Open thread

16 Responses to Open thread

1. mama d says:

   May 28, 2009 at 8:18 am

   This week, our school held its annual “International Night” potluck + cultural activities. One of the mothers, who we’ve had issues with in the past, came up to us as we were entering the party and offered “do your kids want some American food, chicken nuggets and stuff, before we go in?” Mind you, my family is Swedish-American, German, and Chinese. We laughed it off and it was a nice teaching moment over our plates mounded high with all the phenomenal offerings. But, seriously, ugh.
2. Montclair Mommy says:

   May 28, 2009 at 12:11 pm

   Does anyone else feel uneasy about the talk of the NY terrorists (AA men) and the men who murdered Halimi in France? I think those are terrible crimes, but the articles about them seem to point out the races of these men more frequently than necessary. And all of the comments are n word this and n word that…it concerns me that, once again, we are focusing on race when its hate we should be focusing on.
3. Jennifer says:

   May 29, 2009 at 4:59 pm

   Our adopted bi-racial daughter is turning three in two weeks. She’s started to mention the differences in our skin color. “Mommy, you’re pinky and I’m brown.” Then it was, “Mommy, you’re white and Daddy is white and I’m brown.” (I liked “pinky” better). I’ve been answering with, “That’s right, my skin is pink and your skin is beautiful brown.” But every time it comes up, I get a little panicky. Why? I don’t know. I thought I was ready for the “why are you white and I’m brown?” question. I guess it’s coming earlier than I thought.
   And then we were showing her pictures of herself from when she was an infant, when she was still in foster care, and the photo showed her with another foster child, who was a much darker-skinned African American girl. Our daughter pointed to the other girl and said, “that’s me.” I pointed to my infant daughter’s picture and said, “No, that’s you.” She said, “No, I’m the brown one.” After a few more tries at convincing her which photo was really her, I gave up. I keep telling myself not to freak out. I am glad we took all the adoption classes about race, but now I feel like I’m hyper-sensitive to the subject. She’s convinced of a lot of things that aren’t correct — is it really so important that, at that moment, when we were looking at photographs, she thought she was the other girl? Do I have to read deeper meaning into that?
4. JustWannaKnow says:

   June 1, 2009 at 1:19 am

   I’ve always been embarrassed to ask this question, but I’d really just like to know the answer. I know ‘cracker’ is a derogatory term describing whites. Would someone please explain it to me? Thanks.
5. Angela Riccio says:

   June 1, 2009 at 8:22 am

   Jennifer,

   Please try and take the context of your daughter’s statements in accordance with her development. She is only 3 years old and is simply noticing differences that all children her age notice. My daughter, who is 4, made similar kind of statements ( she is white and her older brother is biracial) about herself and the world around her. I remember my son doing the same, such as why do girls sit to make a pee-pee and boys stand? My daughter insists she IS a princess. Do not attempt to correct her or else! LOL

   Your over sensitivity is very likely something she will pick-up on and this may make her feel self-conscious when she need not feel so (particularly not yet.) A child this young does not have concrete thinking as we do and likely has no negative associations with the color of her skin vs. your skin.

   Allow her to merely be a 3 year-old and I would look for a good book on child psychology to help you better understand each of the wonderful stages of her emotional and physical development. I really like T. Berry Brazelton’s, Touch Points (although I do not believe it addresses and specific points about racial identity).

   Relax and enjoy her.

   AR
6. Cassie says:

   June 1, 2009 at 5:11 pm

   Ok, so the time has come…my oldest daughter is truning 5 next month and she is interested in a dollhouse and barbie type dolls. As a biracial family, I cringe at the thought of bringing barbies into the house. The bratz dolls are too “grown” for my taste. I have been checking out the Only Hearts Club dolls, there are 2 (what they classify as) African Americans, 1 Asian American, 1 Hispanic American, and 4 Caucasians in their collection. I am wondering what everyone else thinks about these particular dolls. I have also been looking at the Ryan’s families of dolls because they are families and not just girls.

   If anyone knows of another option offering an ethnically diverse collection of “barbie sized” dolls for my daughters, I’ll take suggestions! I do not want barbies or bratz in my house!!
7. Lyonside says:

   June 1, 2009 at 9:50 pm

   Cassie – they’re a little larger than Barbies (maybe 18″?) but I’m a huge fan of the Groovy Girls collection. They’re ethnically diverse (as in, even the darker brown dolls have SHADES, not just one monolithic color), they have soft bodies and yarn hair, and while they have fashionable style, the clothes don’t come all the way off and the dolls are definitely covered.

   Main problem is that they’re all girls, no families, no boys.

   I got my daughter some on sale at BBRUs (the only ones left were the darker ones… and oh yes, I read into that one… grrr). And I’ve also seen them at Target.
8. dersk says:

   June 2, 2009 at 9:49 am

   @JustWannaKnow – Google is your friend. Search “etymology cracker” and you’ll find all you need. Basically, it sems that nobody knows for sure, but it probably dates back to the 15th century when a cracker was someone who boasted a lot. Evidently, it referred to a big group of outlaws who operated in the South.

