Dispatches from Nappyville: What’s the mother of a black child to do?

Sorry for the late post today.

So, I’m all het up about a slight to black, natural hair. What else is new? But I swear, I would stop writing these posts if people would quit demonizing black hair and disseminating incorrect information about it.

What’s got me steamed this time? I was reviewing a transracial adoption site, in hopes of having a new resource to share with readers of Anti-Racist Parent. I will not be linking to said site here, so as not to spread bad info. But under a section on hair, the site “informed” that black, natural hair tends to be drier than white hair and requires added moisture (Okay…that is often true–not always, but often). Then the writer offers that, despite the need for moisture, black hair shouldn’t be washed often, as too much water can be drying. Wait…what? Now, one might generally assume that water and moisture are damn near synonymous. Apparently, though, on black people, water is not….wet. Also, if you feed a black woman after midnight, she turns into a gremlin. Okay. That last bit isn’t true. But neither is the first bit, which feeds the notion of black, natural hair as some mysterious, unknown quantity, defying even the natural laws of liquids. To its credit, the site suggests that parents of black children take care to instill an appreciation for black physical features and that they avoid straightening hair with chemicals. But it also tells parents that they must use products specially formulated for black hair. Also not true.

Black hair does not require special care. It simply requires care, like anyone else’s hair. Black hair care only seems special or unusual if you a) start with the assumption that what works for white hair is what is normal and right for all–the baseline against which all other regimens must be judged; or, b) care for black hair with an eye toward making it embody the qualities of non-black hair, rather than its own qualities.

It occurred to me that it must be challenging to be a non-black parent searching for good information to care for the hair of a child with African ancestry. The misinformation is rampant. This is another example, then, of why it is important for non-black parents of black children to have other black people in their lives. Someone who actually has a head of coily or kinky locks would surely be the source of accurate information about black hair. Yes?

Maybe not. Barely a day after the aforementioned brush with nappy ignorance, a frustrated reader e-mailed me. The white mom of a black child, she had visited an international adoption blog run by a black woman, who in a current post was castigating white parents for [dred] locking their children’s hair. (I’ll be giving no link love to this blog either.) The sight of a locked child with a white mom drives this blogger to distraction. After, I’m sure, surveying the some 40 million black people in America, the blogger asserted that NO black parent would EVER lock a child’s hair unless that parent also wears locs. See, straightening is a right of passage and, I quote:

Little Black girls love to swing their pigtails as equally as their white counterparts. Getting your hair pressed for Easter Sunday is a rites of passage of sorts. Hair envy is common, even on small girls. Little Black girls were not very happy to have their hair braided up because although it saved you from the torture of getting your hair “did”, it ultimately took away the free feeling of having your hair down.

Little black girls love to swing their hair, because even at a young age, females in this society learn to buy into the prevailing Eurocentric beauty standard that long, straight, swinging hair is prized and beautiful, while nappy, coily, curly, twisted, braided and cornrowed hair is not. Hair envy isn’t exactly what we should be abetting in young girls. We should praise parents who encourage black girls (ALL girls) to love the skin they’re in and who find hairstyles adaptable to their natural hair–be it long and straight, short and kinky, or anything in between. Instead, this blogger complains about parents making “permanent” decisions about their children’s hair, as if those kiddie perms that are so popular are not permanent, too.

I don’t know how many more times I need to learn this lesson: Being black is no predictor of one’s level of natural hair knowledge. I had hoped that my generation of black women would be the last forced to learn about our hair as adults, unlearning years of misinformation and wives tales. If the parenting resources I’ve stumbled upon in the last week are any indication, I’m out of luck.

Image courtesy of DouaLiege on Flickr

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Anonymous on 19 Feb 2009 at 7:02 pm

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Comments

Kandi wrote:

I just did my teenage sister’s natural hair over the weekend and she said for the first time EVER in her life it did not hurt to get her hair done. There was no clump of torn hair in the brush and on the floor. All it took was time and attention to grab sections of her hair and brush gently from the ends and work my way up. 1 hour.

I was one of those that thought it was difficult. After all, I did grow up in this society. In this world. But I learned. And I took my time. And I tried. But most importantly, I stopped trying to make it something it was not.

