The Stranger, recently published a provocative article on transracial adoption. (Hat tip to Jae Ran at Harlow’s Monkey.)
After all this time, there are still things we don’t talk about. It’s a century and a half after Emancipation and a year before the election of America’s first black president. This is October 2007.
The door is closed. There is a black woman at the front of the room, near the blackboard. She is facing a black man who is sitting down and talking fast. He keeps talking for a long time, as if he has been waiting a while to say this to someone. The police, but not only the police, treated him like he was a criminal. His parents, who are white, didn’t believe him when he told them this, or if they wanted to believe him, they still just didn’t know what to say. Why would they? They were adopting a black child, they thought—not a black teenager, not a black man.
When he finishes, there is quiet in the room, as if everyone is giving him his due. A young Korean woman goes next. She says she has tried to find her birth mother, but the Korean authorities have stopped her. She says she is working to end all adoption from Korea.
There is a young Korean man. He is gay. He is also transgender. He grew up in a white Christian family in a white Christian town. He had to escape. For a long time, he didn’t talk about it. He knows he should be grateful, but here, among like-minded peers, he feels like he can really talk about it for the first time.This workshop is called “Race and Transracial Adoption Workshop with Lisa Marie Rollins.” Rollins is the black woman at the front of the room. She says that a social worker labeled her Mexican, Filipino, and Caucasian because people didn’t want black kids. But she looked more and more black as she grew older. Her parents still said she wasn’t black. She was. Finally, they admitted it too. Then once, as an adult, visiting home, she found a mammy doll in her mother’s kitchen, in among the other knickknacks. That’s the end of the anecdote. She’s still basically speechless about it.
She says it is time to watch a video called “Struggle for Identity.” In the video, people tell their stories, stories like the ones in the room. A black woman who was adopted by white parents boils it down: “Don’t think you can make black friends after you adopt a black child. If you don’t already have black friends, you shouldn’t be adopting a black child.” Then the lights go up. There are several white people in the room who have said they have already adopted black or Asian or Guatemalan children, or that they are right now waiting to leave for Ethiopia to pick up their adopted children. All of those people—the white people—are crying.
They are crying because they have heard things they did not want to hear. But there is more to it than that. They are also crying because they do not know how else to respond to the great, big cultural silence that has been broken here. Read more…
The article references an NPR interview with Mark Riding, an African-American man whose family is adopting a white child. For those who haven’t heard the Riding interview, which I think is important because we rarely hear about black families who adopt transracially and the cultural issues that arise, here it is.
Thank you SO much for posting this.
This is a poignant piece.
I have a friend, who is Black and adopted, who told me once his white adoptive parents wouldn’t let him wear his hair in braids or an afro. That stuck with me for a long time.
I am a white woman with a biracial baby and two black step-sons. I feel like part of being a good parent to them is having friends of different races, having a SOLID understanding of black history and racism (individual and collective), and understanding my own privilege as the white member of the family.
I have mixed feelings about this topic since I am also a law student who has seen a lot about he foster care system and how hard it is to get out of it. No home is perfect, so maybe white parents who “don’t get it” are better than none at all? I don’t know. I do know, however, that if you are not ready to educate yourself about racism and are not comfortable talking about race with your child, I don’t think you are the best candidate to adopt a nonwhite baby. One day they will be adults and they will need parents who can talk about race, who are not uncomfortable with it. Some parents want a child so much they forget what raising a child really means – being uncomfortable and put in hard positions.
Thank you so so so much for posting this. I will be back later with a response…but I am so happy to see that Stranger article here for discussion.
This article says so much.
I am a white woman with two multiracial, biological daughters. I know that they will live a different life than I did. I have been immersed in black culture since about the age of 12 by my own choice. I always found myself hanging out and more comfortable with black kids and going to church with my friends. Their families always welcomed me into their lives.
I consider myself educated and I do everything in my power to expose my girls to all cultures and races and countries and anything that teaches them about reality and the way the world is. (i.e. Not all princesses are blonde and not all heroes are men and what slavery and racism are, etc.)
However, all that I do and teach them will not explain what it is like to be a black woman in our country. My husband offers even more than me as a black/Puerto Rican man growing up in North Carolina. I know that there will be things that their aunt and grandmother and my best friend can offer them that I cannot. It is important to me that my daughters know these women intimately and have them in their lives as role models and as people to share their experiences with.
