Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
I have a question I am hoping to get some help on. There is currently a full on war at our house in trying to select our 4-year-old son’s school for next year. We have two sons, the older (4 yr old) was adopted as an infant from Guatemala and the younger is from Ethiopia. My husband has spoken with many of the African-American families he works with and the majority told him that their children attended a mostly-white school and their friends were for the most part white. From what he said, the kids all had good experiences in grade school and they did not appear to have been singled out because of their color. I am having trouble relating the experiences of these children to our own family. I feel that the experience of these children is due in part to the fact that they all had strong and supportive black families at home that provided a strong base for their identity. While we can read all the books on transracial adoption and provide positive black and Hispanic role models for our children, at the end of the day, we are still white and have never had the experience of being the only black child in a classroom. Am I totally off base here looking for a school that would provide more diversity?
Jo
From the Editor:
Choosing the right school for a child can be a difficult for any parent. No matter the race of your child, diversity is but one factor to consider among academic and other concerns. Which factor should be paramount? The aggravating thing is that there is really no right answer to that question. They key is determining the right decision for your child and your family at any given point in time.
Few schools are perfect. I think the key to successfully placing your child is determining a school’s weak spots and weighing how successfully your family can make up for them. If a school has a poor sports program, can you make up for that by enrolling your child in community leagues? If a school presents few friends of other races for your child to meet, can you make up for that by living in a diverse area and introducing your child to a variety of friends outside of school? If transportation is an issue, can you band together with other moms and dads and take turns ferrying kids to and from school? Academic weakness is hard to make up for, so that is customarily a parent’s chief concern.
But ensuring a child is exposed to diverse peoples is also very important, and not just for kids of color. You cannot expect that your white child is learning to respect and understand people of color, if your family rarely sees or interacts with people of other races and cultures. (The same is true of Asian children, black children, Latino children, etc.) Racial sensitivity does not simply develop on its own. It is far too easy for a child to absorb society’s biases without intervention. The post-racial world that everyone is so hungry for will never come to be unless we ensure that each generation lets go of some of the hang-ups of the last. School is one place where we can make that happen. School is the first place children can have important interactions with people who are different from them.
Ensuring that your child develops anti-racist beliefs is just one reason to send him to a racially diverse school. Educational environment can play a large role in developing (or not) a child’s self esteem and identity. This seems to be your concern. And it is a valid one. Even under the best circumstances, it is stressful to be “the only” or even “one of a few.” A child in that situation is subject to the racial biases of the majority. Navigating friendships and eventually dating requires extra effort. Existing in a majority white environment often requires a person of color to concede some of his identity to fit in. It requires a bit of “masking.”* But ultimately, that is the lot of people of color in America. It is not something that you can protect your child from. He will have to learn to navigate these waters. I find it hard to believe that the children of your husband’s co-workers have never been singled out because of their race. More likely, his African American colleagues know from experience that racial prejudice is an unavoidable part of life and have deemed the level of bias their children confront navigable. They find ways to nurture the esteem of their children. They help them find ways to stand up for themselves when necessary. And they help them make the most of the benefits of their situation. This is what you will have to do, no matter where you ultimately send your sons to school. And you are right that it will be more difficult because you cannot share the experience of being a racial minority.
Growing up, I attended nearly all-white schools and nearly all-black schools. I had only a brief experience with an educational environment that I would deem well-mixed racially. My parents, both educators, viewed academic concerns as most important. They sent me to schools where I would get the best academic preparation. And they supported me in dealing with the rest of it: Being the only black girl among a circle of white friends and, later, being the “not black enough” kid in an urban, black school.
My stepson, too, has experienced being the majority and minority in school. For the last three years we have lived in a community and school system that is 95 percent white. My husband and I are pleased with both my son’s current school and his circle of friends. Is the situation perfect? No. Are there racial issues? Yes. Such is life.
I do not share these things to say that my experiences are best, but to illustrate that what will work best for your children is unique and may change over the years.
