&filter=all&sort=universal-title&layout=standard&x=8&y=16

    we also keep a dvd/video list for library visits, et cetera, mostly related to these topics, and it can be found here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1Q5Q6426NG8I4?reveal=unpurchased&filter=all&sort=universal-title&layout=standard&x=8&y=16

    Posted 17 Nov 2008 at 2:32 pm ¶

28. Janine deManda wrote:

    karen wrote:
    “Progress is slow”

    Yes, but it is being made. Thank you for the positive feedback and for your own efforts, however frustrating.

    Posted 17 Nov 2008 at 2:35 pm ¶

29. CJsDaddy wrote:

    @Jinine deManda – thank you for your reply – your explanation was the best I’ve heard. There are really two parts to my concern, although that was not exactly obvious.

    First was quite literally the use of vulgarities, and demeaning language. There’s a world of potential allies out there that their over-riding concern leading them anti-racist forums and sites are their genuine desire to show the utmost respect to all around them. They will refuse to participate, read, or promote sites that use vulgarities and “name-calling” of any sort. I might consider those folks prudes, but these are their standards — negative and foul language will not prevent them from learning from some very smart people.

    Second – I don’t mean to suggest you should use vague and imprecise language – quite the contrary – we should be specific. Sorry if I left that impression.

    Consider when a parent visits a site like this – they usually have already established some level of interest in learning about the anti-racist cause. Should we respond to their curiosity by categorizing their lack of diverse children’s literature as part of a “global white supremacist capitalist imperialist patriarchy”? That might seem incredibly precise to you, but to a newcomer and potential ally, it’s anything but precise and likely counterproductive.

    Think of it this way – you already moving at 65 MPH on the anti-racist highway. Others are at a stop in a rear wheel drive car on a wet road nearby. But they can see the highway and are interested in what it’s all about. If we tell them to throw it in gear and floor it, they will spin their wheels.

    I think I like the concentric circles of influence PureGracefulTree suggests as well because it allows for anti-racist discussion between folks at similarlevels of understanding without stifling the more in depth study of society. If you listened to some of seminars hosted by New Demographic for parents, you’ll hear very specific but gentle language – helping people to understand first – how different aspects of anti-racist parents are positive for children and society. That’s what I’m talking about.

    Posted 17 Nov 2008 at 4:53 pm ¶

30. CJsDaddy wrote:

    Oops – I meant to say “— negative and foul language will prevent them from learning from some very smart people.”

    Somehow I inserted a NOT in there.

    Posted 17 Nov 2008 at 8:14 pm ¶

31. Janine deManda wrote:

    CJsDaddy wrote:
    “quite literally the use of vulgarities”

    Now, maybe this is one of those instances in which “literally” doesn’t actually mean literally, but instead means metaphorically, but after re-reading all of my posts on this thread, I can see no instance in which I used vulgarities. As for “demeaning” language or “name-calling”, perhaps coddling, pablum, and hand-holding qualify for the first category, but not the second. Either way, as Bex noted above, “For us, as whites, becoming part of this movement requires some serious soul searching” – or in other words, commitment, engagement, work. If my or anyone else’s emotional use of language to describe my own experiences and frustrations is sufficient to put folks off the path, then they were never on it in the first place, imho. As Bex also noted, “At that point, [they] have become conscious accomplices to the system -rather than the somewhat unconscious accomplices [they] were before.” I have and will continue to engage folks ready, willing, and able to engage with me, but I have not and I will not pretend that it is my responsibility to do and say ONLY those things comfortable for “potential allies”, assuming they were a monolith that could be universally pleased in the first place which they aren’t.

    CJsDaddy also wrote:

    “Should we respond to their curiosity by categorizing their lack of diverse children’s literature as part of a “global white supremacist capitalist imperialist patriarchy”? That might seem incredibly precise to you, but to a newcomer and potential ally, it’s anything but precise and likely counterproductive.”

    Again, perhaps there’s something I’m missing in my own writing, but I can’t see anywhere that I suggested that newcomers to this site should be grilled on their children’s book collection and berated for any lack found therein.

