Open thread

6 Responses to Open thread

1. Kavita says:

   December 4, 2008 at 11:23 am

   I have two issues:
   1. A week or two ago, my daughter was watching TV and called one of the cartoon characters a N****. I freaked out, turned off the TV, and asked her to repeat herself. She said it again, clear as day. I asked her where she heard that word, thinking maybe it was at her daycare, which is mostly white. (My daughter is (mostly) Black, I’m (mostly) Indian.) She gave me some 3 yr old mumbo-jumbo about cartoons. I told her very firmly that that was not a good word, that we never say that word, and that she was never to say it again. She looked me in the eyes and confirmed, she understood.
   Then I thought some more about where she had heard it, and decided the more likely culprits were her father’s Black Brooklyn neighborhood, or my CD collection. I’ve thought a lot about what else I should say to her about the incident, and feel pretty comfortable that my response was age appropriate. Now, my most pressing concern is–do I have to throw out my whole Nas collection?! I guess the obvious answer is no, just be much more careful about what I listen to around her. But I’d love to hear some feedback on this whole incident/issue.

   2. At said daughter’s daycare, they have a doll collection she loves to play with. I’m not thrilled about it in the first place, because its mostly Barbie’s and Brat’s that freak me out due to the whole body image/over-sexualized thing. The collection is mostly white dolls, but they do have a fair amount of darker-skinned dolls as well. Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the doll-bin when I went to pick her up, and wanted a “mommy” doll. I handed her a Black doll. She turned it down, saying she wanted the other mommy doll, “with the pink shirt and necklace.” She found it, and yep, it was a white doll. I asked her why she didn’t want my doll, pointing out she had a necklace too, and she said she liked her’s better. I could feel my heart breaking. What to do??
2. mindfulmom says:

   December 4, 2008 at 11:34 am

   I have a situation that I need help working through, even though I *know* what the answer is in my heart first. Second I’m trying to make it into words in my mind. My husband and I own a wellness clinic. We have a wonderful staff who bring many great things to our patients and community. It is a labor of love, a reflection of our inner compasses.

   Here’s the situation. We were approached recently by a woman who wants to rent space from us, and her career would mesh well with our clinic. She is looking to reduce her overhead. It could be a great situation, she reduces her overhead, and we make some money by better utilizing some space we have that goes unused currently.

   My first reaction when my husband mentioned this to me is that I remember this woman being a bit outspoken, by this I also mean unfiltered (maybe just ignorant…). But, I stay home with my children and am not too involved on a day to day basis at the clinic. So, ultimately it is my husband who would have to work with her and he does not have this impression of her (or the money seemed worth the hassle- until recently).

   I was at the clinic the other day and bumped into this woman, she asked how my kids were and how our adoption was going (we are in the process of adopting a child from Ethiopia). I answered like I always do, “good, yeah kids are getting big, blah blah” Then her mouth began in slow motion and I knew it wasn’t going to be good, “I have a friend who adopted from China, they were defective, you know, cleft lip, easy surgery, now they’re great. Now she’s adopting a whole family from Ethiopia. You know in Ethiopia they are basically giving them away, can’t feed them, don’t want them….” My response was milder than my emotion, “no that is not the case…. there are many reasons…. it is very difficult…..” She was only in our clinic 2 minutes before this conversation took place. I think she thought we had something in common to discuss. Of course, as she is speaking I KNOW she will never work in our clinic, it would be a disaster in so many ways.

   My husband knows about the situation, and agrees that this would be a trainwreck, he needs to talk with her still. She is under the impression that if she wants to move in it is a done deal. We plan on letting her know it is not going to work for us, but she will not know the full reason why. It is with this that I struggle. What is and what is not my resposibility in this situation? How much could she be educated if I were to mention it to her. She has a lot of evolving to do before she will even comprehend my message, and I don’t even know her. I hate to think she is sending that message, her words were repulsive, but sadly she said what I know many people must think. Ugh. I shudder when I think of her “friend” who adopted from China and is adopting from Ethiopia.

   Am I making sense here? Any thoughts? This happened a while ago, and although I am not suprised anymore when people are so ignorant, I need to know what to do with the unsettled feeling I am left with. Part of me is sad that I didn’t say more to her right there and then and part of me knows that I will have more tools for future discussions like this. I too am evolving in my anti-racist mind and I need to learn from this situation.

   Thanks in advance, Blessings.
3. ToilingAnt says:

   December 4, 2008 at 4:07 pm

   I’m a little new here so this might be a really basic question that’s already addressed. If so, could someone point me to the answer?

   Last night while helping me clean up after supper, my nearly-13-year-old stepdaughter used the word “Mexican” as an exclamation. I asked her why, and she told me the following story.

   She has a decorative magnetic snowman on the fridge at her mom’s house (where she lives 80% of the time). It’s put together such that the fridge color provides the background and body of the snowman. The fridge at her mom’s house is black enamel, so the snowman is black. (Our fridge is ivory.) She said she calls the snowman on her mom’s fridge “Snowbama”. Apparently one of her friends has a gray fridge (stainless steel?) and together they made a joke about a snowman on that fridge being Bobby Jindal (our state’s governor who is of Indian descent and dark-skinned).

