written by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Tiffany Pridgen
Until recently I didn’t consider myself to be much of an activist. I’m pretty even-keeled when it comes to most things. I’m not political. I’m not radical. I play my cards fairly close to my chest.
Then something happened and changed my mind. I realized that I’m a different kind of activist. I’m not the kind that carries signs or makes speeches. I don’t demand that people shut up and listen. I don’t suggest that I’m an authority.
I’m the kind of activist who makes gentle statements in everyday conversation.
Sometimes I hear or read some parent expressing concern about something that happened to them that put a blip on their racism radar. They’re not sure if it was really racism, or if it was just hypersensitivity on their part. Inevitably, someone (who has never been in the situation of the person initiating the conversation) chimes in and tells them they’re overreacting and that they’re reading too much between the lines.
Generally I stand back and let things resolve on their own: I give people a chance to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and imagine how they would feel in a situation. Sometimes they never get there. They think inside the box too much and allow their own limited experiences on a subject to cloud their judgment of what happened to another person (much like how people downplay your medical concerns telling you that “You’ll be all right” when in reality you have a ticking time bomb inside). Then I interject.
I don’t get confrontational. I try to explain, the best I can, and as generically as I can, that asking people to ignore history is impossible. If a situation occurs to make a person uncomfortable it’s because they have knowledge that is aligned with their survival instincts that they tap into whenever they feel threatened. My instincts tell me that if a stranger reaches a hand out to touch my son without my permission I should draw him back for his safety. But, there are also instincts that tell us to protect ourselves from hurtful words and intentions. Those are bit more difficult to draw back from.
Sometimes, only the person who commits an act or makes a statement can verify if it was intended to be racist (if they’re even conscious of it themselves). However, attempting to extinguish conversation about whether or not an event qualifies as racism is a disservice to us all. Killing the talk prevents people from becoming enlightened that subtle acts of racism (e.g. back-handed compliments about appearance, language, behavior, etc.) are just as insidious as the ones that are out in the open, and if left unfettered can erode our trust in each other.
We’re all responsible for educating each other about what we find to be insensitive and doing our best to explain why. The extra education is important for people who would say that worries are groundless and that we needn’t fear because “That’s not what racism looks like.”
Those who choose to listen will not be so quick to dismiss the conversation the next time they find themselves in a discussion that begins with “Is this racist?” They may even become activists themselves.
Tiffany Pridgen is the mistress of snarkymomma.com: a blog where she recounts daily the joys and frustrations of being a modern momma. She lives in Durham, NC with her son and husband.
I personally find it tiring to have to educate White folks or to take on that role. I find it easier to respond in ways that protect my child’s self esteem, especially if he hears something said that is racist. I do think that a parent is entitled to feel and state that something upsets them if it is offensive and said around their child. White parents have the luxury of getting upset if someone makes a comment that is hurtful or damaging to their child’s self esteem.
I find myself resigning from the role of being the “educator of White folks” and taking on the role of educating and protecting my child, and helping him have a healthy self identity.
I feel that is more important than tip-toeing over the feelings of White folks who said something racist. My response to them is the same as my response would be to any other situation that’s offensive, that may not have anything to do with racism. If we are truly peers, then we will treat each other as such, versus treating a person or group of people as if they are fragile or need to be protected, somehow.
I think that we all have the freedom to respond to something that’s poisonous in a way that we are okay with, including being okay with the end-results of our responses and ultimately that is all that matters.
If you are okay with how you handle racism, then more power to you.
I forgot to add that a good barometer of whether a person is falling into the “protect White people’s feelings” or “avoid seeming like the angry Black person” trap is if your response, tone of voice, choice of words are the same as if you were dealing with a foul sexist remark, or a remark made that is demeaning to people with a disability.
I think it would be helpful for all of us (myself included! I am not exempt!) to examine whether there is a difference in how we respond to other forms of ugliness in how humans talk about and treat each other. Are we protective of the offender’s feelings in other situations of ugliness?
