Crossposted from Intercultural Talk
My 7 year old learned “the N-word” a few weeks ago, and was immediately told that it was bad, 1.) Because he would get beat up if he used it (explanation from my dad) and 2.) It was just a bad word, “Like the F-word” (explanation from me). I was left with a fear from both of these explanations that 1.) He would think that talking about prejudice and racism was bad, and 2.) That, as with the F-word, it’s a bad word, but it’s okay to use if you are really mad (not sure WHERE he would get that idea…). All of this came about after my dad innocently shared one of his books from childhood, the Mark Twain Classic, Huckleberry Finn.*
Since that day I’ve been nagged by an urgent need for a better explanation-saying something is “bad” or “off-limits” to a child seems like a sure-fire way to tempt him or her to use it, if nothing else just to test you.
Luckily, I had a little ‘divine’ intervention. My preview last week about the upcoming N-word entry was pinged by a site, theunitedvoices.com. That site led to a link to banthenword.org, and from there a link titled N-word defined, which led to the Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia and an article entitled “Nigger and Caricatures.”
The article initially reminded me of Eddie Murphy’s preacher character in the movie Coming to America, with its seemingly lascivious and liberal use of the N word and others like it in supposedly very matter of fact historical descriptions. While I was uncomfortable reading the article, I realized that it did give me the context to revisit the conversation with my child.
As a second grader, he knows about Abraham Lincoln, Harriet Tubman, slavery and the civil war. In 7 year old terms, he can understand that ‘nigger’ was a word used by mean slave owners to make slaves feel bad, and that he would never want people to think he had the heart of a slave owner, nor would he want to say something that would make someone feel so awful about themselves.
“Do you understand?” I asked, thinking my work was done. “Just one question,” he responded. “Why does it still matter when there’s no slavery?” “That’s a great question, L, my generation hasn’t done such a great job, but maybe by the time you grow up racism will have ended and it won’t matter,” I answered with great hope for the future. Until I woke up in the middle of the night thinking, “Oh my goodness, did he ask that because of white privilege?”
And so my work continues. As the Jim Crow Museum states in their values, “Some people claim that race relations are worsened by discussing them. We disagree. Rather, we agree with the Reverend Martin Luther King’s assertion that “time is neutral.” Social problems cannot solve themselves. We confront racism-publicly, continually, and relentlessly.” I would only add, “In public and in the home.”
*While Huckleberry Finn has appeared on many a ‘banned-book’ list over the years, according to the Huck Finn teacher’s guide on pbs.org, “Although state NAACP organizations have supported various protests against the book, the NAACP national headquarters’ current position paper states: ”You don’t ban Mark Twain-you explain Mark Twain! To study an idea is not necessarily to endorse the idea. Mark Twain’s satirical novel, Huckleberry Finn, accurately portrays a time in history-the nineteenth century-and one of its evils, slavery.”
Great article! I just posted a topic about my fears of raising biracial children. Someone commented on it and linked to this blog. I’m so glad I’ve found it and will be linking and checking back!
“Time is neutral.” I had never heard that MLK quote before, but it is so true. Thanks for sharing this experience. I was initially going to say that your advice will help me with my own daughter one day, but honestly – it’s helpful for me, too. It’s amazing the kind of issue we wrestle with through our children!
(Totally off-topic, but since I’m a huge fan of Coming to America – I’m not sure which preacher you’re alluding to in the post? The one at the “Black Awareness Rally”? I don’t remember him using the N-word…or maybe my memory is faulty, LOL.)
Claudia – ‘nother fan of Coming to America here – I also couldn’t think of what preacher was being referred to. The one I remember at the rally was talking about how God helped “Gilligan get off the island”. {LOL}
Anyway, I agree with the NAACP’s official stance on Mark Twain. The n-word can’t possibly be banned in all its forms, just because of its offense. To me, the poem ‘Incident’ by Countee Cullen, is an excellent example of positive use of the word. Positive in the sense of recounting experience and describing the effect of the word. I memorized the poem years ago, because it resonated with me.
Words need context. Some are completely unnecessary, and in a perfect world, should never be used. Since we don’t live in a perfect world, though, definition and context prepare us to identify proper and improper usage.
What an excellent post! Last night my five-year-old daughter started saying “ass” as a nonsense word, and I explained that it was kind of a bad word even though I knew she didn’t mean it that way, so she shouldn’t say it in front of other people. When she asked why it was bad, I told her that lots of people use it to be mean to others, like saying “You’ve got a fat ass.” I think it’s important to give kids reasons why they shouldn’t use certain words, like explaining the history behind the word “nigger”. Otherwise, they think it’s some arbitrary rule and will break it just to get back at you, as the original author feared.
I also love the “Time is neutral” quote from MLK. Frank Wu, in his book Yellow: Race in America Beyond Black and White (which I highly recommend to all, especially Asian Americans), says that there is nothing inherent about the passage of time that causes progress. It is only by dedicated people constantly challenging things that change happens.