    What I did say is that I am not going to police the language I use to describe my own experience for any words or phrases that might prove “counterproductive”, and I don’t think “the” anti-racist movement should do so either. Were I or “the” movement to do so, then we would be left with only vague and imprecise language because as exemplified by Andrea’s post above, we’d be stripped of not only the phrase my use of which so fretted you, but also of “anti-racist” {there goes the very url for this site!} and “white privilege” {there goes any meaningful discourse on institutional racism – oh, wait, if we can’t say “anti-racist”, then I guess we can’t say “racism” either. Oh, well.} and “white allies” {does that mean we can’t have any white allies or only that we can’t mention that they’re white or that they’re allies?}.

    All that as it may be, there isn’t “the” anti-racist movement any more than there is “the” feminist movement or any other “the” in similar veins. People find and define their own positionalities in relation to progressivism and work related thereto. In every movement in every era, there are folks doing work across the spectrums of modalities from the poles of W.E.B. DuBois to Booker T. Washington or Alice Paul to Carrie Chapman Catt. The way forward is together and requires the dynamism of a diversity of approaches to a roughly shared goal.

    For myself, the first feminist and anti-racist text I encountered was Audre Lorde’s _Sister/Outsider_, and her liberal use of “confrontational” language was a revelation and a gift to me as a reader because it both equipped and suited my particular modality. In the roughly fifteen years since then, I have continued to work on deepening and broadening my evolving understandings in these areas, but my modality has remained largely consistent – passion, a baseline of civility, and a bald directness. Some folks are put off by it, and some folks appreciate very much not be on the receiving end of what they’d perceive as condescending obfuscation. Whatever’s clever.

    For yourself, you have your own modality, and that’s groovy, too.

    Perhaps again Pure Graceful Three’s spheres of influence example can be applied. If I am speeding down the highway, the person on the access road isn’t likely to ask me for the way to the on ramp. They’re likely going to ask someone in closer proximity to them in space and speed – unless they have my cell phone number and trust my driving enough to call me on it in which case, yeah, sure, I’d give ‘em directions to the on ramp. Like my coworker who couldn’t follow my spatial directions in a team building exercise because I didn’t give them in degrees {move 30 degrees to the left then forward, etc.}, the person on the access road might not be able to follow my directions ‘cuz they might not be in the language most comfortable or familiar to them, but if they really want to find the on ramp and start speeding along the highway, they’ll do it ‘cuz that’s what this or any other progressive effort requires – will, desire, internal motivation, and I can’t give that to or take that away from anyone no matter what language I choose.

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 2:10 am ¶

32. Jay wrote:

    Glad I read Janine’s last comment before I posted, but I wanted to add an “amen”. The highway metaphor is exactly what I was thinking (although much better said…) If the discussions at New Demographic are explicitly focused on the experience of people newly exploring this work, and I choose to be part that discussion, then I will think carefully about my language. But I also need – we all need – places where we can be just who we are without worrying about whether we are being good examples or not, or whether we are being adequately welcoming or not. It’s not my job to make men more comfortable with feminism, and it’s not Janine’s job to make anyone else more comfortable with anti-racism.

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 12:28 pm ¶

33. CJsDaddy wrote:

    @Janine deManda – thank you for your expanded explanation and working to understand what I was trying to say. I saw your use of the phrase “white supremacist overculture” and “disney princess” in the same sentence and misunderstood. My thinking is that as I attempt to educate my daughter’s Grandparents, Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, etc, I first need to explain in positive terms the value of diversity in the media she experiences (including toys).

    I apologize if I left the impression that I thought you were vulgar – far from it. I’m referring to some other anti-racist places on the web where a lot of good discussion takes place, but also a lot of hard-hitting and quite frankly vulgar language. Anti-Racist Parent is is not one of them, and neither are any of your comments. Within the context of speaking to newcomers, that style and level of discussion will not get through. But it certainly has a place – I’m not knocking it completely – just as it pertains to speaking to newcomers -or “seekers” for lack of a better term.