Posted 18 Feb 2009 at 2:12 pm ¶
eden wrote:

I totally agree, but I will say that the statement that black hair “shouldn’t be washed often, as too much water can be drying,” while incorrect, is alluding to a correct statement.

Harsh cleaning chemicals in many shampoos can be drying, especially if used daily. This is true of all hair, and I can’t imagine that hardly any child’s hair needs daily shampooings, whatever their ethnicity. I don’t wash my straight, white, adult hair with shampoo daily!

Posted 18 Feb 2009 at 2:15 pm ¶
atlasien wrote:

I understand the basic principle that too much water can be drying.

As water evaporates, it can take with it the oil that’s protecting the hair or skin. For example, if you go out in heavy rain and then the rain evaporates out of your hair, your hair will often frizz out. If you go swimming in a pool or a lake or the sea, same thing.

But that’s a property of all hair, regardless of race… or species, for that matter!

Posted 18 Feb 2009 at 2:40 pm ¶
momof3 wrote:

Well, as a white mom to 2 proudly loc’d daughters, I am happy to teach our girls and our son to love their hair as it is!
So, hopefully that woman keeps her eyes in her head if she sees us walking around!

Posted 18 Feb 2009 at 2:48 pm ¶
Tami Winfrey Harris wrote:

Eden,

You are correct that a lot of shampoos can be harsh for any hair. A lot of naturals I know have taken the advice of Lorraine Massey, author of “Curly Girl,” and “conditioner wash” rather than use shampoos. But the site didn’t make that distinction.

Posted 18 Feb 2009 at 2:52 pm ¶
Kandi wrote:

I came back to say what everyone else has already addressed. Harsh cleaning chemicals dry hair out and it is recommended that all hair types not shampoo daily, even with SLS-free shampoos, it can still damage your hair. Beauty companies have made millions with the ‘wash daily’ campaigns. Look at what it does to your hands after hand-washing dishes for days in a row. It’s not pretty.

Posted 19 Feb 2009 at 11:10 am ¶
Terrie wrote:

I read the “don’t wash too often” as a badly phrased warning against over shampooing. But that’s because I’m familiar with care of long hair. It does emphasize your point about no “special” hair care, just hair care, when their “advice” on black children’s hair looks to me like the same advice as for long white hair.

Posted 19 Feb 2009 at 11:52 am ¶
TM wrote:

Thanks for the great article, but don’t forget us fathers, Tami.

Do you know of any great websites for style ideas (natural or otherwise) and/or product recommendations?

Posted 19 Feb 2009 at 1:24 pm ¶
Shannon wrote:

I have to defend the “don’t wash too often” advice too. Perhaps the blogger put it badly, but I am sad to say I’ve seen a lot of black children with white parents whose hair and skin are so dry I am certain it’s because they are following typical white-baby protocol and bathing/hair washing closer to every day than not.

I wash my hair every-other day or it gets greasy. If I washed my daughter’s hair every-other day it would get so dry, I’m sure it would break.

Posted 19 Feb 2009 at 1:37 pm ¶
agibean wrote:

My biracial daughter’s hair is long nad wavy, it is not tightly curled like her father’s. It is, however, extremely dry, like her father’s and his siblings. It’s also so thick that even standing under the showerhead, the bottom layers stay dry unless we “lift and separate” it under the stream.

Not having any experience with such hair-I come from a family with thin and stringy stuff, I first as my husband, who said that black hair does tend to be dry (was he WRONG??) but said he’d never used specific shampoos. He (and his sisters concurred) said that it would be best to use a deep conditioner and not wash R’s hair too often (was he wrong there too??). And that’s what I’ve done.

Through trial and error, R and I (she’s 9 now and helps in this) have found the ideal number of days to go between washings (it’s changing as she hit puberty), the ideal shampoo and conditioner to keep those waves flowing and non-dry.

Far more than the washing issue, we’ve found that her hair being “white” in type has caused some hardships with her biracial and black friends who envy it, while at times she’s wanted “nappy” hair to look more like them.

I just go with the flow as best I can.

Posted 19 Feb 2009 at 1:57 pm ¶
Tami Winfrey Harris wrote:

TM,

When I went from straight to natural, I relied a lot on http://www.nappturality.com. The site has good articles, good product reviews, great forums.

