Open thread

9 Responses to Open thread

1. double_mom_fam says:

   January 22, 2009 at 8:22 am

   I spent last weekend visiting my sister and her family. We do not have the best relationship – it is very superficial – but it is fine. I went because I wanted my son to spend time with his younger cousin. My son is 4, his cuz is 2 1/2. They have a lot of fun together. My sister and her husband are very bigoted. I know this, but it never ceases to amaze me. The often say thigs about how their elderly neighbor’s caretaker is probably stealing from her because she is (the caretaker) “PEURTO RICAN.” My wife is Puerto Rican and she knows that. I strongly identify with my in-law’s. And what about my son standing right there??? They – my sis and her husband – feel every entitled (for ex., they have my bro-in-law’s dead grandfather’s handicapped parking sticker and they ALWAYS park in those spaces – even when the lot os EMPTY!). They make racist comments, classist comments… they have yet to make homophobic comments in FRONT of me, but I am SURE that they “feel bad” for my son who is being raised by two moms – one of whom is (gasp!) Puerto Rican. I KNOW that I need to start making some tough decisions about whether or not I can keep visiting them – esp. as my son gets older. It is difficult because she is my sister. Besides being siblings, we have nothing in common. I amvery angry right now b/c I just saw a couple of videos that they took from the weekend. We went to a museum on Monday – MLK Day. Admission was free and there were lots of events taking place – dancing, music, local organizations had tables. We took the boys to a storytelling hour where they sang African songs. I had a feeling that my sis and bro-in-law were snickering, but I ignored it. I just saw videos that they took and my bro-in-law is making racist comments when recording the kids dancing – but only when kids of color enter the screen. It disgusts me. It makes me beyond mad. They do not say it in FRONT of me because they KNOW that it would make me angry and that I would say something to them. I want to ask – “do you snicker and make comments when your Puerto Rican nephew who also has 2 moms walks by?” They also commented (on the video that I just saw) how it was “‘guess who’ day, so admission was free and we were the only white people in the buidling.”
   I wish that it was easy and that I could just end my relationship with them. I know, from reading this blog, that many have faced this same issue and have chosen to end family relationships… But what do I do? How do I do it? How do I raise my son to understand that there are so many people like them and that the things that they say are NOT ok? I feel like I do a good job until I go to see my sis, and then I feel like I am sending contradictory messages to my son. I know that this is a little rambling, but I would appreciate any comments/feedback.
2. Fusion says:

   January 22, 2009 at 12:02 pm

   This past weekend, my seven year old son said to me, “If it wasn’t for Martin Luther King, you couldn’t be my Daddy.” I thought I was ready to answer any questions about race that he may have, but that statement stunned me. I was still able to turn it into a positive conversation. He gave me a new perspective on how much the events of the past few days have meant to the country and to my own family.
3. Fusion says:

   January 22, 2009 at 3:55 pm

   I know how hard it must be for you. I think you should at least try to have a discussion with them and explain how you feel. What they are saying and do is hurting you and your family. You need to do what is best for them.

   My son is 7 and becoming aware of racism. He learned about what MLK was fighting for. He thought it was weird that white people and black people couldn’t be friends. (see my post above for another observation he came up with).

   My wife and I will not tolerate any racist remarks in our family. I have barely spoken to my father for 7 years for comments he made, even before our son came home. At that time in my life, I wasn’t ready to confront him directly but wish I had. He probably doesn’t even know how much what he said hurt me.

   This past Tuesday, when Obama was being sworn in a co-worker/friend of mine sent a racist joke through an email to me. Thanks to experience over the years and the many things I have read on the ARP website. I knew I could not ignore it. After I took a few minutes to cool down, I responded that it is unacceptable humor and ended with a quote from MLK.

   “I have a dream that my… children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

   History was made and a big step was taken this week, but the fight is not over. We have to be advocates for our children and show them that type of behavior won’t be tolerated. One of the best ways to do that by example. If you let you son see his aunt and uncle behaving that way, he might think you think it acceptable.
4. TranquilOne says:

   January 22, 2009 at 7:13 pm

   Today, I have finally found the word to describe what I am facing regularly at my children’s school. I’m the “ethnic” in an interracial marriage and my children don’t have hate directed at them because they pass for white. But I feel as if I have to put on a psychic armor when walking through their school. The word I found is “microinequity”.