    For me, your comments and others on this thread help me a lot both in terms of progressing toward how to be a better anti-racist parent myself and in terms of working to educate those around me.

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 2:06 pm ¶

34. Sandi Stonebraker wrote:

    I am a grandmother from the 60’s who feels passionate not only about racial stereotypes but about the princess mentality that we have
    inflicted upon our young girls. And that is why when I wrote my first and only book entitled “On Being a REAL Princess, Secrets of the Happy Heart Princess, there were princesses of all ethnicities and from all countries represented. Writing this book feels like one of the most important things I have done in my life as I so believe in the message it offers. Here is more info on my book if you are interested:
    Oh to be a PRINCESS! – It’s a dream of most little girls. The challenge of inspiring these little would be princesses to give the same attention to inner qualities as they do hair, makeup and clothes is one that many parents know all too well. The challenge becomes to define the princess world in terms that a young girl can not only dream but LIVE!

    This challenge was the inspiration for Sandi Stonebraker when she wrote “On Being A REAL Princess, Secrets of the Happy Heart Princess”. This book is about how to be a princess from the Inside-Out! It’s about how it feels to be a princess.

    Featured in the book are sixteen princesses from around the globe who dance into your world with affirmations and messages on what it means to be a REAL Princess. They understand that a REAL Princess is strong, smart and kind. She knows how to think for herself and is proud of who she is and what she believes in. She dreams big and knows that she can make her dreams come true. She understands that everyone is different but each person is special.

    The book includes interactive journaling activities dealing with values, self esteem and decision making. It is a useful tool for parents, teachers, religious leaders and other caregivers to open a dialogue with little girls on all those important issues they face as they grow up in an increasingly complex society.

    The author feels that it is never too early to begin the discussion on these simple values and feelings and although the book is targeted to ages 6 to 12, all ages seem to feel it’s power in reminding them of what it is to be a REAL PRINCESS!

    If you are a parent, grandparent, religious leader, teacher or just someone who has a special little girl in your life, this book is a must!

    Quantity discounts available
    Happy Heart Princess, A Creation of FairyTale Kids
    http://www.happyheartprincess.com
    859-655-9571

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 3:11 pm ¶

35. Nicole wrote:

    I haven’t time to read all the comments but am so happy to read this post. I was just working on one of my own on how to raise my sons (both white with white parents) to be anti-racist. My 4YO after watching the debate, described Obama as “the one with the short hair” and my mom concluded that alas, the new generation is enlightened, doesn’t pay attention to skin color. Whew, glad we’re done, NOT.

    Both my kids went to a preschool which was predominantly black and latino (where my parents live), and now majority latino in a Spanish Immersion school. I am so happy they are being raised with way more friends and peers of different races, nationalities, etc. than I was but have not yet actually talked to them specifically about racism (got a bit on MLK day of course).

    So the question I’m pondering, and I know it’s not a simple answer, is how and when to talk to them about this, do I wait until questions actually come up? I’ve actually tried to have our books contain children of all colors, and one could easily be an analogy of racism (Wings), but mostly we talk about not treating people differently because they have different talents, don’t look the same, size of their house, what language they speak etc. without bringing up skin color or race.

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 3:37 pm ¶

36. cindy / sea wrote:

    As a white mom and student of anti-racism, I spend a lot of time just by the watercooler so to speak, denouncing the so-called benefits to being colorblind.

    Having participated in listening exchanges focused specifically on breaking the denial for privileged folk that there “is no racism” or “they could be purple polkadot” or some such comments, I was guided gently out of my denial some years back that I, too, as a well-intentioned white liberal have racist unaware patterns galore. So began a journey and relationship building across racial and class lines propelling me into certainly a very different level of being.

    Embracing my own heritage and ancestry along with listening to others’ experiences of how being a person of color subjects them to limits and being targeted really many times daily in a course of a normal day in the US has changed me and others I see go for it. (Using a natural healing process to heal from the hurts of racism whether as one targeted by it or one trained in oppressor role.)