I love my daughters with all of me and giving them the opportunity to have relationships with women of color and having relationships within the black community is one of the best things I can give them as they grow older and search for their own identities in today’s society.
That being said, I think that these are all things adoptive parents have to be aware of when they adopt outside of their own race. I have intentions of adopting biracial/black children in the far future and I have every intention of immersing them in black culture as I do my daughters. Sure I encounter people from all races who don’t like what they see when they look at my family, but my daughters have every right to know all of their ancestry and be proud to be who they are; this is true of every child born. Adoptive parents have to understand this.
Thank you so much for the article. As the white mother of a black son, I worry about race every single day (or hour!). How will I teach my son what he needs to know? How will I teach him to love himself as he is, a unique individual with a rare family configuration? Sometimes I am excited by the unknown challenges that will face us and am glad to venture out of my “self” as a white woman; more often I feel knee-crushing fear and uncertainty, and an incredible weight of responsibility. Right now, I hold onto learning, reading, talking, as ways to make this journey (which won’t be finished in my lifetime) as a transracial family a viable one. I know also that love isn’t everything in a transracial adoption, but I have to believe that giving a surplus of it and then some is a way to at least give my son a foundation for the future.
Cas-
As a black/white mixed woman I think you’re just about right on point in what you’re doing with your daughters. Particularly by recognizing the importance of black/biracial female role models for them in your family and friends.
I feel that mixed race children who live with a biological parent can face some similar challenges to those of transracially adopted children.
I think this article is mostly BS. Comparing transracial adoptions that occurred in the 60s and 70s with current practices is simply wrong. We as a society and as adoptive parents have learned quite a bit from the problems involved in those early adoptions. We know now, for example, that black children need mentors and role models of the same color and race. We know that being “color blind” is rather stupid, and that no, love isn’t enough.
Also, the prohibition on bringing race into adoption doesn’t hold for ALL adoptions. Some states/counties do include race sensitivity training for prospective foster and foster/adopt parents. Private agencies often require education and training to complete a home study.
I truly hope that white parents thinking of adopting babies of any race aren’t scared by this uninformed article.
I have two sons who were adopted from the foster care system. My older son is white and his biological half brother is biracial, African American and white. These children were placed in our home in a temporary situation tht stretched, like these things so often do, into over a year of back and forth, during which time my husband and I grew to love them unconditionally. When the opportunity came to adopt them, we proceeded. My sons were the first foster children I ever had, and we had begun fostering with no intent of ever adopting. We also did not realize we had some serious infertility isssues (and never did realize it until our sons had been adopted for more than a year.) I would say we were very ill-informed about the many ways that racism and transracial adoption would impact our sons’ lives, and over the years we have learned more and more. Our adoption worker literally advised us to, “Hang a picture of Martin Luther in your home,” something we still chuckle over, since we are pretty sure she meant Martin Luther King, Jr., and how lame was that as her sole suggestion to address transracial parenting? The simple fact for me is that a 2 year old child was thrust into my arms and I fell in love with him. I would have adopted him even if I had been vastly more educated about the issues that he would face growing up in my home. One of my sons has fetal alchol syndrome and the other has a traumatic brain injury. They each have significant medical issues. I read on Anti-Racist Parent so often that white guilt is not productive, and I sure hope that’s true, because I refuse to feel guilty for bringing my precious children into this family. I don’t want to make my sons feel “lucky” to have me, and I’m doing what I can to address all of their needs. This means that facing race issues sometimes takes a back seat to medical or behavioral.
Robyn,
I think the adoption community is moving in the direction of white adoptive parents learning more before adopting transracially, but as a white adoptive parent to a Chinese daughter, I feel we still have a long way to go. We adopted before the Hague, so I am not sure what it requires. We were not ‘required’ to complete any education or training regardging transracial adoption.
My husband has two bi-racial children from his first marriage so he has some experience. I lived most of my formative years in a diverse neighborhood– that gave me some experience with race issues and opened my eyes at a very young age regarding the injusitices imposed on my neighbors because of the color of thier skin– injustices to which I benefitted.
My husband and I sought out numerous workshops and classes regarding transracial adoption. We made more trips to China Town and sought out other situations where we would be the minority.