   An excerpt from Wikipedia:

   according to Sandler[1], refers to the ways in which individuals are “either singled out, or overlooked, ignored, or otherwise discounted” based on an unchangeable characteristic such as race or gender. A microinequity generally takes the form of a gesture, different kind of language, treatment, or even tone of voice. It is suggested that the perceptions that cause the manifestation of microinequities are deeply rooted and unconscious. The cumulative effect of microinequities can impair a person’s performance in the workplace[2] or classroom, damage self-esteem, any may eventually lead to that person’s withdrawal from the situation.

   In the original articles on this subject in the 1970s, (see references below), Mary Rowe defined micro-inequities as “apparently small events which are often ephemeral and hard-to-prove, events which are covert, often unintentional, frequently unrecognized by the perpetrator, which occur wherever people are perceived to be ‘different.’”

   *************************************

   I’m pushing for change and it may not happen while I’m there but maybe I can make it better for those who come after me.
5. karen says:

   January 22, 2009 at 8:37 pm

   double_mom _fam: Yikes! You have a very difficult situation.

   I’m curious: Does this problem extend beyond your sister and her husband? What about the rest of your family and your BIL’s family? Do they recognise the same behaviour you do? Do you think they hold some of the same views as your sister and BIL? It would certainly be nice if you felt you might have some support (even if silent) from the rest of the family in facing these conflicts.
6. Liza says:

   January 23, 2009 at 6:55 am

   @ double_mom_fam:

   Not easy. I think it’s easy for us to dismiss friends or casual acquaintances, but certainly not family. Much easier said than done. So, I don’t really have any input as to how to do this, but I did want to share a story on the effect of it.

   When I was younger (7-8 years old), my dad made a decision to no longer have contact with some of his family members because of hurtful things they had said about our family. I didn’t understand it when I was younger, but as I got older, I grew to respect my dad in ways that words cannot express. I grew up with the message that your family (children/spouse/partner) do come first — even at the expense of your own brothers/sisters/parents. Not easy at all.

   Through his actions, he taught me that even the most difficult decisions need to be made. I know it wasn’t easy for him to make the decision to no longer have a relationship with some of his family members, but through it, he taught me that even doing the “right thing” can sometimes hurt. I think he’s the reason why I do the kind of work that I do: it’s not easy standing up for what’s right in the face of injustice.

   Good luck with this — it’s not easy. Just wanted to share the “kid perspective” of how my dad’s similar decision affected me in a very positive way.
7. Andrea says:

   January 23, 2009 at 9:58 am

   Double mom family, I’d probably limit your contact with your sister and her family, but I think it’s a mistake to cut off family members altogether. Family is too important.

   I would tell them strongly that they don’t have to approve of you being married to a woman or even of her being Puerto Rican, but you expect them to be polite and hospitable and never to say negative things about your marriage or his other mother to your son or you will not be able to see them for awhile.

   As he gets older, you can explain to your son that you don’t agree with his aunt’s behavior or beliefs and that’s why you don’t see her more often, but she’s your sister and sometimes you have to make more allowances or more of an effort for family. She obviously doesn’t approve of you either, but she apparently still wants to see you and it sounds like she holds her tongue when you are visiting, so maybe she values the relationship more than you think she does.

   They have every right not to approve of gay marriage, if that’s the issue, and I wouldn’t expect them to change, though they do owe it to you to be civil and treat you and your partner with respect, just as they should other people they don’t agree with. The handicapped sticker thing is illegal and I’d probably report them anonymously the next time I saw them use it illegally. Their biased and prejudiced comments and behavior would be hard to take, though unfortunately they have a right to say those things too, though you have a right to remove yourself and your child from their presence when they do so or if you hear of them doing so.
8. Claudia says:

   January 23, 2009 at 12:01 pm

   @TranquilOne – thanks for your post on “microinequity”

   The term is a mouthful, but it offers a surprisingly accurate way to describe was is so often indescribable.
9. double_mom_fam says:

   January 23, 2009 at 5:58 pm

   Thanks, all, for your input. I really appreciate you taking time to read my vent and post thoughtful responses.