by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Paula, originally published at Heart, Mind and Seoul
I love this time of year. Truly I do. I have so many fond memories of the extra special little things that my parents did to make sure Christmas always seemed like such a magical time of year. Like my dad using our cross-country skis to make the tracks from Santa’s sled. Or the times we’d come home from Christmas Eve mass, only to see the perimeter of the tree peppered with Santa’s perfectly timed bounty. The dozens and dozens of cookies my mom would let me and my brothers cut out, frost, sprinkle and eat. The list goes on. . .and now with two young children in our home, it’s been especially fun creating our family’s own special traditions which I hope will become treasured memories for both our son and daughter.
But the holiday season was not without several cringe-worthy moments for me. Not in my immediate family or within the circle of close friends, but rather when the extended family would gather, or when we’d be in large groups of friends of friends, or friends of relatives. It was in these particular settings where I knew I had to be especially on guard. Ignorant remarks about me being an adoptee were not out of the norm. I remember being at a huge holiday party with my family when I was about 10 years old. We were in a private residence and I was getting something to eat. I don’t know where my parents were – probably somewhere throughout the home enjoying good food, a drink and adult conversation. A man who I had never seen before came up to me and said, “You’re a pretty young lady. Where are you from?” Sensing what he really wanted to know was my country of birth, I told him that I was Korean. “Adopted?” “Mmm hmmm”, I replied. “Wow. Just think of how lucky you are. Instead of being at a Christmas party right now, you could be living God knows where, doing who knows what. Well, you take care now and be sure to count your blessings a little more this year, okay?”
And inevitably, each holiday season, some ignorant person would spout off some racist remark, recite a not-so-hilarious ”joke” with an offensive stereotype as the punchline or just flat out admit a personal ethnic or racial prejudice that they held. That is, until their eyes would meet with mine and the major backpedaling would start. . . “Oh, Paula, you know that I don’t mean you (or the further insulting “your kind”).” or “Man, this is what happens I start drinking so much – sorry about that, Paula. Hope you don’t take any offense.”
Obviously as an adult now, I feel infinitely more capable and confident (though I admit, not necessarily more comfortable, especially depending on the situation) about calling people out when I hear something offensive – regardless if it pertains to me or not. But I’m especially on alert in these large group-type gatherings for the benefit of my children, ages 4 and 6 1/2, who are already of an age where they’re old enough to know when something unacceptable has been said, especially if it pertains to adoption or race. My daughter has become quite adept at responding with “Why do you want to know?” and “I don’t feel like discussing that” when she feels that someone is being too intrusive or has crossed the boundary of her personal comfort. It’s my hope that eventually both of my kids will know that just because someone they don’t know has said something that is hurtful or insensitive to them as a person, doesn’t mean they can’t have a response. And I’ve found in many circumstances, that those instances are actually the easier situations to confront. Often, it’s when the disparaging remark is said by someone that you do know that it can be the most difficult and uncomfortable to address.
At the risk of sounding like a pessimist, I guess a part of me is always on-guard – even if just a teeny-tiny bit – whenever I’m in a large group of people who I don’t know, regardless of the time of year. And yet, I remember so many holiday seasons where I’ve been blindsided by a conversation-stopping remark made at my expense. It’s probably easier to say, “Hey, lighten up, it’s Christmastime – laugh a little!” or “It’s just all in the name of good, holiday fun” or “Where’s your Christmas spirit?” when you’re not ALWAYS the only person of color or adoptee in the room.
Unfortunately, ignorant and racist marks don’t take a vacation over the holiday season. I can’t eliminate them and I can’t always tell when they’re going to make an appearance, but I can do my best to teach my children how to deal with them and talk about them without being made to feel like a Scrooge who just ruined Christmas.
Image courtesy of miltydotcom at Flickr
Thank you for this very timely post. We are quickly confronting the need to prepare ourselves and more importantly our children on how to deal with racist and/or demeaning comments from others– whether not known, somewhat known, or very well known.
It isn’t easy, but it is our responsibility as white parents of non-white children to prepare them with responses and let them know that it is “OK” in situations like this to confront an adult if they want to and to let them know that if we aren’t there to hear the remark, they can come to us and we will confront the person.
A few months ago we were visiting a “friend” of mine. Not really a friend- friend, more like an old acquaintence from high school who has moved close to where I now live. Her comment to my stepkids regarding our newly adopted daughter from China, “Your lucky, you don’t have to be home all the time to hear the baby crying.”
Hmm, so my stepkids should feel lucky that their parents are divorced?
The children in our family should feel lucky that they don’t get to spend consistent time together?
More recently one of my husband’s aunt sent me a “cute and funny” email. It pictures two Chiuauas (sp) in a car and is basically a joke about how hispanic people talk.
My stepdkids are bi-racial– hispanic/white.
This is a very nice aunt and I am sure she doesn’t even realize that the email is derogatory. I showed it to my husband and we are trying to figure out how to address it.
Stuff like this– people will label you as being over-sensitive, well, maybe I am and maybe they simply aren’t sensitive enough.
I guess I am another Scrooge in the making.
Christmastime, what with the entirely bogus and media-driven “War on Christmas,” seems to be the high-water-mark for people whining about “political correctness.” While there may be some actual “political correctness” worthy of condemnation, most people these days seem to use “political correctness” to mean “that mean-spirited tendency to treat me like an asshat when I act like an asshat.”
@Ken–
… most people these days seem to use “political correctness” to mean “that mean-spirited tendency to treat me like an asshat when I act like an asshat.”
That’s it! And thank you for saying it so succinctly. I’m totally biting this quote.:D
I’m sorry that you had to deal with such ignorant people as a child. I’m glad you have grown into a parent that now teaches her children how to answer such questions. I still get blindsided every now and then but to think of my daughter having to hear these questions or racist comments makes me very sad and even angry. I mean, what the heck are people thinking sometimes?
Thank you for reminding us to be on gaurd this holiday season. I guess it wouldn’t be a bad tradition to always prepare our children for these remarks before a big family gathering. That way they can feel a little bit prepared should something be thrown at them. Although I think I would ask them to tell me of any comments I do not hear so I can give the person a peace of my mind later on.
Am I missing something? I am confused by Ken’s reference. I can’t find a reference to “political correctness” in this post. (I would prefer not to make assumptions about your intended meaning unless you clarify, in case my assumptions are incorrect.)
Sharon, I was basing that reference on Paula getting this sort of reaction:
“It’s probably easier to say, “Hey, lighten up, it’s Christmastime – laugh a little!” or “It’s just all in the name of good, holiday fun” or “Where’s your Christmas spirit?” when you’re not ALWAYS the only person of color or adoptee in the room. ”
That’s the typical response of people who whine about “political correctness” when someone calls them on making rude remarks.
Ken, thanks for clarifying; I had initially misunderstood!
Thanks for clarifying too. People sometimes speak as if political correctness is a bad thing, when its main theme is to end their ignorant, insensitive remarks.
So we won’t lose track of the original meaning of this post, I won’t get started on this supposed “War on Christmas”.
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