by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Liz Dwyer; crossposted from Los Angelista’s Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness
Yesterday afternoon I found myself watching an episode of Oprah called the Secret Lives of Moms, and, 
honestly, I think I would’ve been better off sitting through an episode on how to avoid serial killers.
You see, I learned from watching this episode that “motherhood” in our modern age is mainly the enterprise of seemingly upper middle class to wealthy white women who are dissatisfied with their lot in life.
How do I know this? Because on this show, the three moms sitting in the studio next to Oprah were all white with blond hair, and they snarkily complained about everything.
Let me be clear, being white and blond is not, in itself a bad thing. Heck, one of my grandmothers was white and she (sometimes) had blond hair. But, are there not any Latina, Asian or black moms that are interesting enough to sit on stage to tell their motherhood stories? Native American moms? Filipino moms? Half black and half Irish moms? I mean, not a one on the stage! Not even a Beyonce-inspired sista rocking a lace front weave!
Instead, the couple of moms that had some additional pigment in their skin got to call in on Skype to share their tidbits about how motherhood kinda sucks.
Oh yes, I also learned from this show that after you become a mother, your life will suck because:
1) You will have to buy a minivan.
2) You’ll be surrounded by pee, poop and vomit at all times.
3) Your husband will never have sex with you again.
4) You will have to orchestrate mega birthday parties with reptiles because your five year-old likes reptiles.
5) You will lose all sense of self and your whole life will become about your child.
Hmm… first of all, if you don’t want to buy a minivan, don’t. No one says you have to tote your kids and all their friends all over town. And if you decide to do it, be GRATEFUL that you have the $ to buy one, because guess what, some people don’t have it like that. Some mothers WALK their kids everywhere because they can’t even afford a car.
Yeah, the whole, whining and complaining, “This isn’t what I thought my life would be,” and, “Being a mom is SOOO hard!” vibe of the show really got to me. I know it sounds so judgemental, but I was yelling at the TV, “You’re not a teenager anymore! Grow up!”
What good does it do me to sit around and think, “If I didn’t have you, I could have the cutest clothes and really fly shoes?” Am I really supposed to merely think of my kids through an opportunity-cost lens? Like, if I didn’t have them I could do and have x, y and z?
I remember when my first son was born, I was teaching in Compton and I had to go back to work after six weeks because I couldn’t afford to stay home any longer. Internally, I was an emotional wreck over it because my little boy was SO small, and I was pissed that I wasn’t married to some Swedish dude and living in, um, Sweden, so I could have decent maternity leave.
I bitched and complained about it for a little while, and then I realized that many moms of my students couldn’t even afford to stay home for six weeks! When I talked to them, I heard about how they had to go back to work a week AFTER they’d had a baby.
Why? Because they didn’t have jobs that had benefits or paid even a living wage. SO even if they could legally take time off, they could not do so financially.
I guess I could’ve still kept complaining, but it instead made me think about why is it that our society still disrespects mothers so much that we don’t get better maternity leave. I started thinking about how my slave ancestors didn’t have maternity leave either… and hey, at least my son would not be sold away to another plantation, so it can’t ALL be bad!
Yes, like the moms on Oprah, I’ve done some crazy parenting stuff. Like, I used to dress my kids in their clothes the night before so they’d be ready to go in the morning without me being stressed out. I never felt bad about that though. I always figured if someone else wanted to step up, come over here, and get my kids dressed for me, it was ALL good.
But to me, that’s not what being a mother is really about. Sure, that’s a part of it. But not the whole.
For me, being a mother is about developing my children’s social, emotional and spiritual capacities. It’s about teaching them values and virtues, and I’m not talking about the virtues of consumerism and materialism.
So, if you want to share a secret, tell me about how you’re secretly afraid you don’t know how to teach that because you’re not sure what you believe anymore.
Tell me you’re a racist your relatives are racist and you’re scared you’re going to raise your kids with the same attitudes.
Tell me how you’re dealing with being a single mom. Tell me how you manage to model gender equality in your household (or how you don’t), and how you don’t want to raise boys that think girls have to be servants, or raise girls that think they’re nothing without a man.