We have also read and read and read numerous books on this topic. Books on Chinese history, Chinese culture. Books about Chinese immigrants to the US and what Asian peoples experience in this country.
We also seek out cultural events related to China and participate and we celebrate at home as well. I am working to incorporate a few Chinese dishes into my “off the top of my head” cooking list as a reguar staple for our meals.
Our daughter is still quite young, but we are working on all this so that when she is old enough to notice– it will be natural for us.
This is us. I have met other white adoptive families of non-white children who have also sought out information to educate themselves.
Unfortunately, I have also met LOTS of white adoptive families who see no reason to educate themself. I’ve heard comments with regard to adoptive daughters from China, “She’s American Now, no need to learn about China.” It is clear with some parents I have met that these needs have not even ocurred to them.
I find it sad and concerning for the children they have adopted. I believe that all of these parents love their children, but as others have posted, love is not enough.
My concern now is that I no longer have friends nearby of different cultures.
In graduate school I had a diverse set of friends from all over the world, including China. Unfortunately, after graduation I have lost touch with some of my college friends and others have moved far away– to other cities in the US or back home to their countries.
This has left me in a situation where I no longer have friends that I frequently see who are non-white. This worries me, but we are seeking out and finding other ways to increase diversity in the people around us.
This post has gotten longer than I planned.
I hope that white parents thinking of adopting parents of any race read this article and realize that part of their job as a parent is to embrace the culture of the child they adopt and prepare their child for racism they will likely encounter in life.
I am Reena’s husband (last post). I like the idea from the article of being willing to put your white self in situations where you are the minority so you get to experience feeling ‘uncomfortable’. If you expect your racially different kid to do it, why should you be off the hook? How will you be able to empathize with them other than in an academic way?
I lived in Miami for a year and got some prejudicial treatment from some Cubans once. I went into their store and they wouldn’t even talk to me when I approached them. And yes, I spoke Spanish. I wish I could find them to thank them now. But I felt SO much rage at the time. I got a little revolting bitter taste of racist treatment. I’m glad I didn’t puke it up and forget about it, because it has ended up having a nutritional value.
My wife didn’t mention it, but she lived in a black neighborhood and was shunned . She heard parents of black children say, “You stay away from that white girl.” Whether the motive of that parent was hate or fear didn’t matter much to my wife at the time. Interestingly, she is much more racially sensitive than I am, and I think it is because she knows what it is like to be on the other side of it better than I do.
William I am sorry you got such treatment from those Cubans you encountered once at the store. We are not all like that, trust me. Glad you and your wife are making concious efforts to understand that raising transracial children is not easy. They will benifit from your sensitivity.
Yoli,
You hit the nail on the head. Not all Cubans are alike. All adoptive parents are not alike, nor are any group of people all alike. Generalizing comes right before dehumanizing which only leads to worse things…
Wow, that was a great article. As a white mother of a latin-american child I was a little hurt in the the begining because I understand where these parents are coming from. They are trying to be helpful and to hear that they are hurting their child is never fun. However, once I read through the whole thing I was thankful. Because it is a reminder of just how imporant integrating my child’s ethnicity into our families culture is. It reminds me that living in a diverse area is so so important for her.
I agree that talking about these things needs to happen more because there are so many well-meaning parents who have just never heard this side of the story before. “Adoption has never been simple for adoptees.” This really is the heart of the problem. Race is just one aspect of issues that adoptive parents need to address.
This is very interesting. I feel we are in this great nation together we should all learn to get along.
Thank you .
My partner and I are Asian and Black lesbian parents to a nine-year old Caucasian child. At times, I’m very jealous that White adoptive parents can recieve all this “training” about how to raise a child of color or can ask a Korean/Latino/Black adoptee about life in a transracial family- but we get nothing. A couple of weeks after we brought our son home from Russia our social worker (who was also Caucasian) told us “all you need is love” and “just hope for the best”.
Perhaps if we had training we would’ve known what to say to our son after he came from school stating “All the Black kids pick on me because I have two mommies who are yellow and Brown” and ” I hate being White because White people did mean things to Brown people in my history book”
I noticed these comments are regarding children of color being adopted by whites. I would really like to hear about situations where white children are/have been adopted by non-whites; and, what are some of the issues?
How do you think amending the law to include specialized training to adoptive parents because you DO need more than love and a desire to do the right thing.