Open thread

5 Responses to Open thread

1. Megan says:

   November 20, 2008 at 9:24 am

   Soooo, I have a question, probably the same one I’ve answered for other people and the same one I’ve seen answered a million times over.

   Racist relatives. I have some.

   Not my closest relatives, thankfully, but the only extended family we have in the area (the same people who host our family’s holiday parties at their houses) tend to say some truly awful things, mostly about hispanics. In our area, unfortunately, it’s very common to make fun of Mexicans. I remember moving here as a teen and just being shocked. We were taught so much about racial sensitivity, but really everything we were taught in schools only had to do with African Americans. Mexicans in our area are fair game. It disgusted me when I was in school and teachers turned a blind eye to students ganging up on hispanic kids, and it disgusts me now that my own family chooses to make them the butt of jokes when we get together. We’ve called them out on it but they, like many in our area, don’t seem to believe it’s racism (yeah, that confuses me). Also, like many around here, they don’t see anything wrong with it since “everyone” jokes about “them.”

   Honestly, I do not want my son around this. I do, however, want my son to not feel excluded from the family by not being able to attend family gatherings. I always told myself that if I had relatives that couldn’t control racist rants and jokes around my kids that I wouldn’t expose my children to that, and I think while he’s young I can easily turn down Thanksgiving dinner or a Christmas party, but what happens next year or the year after when the whole family is at one house and we’re by ourselves or visiting friends?

   The point of this rambling post is this: I would like some pointers on how to handle this situation. It’s two parents and three teen children, all of whom see nothing wrong with the jokes they make. Should I find some way to break through to them? Refuse get togethers and give them a reason? Just cut off contact given the appalling way they behaved at our most recent get together (my son’s birthday!)? Should I try to go through other family members who they respect a bit more and who they might actually listen to? Or should I go and just wait until the jokes start up and then confront them openly on their views even though I know they’ll back each other up?

   Any advice would be appreciated. Also, any advice on how to alter home videos to lose some of the audio would be very, very appreciated. We were videotaping my son’s birthday/1year home day and while focussing on our son we didn’t pay attention so much to what our family was saying, but thanks to these darling people we have raucus laughter and jokes about Mexicans, homosexuals, incest and porn going on in the background. Yeah, real charming folks.
2. Wendy says:

   November 20, 2008 at 9:35 pm

   Megan,

   I don’t know how to do it personally, but you could add music to the video instead of listening to the talking in the background.

   As for your question, I was in the same situation and have disowned myself from the family. I gave them warning, opportunity for change, and they do not even see the racism they spew. Excuses and denial.
   I have to say that I was worried, but am so much happier now. The stress and worry of it is gone and I don’t have to have my child (as she ages) wonder what they say about her when she leaves. If they will make fun of one group, they will make fun of another.
   If your son is young, he won’t miss what he doesn’t remember. Extended family, especially, is not worth the effort or trouble (grandparents perhaps), but immediate family and friend gatherings will yield more comfort and acceptance–imo, that is where the sharing should be.

   Good luck!
3. Yoli says:

   November 21, 2008 at 10:24 am

   I would tell them that if they continue with the racist jokes that you will no longer be part of the gatherings. But don’t wait until you are at the party/gathering. Just call them up and inform them before the next gathering that this is not what you want your child to hear and think is acceptable and to please respect it. We all want to attend a party and have a good time but not at the expense of what it does to our kids.
4. justice says:

   November 24, 2008 at 3:50 pm

   i’ve heard of a technique when people are making jokes or comments about a group of people to just act dumb and say, “i don’t get it.” and them having to explain it makes them feel dumb. but in your case, since they seem to feed off eachother, maybe that wouldn’t work. i agree with everyone else who wrote in. give them the option of losing out on your company or changing their attitudes. and i certainly would not let my child around that. good luck, that must be really hard. i’ve had to “disown” friends but family must be much harder.
5. Deb says:

   November 25, 2008 at 6:33 pm

   Ouch! These situations are always so tough.

   I like the play dumb option, because sometimes that demonstates most effectively how *stupid* the jokes and comments are. And you’ve gotten some good advise in general.

   One other comment I’d make, though, is that I think it’s important for our kids to see their parents stand up for what is right, even and especially in difficult situations. You have a fine line to walk between protecting your child from these attitudes, and demonstrating to him that you will always be in his corner.

   I do think that enlisting other family members is a good idea. Perhaps a showing of that video, so everyone can hear the comments that were made, with you there to keep attention focused, would help more reasonable family members understand exactly what the problem is. Then they can back *you* up when you confront the offenders.