Telling me that motherhood is a collection of pee/poop/vomit stories? I’ll pass.
I know some folks love to write and talk about all that stuff and that’s their version of keeping it real, but seriously, I’ve never been into that. Overall, it just hasn’t feel dignified or seemly for me. I can deal with a kid vomiting on me. That’s easy. Trust me, I have a harder time dealing with the Los Angeles Unified School District.
But hey, what do I know? Dooce does the pee/poop/vomit thing and she’s making major moolah off of her blog! Maybe I should give such a thing a try and watch the dollars roll in.
I just think this show, on so many levels, could have been so much more than it was. (Hey, Oprah, you can call me if you want me to sit next to you and talk about this stuff!)
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In a way, there is a valuable lesson conveyed in shows like that — directed at high school girls who are obsessed with the idea of being a mommy and having a cute little baby. They need to know there’s far more bodily waste and screaming-all-night moments than there are times when you get to show off your little angel to strangers.
But I also agree that having the upper crust complain about things is not really the best way to go about showing people the reality of parenting. Stay-at-home mothers have the EASIEST time parenting, despite not having a daycare to change diapers during the day. Moms working outside the home still have to deal with mom issues, but also worry about work, and worry about whether they’re being a “good enough” mother, and I know first-hand that tears you up inside.
My cousin went back to work two weeks after having her child, and she’d had a C-section and then caught pneumonia while in the hospital. With her husband out of work, what other choice did she have? And she’s putting off finishing her last semester of college as a result. That’s a reality worth knowing about. Mini-vans… boo-frickin’-hoo.
This is precisely why I don’t watch that new ABC show “In the Motherhood,” because all it’s about is the same old tired pee/poop/vomit thing and not a face of color among the cast.
I do, however, read Dooce. She has touched on a lot more than the typical motherhood party line.
“For me, being a mother is about developing my children’s social, emotional and spiritual capacities. It’s about teaching them values and virtues, and I’m not talking about the virtues of consumerism and materialism.”
Exactly. This is why I read this blog. I’m a white woman raising a white daughter in a state that’s 97% white (NOT the state I grew up in). I’m terrified that there’s no possible way for her to grow up living here without seeing people of color as the mysterious Other.
I can read her books about characters from every cultural background, give her dolls with skin in every shade of brown. tan, and pink, have open talks about racism and other forms of prejudice… but can anything substitute for the fact that every single person she sees on the street is the same color she is?
I’m secretly afraid that my daughter will get the message that it’s ok for a husband to neglect and ignore his wife and that that message will be louder than having a father in the first place.
Those moms probably have never experienced what you have. They’re probably only experienced each other. I myself didn’t even know that people in the US only had 6 weeks. I figured that since we (technically) had 1 year in Canada, that you guys must have it too. It was only when I started talking to my relatives that I saw differently.
I think Oprah is about that bubble and maintaining that bubble. They probably only socialize with people in similar situations and don’t try to look outside that. That’s her market. That’s why I don’t watch her. Her show is irritating and narrow to me.
Say it Again!!!
What a great post – living in the Caribbean, there’s a whole other scene where motherhood is concerned: real problems, but we see a lot of this kind of whining at the $-cost of kids too. I hardly watch Oprah anymore because of things like this, it seems so much out of touch with reality, the reality we’d all benefit from hearing about.
Great post.
Brilliant. I could not have said it any better.
Kids are at all times difficult, awe inspiring, interesting, loving, caring, messy, adoring, and a miracle!
Thank you!
Now YOU are the kind of mother I can roll with! Dooce and her whole “It’s hard to be a middle-class housewife” rap makes me want to stick pins in my eyes. That whole Mommy Brigade is not for me.
Yet in my blog when I get deep and try to talk about how to avoid sexist and classist messaging found in an FAO Schwartz $150 toy maid’s cart, I get flack for being elitist or overthinking such a simple issue. I guess I should have written more about poop.
There is so much more involved in motherhood than minivans (will never get one), and orifice emission stories. There is a gravitas inherent in recognizing how you are shaping this little person’s future…especially when your own parents didn’t do such a good job in shaping you.
Count me as a person immune to the Cult of Dooce.
Great piece!