    At first, not being color-blind was awkward, and excruciatingly embarrasing. But the more I stepped out of the comfort zone and spoke up, asked questions and became a warm friend, the more I learned and grew and seemed to be very much appreciated by acquaintances and deepening friendships with friends of color.

    Thank you for you great blog. Hope this isn’t too long! You’ve inspired me. Hope this slice of my story inspires and supports you in some way and if there is anything else I can do, just ask. Won’t say I can do it LOL but please ask and–anyway, best to you.

    cindy

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 5:31 pm ¶

37. Andrea wrote:

    To Janine deManda:
    That’s all well and good, but the topic was how to get more people inclined to listen to this topic and understand. What I am saying is that you are going to leave many people completely cold with a certain type of approach. Sure, they might not have been on the same page as you to begin with and you or others might say they’re not worth bothering with if they are turned off by terminology about the “white supremacist culture,” etc. or crude or offensive language. If you have any interest at all in encouraging more people to think about this topic, though, preaching to the choir of identically minded people wouldn’t be the way to go about it.

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 5:32 pm ¶

38. Janine deManda wrote:

    CJsDaddy wrote:
    “For me, your comments and others on this thread help me a lot both in terms of progressing toward how to be a better anti-racist parent myself and in terms of working to educate those around me.”

    My apologies for my part in our miscommunication, and I’m glad that our exchange and the thread and site are useful in your efforts as I know they are in mine.

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 5:44 pm ¶

39. Janine deManda wrote:

    Nicole wrote:
    “So the question I’m pondering, and I know it’s not a simple answer, is how and when to talk to them about this, do I wait until questions actually come up?”

    Like yourself and many parents, I’m feeling my way along with this and an array of topics. Given what I’ve read about raced-identity development, though, I think it’s important to lay a groundwork for conversations about race and racism because if we aren’t talking about something with our kids, they tend to internalize it as a taboo topic or to simply be ill-equipped to ask questions because they don’t have the language to do so with clarity.

    As we’re feeling our way along, we’ve found several picture books to be good providers of groundwork, catalysts for discussion, and touchstones for our daughter. One of the books we’ve read together is _The Skin I’m In: A First Look at Racism_ by Pat Thomas. It has it’s flaws, but my daughter told me recently when she was pulling it off the shelf and asking me to read it that reading it makes her feel better when someone has said something mean at pre-school, so I give it five stars. Other picture books give some history that is an important part of groundwork like _Crossing Bok-Chitto_ by Tim Tingle or _Always an Olivia_ by Carrolivia Herron. Also, DVDs like “Happy to Be Nappy and Other Stories of Me” and “Free to Be You & Me” can help create room for conversations. Though the work is daunting, I am grateful that so many resources are available to help do it – like this site!

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 6:09 pm ¶

40. Janine deManda wrote:

    Andrea wrote:
    “If you have any interest at all in encouraging more people to think about this topic, though, preaching to the choir of identically minded people wouldn’t be the way to go about it.”

    While I’m fully aware that my modality is not the modality of comfort to plenty of people, I do not accept the conclusions you’ve drawn from that fact. I have yet to meet anyone of “identical mind”, and as I noted before, though I can and do code-switch to the extent I feel inclined, I will not accept that censoring myself in order to potentially avoid causing discomfort in someone who may or may not bother themselves with engaging these issues is somehow for the greater good.

    This is me, and me works for me, and apparently, for others as well since I have on several occasions had the heartening experience of being thanked for speaking in exactly my voice in ongoing conversations with folks who began adamantly colorblind or otherwise newish to anti-racism and who credited my forthrightness as part of their shifting understanding. Me doesn’t have to work for everybody as nothing works for everybody.

    It’s all a matter of context anyway. In some contexts, I’m an assimilated centrist, and in some contexts, I’m a scary radical, but in all contexts, I’m speaking from my experience about my opinions, and that works for me. If it doesn’t work for you or someone else, then that’s fine, too.