Jo, whatever choice you ultimately make, I know your little one will be fine. That you recognize the challenges ahead and are determined to be proactive in dealing with them puts you miles ahead of many parents. You should congratulate yourself for that. Readers, what is your advice to Jo?
(See Racialicious and What Tami Said for recent discussions of interracial friendships sparked, in part, by the Miley Cyrus controversy, and the lone Asian young man in a group of white “friends” making a visual slur against Asians.)
Do you have a question for Anti-Racist Parent? Send it to team@loveisntenough.com.
Image courtesy of grahamblackall on Flickr
I think it’s great that Jo is able to even consider the option of a more diverse school for her child. As Tami said, whatever decision Jo makes will ultimately be the best for her child. That being said, I’m more impressed with the concept of school options. Perhaps this is possible in larger, more urban areas. Where I live, children go to the school where they are assigned. The only “choice” available would be placement in a tiny, religious based school where there is limited funding, resources and a totally homogenous student body. For elementary school, you go where you’re told. For middle school and high school, there’s only one choice because there is only one school. There is no option to go out of the district because I want a more “diverse” education for my son. While I love the thought of such a choice, it just isn’t possible in our community.
As a white adoptive parent of an African American child, I think it is very important that you do not subject your children to being the “only”. They already get that at home. My daughter was the only at her otherwise diverse preschool, and as soon as she was verbal enough, she told us how badly she felt about it. She felt all wrong in herself. Now she is at an elementary school with lots of other African American kids and she feels much better about who she is.
I agree with the letter writer that there is a huge difference between black and other minority families choosing to live in white neighborhoods, and families with white parents and minority kids making the same choice. When kids are a different race than their parents because of adoption, we parents are more obligated to seek out diversity in our neighborhoods and children’s schools. This is a no-brainer.
The clearest and most helpful writing I have seen on this subject is by one person who has posted on an Ethiopian Adoption message board. I think the message board is open to all so I will link to two of her really great comments on this subject.
Her posts really helped me clarify that there is no school that will have everything that I want for my kids. So my task is to figure out what will be the areas that *I* will be able to make up for/supplement and what will be the areas that would be much harder for me to supplement.
The bottom line for me is that I can easily supplement academics, sports, art, free play, creative thinking, quiet time, music, etc. Much harder to find everyday interactions and relationships with black adults and children if my kids are in majority white schools.
but read her comments! Her writing is so great.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/EthiopiaAdopt/message/49376
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/EthiopiaAdopt/message/49108
Growing up in what used to be a small farming community I was one of few black children in my elementary school I had nothing but a good experience and never felt out of place or was singled out. Once I hit middle school more African American and minority families moved into my town and now that I’m 20 and in college my town is so diverse from what it used to be. Only you can determine what is best for your child.
I don’t think that you’re totally off base for diversity in your child’s school being important to you. It’s near the top of the list of important things to consider for my husband and I as we’re considering schools and neighborhoods.
It’s certainly important that your child have peers that they can relate to. I didn’t have many friends that were the same as race as me, but those that I did have I found that I could talk to those that I had about different subjects that I couldn’t with my other friends. And that may not be true for everyone, but it was for me.
With you being a different race as your children, it is a priority to expose them to peers and mentors of their own race, and from your letter you know that. Although, I wouldn’t completely discount your own influence on your children since you seem willing to learn and understand their cultural and racial background as it influences their experiences growing up. That’s very important.
While diversity in their school is important, don’t forget just everyday life. If you can’t get the amount of diversity you would like in their schools (and even if you can) including your same values in that for their peers and mentors in being around them day to day is really good.
Dang, Tami, I think you answered it perfectly.
My family is also struggling with diversity and schools. My husband and I are Caucasian, as is our infant daughter. Our son is AA/Latino. We did extensive research before buying our current house, looking for good, diverse schools, etc. We thought we found the perfect situation – school that was 1/3 AA, 1/3 Latino, 1/3 Caucasian with a strong Spanish Immersion program in pre-K through 8th grade. It ended up being a near disaster for many reasons. We switched him to a nearly all-white school that works with his need to move (he is a kinesethic learner and has sensory processing disorder with lots of sensory seeking). He is feeling good about himself and loving school. I still feel so torn about the lack of diversity. Because of where we live, I can’t find a school that is both diverse and will teach him the way he needs to learn.
