Open thread

7 Responses to Open thread

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2. Violet says:

   February 26, 2009 at 12:22 pm

   I have to say, it is very difficult as a mother–a birth mother–and a woman of color to read this blog sometimes. I think there is an image that is perpetuated that birth families are all struggling with drug problems or are otherwise damaged goods. It’s been my experience that if you are Black or Latino, and a birth mother, you are considered a danger or a nuisance. If you are White, people assume that you were young and naive.

   My partner and I were college students–first generation–desperately trying to pay for school, books, and housing by ourselves. It hurts so much when people refer to as anything other than “real”. I put my child’s needs before my own, my family’s. I am a leaper in the adoption community and society as a whole.

   People need to know about the double standards in the adoption community for women of color. I am not the only one.
3. JennMomtoThree says:

   February 26, 2009 at 7:05 pm

   Hi, Violet–

   Although I haven’t been reading this blog for very long, I want to thank you for your post. I think it’s important for all families whose children are not biologically theirs to recognize and value the people who played an exceptionally important role, of being our children’s first families.

   Two of my three children’s birthmothers are African American, but we have every reason to believe that all three of the birthmoms took extremely good care of themselves and their babies while they were pregnant, and there is no indication that they behaved in risky or undesirable ways at any other time, either.

   Though I’m sure there are plenty of things we could do better than we do when discussing our kids’ birthmoms with them, we always try to let them know that we are certain they loved their babies, but just knew that having a baby in their life at that time, in the particular circumstances in which they found themselves, wasn’t the right choice.

   We as adoptive parents are certainly not the heroes in the story (though occasionally, other people like to act that way). Indeed, the heroes are birthmoms and birthdads like you, who made what you felt was the best possible decision under what are often less-than-ideal circumstances.

   Thank you.
4. irshlas says:

   February 26, 2009 at 11:09 pm

   Violet – not that you need my validation, so I apologize in advance if this is out of line… but thank you for sharing your voice here. Please speak loud and often. As an adoptive parent, I have much to learn. I know it’s not your place to educate me either. I’m just greatful for anything offered. This blog is a light in the darkness.
5. deesha says:

   February 27, 2009 at 12:12 am

   Violet:

   As an adoptive parent and as a black woman, who, along with my ex-husband, was once a first-generation college student who could easily have found ourselves in the exact circumstances as you and your partner–I am given pause by your words. I am humbled, and definitely hoping that I haven’t contributed, here or anywhere, to the misconceptions and hurt that you describe.

   People often assume that my daughter’s (black) birth mother was “young and naive”. I’ve never had anyone ask about drugs or her general character. But it is hard for people to believe that we are the same age (she might actually be a year older). When we were seeking to adopt, 99% of the women/couples who considered us were our age or older (early 30′s at the time).

   The “face” of the “typical” birth mother belies the reality that you embody–children are placed for adoption for all sorts of reasons by birth parent from a variety of circumstances, that don’t fit the stereotypes.

   Your words…that you feel like a leper in the adoption community and in society as a whole…made think about a birth mom blogger that I had the pleasure of meeting once at a conference on adoption and culture. I thought about Jenna not because she’s said she feels like a leper, but rather because her blog is so…rich and thoughtful.

   http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/

   I wish you all the best, and I thank you for saying how you felt, in this forum.

   ~Deesha
6. Perdita says:

   March 5, 2009 at 12:56 pm

   Violet–I so agree. I just posted a response to an interview on Babble.com with the fabled “adoption doctor” Jane Aronson, who repeated the exact same myth about domestic adoption you talk about. As an adoptive mother, I had a very good agency who really stressed that women pursue adoption for all sorts of reasons (and all valid)–and that there is no “typical” birth mother or adoption situation. We know that our son’s birthmother pursued adoption out of love and the greatest concern for his welfare, and we work every day to live up to her trust. I hope that the truth about domestic adoption gets out to the general public and even to “experts” like Dr. Aronson, dispelling these harmful and stereotypical myths.
7. MeKenly says:

   May 17, 2010 at 12:22 am

   I really like the first comment. I was adopted as a baby and II have given custody of my son to my parents so that I can finish college and give him the things he needs. I also want him to be able to go to private school and the three of us can afford it much easier. The schools around here aren’t good.