Others,

I can’t find my link to the article in question so that I can quote the piece directly. I agree that daily shampooing is not advisable. (Actually, like a lot of natural heads, I don’t shampoo at all. When my hair was shorter, I conditioner washed daily; now, only once a week.) But I swear that is not what the article in question was talking about. I’ve spent the last hour trying to figure out where I saved that darned article…Grrrr. When I find it, I’ll share.

Posted 19 Feb 2009 at 1:57 pm ¶
Tami Winfrey Harris wrote:

Agibean,

I can’t tell if you’re honestly asking or being rhetorical, but I would say that your husband is right on both accounts. As I said in my post, black hair can tend to be dry and there is no need to use specialized products to care for it. I would also point out that while most black hair curls, textures can range from straight to tightly curled. Most folks fall somewhere in the middle.

Trial and error is usually what works, as it does for everyone. You find what works best and you stick with it.

Posted 19 Feb 2009 at 2:04 pm ¶
Kavita wrote:

I’m an Indian/American woman with a Black/Indian/American daughter, and we both have dreads. I’d love to see the look on Ms. Hair Envy if she ever saw us. Lol. But there will always be haters, and I’m happy to report that most of the comments my daughter and I get on our hair (from people of all races) are compliments. Oh, and for the record, at least in Newark and NYC, there are a ton a Black women who lock their children’s hair who don’t have dreads themselves.

Posted 19 Feb 2009 at 2:08 pm ¶
maria wrote:

tami, great post. i feel like a lot of people (of all races) treat natural black hair as this big Other, when it’s really just part of a continuum.

my stepdaughter is white, and she has naturally curly hair that will tangle itself into knots easily (something that frustrates her and sometimes makes her wish she had straight, smooth hair like some of her friends). when she is at our house, she is in the habit of combing conditioner through it in the shower with a wide-toothed comb, and then i usually braid it to keep it from tangling overnight. i don’t think this is much different than what children with natural black hair find themselves doing to maintain it.

everyone has his or her own variation based on what works for them, and people get to know their own kids’ hair–once i tried to braid my stepdaughter’s friend’s super-straight hair when she slept over, and i couldn’t make it work. i just wasn’t used it to it. i’m sure her mom is, though. my point is, i don’t think i’d be able to find a lot of advice on the challenges particular to straight, blond, northern-european hair. but it’s strange that when you throw a race other than white into the mix, hair care suddenly becomes intimidating.

Posted 19 Feb 2009 at 5:26 pm ¶
hsofia wrote:

What’s a real shame is that it is SO hard to find anyone – white, black, etc. who is willing to treat curly/kinky/nappy/etc. black hair with respect. It’s often treated like something that needs to be “tackled” instead of beautiful hair that needs to be cared for, just like any other type of hair. I’m still trying to teach myself that black hair is not a problem.

Posted 20 Feb 2009 at 4:19 am ¶
jen* wrote:

hsofia – You are SO right.

As a mixed girl with long, very curly hair, going to a hairdresser when I was 11 scarred me for life. For 2 hours, I listened to my hairdresser and everyone who walked by talk about how difficult my hair was, how much there was, how thick it was, how much trouble it was. My hairdresser was black.

To this day, I don’t trust anyone doing my hair but me and my sister.

Posted 20 Feb 2009 at 12:13 pm ¶
Elizabeth wrote:

Tami,
Great post. I always appreciate you talking about hair on ARP. I have learned from you and in fact watched the You Tube Videos you posted to learn some new styles. I love the styles I learned at: http://www.youtube.com/user/Katelynylyn

I understand what you are saying about the over generalization of black hair. Hair of all types is different. Both my interracial daughters have very different hair. I don’t use the same rules of wash and wear with them. And then when I am doing some dread lock maintenance on my husband’s hair that’s a whole other thing. It’s really important that sites/communities, especially those supporting transracially adopted children, do not perpetuate stereotypes.