    All of which is to say that there are an array of valid approaches to being an anti-racist parent and to supporting others in becoming anti-racist parents, and I think pretending otherwise does all of those approaches a disservice.

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 8:03 pm ¶

41. Jenny wrote:

    I’ve been lurking here, as a white mom of two white kids in a pretty darn white community. Since college (also very white but with a lot of liberal white guilt), I’ve been trying to figure out how to make myself less racist. Parenthood has kind of forced the issue. Given our surroundings, we don’t have very many real-life examples of how to teach anti-racist messages, although we do have opportunities to recognize diversity of class and abilities. So, maybe to use the highway metaphor, I suppose I’ve found the on-ramp, but I’m not sure if my car will go that fast. I’m afraid of being the bad driver going 35 in a 60 zone, and probably in the wrong lane too.

    Back to reality, though, the stumbling block for me has been how to learn and retrain myself (and to abrogate some of my unearned dominance) while I fear showing my ignorance and offending those I might learn from. In previous attempts I’ve made to discuss race and political correctness about diversity, I’ve gotten a large dose of “why should I have to explain myself to you?” which has been a definite shut down to my efforts. Maybe it’s about finding the right circles of people willing to tolerate my ignorance? I kind of feel that vibe here at ARP, so thank you all.

    So, in the interest of listening more than talking, I’ll shut up now.

    Posted 18 Nov 2008 at 11:48 pm ¶

42. Schmidt wrote:

    I’m a white woman who is an educator and new step-mom to a 4 year old. For me, what motivates me in this work is the ANGER I have from being actively deceived about racism growing up. I’m mad that my parents never said the word “white” and used euphemisms for race whenever they could. They are good liberal, but how the %#&* did I get to my 20’s without knowing I had a race?! I think many white parents look at AR as something they’re “supposed” to do as good parents – similar to swimming lessons. That’s ridiculous and almost as bad as not doing anything at all. I think if white adults are educated about their place of priviledge the question becomes: how could I not tell the truth about this? how could I continue teaching a lie?

    In some ways I love working with children because it is not always as complicated. Ultimately it comes down to a clear and strong sense of identity, respect for other people, and a willingness to make things better. For my white stepdaughter – I hope I can teach her that she is white (how rare for us to name our own skin!), that it’s wrong to name or intentionally hurt other people, and how to say sorry when she has unintentionally hurt someone. Simple things like modeling strong relationships with folks of color can go a long way.

    I’m going to stop ranting, but one more book suggestion that I absolutely love – Araboolies of Liberty Street. It has great images, engaging for younger kids, and models ally resistance in a clever, fun way.

    Posted 19 Nov 2008 at 12:04 pm ¶

43. Nicole wrote:

    To Janine deManda:
    Thanks so much for the suggestions. I really appreciate those. And I’ve attempted to read yours and others comments and they were quite informative.

    I’m also planning to refer to those books and back to this wonderful post and comments in my post.

    Posted 20 Nov 2008 at 4:58 pm ¶

44. Janine deManda wrote:

    Nicole wrote:
    “Thanks so much for the suggestions. I really appreciate those.”

    You’re welcome. I hope they prove useful for your family.

    Posted 21 Nov 2008 at 2:01 pm ¶

45. Anonymous wrote:

    I’m late, very late to this discussion – but I would like to add that my Mother raised me to know about the “ism” and “isms”. I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood of mostly Italians – my mother irish – and treated like trash for it. I grew up thinking that people lived in neighborhoods with “similar” people because thats how it was… but there was no difference in the people – the irish lived in South Boston, the Italians in the North End, and the people of color lived in sections of Boston because that’s where they chose to live… but they are all just people. half the battle I know – I didn’t understand WHY people chose to live within the walls of their neighborhoods, until later – but what my Mother gave me was and open mind about color and race and focusing on the individual. Now I know that’s just one step of many – but I thank her for going against the grain 40 years ago, and I hope that if parents KEEP teaching, in years to come our children will be better, and their children, and so on.

    Posted 25 Nov 2008 at 9:47 am ¶

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