   My perplexity is many-fold. Firstly, obviously none of her story answered the question about why she used “Mexican” as an exclamation, but her low view of Hispanics is not a new thing. She’s often commented that George Bush is evil “because he lets all the Mexicans across the border and they’re ruining our country”. Obviously that’s not even remotely true, and she’s not interested in news or politics herself so I know she’s just parroting something she’s heard. Also, one of her grandmothers is U.S.-born Hispanic, so we (and Granny!) have been quick to crack down on such comments. But I want to help her change the way she thinks, not just control what comes out of her mouth. Help?

   As for the snowman story. I confess to being somewhat amused by the idea of snowmen of different shades, but I told her it was inappropriate to make jokes like that. She said, “I know, I know, political humor and all.” I told her it wasn’t because it was political, but because it was racial. Her intent wasn’t malicious at all, but how can I teach that poking fun at people for their differences is wrong?

   Thirdly, as a blended family, we face obstacles that we are powerless to change. Girlie spends much more time (about 80%) with her custodial mom and mom’s extended family than with us. Her grandparents on that side are openly prejudicial, though I think they have the good sense to realize that it’s not the 50′s anymore and they can’t be as free about publicly expressing what they feel. In their own home, though, they are clearly biased, especially against blacks. Her mom even moved them to a new house in another neighborhood when a black family moved to their street! When that is the dominant atmosphere, how can we use our 20% time with her to teach something else that will actually stick? How can we do that effectively when she is almost a teenager already?

   Fourthly, we hope one day to adopt, perhaps internationally, but almost certainly transracially. (Girlie does not know this, for many reasons.) We are totally prepared to deal with the crap that would be unleashed from others, including bio-mom and her family, but how can we begin to prepare Girlie for accepting a little black or Asian or Hispanic child as a sibling, when again, 80% of her time is spent with prejudiced people?

   I feel like I’ve gone on far too long here, but my mind is really searching today and full of questions. Thanks in advance for any tips!
4. Gillian says:

   December 5, 2008 at 9:01 am

   Such good questions, all. Here are my thoughts:

   Kavita – 1. my brother swears constantly but had a good trick with his now 17yo daughter: “that is not a word for little people”. I have successfully used it with my daughter also. Now I add, “when you are old enough to understand what it means, you can choose whether to use it”.
   2. I think it’s important to share your feelings about the doll because, at the least, you will be modelling that for your child. It is so difficult for kids to understand how they feel, especially about race and appearance. I’m sure you know this yourself. Perhaps you could say, “That doll doesn’t look like your mommy. That makes me sad.” (and make appropriate sad face).

   Mindfulmom – congratulations on keeping your calm with this woman! It seems to me that if the situation is weighing heavy on your mind, it’s not so much to do with your responsibility to educate, as with the powerlessness you feel when faced with such crassness. If you let her know why you will not be letting her space, will you feel more empowered? Certainly that is what you’re hoping to feel (hence the reference to educating her), but if you know it won’t work, maybe there is another way, a more long-term way of finding that power within you.

   ToilingAnt – a difficult situation indeed. My reaction is that your daughter is ignorant, in the true sense of not knowing. She picks stuff up from around her, (like all children), such as “political” and “Mexican”, without knowing the whys and wherefores. She is past old enough to understand, but she needs to develop some critical thinking skills. Have you tried asking her why she says these things and what she means by them. Also, focusing on impact and getting her to empathise (put herself in someone’s shoes: “what would you say if I told you that many people around the world think of Americans as…” or “how do you feel about some people’s belief that women are…”) would shift away from the intent.
5. K says:

   December 5, 2008 at 9:15 am

   I have some questions and comments that are ignorant in the morally neutral sense. Meaning, I just don’t know and would like to know. I hope this is not too tiresome.

   Kavita, I don’t know what or who Nas is, but without throwing anything away, wouldn’t it be an option to listen to music that doesn’t contain that word, or any other words you don’t want your child using, at least until she is older? And, have parents at the day care spoken up against Barbies and Bratz? It is really horrible that they are there.

   ToilingAnt, it took me a minute to figure out but it sounds like you are married to the 13-year-old’s father? Given that time with her mother and her grandparents teaches her self-hatred (I’m being deliberately inflammatory to try to make the case), shouldn’t the custody arrangements be split differently? Like 50-50?
6. Claudia says:

   December 7, 2008 at 9:00 pm

   @ Kavita

   Although my daughter is a little over two years old, I have been worried about the kind of music I listen to around her for the same reasons you mentioned. I know this may sound a bit silly, but I have started downloading the “clean” versions of some of my favorite songs from iTunes. Of course, there are songs that just can’t be cleaned up, but this strategy has eased some of my fears. (I’ve basically had to give up my Playstation altogether – but that’s another story.)

   This is only a small bit of advice, but I hope it helps.