I really liked this post. I have a very non-confrontational personality so this is the type of activist that I tend to be as well. In the last couple of years I have found similar results when I point out racism to others – they either refuse to see it or they really appreciate it being pointed out to them and want to become more educated and aware of it. I think that a lot of us do/say insensitive things to people whose situation we don’t relate to, and most of us really appreciate it when someone points out to us the insensitivity of what we are doing from another perspective so that we can re-think what it is we are doing/saying. I think that a lot of the time racism is not a conscious act, so just by pointing it out, having a conversation, we can make a real difference.
Tiffany,
I appreciate this post, because it reminds me that activism doesn’t just have to have one kind of face. I do believe that the majority of people are of the non-confrontational variety, and even people who are fairly direct (and I am in that camp) often pick our battles, either out of fatigue (seriously, if I got angry and screamed every time someone asked me “What am I?” or “What nationality are you?” I’d probably be hoarse by now) or trying to figure out if this is an “educational or safe moment” (in a bar full of men who are using sexist or homophobic language? Odds are I’m going to let it slide, unless I know one of these men. But a random group of men making homophobic jokes in a bar where I am outnumbered? No way.)
Although I also think that “A” has a point in her second post. In the imaginary scenario above, in a bar full of men (and lets just make them white men and say that this is a bar that is predominantly full of white men) would I be more likely to confront them if they used a racist slur, especially if it was a racist slur against Asians? My gut says yes. That despite the warning signals of “Dude, this could be dangerous” I would step up and speak truth to power (so to speak and perhaps quite literally). But would I do that if they were making racial slurs against Latinos or African Americans? Would I do this if they were making sexist remarks or homophobic jokes? I think I’m more likely to confront the racism than the sexism/homophobia–which is a wake-up call TO ME that I need to re-examine what hits my own radar and when I’m willing to say something. Although I will say that in more private settings, I’d probably address all of the above.
A, I never insinuated that we need to tip-toe over anyone’s feelings. In fact, I think that people “in the know” sometimes forget that not everyone has the same level of knowledge about an issue. To me it seems that the cultural issues many people my age are most insensitive about are ones that aren’t taught in history lessons at school. While having to explain to people things that seem like innate knowledge to me can be tiresome, I have to stop and ask myself “Where would they learn it if I don’t tell them?”
A lot of my own understanding of other groups has come from moms like me who took time to explain their customs (e.g. Muslim moms regarding head covering, dress, diet, etc.). They’ve broadened my reverence for their traditions and given me good knowledge about how not to unintentionally disrespect them.
Oh, and don’t get me wrong – I believe there are situations where are more direct, pointed approach is necessary (if it is safe to respond at all). I’m really referring more to situations where you’re in fairly benign surroundings, perhaps with people you know casually, and someone says something that indicates how naive they are.
Or perhaps you’re in line at the bank and someone turns to you and makes some back-handed compliment (maybe about how pretty your “brown skin” is at which you could respond, “Thanks, but I think my skin is nice for all colors.”). Those situations don’t require much energy on our part and are easy to educate in.
Tiffany,
To be fair, I’m not accusing you of tiptoeing over people’s feelings. I was using your post to bring up a hidden point I should have been more clear on.
Some people plain do not want to hear another person’s kind explaination for something.
I find that many people want to learn and are open to that, and some people just do not want to hear an explaination when they’re in social situations or mundane situations like waiting in line at a bank.
I recently had a woman tell me about a horrible day at work. She is getting her masters degree in psychology and works with children who have emotional issues. There was a new psychologist on staff who cracked a racist joke and then told her to “dance, monkey” and all the Black children in the group gasped loudly.
Situations like this I have experienced where the person doesn’t want to learn when you explain, but are quick to apologize when those in authority (their boss, their bosses boss) finds out about it and threaten to fire them.
There is a difference between not knowing and plain not caring.