This is one terrific post. Those same things where running through my head when I saw that show. I mean honestly, how removed from the reality of every day Mom’s are these women? I know Oprah is not a Mom but this is a woman with a lot of common sense. What happened?
I hope Oprah books you for her next show!
I didn’t even see the show and I agree with your analysis that it sounds like a waste of time. You know what makes me mad? I’m white & sometimes blonde, (not upper class though it would be nice, sigh) and NOT like that at all. My sister is white/blonde/upper class and she’s NOT like that either. I too would have preferred a real dialogue from a mothers in a range of situations. Seems to me the casting for this show had a preset mindset on a “type” of mother it wanted to portray, maybe they thought this shallow look would be “fun”. Could it be that Oprah, not having chosen motherhood (no judgement or criticism of her decision in any way implied here) was more comfortable with or preferred this superficial “take” on the topic? Oprah is well known for her empathy but she’s not an expert on everything, perhaps her instincts failed her here. Or maybe it was just supposed to be lighthearted fluff entertainment and we expected too much. Honestly though, even as fluff it seems to have failed at least some of us and I think that’s a good thing, that you/we don’t buy into it.
OMG! I had Oprah on when this show aired. I was yelling at it as well just before I turned off the TV. I could not STAND to listen to these women and their pettiness!
DH and I dealt with infertility and then adopted transracially. Words cannot begin to express the pain a woman feels when she wants to be a mom but cannot.
I was ecstatic to buy our min-van (and grateful we could afford it).
I still work full-time, but have a flexible schedule– I happily go into work very early so I can have the afternoon off to spend with my little girl.
I was very surprised that Oprah went with the theme for this show– talk about superficial!
Amazing post! I was feeling the same way when I watched that episode of Oprah. Thanks for putting this out there.
Well said. Thank you.
This is a very interesting post.
I know one of the women who skyped in “real life” and she has a lot to bring to the table that I wish could have been talked about more.
As for the pee/poop mom-bloggers, I have mixed feelings on that. One, I think that being a mom is frustrating at times and it is amazing to have a place to vent. On the other hand, I think that most of the moms in that genre tend to be white women (at least the ones who get the attention) who rarely post ANYTHING dealing with their own privilege, while they are quick to go off on gender issues. It frustrates me.
And I read Dooce, enjoy it, and I will say she writes some political posts and given her readership I cannot fathom the hate mail she gets, so I respect that she still isn’t afraid to speak her mind. But is she the only voice that represents the whole of mom-blogs? God I hope not.
Overall, (and I think this is partially what the post gets at) the discourse on mom-bloggers is incredibly disappointing. Like any other movement related to gender and motherhood, the focus has been reduced to basically nothing but the concerns of white middle class women. The Oprah episode high lighted that in the most unfortunate of ways.
I’m scared that as a as an adoptive mother of a child who is a different race then I am, I will fail my child when it comes to having him/her experience and truly know their own culture.
That’s what I think of whenever my friends complain about how bored they are staying at home, how sick they are of the poop or puke, or how much they miss going to places they use to go before motherhood. Seems a little shallow in comparison.
I never felt bad about that though. I always figured if someone else wanted to step up, come over here, and get my kids dressed for me, it was ALL good.
For real!
Applauding this whole entire post.
I think I got “over” these kinds of meditations on motherhood because my kids are older now and because as they got older, I decided to stop being neurotic about motherhood, and just…write and be the best mom that I can. It’s hard, but I don’t feel much like talking (or writing) about all the minutiae and woe-is-me stuff.
What I deal with now is specific to our situation as an adoptive family and one of divorce (with pending remarriages). That’s not about motherhood…it’s about coping and loss and grief and change and learning and hurt and anger and patience and… All stuff that comes with the territory of motherhood, but isn’t unique to it. Those are the areas where my “secret” fears live.
Remembering that many, many women all over the world mother under circumstances way harder than I do has definitely helped me get my face out of my navel.
Omg, THANK YOU for articulating my feelings about that Oprah episode. I was ranting and raving all night about how ridiculous it was. I seriously think you should send a link to this post to Oprah, so they can have you on a follow-up show, or better still, an entirely different show that focuses on what the REAL struggles of parenting are.