The minister at my former church, where I had some pretty traumatic experiences involving racism, discouraged me from doing anti-racism work because it would make people feel uncomfortable (white people, of course). He told me that race relations were getting better every day and I just needed to stick it out. I wish I could go back to him and read him these quotes.
Hi Claudia, and sorry to all if we are off topic– Your memory is safe, in Coming to America he didn’t use the word, It was more the way he was almost drooling at the opportunity to look at and talk about things that as a Reverend he probably shouldn’t (just as on that website, it initially felt like they were overusing the word because the context supposedly allowed it). It’s kind of a long trailer, but in the middle you’ll get a glimpse of the Reverend character as the MC of the Black Awareness Pageant–this was the image I was thinkging of: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iahr_thEbe0.
@ Deanna – no worries on the “Coming to American” reference…just wanted to get clarification!
@jen – thanks for bringing up Cullen’s “Incident” – I couldn’t agree more with your take on the placing these issues in context.
Thanks for referencing the BN-W/Educate-Empower site in this article. For clarification on our perspective, we don’t think the word can or should be “banned” per se because its history is too much a part of enslavement and mistreatment of people of African descent here in America and that history cannot and should not ever be forgotten. We do, however, firmly believe that its history should be properly taught through the school system and NOT promoted as it is through the entertainment industry. We know that the global marketing of this word makes it very difficult for parents to explain its truth, but thank you for doing your part with your child — there are many parents who, quite simply, don’t step up.
This is very interesting, and encouraging. We need more people to address the “N” word issue in America. The “N” word largely ill effects Black America, however what effects one portion of a society, simultaneously effects every portion of that society, either directly or indirectly. Keep up the good work. Peace
I have been searching the internet for hours for advice. My son (age 9) called a boy at the playground the N word today. Out of anger. We live in a biracial home. My son is extremely aware, or at least i thought he was, of how NOT OK it is to use this word in any context. I don’t know the best or most effective way to talk to him about it. I need these words to sink in. Mostly, because it is very important to me that he never do this again. I have never used the word, not even in a joking or referring context, and I do not believe that he has any business using it either. Secondly, because his other mother is black, and his sister is biracial, and I don’t want them to have to hear it. Thirdly, because I would rather him not get the bejeezus kicked out of him for saying it when we were not there to intervene. Lastly, because it is just plain embarrassing as a parent to have to apologize for your child saying something like that. People instantly assume that the things kids say they get from their parents.
It is such a difficult situation. I know that he hears the word all the time. His school is majority African-American, and I know the word gets thrown around all the time. The kids at the playground tonight could have been saying it. I think that if he has said it in e playful or brotherly way, I would be slightly less upset (he wouldn’t have gotten completely off the hook, still), but he said it in a hateful way.
I just need to know what to say, or how to say words that are going to sink in.
He is already full of regret and remorse for what he has said. But I worry that he is really regretting our trip to the park being abruptly cut short and his little buns being sent to bed early, or if he truly feels bad for what he said.
AH! parenting can be so hard!
Rach…the N word cannot be said in a playful or brotherly way. I don’t care what anyone says. It is hurtful. Period.
Have you asked your son where he learned that word? Children pick up all kinds of things from adults, from their peers, and from TV. How did you find out about it? Were you there when it happened?
At the age of 9, he is aware that the N word has the power to hurt. I don’t want to tell you what to do because I don’t know you. But I recommend teaching him the “golden rule”…treating other people the way he wants to be treated. Ask him how he would feel if somebody did something really mean to him or called him ugly names. There is a difference between right and wrong. It’s never too early to teach a child to respect others and deal with his/her feelings constructively.
You could say: “I’m very disappointed in your behavior at the playground, but I still love you very much. Let’s talk about walking away when we’re mad instead of name-calling, OK?”
If possible, he should also be allowed to apologize to the other boy.
After reading these posts I am still left with … how do I truly get thru to my 8 yr old son the depth of this word. His class was studying Nigeria, he referred to another student as “his N… from Nigeria” my son was suspended from school. First I am 100% in agreement that he should be suspended and is on “house arrest” by me as a result. (And he has even expressed he wanted to write a sorry letter to his classmate, so his remorse is clear.) I explained to him that it’s not ok for anyone to say this word under any circumstance. And also discussed with him that this particular word is used to be very hurtful to a person simply due to their race and was started by slave owners. He replyed with “I understand it can be used to hurt people but that it’s not always used that way nowadays. Why do my black friends call each other that and it’s like their brothers and everyone’s ok with it but I say it and I get in trouble” …uhhhh I was stumped for a moment, I eventually repeated what I had said initially that it’s not ok for anyone to say no matter their race or the situation.
So here I am with how to explain why he gets in trouble for using it in social setting but his black friends do not? I don’t agree that anyone has a free pass to use a racial slur no matter the context. But how do I really explain this to an 8 yr old?