Nice job in answering the question, Tami. There are multiple considerations. As a transracial adoption educator and having heard many TRAs who did not grow up in diverse schools, if the choice is to put your child in a non diverse school for strong education or other reasons, please supplement the diversity through other means- sports, dance, religion, social groups , etc… ( Whatever is important to your child/ family as extra curricular activities.) And do it on a regular basis, not just once a month.
And be aware that while it is easier to navigate as a little child, junior high as “the only one” for some kids is very difficult. Dating can often exsperate the problem, if cross racial dating is not common in your area. Then the child becomes ” dateless” which often translates to low self esteem. ( I ‘m not attractive; I’m not likable etc…) . It is hard to do well in school when you feel bad about yourself, even if you are in an excellent school. ( Also note: if the good school has racist teachers and/ or teachers that are not conscious of their own racism, the good school may turn out not to be the best education for your child- a child of color, even if they serve White children well with their education. )
In short, find the diversity on a regular basis some where. ( That actually should be the lesson for all parents of children of all races. )
Best of luck in your decision!
Michelle
School choice is fantastic, but it feels like a luxury right now, in today’s economy. Our public school is primarily caucasian with some Latino population, but I’m not sure that anything other than our immediate public school is an option–paying for private school is not. As far as identifying other schools that might offer better options, but that would require travel to other areas of the City–with both parents working it’s also not an option, where travel and after school care are required.
That said, I believe (I have to believe?) that through experiences outside of school, conversation, exposure, etc., that I can still raise an intercultural child. “L” is unique at his school==he’s only one of 3 out of 600+ students who is Jewish, and a minority with a Latino (Brazilian) Dad. But the bigger concern is raising him anti-racist/intercultural where I sometimes feel we are the minority in event talking about this as an issue.
So, back to focus–I think getting the best education within your economc means is place to start, with the understanding as Michelle just said, that there may be alot of work (albeit before 9 or after 5 or on the weekends) to fill in all of the gaps that school cannot fill.
I think it’s wonderful when people can choose their school, however I’m in the population where we can’t choose our school. We moved to the city/town we did because it was what we could afford. The better funded school system was just too much for us to afford in terms of taxes, etc.
I agree that it is difficult to be the “only” ( I was one of the onlies throughout my entire secondary education). However, even though a school may be diverse in terms of population, there is so much inequity in how kids are treated based on their race. For example, though a school is racially diverse, are all the Black kids stuck in the remedial programs and all the White kids in honors programs (regardless of academic talent)? Are kids of color disproportionately the ones sent to the Principal’s office or held inside during recess?
I sometimes think the bigger and better questions aren’t necessarily about the population of the students but rather the attitudes of the teachers/administrators. If there are White teachers who “get it” and who teach in a predominantly white school, I’d be more likely to send my bi-racial children (Latino/Asian) kids there than to a racially diverse school where all the kids of color are institutionally discriminated against.
With my 5 year old, I’m also realizing that all the good can happen at her school, but if she comes home and watches certain TV shows, she’s getting negative messages about people of color.
For those of us who can’t choose the school, I think the responsibility is on us – even more so – to make sure that our kids are getting the correct messages about diversity.
I write this, and yet, still wish I had more friends of color growing up..!
caveat: we live in an urban district with a certain amount of school choice.
Our daughter is Latina, adopted, and we are both white. We visited a number of schools in our search for a kindergarten next year. We were fortunate to find a dual immersion Spanish-English program. My daughter definitely felt a sense of fitting in when we visited, and she wanted to go there right away! The biggest plus for this school for us (aside from her becoming bilingual in her birth language) is that almost all of the teachers and school staff are Latino(a). We decided against another school where we preferred the educational philosophy/approach but the students and teachers were almost all white. We can fill in some of the missing academics, etc. from the immersion school, but it’s harder to create the experience for her of being in the majority while her moms are in the minority. Good for the whole family, I think!