Here’s a (presumably) upper-middle class white mom who’s tired of more than puke and poop…
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30344675/?GT1=43001
The whole episode is sad, but I find it particularly disturbing that the two children didn’t cling to each other in the aftermath.
I’m worried that my two biracial children will feel like they have to ‘choose a side’ when they get to be school-aged. I’m worried that we won’t do a good enough job teaching them what it means to be multi-cultured. I worry that they’ll be picked on for being different and that I won’t know how to approach or handle it.
Glad I missed the Oprah show.
Have to say that dooce tackles the very tough subject of depression more than poop or pee. You might want to give her blog another try.
Stay-at-home mothers have the EASIEST time parenting, despite not having a daycare to change diapers during the day. Moms working outside the home still have to deal with mom issues, but also worry about work, and worry about whether they’re being a “good enough” mother, and I know first-hand that tears you up inside.
Not all SAHM choose to stay at home. Sometimes finances dictate that mothers stay at home. I wish that we had the buffer of a second income. When my husband got fired from his job (and it wasn’t a high paying job, either – he is a first year apprentice in a trade union), it would have meant that we had at least one income. But I’m a former teen mother who never finished school; when my husband has work, we don’t qualify for a childcare subsidy and I can’t afford to work. So I worry about money. I worry about my partner’s work. I worry about whether I’m a “good enough” mama too, because I have a lot of problem providing everything my kid needs.
No one ever wins the mama wars.
I adore this post. Could not agree more. Thanks so much for sharing.
speaking of the 6 weeks thing… is there some organization that I could join that would fight for better support of new mothers or fathers? I.E longer leave, subsidized day cares and like such.
or something like that… anybody?
I was one of the moms who Skyped in–the half-black one. It has been fascinating to hear the many different perspectives and reactions to the show. The women on stage were co-authors of the featured book, and an actress from a related television show. I sincerely doubt they were part of a master plan to keep brunettes off stage.
It seems like it would be impossible to learn enough about any of the moms within that 60 minutes to deliver an accurate judgement about our backgrounds, our circumstances or our intentions.
I certainly didn’t come away thinking that the other moms wanted to trade their kids in for a chance to sleep late…at least not forever.!:) Mommyblogs, book clubs, Bunco nights, Scrapbooking and other mommy gatherings virtual or otherwise are like a giant watercooler conversation for people who “work” at parenting. I believe The Secret Lives of Moms was also.
I enjoy your writing and wish you the best!
Heija Nunn
I saw that episode and I wanted to PUKE!
I mean I don’t have kids, but I was so disheartened by all the negativity.
I can only imagine how tough it is to be a mom, but at the same time can we please look at the good sides of it too?
Great post! Thanks!
No one ever wins the mama wars.
Amen!
thank you so much for this post. my daughter is only 5 and 1/2 weeks old and it is exactly what i needed right now.
I’m scared that she will always be looking for a father figure because she doesn’t have one. I’m scared that I won’t be able to teach her good enough spanish. I’m scared I won’t even try. I’m scared to let her interact with men, even male teachers, family members or community members. I’m scared that she will feel as if she was adpoted growing up around my white family. I’m scared that they are subtly racist (like in their pronunciations of words in spanish) and I’m scared that she will be damaged by this.
wow, I need to write more! thanks for getting me going.
Stay-at-home mothers have the EASIEST time parenting
Wow – did you really say that? I get the ripping of the whining moms on the Oprah show, but what’s up with that hateful nonsense?
Dear Liz,
It indeed looks as though you struck a chord with real Moms. I like that some of theses Moms answered the question What are you afraid of. I would like to see you write more about this. There is a real world, real problems that didn;t get addressed by Oprahs show and it alienates most Moms. I was struck that this woman makes aliving ding this. Perhaps you can find a way to do this but with the level af conversation written on this blog, the real concerns. Like raising a child in this broken society who has self love, and love for others. Why not sleak of how gratful we are to have our children, gratful when violence misses our household, when you get a child straight through highschool to college, surviving divorce, strategies for fighting racism. There are real problems and issues. You could talk about that stuff. Shelley
I just don’t watch these shows because frankly, it’s not real. I don’t find that any of it pertains to my life, my friends. It’s such a waste of time.
ok N, please. I’ve owned businesses, I’ve worked in the corporate world, I’m now a SAHM and I would hesitate to say that any of it is easier then the next. Let’s please stay away from grouping and just be honest. No matter what your “position” is outside of being a mom, being a mom is hard but there are many pluses too. But please, don’t make a blanket statement like you’ve done. It’s stereotyping people and isn’t that what we are trying to avoid by being a part of this group?
