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In the previous open thread, I wrote about my biracial daughter’s irritation with the mostly white kids at her school being overly fascinated with her braided hair-and mostly not in a good way.
Yesterday I met a mother at her school who, thinking she was being complimentary, told me how pretty my daughter’s hair looked and a story about her friend who adopted a child from Africa.
The friend, for whatever reasons, basicaly did nothing to the little girl’s hair, letting it get all wild and messy because she had no idea what else to do. A black woman on the street stopped this person and insisted on taking her to a store which carried products for black hair and taught her the fundatmentals of braiding.
The mom speaking to me said, “And now that little girl always has the PRETTIEST hair! Just like your daughter!”
Yeah, but *I* didn’t wait until strangers felt compelled to save my child’s hair. What kind of person DOES that? Some people are so utterly clueless.
Oh I’ve had my share of having my classmates in elementary school wanting to touch my hair all the time. My mom never had a problem with doing hair and now can do hair just as well if not better than many of the black woman I know in my life. Some parents are just clueless at the camp ground we go to we saw an older woman with two black girls and the girls hair was cut so short that I mistook her for a boy at first I wanted so badly to introduce her to my mother, but I didn’t feel it was the right time or place to bring up her daughter’s hair and now looking back I really wish I did because those little girls hair looked so dry and boy short.
More ridiculous stereotyping:
http://www.tellyads.com/show_movie.php?filename=TA8737
Discovered through this post:
http://u-handbag.typepad.com/uhandblog/2009/04/an-open-letter-to-uncle-ben.html#comment-6a00d8341c574653ef01156f308136970c
It makes me so sad when I see that situation. A few months ago we saw another interracial family in Ikea with a white mom and an African or African-American dad (the reverse of our family). Their son had closely cut hair but the daughter’s hair was standing straight up, matted and completely uncared for. Both kids appeared to be otherwise clean and well groomed. I feel it is a sign of disrespect for the child to simply make no effort. Also it indicates that the child lives in a completely white world. There are no aunties, cousins, friends or neighbors to help? And I couldn’t help wondering what the father thought. I guess it isn’t right to just assume that hair stuff needs to be the job of the mom.
Last month, my ten-month-old son got his first racist remark. (“Cute chink baby” is not a compliment, random guy in the pharmacy!) And I realized I’ve never gotten beyond my own grade-school coping skills (basically, “try not to cry where the tormentors can see you”). I don’t know how to model or teach racism coping skills to my son because I don’t have any myself. Anyone have any recommendations for good books on this topic? I’ve been looking around, but I’m finding a lot more books designed for white kids and white parents than ones for brown people.
Today I’m frustrated at the lack of information about adoptive parents who are minorities who adopt asian children.
My son is not adopted but I’ve always wanted to adopt and would still like to. But as a black women I don’t really get the support and info I’m looking for when I join the adoption info groups.
So I try to internet and it’s even worse. Not alot of agencies support black/ethnic people who want to adopt internationally either. They try and encourage you to adopt “from your own community”. I don’t know where to get the support I’m looking for.
Thanks for letting me share my thought today.
What is on my mind is why is there never a gratitious cute kid pic of teenagers?
I love those pics that are shown…everyone has adorable children…. yet a part of me is also reminded of how children are viewed as cute and embraceable until they hit puberty.
My child is 3 and is cute, and at 13 he still is my baby, my sweetie, one of the many loves of my life, yet I’m waiting on when the world doesn’t see him as cute but as scary, especially since he is a Black child.
Plus seeing the photos makes me wonder if most of the parents here are parents of small children versus parents of the big bad teenagers
Good Karma,
I am Black woman from a Black family. I think that fathers genuinely think their baby girl’s hair is beautiful even when its all over the place. My dad used to relish touching my hair affectionately and rubbing it when it was loose and out, right before my mother began to part it and carefully braid it.
I think that alot of times men defer to their wife when it comes to the hairstyles their daughters and to a smaller degree sons have. I think that may factor in why many Black men I see parenting a biracial child with a White woman defers to what mama does with the hair. I have seen White men with White women do the same….defer to what mama wants the child’s hair to be.
Yet Black women who have biracial children with White men won’t let their child have hair all over the place, usually. I think it also has to do with a cultural push towards certain hairstyles that are usually decided on by the mama. Black mamas are more likely to favor more groomed hairstyles for their children than White mamas if the child is biracial…because of the cultural differences in how one is brought up about hair.
I’m the white adoptive mom of two Ethiopian kids and one bio kid. Today, I’ve been reading blogs from adult adoptees, and feeling more and more worried that all my good intentions and efforts might just not be enough. I’m frustrated, and concerned for my kids.
I have tremendous respect for my kids’ birth country and birth family. I honor their culture, and we talk fondly of our time there and our desire to go back. We are a military family, and don’t have the luxury of picking a more diverse area – we go where we’re stationed. Right now, we’re in a very white area, and it pains me for my oldest, who is in kindergarten.
All decent parents want to do right by their kids. I’m doing everything I know how, and what I keep hearing in the very real heartache of the adult adoptees is that none of it is enough to help my kids heal from the tremendous trauma that they experienced in childhood, both through their adoption itself, and growing up as transracial adoptees.
So now what?
Adrienne,
RE: Gratuitous cute kid pics. We post every photo we receive. We get so many, there can be a bit of a wait, though.
I suspect that many parents here are parents of younger children, but don’t worry, there are some changes in the works for ARP, including more content for parents of older children. Look forward to a survey in the next month that will allow you to share your thoughts.
Just wanted to say I’ve wondered the same thing as Adrienne.
A not-too-serious thought on why no teen photos-most teenagers would rather poke their eyes out than have their picture taken. My older kids acted like a switch was thrown the day they hit 13 and cameras became the devil. I don’t have many “cute kid” pics of them! You’ve got to catch them unaware.
Wanted to add that my husband has totally deferred to me on DD’s hair. BUT, he made it clear early on that he doesn’t like kids with unkempt hair, and it’s on their parents to fix it. He made sure his sisters would be willing to help me, and they always have. In fact, my sister-on-law is the one who suggested the braid place we go.
Jenn, thanks for your honesty. It’s scary and hard to hear what many adult adoptees have to say. Sometimes I think adoptive parents are expected to be saints in a way, and that we’re asked to do too much. But then I remind myself that I need to *listen*, that it’s an important learning experience for me, and essential to raising my son. But I also try to take it in manageable doses–I want to be ready and informed, but I also don’t want to predict what my son is going to feel before he’s felt it. I also don’t want my confidence as a parent to be so undermined that I can’t take any joy in his existence and in our lives together. Also, it’s helpful to remember that like all things Internet, there are the “silent” (i.e., non-blogging) ones out there–adult adoptees, some of whom I’ve met in person, who are relatively happy in their lives and childhoods. Yes, pain and loss is there, but so is joy and love.