   @Jennifer – I think you are being a bit hypersensitive, given that the kid’s 3. I’d take it even further and say that I see a lot of hypersensitivity in this forum, and that this hypersensitivty risks creating a hypersensitivity in our kids. Though I suppose this is *anti*racistparent, not *a*racistparent…

   Cheers,
   Derek
9. Lyonside says:

   June 2, 2009 at 7:33 pm

   Thanks for your concern-trolling, Derek.

   Concept: CONSIDERING the potential role of bias and prejudice and racism, etc. in our lives and our children’s lives does not mean we are HYPERsensitive. But merely sensitive and aware. End point.

   Being told, “You’re too sensitive, you’re overreacting” and such is a way to shut-down conversations.
10. dersk says:

    June 3, 2009 at 6:20 am

    @Lyonside – not trolling, stating my opinion.

    I guess I was thinking more of a post from some months ago in which a mom was offended when a random guy, after complimenting her kids, asked if they were both hers (since the kids had different skin colors). To me, a perfectly obvious and friendly question; to someone else whose first assumption is that everyone else is a racist, an offensive comment. I guess that was really my point (and she did pretty much ask if she was being hyper-sensitive): if your worldview is such that you’re assuming most folks are racist, you’ll end up with a lot of false positives.
11. EB says:

    June 3, 2009 at 10:53 am

    I don’t agree with the opinion that children don’t develop negative or positive associations with skin color at a young age. I absolutely believe that they start internalizing the messages they see around them, like standards of beauty and such. How else is it that so many kids in the doll studies already were identifying the black doll as bad and ugly and the white doll as good and desireable?

    This is not to encourage Jennifer to freak out of course, but for me and my family I believe in talking openly and frequently about race.
12. Kristen says:

    June 3, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    Cassie – I have the same issue regarding dolls. I bought several of the Groovy Girls, but the problem with those is that they are floppy and don’t really fit in standard-sized doll houses. So for pretend play my daughter isn’t really into them. We also bought the Ryan’s Room families, but they are a little too small, and the faces are a little weird IMO.

    I finally ended up buying my daughter the High School Musical dolls. They are similiar to Barbies but have more diversity (including a biracial male and AA male). Unfortunately the female bodies are similiar to Barbies, but it’s the best I could find that she was actually interested in.
13. agibean says:

    June 4, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    I must be the only mother on the planet who isn’t bothered by Barbies. Maybe it’s because I grew up with them in an era when it was ok to play with them.

    I’ve actually found Barbie and Ken and friends in a variey of skin tones, and my daughter even has a black one with a soft Afro. She’s got blond ones that look like her brother and sister, a redhead like her cousin and the little sister-Kelley, I think? in both black and white like other members of her family.

    My daughter is 9 and like her sister before her has never been inclined to want to be built like Barbie or dress like her. The dolls do every day things like shop, work, go to school and go on dates. Sometimes they get married and have kids.

    The playhouse we found at a yard sale for $5 and it talks. So sometimes the shower is too hot or the things in the oven burn and Barbie or Ken have to deal with that. My daughter has been known to play with the dolls for hours.

    The Groovy Girls just sit there collecting dust, but the many and varied baby dolls get a lot of use-she sticks to real size ones so we can by real baby clothes at Goodwill. The American Girl “Like Me” doll and her Addy also get used a lot.

    I think that as long as you as a parent are bringing a child up with realistic expectations, a doll or three won’t have the kind of power over them that people ascribe to Barbie. She hasn’t in my family, in any case.
14. Angela Riccio says:

    June 7, 2009 at 10:10 am

    I want to add that I do believe children pick up negative opinions about racial identity at a young age, but I do not believe that this 3 year-old is expressing any negative emotions about her skin color. She is merely identifying the differences she sees. Soon enough this little girl will develop the awareness necessary to see the ugliness in the world, but at 3 she lives in a world of imagination (which is normal) and sees things differently than an adult. She should not be prematurely dragged into that awareness by having discussions she is not able to understand yet.

    What she is likely to pick up on is her mother’s negative associations with skin color by her discomfort and there her negative association may very well begin.

    There will be plenty of time to discuss issues of race, identity, et al. but let a 3 year-old be a 3 year-old, one who has not yet developed our adult baggage.

    When my son was little I joined an interracial family group and I found it tremendously helpful, especially as a white mother having my 1st real experiences with racism. Perhaps the adoption agency Jennifer used has such services, or there is a group in her area where she can find support, encouragement and understanding from those who have already been down her path.

    On a positive note, the anxiety Jennifer feels is bore out of love and one every parent shares on a myriad of subjects. It seems this little girl has a good mother who loves her very much.
15. Angela Riccio says:

    June 7, 2009 at 10:15 am

    Multicultural dolls –

    Here is a link to Magiccabin.com, and although these aren’t barbie type dolls there are boy dolls and girl dolls of varying ethnic backgrounds that might work for those looking for an alternative to barbies and bratz dolls –

    http://www.magiccabin.com/magiccabin/product.do?section_id=2&bc=1004&pgc=43&sv=333445&cmvalue=MCD|2

    ar
16. Angela Riccio says:

    June 7, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Here is another place to look for multicultural and ethnically diverse dolls, games and books:

    http://www.dollslikeme.com/