Posted 20 Feb 2009 at 12:47 pm ¶
E.B. wrote:

Amen! This piece is wonderful. I’m abig proponent of the “no-poo”, and daily wet my hair and treat with conditioner and other moiturizing products. What I think is a key problem is that natural black hair really does seem to be “other”. Most places I go finding other women with black heritage without chemically treated hair is a challenge. Frankly I think many balck parents could use some re-education, as demonstrated by the ignorant comments referenced in the piece. I am seeing more and more women with locked hair and think there’s nothing wrong with children with locks. I’m hard pressed to find hair professionals that are well versed in caring for hair like mine (natural hair on a person of black heritage). White salons have no idea what they’re doing, and even salons who claim to serve natural black hair are full of weaves, perms, etc. I’ve even been told that to get a haircut I’d also have to pay them to blow my hair straight first! Overall I think it just takes experimentation and effort to figure out the best techniques for each individual child’s hair. Try different things. Ask question of people whose hair looks like your child’s. If it’s too uncomfortable for parents to do something as simple as this I have no idea how they’re going to successfully raise black children.

Posted 20 Feb 2009 at 2:32 pm ¶
Elizabeth wrote:

EB -so it was not normal that the hair stylist blew my daughter’s hair straight before cutting it. I thought it was strange, and then she cut it as if it were straight hair. It’s been hard to braid ever sense. Now I know. See how valuable these posts are? Thanks Tami.

Posted 20 Feb 2009 at 6:35 pm ¶
DWS wrote:

I’ve only been natural since August but http://www.nappturality.com has been very helpful for me.

It is my understanding that blow drying can cause heat damage so many naturals put their hair in twists and trim the ends themselves.

Posted 21 Feb 2009 at 12:29 pm ¶
Kristen wrote:

“This is another example, then, of why it is important for non-black parents of black children to have other black people in their lives.”

I would have to echo that this is not always the case. With my son’s hair, I was given advice from black social workers, parents at church, and barbers alike. The predominant feedback I was given reflected the adoptive mom’s advice on her website: 1) put a swim cap on it for bathtime, and 2) slather it with a “special product”. In fact, even today, when I take my son in to the barber, I am chastized if it is not greased up with one of the products they sell. Forgive me if I sound a bit defensive for the adoptive mom you quote, but I’m afraid that misinformation abounds in all communities. It can be very confusing for adoptive parents. I’m thankful for writers like yourself and other websites that have helped me clear the fact from the wive’s tale. My son’s hair is actually very simple to care for, but if I listened to all the advice I’ve bene given, it makes it way more complicated than it really is.

Oh, and his hair was locked for a few years and we got some similar comments to the other mom you quoted. It’s insane to me that a parent would get more judgement for locking than they would for relaxing . . .

Posted 21 Feb 2009 at 7:21 pm ¶
Sami wrote:

(First time to this site…)

I’m white, but my hair is thick, curly, and can even get a bit nappy in parts. I’m so very familiar with how hard it can be both to handle and get cut. I had one hairdresser who handled it perfectly – gorgeous cuts that held for three months at a time, just getting longer but still looking fantastic. When she left, I went through a genuine grieving process.

I haven’t had a haircut since she moved away. My hair is getting crazy long, but I just can’t face the search for a new hairdresser who can handle my hair.

Natural hairstyles on black women aren’t as much of a Thing here in Australia and I see plenty around – maybe I should stop a woman rocking some gorgeous natural black hair and ask her where she found someone who can do that.

My advice, though, for dealing with hair that seems to have a mind of its own (perhaps helpful to parents of biracial kids, at least):

- Never blow dry. It makes my hair frizzy as hell, and the neat straighter styling won’t last.

- Don’t wash too often, and for the love of God, never let shampoo touch your hair without being followed by some good, deep conditioner. Trying to drag a brush through wire wool is agony.

- The hair has opinions in the way it will curl, the way it will fall (or NOT fall), and these opinions must be respected, because you have other things to get done in a day, whereas the hair can spend alllll day fighting what you tried to make it do, because it doesn’t. Work with the hair, not against it.

- That said, if it’s annoying you, braid it back and ignore it. It’s much less stressful that way.

- If your child is anything like I was, they will often resent their hair. Both straight hair and fully “black” hair seem, to the thick-curls girl, to be easier to manage and look nice with. I can promise that it’s possible, eventually, to make peace with your hair, and that there’s a certain satisfaction to be had when you release your hair from the ponytail/braid constriction that keeps it curling in your face and being annoying and rock some curls for some event. People will be amazed your hair is so much more awesome than they imagined.