Lisadiana,
Point of clarification, N was quoting Erica who made the statement about SAHMs having it easiest.
I’m glad I missed the show, but the post-mortem has been fascinating. The world does need to hear mothers’ stories, including the hard ones that are uncomfortable for the world to hear. It seems that no one is happy with how motherhood was portrayed, including middle-class white women.
It sounds like the show was very superficial, but let’s not be quick to say that the subjects themselves are superficial. The questions and editting can really make a false impression. Just as we’d hope that if there were three black guests that the (white) audience wouldn’t assume that they speak for all black mothers, the same holds for any three white guests that the show _selected_.
I understand that the show did actively select “middle America,” rejecting, for example, Rebecca Woolf, who first became a mother at 23 through an unplanned pregnancy and has blogged/written extensively about not fitting into society’s tidy little mould of a smiling mother. See her post “The Wrong Fit” about the episode in question. http://www.girlsgonechild.net/2009/04/wrong-fit.html.
As for all the complaining, well, some people deal with adversity through humour – hence the poop stories, I suppose. It’s really not up to us to decide how others tell their stories. It’s too bad the show played this note too often.
A little cynicism: Who chose the guests: advertisers?
I do wish that more white people, especially not-poor white people, understood and acknowledged the depth of their priviledge but… As to the idea of people not being entitled to complain because of their priviledge, well, then almost nobody is entitled to complain unless they are starving, endentured laborours in a war-torn country.
Hey, limbolandlala, here’s a group that fights for better support of parents: http://www.momsrising.org/
I’m coming to this late, but I am amused by the SAHMs have it easiest comment. I am a SAHM of multiracial twin boys and am definitely not upper middle class, although I am white. My “mom” friends range from other SAHMs, to self-employed women, to part-time workers, to full-time workers, to corporate ladder-climbers. We all do what works for us, get together for fun and support, and no one has ever commented on how one group has it “easier”. In fact, a number of the working moms I know have asked me how on earth I stay at home and do the kid thing all day every day. They freely admit that, to them, it would be torture, regardless of how much they love their kids. I guess what I am trying to get at is that we are all trying to do what is best for our families and we all make choices with that in mind. And those choices change with circumstance. Today’s SAHM may well end up going into the workforce in a month or a year and it will be a different kind of easy and a different kind of hard. Today’s working mom (or dad) may get laid off and find that it works better to stay at home for a while. I can’t judge a life I’m not living. Maybe we should all tell the mommy war disseminators to go fly a kite and turn our energies toward demanding better support for parents from business and government.
Coming to this conversation late, but I so agree with the poster’s comments. And just wanted to put it out there that there is a new anthology out called:
Who’s Your Mama?: The Unsung Voices of Women and Mothers edited by Yvonne Bynoe with a forward by Rebecca Walker.
It completely addresses the comments here that say when talking about motherhood we never hear from the non-white, non-upper class mommies. Essays discuss multiracial parenting, lesbian adoption, miscarriage, not having kids by choice, mothering in poverty etc.
Check it out.
WOW – thank you for the great post. I am most struck by this:
So, if you want to share a secret, tell me about how you’re secretly afraid you don’t know how to teach that because you’re not sure what you believe anymore.
Wow is that ever me right now! And to add to the challenge – my son will be 19 in a few weeks and my daughter is 10 months old! Yes – 18 YEARS difference – what a different person we become over the years.
If I admit to being a middle-class white woman who had my son as an unwed teenager and spent the last 16 years in varying positions in the workforce and only recently realized things like racism and white privilege actually DO exist (long story – different post, I’m sure) – how do I ensure my son learns what I am learning? How do I teach my daughter things I don’t even understand yet?
