Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
I have a problem. I have a beautiful 22-month-old daughter who is biracial. Since she has been born, my sister has gradually stopped spending time with me and my daughter and I have recently found out that she (and her boyfriend) are limiting their daughter’s “exposure” to my biracial daughter. She stated that they are employing “out of sight out of mind” so if their daughter does not see my daughter then she will not be “exposed to the product of an interracial relationship.” This has divided our entire family and will probably end our relationship. Any suggestions?
Tanya J.
From the Editor:
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could say that reactions like your sister’s are a rarity, but a quick read over posts and comments at ARP sadly tell a different story.
It is terrible that your sister and her boyfriend hold bigoted views. And it is regrettable that your daughter may not have the opportunity to form close ties with her aunt and first cousin. I know it must hurt that a sibling would let racial hatred outweigh the family bond. Should you try to change your sister’s mind? I imagine if it were my sister I couldn’t help trying. I wouldn’t want to see a family member constrained by racism, living life not knowing the joy of connecting with people of different races. Only you know whether listening to reason from you and other family members might eventually change your sister’s views. People do learn and grow.
Your sister’s development aside, though. She is an adult. But your daughter is a child and her well being is paramount. Children deserve to be protected from situations that damage self worth, attack racial identity, and reinforce racial biases and hatred. Unfortunately, that sometimes means protecting them from the people who should love them the most–family members. You don’t say whether your sister and her boyfriend express their biases in front of your child, but I can’t imagine that someone with such strong views is able to hide them well. At this time, I think you owe it to your daughter to limit her exposure to your sister and her boyfriend.
Your sister made a choice–a bad one–in what she feels is the best interest of her child. The irony is that it is your sister and her boyfriend that are the bigger threats to the emotional health of your child and theirs. You cannot shield your niece from her parents, but you can make sure your own child is not poisoned by this madness.
Readers?
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It’s not clear how Tanya J. learned that her sister held these racist views or that she was avoiding the little girl because of them. I, for one, am somewhat suspicious of reports of such views that come second or third hand, especially if the family dynamic already includes tension and/or hostility.
But if Tanya J.’s sister does hold such racist views, and does want to limit family contact because of them, I’m fully in support of Tanya J. cutting the sister of of her life and her daughter’s life. I’d do the same for my kids, who are of a different ethnicity than my biological family. I think the parental obligation to protect a child from such ill-will — and from the likely demeaning comments and sentiments that will come with it — outweighs any family obligation to the sister.
If Tanya J. has the intestinal fortitude for it, I’d suggest a direct approach. Talk to the sister. Say to her directly: do you have concerns about my family because it is biracial? Do you want to “protect” your child from mine because mine is biracial? If the response is anything other than a unqualified disavowal of racist views and a commitment to treat Tanya J.’s daughter as a full and equal member of the family and human being as she deserves, then make a clean break.
Well said.
Unfortunately, there does not seem to be other way to deal with the problem.
I think you already got good advice. Your daughter’s well being should be above everyone.
“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” – Nelson Mandela
Tanya – my heart goes out to you. My husband’s parents and brother have not met my daughter (18 mos) and it is all based in racism and bigotry. My husband is getting therapy to deal with the family break which is so difficult to accept.
Ken said it best – your kids come first and it’s our jobs as parents to protect them. Sadly, your sister may be thinking the same way – even if we all believe she’s wrong.
Ken also said: “If Tanya J. has the intestinal fortitude for it,” and boy – is that true – my husband is shattered by this. His Aunt is still in the picture – so we focus on her. Focus on the positive. Someday, hopefully your sister will see the error in her ways – I doubt there is much you can do to change her mind, but if you get help dealing with the situation, maybe you can turn your hurt feelings into feelings of sorrow for your sister for missing out on the love of family.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, strength to change the things I can and THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE”
All my best….
I’m coming to this a little late, but I wanted to add my two cents. I have learned the hard way that a family is made up of those who love you – it does not matter if they are blood relatives. Those who do not show you love are not family. To those who are not my family, I am polite but nothing more. I save my love and my affections and my attention for those who reciprocate in kind. My best wishes for you and your beautiful child.