Posted 21 Feb 2009 at 10:09 pm ¶
Christina wrote:

Too much water can be drying?!?!? Surely they meant too much shampooing? And they limited the statement to black hair?!?! As any curly-headed person of any ethnic background can tell attest – you can wet curly hair every day if you want, it’s shampooing too often that’s the culprit.

Posted 22 Feb 2009 at 6:58 pm ¶
E.B. wrote:

Kristen- Interesting comment. Perhaps a testament to the desirability of having black people in your life who share your values. Some people value caring for black hair in it’s natural state, others value swinging ponytails!

Posted 25 Feb 2009 at 2:19 pm ¶
AKD wrote:

I recently discovered your site–thank you!! And thank you to all those who have commented on this particular post–it’s interesting and helpful to read people’s thoughts and opinions.

I am white and my daughter is black (adopted at birth). My daughter has gorgeous hair and she loves to wear it natural. It’s in great shape, and well taken care of. I do research, talk with my (black) friends, use natural products appropriate for her hair type (I love Blended Cutie and Carol’s Daughter), and have learned–through trial and error–what works and what doesn’t, for her hair.

What’s frustrating for me are the looks–and worse–that I have received (thankfully not often) from older black women. Some have even chastised me in public for not taking care of my child’s hair.

I’ve been told to “do her hair” which I take to mean braid it or the like, as maybe it looks unkempt. I do “do her hair” on occasion, but she likes it natural, and it looks great natural, not at all unkempt (and, it’s incredibly healthy).

I know that the color of your skin does not determine your ability to “do hair.” And I also know I’ll probably get comments–good and not so good–about my daughter’s hair for many years. I’m okay with that; I know I’m caring for it properly–and loving every minute of it!

Posted 25 Feb 2009 at 8:23 pm ¶
ZAB wrote:

Look. I am a black mother of two black daughters. I wear my hair natural. I’ve been chastised by older black women for not “doing my daughters’ hair.” They both wore “sisterlocks,” which I took care of – after training from the company.” Their hair was the envy of everyone, black or white. Now that they are young teenagers, they want straight hair. I had to go into therapy over this. The “black” therapist told me to just let it go and let them do what they wanted. It is very hard for me, but I am trying. I refuse to allow them to have a perm. One had to have a “texturizer” to just come it, because her hair is so long from the “sisterlocks.” The other has wavy hair, which wouldn’t lock properly in the first place. She is now crying for a “texturizer,” which I believe will make her hair fall out, since she swims at least two to three hours a day. I am struggling with this.

Posted 29 Apr 2009 at 10:26 am ¶
Milley Aalto wrote:

Hi there!

I am in process of contributing (I will not be paid) to a wonderful cause of creating a flyer that will help ethnic children in need of care to be placed in foster homes. Is this lovely picture of this little black girl a picture that you are able to give me rights to use and would you be able to do so without any cost? I appreciate you answering me as soon as you are able. Thank you!
Milley Aalto

Posted 15 Jul 2009 at 12:16 pm ¶
Leslie wrote:

I agree that we should be proud of our hair. Yes all we need is to encourage our children to love their hair. This is why I am glad the product Jelly Beary was created . It is 100% all natural for kids and you can get it on etsy. As long as we take the time to cherish the beauty of our locs so will others. Be blessed

Posted 31 Oct 2009 at 7:01 pm ¶
dajewel wrote:

hello,

i think you took the statement about black girls swinging their hair out of context. She is refering to girls like to swing their natural plaits. that is very true, as I always looked forward to swinging my freshly done plaits done by my mother. i cared less about Eurocentric hair partly because our hair was always normalized and praised for being thick, long, coily, curly and kinky.

I am a natural. I understand where that blogger was coming from when talking about locs because locing is a SERIOUS hair decision. Its a spiritual step, and once you loc, you cannot get your hair back unless you cut it off and start all over again. So, I understand locing a child is not the best decision unless the child expresses their say about it.

Posted 26 Nov 2009 at 12:52 pm ¶