Amazing – really – I would watch a show about real subjects and issues like this!
Oprah is about the sound bite and the lowest level of analysis. All her shows reduce complex issues to a few simple concepts. I did not see the show. Glad I didn’t. So sick of the “it’s so hard” discussion. Give me practical solutions and timesavers not bitching and pity parties. (love the put them to bed dressed idea).
And if your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you maybe you need to look at your relationship. what do you bring to the table? stop talking about the kids non-stop. shower and put some makeup on. hire a sitter or leave the kids with a friend. spend time with your spouse/partner and remember what the hell inspired you to make those babies in the first place!
Everything in life takes work, parenting, marriage, etc. A lot of these women have had a lot handed to them in life and are shocked when suddenly something is hard and no one is there to fix it. It’s called being a grown-up. Get used to it!
Oprah has no kids so has no frame of reference for what a pathetic gatheirng this was (from the descriptions above. again i did not see it). But someone on her staff should have spotted this. And I am always surprised that as a woman of color, she is not constantly on the lookout to diversify her guest panel. Oprah, hire me as your diversity coordinator!
AMEN.
So, so SO much to say… but the bottom line is that childbearing is a class (and by extension) race issue. How there can be so much motherhood attention nowadays and none on that big elephant in the corner MAKES ME NUTS.
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Goddess, yes! You rock! I am so very very very tired of the Rosins and Belkins and Warners of this world moaning about their dislike of breastfeeding, playgrounds, their privileged lives.
If you can live roughly how you want to live, do it and don’t complain! Maybe ask for some help or vent to friends. But don’t go whine about your petty troubles on Oprah or the Atlantic or the New York Times because you’re stuck in high school drama queen mode.
I had to write because I too sat looking at that TV screen with my mouth hanging open. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Well, I guess I could. Somehow it has become fashionable to be the “it’s so hard to be a mom” Mom. My son goes to preschool with children of such moms. I see it every day and think to myself ,”you have no idea what hard is.” Let me tell you there are a lot of white moms out there who don’t have that type of life. We work full time because we have to. We don’t have nannies or baby-sitters and if we’re lucky we have a relative nearby who can help every once in a while. Or we don’t. We would love to have our husband around to do nothing, but sometimes life is challenging and takes them away before your child is 14 months old. I work while my son is in school, then pick him up – thrilled to get to do all of those horrible “mom things” that everyone is bitching about. Then I put my son to bed and work from home. I basically haven’t slept in four years. But every day I do my best to show my child that the most important things in life are people, and though we don’t have the latest toys, clothes or minivan, we are blessed. It is easy to become self-obsessed with our own situations, and when I feel myself slipping into a “feeling-sorry-for-myself” phase, I look at my son and I’m grateful. And I remind myself that at least I’m not a Mom in Darfur. There is always someone who has it worse than you. Being a Mom is hard, and it has shown me that I can be stronger than I ever thought possible. And I’m not talking about dealing with poop and vomit.
Ever since I became a mom and saw how all consuming a kid was I have a higher opinion how tough motherhood can be. I don’t think SAHM have it any easier. Staying home for maternity leave and taking care of my daughter was much harder than working at the office.
These moms or Oprah don’t know how much your life can suck. My grandmother had to raise 9 children by herself after my grandpa died in a traffic accident. She was able to put all of them through college (most of them went to medical or nursing school) despite her having only a highschool education. How’s that for having it hard.
Your view, quite appealing at first glance is narrow. Sure there are people worse off in the world, but it’s this very eagerness to accept few vacations days and 6 weeks of maternity leave that makes things the way they are. There’s this sense of stupid pride that by doing that there will be a big reward waiting somewhere sometime. It’s just lost time with family and ruined health.
You’re also trapped by the busy super mom, highly career minded woman thinking. Just because you didn’t have to feel anything else than being tired, doesn’t mean that SAHM do not feel what they feel. And I can tell you that feeling confused about who one is can really mess with the mind. Especially in a society where who one is is what one does for a living.
I have no children and I haven’t watched Oprah’s show, I just saw a clip on some E! program making fun of it.
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